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Wife Consumption

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As a moth gnaws a garment, so doth envy consume a man. - Saint John Chrysostom

We consume our tomorrows fretting about our yesterdays. - Aulus Persius Flaccus

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill. - Henny Youngman

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. - Doug Hamwell

My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments. - John Barrymore

A woman is attractive when she is somebody else's wife. - African Proverb

I give unto my wife my second best bed, with the furniture. - William Shakespeare

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. - Rodney Dangerfield

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen

Behind every successful man is a woman.
Behind her is his wife. - Groucho Marx

I'm having trouble managing the mansion. What I need is a wife. - Ella Grasso

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. - Shelley Winters

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - E. Joseph Cossman

My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud. - Henny Youngman

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. - Cathy Carlyle

My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she's coming with me. - Jon Bon Jovi

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield

My best friend ran away with my wife. And let me tell you, I really miss him. - Henny Youngman

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. - Red Skelton

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. - Prince Philip

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. - Milton Berle

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night. - Rodney Dangerfield

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. - Jimmy Carter

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Henny Youngman

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge. - Bill Cosby

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams

Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown

You get the best effort from others not by lighting a fire beneath them, but by building a fire within. - Bob Nelson

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! - Rodney Dangerfield

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? - Woody Allen

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. - Rodney Dangerfield

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Milton Berle

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day. - Homer Simpson

My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years to have breakfast together, but it was so disagreeable we had to stop. - Winston Churchill

She's so fat she's my two best friends. She wears stretch caftans. She's got more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. - Joan Rivers

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. - Groucho Marx

This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon


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