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Birth patrol pills. - Archie Bunker

Laughter is the best medicine. - Joe-kster

Logic is the anatomy of thought. - Albert Einstein

A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb

I'm so mean, I make medicine sick. - Muhammad Ali

Surgery is the cry of defeat in medicine. - Martin H. Fischer

The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin

God is a concept by which we measure our pain. - John Lennon

A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance. - Plato

Health insurance should be a given for every citizen. - Jesse Ventura

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. - Groucho Marx

The doctor is often more to be feared than the disease. - French Proverb

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes

Nobody likes insurance companies, especially health insurance companies. - P.J. O'Rourke

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. - Sophocles

A hypochondriac is one who has a pill for everything except what ails him. - Mignon McLaughlin

Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley

A hospital should also have a recovery room adjoining the cashier's office. - Francis O'Walsh

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. - Phyllis Diller

A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time - pills or stairs. - Joan Welsh

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire

Poisons and medicine are oftentimes the same substance given with different intents. - Peter Mere Latham

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. - Dave Barry

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx

You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea. - Pearl S. Buck

Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. - Buddha

Medicine, the only profession that labours incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existence. - James Bryce

What can be added to the happiness of man who is in health, out of debt, and has a clear conscience? - Adam Smith

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno

Moderation. Small helpings. Sample a little bit of everything. These are the secrets of happiness and good health. - Julia Child

Just like a shoe, if someone is meant for you, they will fit just perfectly. No forcing, no struggling, and no pain. - Unknown

The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers

Health is the state about which medicine has nothing to say; sanctity is the state about which theology has nothing to say. - W H Auden

A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" - Steven Wright


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