As you know, my dear people, for the last year the Royal House of Clinton has been tormented by questions about our handling of finances and subjected to tiresome questions about the tragic events in Benghazi - in the furthest regions of our empire. And, sadly, also questions about my Royal e-mails.
Nevertheless, I will not be daunted in my desire and commitment to serve you, the people. For the next eight months I will be traveling among you as one of you, to listen to your deepest longings and needs. I will be with you in your Wal-Marts, and beside you in your Burger Kings. I will drive with you down the busy interstate highways of our land, sharing your poverty and needs.
How well I remember the days when the Duke of Arkansas and I were impoverished. After we were expelled from our Washington Palace we hardly had two mansions to rub together. We were so poor that we removed thousands of dollars of china, flatware, carpets and gifts from the Washington Palace just to survive. Shockingly, unscrupulous and ungrateful officials later forced us to return many of these treasures. Now, happily, benefactors from around our empire have given me just enough for us to scrape by.
During these difficult times, we had to cut back. When our daughter was married, we only had three million dollars to spend on her wedding. And, I remember our hopes, as she moved into her $10 million Manhattan apartment, that one day she would be able to move on from that humble abode to something more fitting. After working for MSNBC for a starting salary of a mere $600,000 per year, what else could she do? So I now pay her $3,000,000 a year to run the ‘Foundation’.
So, as I travel across our kingdom to meet you all, I will be listening and sharing with you. Then, when the time for the Royal Election & Coronation comes, I know I can count on you to crown me as your rightful monarch, with my assurance that I will continue King Obama’s policies, and we can all live happily ever after in La-La land.
Hilarity Rodham Clinton
Politics makes strange red-fellows. - Will Rogers
There is no gambling like politics. - Benjamin Disraeli
Politics is the art of the possible. - Otto von Bismarck
Everybody knows politics is a contact sport. - Barrack Obama
Intelligence has nothing to do with politics. - Londo Molari
Politics is just show business for ugly people. - Jay Leno
I never saw anything funnier than Texas politics. - Molly Ivins
Turn on to politics, or politics will turn on you. - Ralph Nader
Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory. - John Kenneth Galbraith
Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under. - H L Mencken
War has rules, mud wrestling has rules - politics has no rules. - Ross Perot
World War II was the last government program that really worked. - George Will
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. - Bob Wells
I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent. - Edith Sitwell
The politicians were talking themselves red, white and blue in the face. - Clare Boothe Luce
A goose flies by a chart the Royal Geographical Society could not improve. - Oliver Wendell Holmes
Idealism is the despot of thought, just as politics is the despot of will. - Mikhail Bakunin
Freedom of opinion can only exist when the government thinks itself secure. - Bertrand Russell
A good politician, under democracy, is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. - H L Mencken
Politicians who complain about the media are like sailors who complain about the sea. - Enoch Powell
I love Canada. I am from Canada. I will bash the Canadian government but never Canada. - Jason Priestley
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. - Doug Larson
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. - Will Rogers
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges even when there are no rivers. - Nikita Khruschev
People want change but not too much change. Finding that balance is tricky for every politician. - Eleanor Clift
So, if we lie to the government, it's a felony.
But if they lie to us, it's politics. - Bill Murray
When government accepts responsibility for people, then people no longer take responsibility for themselves. - George Pataki
If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in 5 years there'd be a shortage of sand. - Milton Friedman
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. - Pericles (430 B.C.)
One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors. - Plato
Frankly, I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private industry. - Joseph Heller
The business of government is to keep the government out of business - that is, unless business needs government aid. - Will Rogers
Calculating how much carbon is absorbed by which forests and farms is a tricky task, especially when politicians do it. - Donella Meadows
It's especially hard if the government is not providing services, or is even conducting ethnic cleansing against you. - Paul Harvey
One lesson you better learn if you want to be in politics is that you never go out on a golf course and beat the President. - Lyndon B. Johnson
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are,
"I'm from the government and I'm here to help." - Ronald Reagan
When one may pay out over two million dollars to presidential and Congressional campaigns, the U.S. government is virtually up for sale. - John W. Gardner
Politicians also have no leisure, because they are always aiming at something beyond political life itself, power and glory, or happiness. - Aristotle
A politician should have three hats. One for throwing into the ring, one for talking through, and one for pulling rabbits out of if elected. - Carl Sandburg
The best way to lose weight is to close your mouth - something very difficult for a politician. Or watch your food - just watch it, don't eat it. - Edward I Kock