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Jewish Weapons of Mass Indigestion

Israel's punishment for escaping slavery

Jewish Weapons of Mass Indigestion thanks to Jim Serritella

Latkes
A pancake-like structure, not to be confused with anything a first-class health restaurant would put out. In a latke, the oil remains inside the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal.

Jewish Weapons of Mass Indigestion thanks to Jim Serritella

Matzoh
Israel's punishment for escaping slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water - no eggs or flavor at all. When made especially well, it could actually taste like a cardboard box recycled from the Tel Aviv city dump.

Jewish Weapons of Mass Indigestion thanks to Jim Serritella

Kasha Varnishkes
One of the little-known 'delicacies' that is even more difficult to pronounce than it is to cook. It has nothing to do with varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bowtie noodles (not macaroni).

Jewish Weapons of Mass Indigestion thanks to Jim Serritella

Blintzes
Not to be confused with the German war machine's 'blintzkreig.' Can you imagine the Jerusalem Post in '39 with huge headlines announcing: 'Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes on Poland.

Jewish Weapons of Mass Indigestion thanks to Jim Serritella

Kishke
You know Scottish Haggis? Well, this it ain't. Remember what I say if you should go to the Highlands. You do not want to eat Haggis, no matter how much Scotch you've downed.

Jewish Weapons of Mass Indigestion thanks to Jim Serritella

Kreplach
They sound worse than they taste. There is a rabbinical debate on their origins. One Rabbi claims they began when a Chinese fortune cookie fell into the chicken soup.

Jewish Weapons of Mass Indigestion thanks to Jim Serritella

Cholent
This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with.

Jewish Weapons of Mass Indigestion thanks to Jim Serritella

Gefilte Fish
A few years ago, an Israeli politician had problems with the filter in his fish pond, and a few of his fish got rather stuck and mangled.

Jewish Weapons of Mass Indigestion thanks to Jim Serritella

Bagels
How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish defense weapon, the bagel.

Kosher food that stays in Israel - food that stays with you far too long a time
QuotaBills
Off-the-docks Jews (Orthodox Jews) - Archie Bunker

All men are Jews, except they don't know it. - Bernard Malamud

I am Irish as a person, but I feel Jewish as an actor. - Harrison Ford

Jesus was a Jew, yes, but only on his mother's side. - Archie Bunker

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. - Henny Youngman

I'm Jewish, so I don't know much about Easter eggs. - Simon Kinberg

I don't think anyone has been slandered more than the Jews. - Fidel Castro

I'm not a Jew. I'm Jewish. I don't go the whole hog. - Jonathan Miller

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering. - Milton Berle

Other people have a nationality. The Irish and the Jews have a psychosis. - Brendan Behan

I think of myself as being Jewish and Irish, despite the fact that I'm English. - Daniel Radcliffe

This is a Jewish cake - they give this to a Jewish kid before he gets circumscribed. - Archie Bunker

I always thought that bagels and lox was my soul food, but it turns out it's sushi. - Sara Sheridan

You still can't find Israel on a map of the Middle East in a Palestinian schoolbook. - Suzanne Fields

Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle

Coming from Canada, being a writer and Jewish as well, I have impeccable paranoia credentials. - Mordecai Richler

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. - Milton Berle

I have drawn inspiration from the Marine Corps, the Jewish struggle in Palestine and Israel, and the Irish. - Leon Uris

The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum. - Havelock Ellis

This is the real enemy, the invader from the East, the Druze, the ruffian, the oriental parasite; in a word: the Jew. - George Bernard Shaw

A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says, "I make a good living." - Henny Youngman


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