Wal-Mart Job Application
What it takes to be a Greeter at Wal-Mart
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas - they hired him because he was so honest...
NAME: George Martin (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
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All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind. - Aristotle
Inequality of knowledge is the key to a sale. - Neil O Gustafson
Acting is everybody's favorite second job. - Jack Nicholson
A man without a smiling face should not open a shop. - Chinese Proverb
A shop should be like a song of which you never tire. - Harry Gordon Selfridge
Nursing would be a dream job if there were no doctors. - Gerhard Kocher
If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it. - Unknown
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Find a job you like and you add five days to every week. - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Diamonds are only lumps of coal that stuck to their jobs. - Malcolm Forbes
Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. - Geraldo Rivera
You do your best work if you do a job that makes you happy. - Bob Ross
It's a job never started that takes the longest to finish. - JRR Tolkien
You're the lowly pheasant with the job of keeping her here. - Archie Bunker
A good thing sells itself; a bad thing advertises itself for sale. - African Saying
Do the hard jobs first. The easy jobs will take care of themselves. - Dale Carnegie
There is an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. - Peter F Drucker
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate. - Phyllis Diller
I know I can act. There aren't too many other jobs I know how to do. - Jack Nicholson
We always admire the other fellow more after we have tried to do his job. - William Feather
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The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any. - Fred Astaire
I read the book of Job last night. I don't think God comes out well in it. - Virginia Woolf
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The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application. - Ken Kraft
Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping. - Bo Derek
If you think your boss is stupid remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was smarter. - Albert Grant
I had the most boring office job in the world - I used to clean the windows on envelopes. - Rita Rudner
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I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale." - Steven Wright
I have a great, great company. I employ thousands of people. And I'm very proud of the job I did. - Donald Trump
There is as much ingenuity in making an felicitous application of an passage as in being the author of it. - St. Evremond
A benefit of any job is laughter. It should never be a crime to have fun on the job. It may be a crime not to. - Terry Paulson
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children. - Bill Hicks
You have to do what you love to do, not get stuck in that comfort zone of a regular job. Life is not a dress rehearsal. This is it. - Lucinda Basset
I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, "What do you have in lingerie?" She says, "More than you'll ever have!" - Phyllis Diller
There is a difference between conceit and confidence. Conceit is bragging about yourself. Confidence means you believe you can get the job done. - Johnny Unitas