#1 humor site on the 'net

Message From The Wife

Eat more fruit - key ingredient for a healthy marital relationship

My friend got home late last night after a full day of golfing and drinking with the boys, and his wife left a message in the kitchen for him. I guess she wants him to eat more fruit...
Message From The Wife thanks to Barry McCartney

Secrets to a successful long-term relationship or marriage

QuotaBills
Does wine count as a serving of fruit? - Joe-kster

To marry the Irish is to look for poverty. - J.P. Donleavy

A really good detective never gets married. - Raymond Chandler

Avoid fruit and nuts. You are what you eat. - Jim Davis

My diet is like Atkins, but with the carbs. - BJ Penn

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. - Paula Deen

Make love, not war... or get married and do both. - Unknown

Sticking with a marriage. That's true grit, man. - Jeff Bridges

A balanced diet is a Cracker Jack cookie in each hand. - Joe-kster

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. - Rita Rudner

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. - Tommy Cooper

Character is the root of the tree; conduct, the fruit it bears. - E.M. Bounds

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. - Groucho Marx

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Ogden Nash

I don't diet, I just don't eat as much as I'd like to. - Linda Evangelista

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of. - Mae West

Men are my hobby. If I ever got married, I'd have to give it up. - Mae West

Tenderness is greater proof of love than the most passionate of vows. - Marlene Dietrich

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. - Totie Fields

I am married to Beatrice Salkeld, a painter. We have no children, except me. - Brendan Behan

Will you marry me? Do you have any money?
Answer the second question first. - Groucho Marx

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. - Rita Rudner

A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time. - Anne Taylor Fleming

Inspirations never go in for long engagements; they demand immediate marriage to action. - Unknown

Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed. - Oscar Wilde

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho Marx

Rituals are important. Nowadays it's hip not to be married. I'm not interested in being hip. - John Lennon

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree. - Henny Youngman

Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day. - Mickey Rooney

Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of insincerity possible between two human beings. - Vicki Baum

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me. - Elayne Boosler

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
So just what are time flies, and why do they fly like an arrow? - Groucho Marx

I value my garden more for being full of blackbirds than of cherries, and very frankly give them fruit for their songs. - Joseph Addison

A dark-chocolate truffle melts in my mouth, and I forget about everything else... even the fact that I'm on a diet. - Barbara Brooke

The best reason for a knitter to marry is that you can't teach the cat to be impressed when you finish a lace scarf. - Stephanie Pearl-McPhee

A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year. - Paul Sweeney

Camping is not a date; it's an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home. - Yvonne Prinz

Getting married is easy. Staying married is more difficult. Staying happily married for a lifetime should rank among the fine arts. - Roberta Flack

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. - Groucho Marx


Hairy Egg

Fork Door Handle

Making Hockey More Popular

Suitcase WorkPlace

One-Knight Stands

Stealth Cell Phone Tower

Holes of the World

Sunken Bed

Australian Wildfire Survivor

Rat Toys

Radish Camouflage

Apple Art

Cake Finders

Shot Glasses

Frog Spout Security

Chopper Bicycle

Canadian Suntan

Walkway To Heaven

Groucho Marx and Jimmy Savile

Despicable Shoes

Prayer Conditioning

Lazy People Make Excellent Engineers

Spaghetti Western

Under The Weather