How Do I Get To Carnegie Hall?

Violinist Mischa Elman (1891 - 1967) was walking head down 56th Street towards Sixth Avenue after a less-than-successful rehearsal, and was approached by tourists who saw his violin case in hand.
One of the tourists asked, “Can you tell us how to get to Carnegie Hall?”
Without looking up or slowing his pace, Elman said, “Practice, practice, practice!”

British Generosity

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit Pakistan. Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. The USA is sending troops to help. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending supplies. New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops. The Asian continents are sending labor to assist in rebuilding infrastructure. Australia is sending medical teams and supplies. Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis. God Bless British generosity!

2009 U.S. Economy

The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Jewish women are marrying for love.
Even people who had nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds", you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer, and Citigroup.
McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truck of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
The most highly paid job now is jury duty.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "Finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?"

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
The Bernard Madoff scandal made $50 billion disappear - nothing compared to Congress who made $750 billion disappear!

Middle Age by Mother Goose

Two Cow Capitalism

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. The cows go on strike to keep out American hormone-fed milk and launch a stampede through a McDonalds franchise at Euro-Disney. The French Cow Liberation Front hacks into the Cheddar website with images of Roquefort and WAV files declaring "Vive la France!" You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them Worldwide.
... click here for rest of the Updated   Two Cow Capitalism ...

Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to Church with him.

He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Church with me today? We'll have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, so he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to Church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. Getting depressed, he decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Church with me and learn about God?"

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"

Dubm Quotes

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." - Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas. - Keppel Enderbery

Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances. - Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people. - Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. - Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst

We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need? - Lee Iacocca

I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix. - Dan Quayle while campaigning

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. - Al Gore, Vice President

Half this game is ninety percent mental. - Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it. - Texas Congressional candidate

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff. - Mariah Carey

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. - Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995)

Pothole Brothers

After a rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window. The older of the two, five year old Little Johnny, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the younger boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the yard in a panic.

"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?" she asked as she shook Little Johnny in anger.

"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said.
"I was just baptizing him... in the name of the Father, the Son and ... in the hole-he-goes."

Little Johnny's Gripping Story

Three year old Little Johnny is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

Little Johnny is gripping on to the toilet seat with his left hand and hitting himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says, "Johnny, are you alright? You've been in here for a while."

Little Johnny says, "I'm fine, Mommy. I just haven't gone ‘doody' yet."

Mother says, "OK, you can stay here a few more minutes. But Johnny, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Little Johnny says, "Works for ketchup."

Farm Football

Bubba, fresh from the cornfields of his family farm, was encouraged to try out for the local football team.

"Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said Bubba, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said Bubba. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
Bubba rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds, then said, "Well, sir, if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

The Porkulus Package

Apolitical Suggestion

Members of Congress should be compelled to wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their sponsors.

Good Golfer

A husband and wife are on the 9th green, when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack.
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

He quickly calls the clubhouse on his cell phone, and after a brief conversation, picks up his putter and lines up his stroke.

His wife looks up from the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying over here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," he says calmly. "They found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody has agreed to let him play through."

Solution For A Poor Economy

I believe I have a solution for the current economic condition. Considering the billions of dollars being poured into revitalizing the economy, I think that this idea would work. It's even complicated and confusing enough to satisfy the most ardent civil servant. Of course, there are some stipulations attached.

Politicians at any level do not qualify. The recipients must have been born in this country. Also, all levels of government must cap current overheads such as taxes.

Grocers, lawyers, homebuilders, appliance manufacturers, foreign automakers, foreign oil and gas companies, foreign communication companies, foreign mining companies, forestry companies, construction companies, etc. must also have their current prices capped, thereby preventing outrageous inflation.

People convicted of criminal actions do not qualify either. That leaves, I think, the average consumer.

Now, the solution you've been waiting for: Give the remaining population a lump sum of $1 million each. This will give the general public the necessary disposable income to keep spending or investing. It's also a lot cheaper.

We don't have a population of 40 billion. The drug dealers and addicts will take care of themselves as they are doing now. By the time this economic downturn rights itself, most of these recipients will be back to where they were anyway: no further ahead, just as the government likes, and the cycle will start again. The banks aren't saddled with foreclosures and everybody is happy.

Wisdom From Elders

Age doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
At my age, getting a second doctor's opinion is kind of like switching slot machines.
Discussing how old you are is the temple of boredom.
Don't grow old without money, honey.
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.
Everyone has a gift for something, even if it is the gift of being a good friend.
Go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was?
I am old enough to tell the truth. It is one of the privileges of age.
I have everything now that I had twenty years ago, except now it's all lower.
I want to die young at an advanced age.
If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can't, you're right.
If you want immortality - make it.
I'll never make the mistake of being seventy again.
I'm just the same age I've always been.
I've always been in the right place at the right time. Of course, I steered myself there.
In a curious way, age is simpler than youth, for it has so many fewer options.
Inside every seventy-year-old is a thirty-five-year-old asking, "What happened?"
It is better to be approximately right than precisely wrong.
It's taken me all my life to learn what not to play.
Live your life and forget your age.
Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get.
Musicians don't retire; they stop when there's no more music in them.
Old age ain't for sissies.
Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard, there is nothing you can do.
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
The only sin is mediocrity.
The trick is growing up without growing old.
To me, old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
You can't have everything, even in California.
You're never too old to become younger.
... click here for rest of   Wisdom From Elders ...

New Investment Definitions

BROKER - What my broker has made me.
BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
'BUY, BUY' - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
CALL OPTION - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.
CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the Toilet.
CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a Nuthouse.
MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
MOMENTUM INVESTING - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
PROFIT - Religious guy who talks to God.
(S&P) STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $240 per share (see YA HOO).
YA HOO - What you yell after selling all you owned to some poor sucker for $240 per share (see WINDOWS).

Purina Diet

Yesterday, I was at PetSmart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Angel the Wonder Dog. I was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her, 'No, I don't have a dog. I am starting the Purina Diet again.'

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets. Then you simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her, 'No, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.'

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard. PetSmart won't let me shop there anymore.

Out Of Touch

5 Steps to a Healthy Diet

1. List your ten favourite foods.
2. List your five favourite beverages.
3. List all green vegetables that look like marsh grass, fur balls, or little trees.
4. List water.
5. Avoid 1 & 2; eat only 3; drink only 4 and watch the pounds melt off.

Revised Wall Street Terms

BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry
BROKER - What my broker has made me.
BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.
FINANCIAL PLANNER - A person whose phone has been disconnected.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past week investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
P/E RATIO -The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use.
STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

Bubba's New Truck

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy, Bubba, driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you git that truck?"
"Tammie give it to me," Bubba replied.
"She give it to ya? I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6,in the middle of no wheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out,
threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you."

Mennonite Washrooms

Why do they put condoms in Mennonite washrooms?
To prevent the spread of Abes.

Daffynitions Update

Abundance: A social event held in a farm building.
Agrophobia: The fear of being beaten up in an open space.
Anarachnophobia: The fear of spiders wearing waterproof coats.
Antibody: Your Uncle's wife.
Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
Catastrophe: First prize at a cat show.
Claustrophobia: The fear of Santa Claus.
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens, and everybody disagrees later on.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Deliberate: To take back to prison.
Diatribe: An extinct race.
Diplomacy: The art of letting someone else get your way.
Dulcet: A boring tennis match.
Experience: Something you don't get until just after you needed it.
Factory: A set of encyclopedias.
Faggot: A lady maggot.
Farthingale: A cheap hurricane.
Fortune: A singing quartet.
His: Pronoun, meaning hers.
Igloo: An Alaskan toilet.
Intense: A camping vacation.
... click here for more   Daffynitions ...

Search Four Three Goats

At a Texas high school a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let THREE goats loose in the school. Before they let them go, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, and 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

These kids really outsmarted the adults... Don't you wish you'd thought of this when you were in high school?

Baby's First Exam

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

Grandma's Beautiful Pies

A tip just n time for those Thanksgiving pies! Granny Adams made such beautiful pies! One day, I asked her, "How do you get such beautiful pies with the crimps around the edge so even?"

"Well, it's a family secret," she said. "But if you promise not to tell, I'll let you in on it."
"Okay," I said. "Tell me!"

"Well, first, I roll out the dough, making sure it is flat and even. Then I cut out the bottom layer and carefully put it in the pie plate and make sure it is firmly against the sides of the plate."

"Then I slowly pour in the filling, making sure it's not too full. Next, I cut out the top layer and carefully put it over the filling."

"Finally, I take out my teeth and just run them around the edge of the pie crust and they make the nicest, even impressions you ever did see!"

Smart Fishermen

Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, who offered them one wish each.

The first fisherman said: "Double my I.Q." so the mermaid did it and, to his surprise, he started reciting Shakespeare.

Then the second fisherman said: "Triple my I.Q." and sure enough the mermaid did it. Amazingly, he started doing complex math problems he didn't even know existed.

The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q., but the mermaid asked, "Are you sure about that? It will change your whole life!"

"Yes, yes," replied the impatient fisherman, "quadruple my I.Q."
So the mermaid turned him into a woman.

Control Your Anger

Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband:  "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush..."

Secret to Russian Sport Success