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Wife Consumption

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Electrical degenerators - Archie Bunker

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill. - Henny Youngman

My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments. - John Barrymore

I give unto my wife my second best bed, with the furniture. - William Shakespeare

The secret to a happy marriage? Do what your wife tells you. - Denzel Washington

A man's home is his castle, and his wife is the janitor. - Lucille Kallen

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. - Les Dawson

A man's mother is his misfortune, but his wife is his fault. - Walter Begehot

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Ogden Nash

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. - Groucho Marx

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen

Behind every successful man is a woman.
Behind her is his wife. - Groucho Marx

Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire. - William Butler Yeats

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - E. Joseph Cossman

My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud. - Henny Youngman

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. - Cathy Carlyle

I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife. - Tony Curtis

My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she's coming with me. - Jon Bon Jovi

Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! - Homer Simpson

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield

When my wife asked me to start a garden the first thing I dug up was an excuse. - Henny Youngman

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

A son is a son till he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life. - Unknown

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

In Las Vegas, a man said to his wife, "Give me the money I told you not to give me." - Henny Youngman

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. - Rodney Dangerfield

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter. - WC Fields

Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth". - Groucho Marx

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? - Woody Allen

A man with a career can have no time to waste upon his wife and friends; he has to devote it wholly to his enemies. - John Hobbes

A little House well fill'd, a little Field well till'd, and a little Wife well will'd, are great Riches. - Benjamin Franklin

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Milton Berle

The perfect date for me would be staying at home, making a big picnic in bed, eating Wotsits and cookies while watching cable TV. - Kim Kardashian

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear. - J.B. Morton

My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle

This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us. - Unknown


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