#1 humor site on the 'net

Tore The Carpet Up Today

Lawn care for those who now don't care

Tore The Carpet Up Today thanks to Keith Blake

Tree removal is easy for some people

Arborist (or arboriculturist) - a professional in the practice of arboriculture - the cultivation, management, and study of individual trees, shrubs, vines, and other perennial woody plants
QuotaBills
As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party. - Proverb

Trees often transplanted seldom prosper. - Flemish Proverb

A lawn is nature under totalitarian rule. - Michael Pollan

What kind of man gives cigarettes to trees? - Robin Williams

The righteous will flourish like the palm tree. - Psalms 92:12

Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do. - Ronald Reagan

Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life. - Charles M. Schulz

If you hate where you are, move - you are not a tree. - Unknown

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. - Spike Milligan

Preoccupied with a single leaf you won't see the tree. - Vagabond

Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs. - Ambrose Bierce

Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps a singing bird will come. - Chinese Proverb

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears, does it make a sound? - Unknown

I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn. - C.E. Cowman

The key to a healthy lawn is to take care of what happens below ground. - Mike Bechtle

If dandelions were hard to grow, they would be most welcome on any lawn. - Andrew V. Mason

Books are no different from goats - they enjoy an afternoon out on the lawn. - Kate Bernheimer

Death is just a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees. - J.J. Furnas

If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway

It will never rain roses. When we want to have more roses, we must plant more trees. - George Eliot

Trees are not known by their leaves, nor even by their blossoms, but by their fruits. - Eleanor of Aquitaine

A cold wind was blowing from the north, and it made the trees rustle like living things. - George R.R. Martin

There's one good thing about snow: it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's. - Clyde Moore

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. - Thomas Jefferson

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter. - WC Fields

It's better to fall from a tree and break your back than to fall in love and break your heart. - African Proverb

One of the tests of leadership is the ability to recognize a problem before it becomes an emergency. - Arnold H. Glasow

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. - Unknown

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree. - Henny Youngman

Faith is a fine invention
When Gentlemen can see -
But Microscopes are prudent
In an Emergency. - Emily Dickinson

I spend hours mowing the lawn in absolutely straight lines on my tractor. If it's not right, I do it again. - Britt Ekland

The bulletin board on the lawn of a New Jersey Church reads "We reserve the right to accept everybody." - John Kazmark

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting. - Ronald Reagan

It's in the democratic citizen's nature to be like a leaf that doesn't believe in the tree it's part of. - David Foster Wallace

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken. - James Dent

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. - Woody Allen

If you think in terms of a year, plant a seed; if in terms of ten years, plant trees; if in terms of 100 years, teach the people. - Confucius

Wolves directly affect the entire ecosystem, not just moose populations, their main prey, because less moose equals more tree growth. - Rolf Peterson

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. - George Carlin

Advice from a tree:
- Stand tall and proud
- Go out on a limb
- Remember your roots
- Drink plenty of water
- Enjoy the view - Unknown


Chewie, We're Home

Police Rides

Bird Smoker

Hot Mexican Deals

Coffin Escape

African Airlines

Who Let The Dogs Out?

Autographed Copy

Fresh Air Computing

Porpoise Pilots

Sorry Employees

Sidecar

Middle East Play House

Cadillac Clearance

Don't Believe Everything You Read

Bee Prepared

Stolen Car

Paper Face

End Of The Line

Glass World - Where Plumbers Buy

Sheep in Wool Clothing

Admin Assistant Bird

Game's On

Backtracker Special