As you know, my dear people, for the last year the Royal House of Clinton has been tormented by questions about our handling of finances and subjected to tiresome questions about the tragic events in Benghazi - in the furthest regions of our empire. And, sadly, also questions about my Royal e-mails.
Nevertheless, I will not be daunted in my desire and commitment to serve you, the people. For the next eight months I will be traveling among you as one of you, to listen to your deepest longings and needs. I will be with you in your Wal-Marts, and beside you in your Burger Kings. I will drive with you down the busy interstate highways of our land, sharing your poverty and needs.
How well I remember the days when the Duke of Arkansas and I were impoverished. After we were expelled from our Washington Palace we hardly had two mansions to rub together. We were so poor that we removed thousands of dollars of china, flatware, carpets and gifts from the Washington Palace just to survive. Shockingly, unscrupulous and ungrateful officials later forced us to return many of these treasures. Now, happily, benefactors from around our empire have given me just enough for us to scrape by.
During these difficult times, we had to cut back. When our daughter was married, we only had three million dollars to spend on her wedding. And, I remember our hopes, as she moved into her $10 million Manhattan apartment, that one day she would be able to move on from that humble abode to something more fitting. After working for MSNBC for a starting salary of a mere $600,000 per year, what else could she do? So I now pay her $3,000,000 a year to run the ‘Foundation’.
So, as I travel across our kingdom to meet you all, I will be listening and sharing with you. Then, when the time for the Royal Election & Coronation comes, I know I can count on you to crown me as your rightful monarch, with my assurance that I will continue King Obama’s policies, and we can all live happily ever after in La-La land.
Hilarity Rodham Clinton
A week is a long time in politics. - Harold Wilson
In politics nothing is contemptible. - Benjamin Disraeli
The gun is not out of Irish politics. - Ian Paisley
In politics an absurdity is not a handicap. - Napoleon Bonaparte
Every country has the government it deserves. - Joseph de Maistre
Practical politics consists in ignoring facts. - Henry Brooks Adams
Politics is just show business for ugly people. - Jay Leno
The military don't start wars. Politicians start wars. - William Westmoreland
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does. - Groucho Marx
We live in a world in which politics has replaced philosophy. - Martin L. Gross
You can't get rich in politics unless you're a crook. - Harry S Truman
An honest man in politics shines more than he would elsewhere. - Mark Twain
World War II was the last government program that really worked. - George Will
History is a tool used by politicians to justify their intentions. - Ted Koppei
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. - Bob Wells
A politician will do anything to keep his job - even become a patriot. - William Randolph
Politics is war without bloodshed while war is politics with bloodshed. - Mao Zedong
Every politician should have been born an orphan and remain a bachelor. - Lady Bird Johnson
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers
Bad politicians are sent to Washington by good people who don't vote. - William E. Simon
A goose flies by a chart the Royal Geographical Society could not improve. - Oliver Wendell Holmes
When rats infest the palace, a lame cat is better than the swiftest horse. - Chinese Proverb
Freedom of opinion can only exist when the government thinks itself secure. - Bertrand Russell
A filmmaker we almost lost to politics... my friend and colleague, Warren Beatty. - Jack Nicholson
Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated. - Will Rogers
Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business. - Tom Robbins
So, if we lie to the government, it's a felony.
But if they lie to us, it's politics. - Bill Murray
Folks who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election
campaign. - Milton Berle
When government accepts responsibility for people, then people no longer take responsibility for themselves. - George Pataki
One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors. - Plato
Politics is the only business where doing nothing other than making the other guy look bad is an acceptable outcome. - Mark Warner
The business of government is to keep the government out of business - that is, unless business needs government aid. - Will Rogers
Calculating how much carbon is absorbed by which forests and farms is a tricky task, especially when politicians do it. - Donella Meadows
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election. - Bill Vaughan
An election is coming. Universal peace is declared, and the foxes have a sincere interest in prolonging the lives of the poultry. - George Eliot
I am quite sure now that often in matters concerning religion and politics, a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkeys. - Mark Twain
If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. - Will Rogers
Being in politics is like being a football coach; you have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important. - Eugene McCarthy
Our ancestors believed in magic, prayers, trickery, browbeating and bullying. I think it would be fair to sum that up as 'Irish politics'. - Flann O'Brien
Regarded simply as a politician, and compared with the other leading political figures of our time, how clean a smell he has managed to leave behind. - Mahatma Gandhi