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Wal-Mart Job Application

What it takes to be a Greeter at Wal-Mart

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas - they hired him because he was so honest...
Wal-Mart Job Application thanks to Bill Burgess

NAME: George Martin (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.

QuotaBills
These are cathedrals of shopping. - Emile Zola

All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind. - Aristotle

Inequality of knowledge is the key to a sale. - Neil O Gustafson

Acting is everybody's favorite second job. - Jack Nicholson

A man without a smiling face should not open a shop. - Chinese Proverb

A shop should be like a song of which you never tire. - Harry Gordon Selfridge

Nursing would be a dream job if there were no doctors. - Gerhard Kocher

If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it. - Unknown

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. - Steven Wright

Find a job you like and you add five days to every week. - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Diamonds are only lumps of coal that stuck to their jobs. - Malcolm Forbes

Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. - Geraldo Rivera

You do your best work if you do a job that makes you happy. - Bob Ross

It's a job never started that takes the longest to finish. - JRR Tolkien

You're the lowly pheasant with the job of keeping her here. - Archie Bunker

A good thing sells itself; a bad thing advertises itself for sale. - African Saying

Do the hard jobs first. The easy jobs will take care of themselves. - Dale Carnegie

There is an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. - Peter F Drucker

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate. - Phyllis Diller

I know I can act. There aren't too many other jobs I know how to do. - Jack Nicholson

We always admire the other fellow more after we have tried to do his job. - William Feather

Most of the early part of an actor's career, you do the jobs you get. - Jack Nicholson

The job of an educator is to teach students to see vitality in themselves. - Joseph Campbell

The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any. - Fred Astaire

I read the book of Job last night. I don't think God comes out well in it. - Virginia Woolf

They say Rome wasn't built in a day, but I wasn't in on that particular job. - Brian Clough

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application. - Ken Kraft

Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping. - Bo Derek

If you think your boss is stupid remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was smarter. - Albert Grant

I had the most boring office job in the world - I used to clean the windows on envelopes. - Rita Rudner

Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. - Dan Zevin

A lot of people feel very good about Mitt Romney and I think he's going to do a great job. - Donald Trump

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale." - Steven Wright

I have a great, great company. I employ thousands of people. And I'm very proud of the job I did. - Donald Trump

There is as much ingenuity in making an felicitous application of an passage as in being the author of it. - St. Evremond

A benefit of any job is laughter. It should never be a crime to have fun on the job. It may be a crime not to. - Terry Paulson

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children. - Bill Hicks

You have to do what you love to do, not get stuck in that comfort zone of a regular job. Life is not a dress rehearsal. This is it. - Lucinda Basset

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, "What do you have in lingerie?" She says, "More than you'll ever have!" - Phyllis Diller

There is a difference between conceit and confidence. Conceit is bragging about yourself. Confidence means you believe you can get the job done. - Johnny Unitas


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