#1 humor site on the 'net

Chess Nuts

Bragging about hotel lobby games

Chess Nuts thanks to Wayne Nowazek

QuotaBills
Santa's Guh-nomes - Archie Bunker

Love your enemy - it'll drive him nuts. - Unknown

Avoid fruit and nuts. You are what you eat. - Jim Davis

A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. - Unknown

Some guys play hockey. Gretzky plays 40-mph chess. - Lowell Cohn

I failed to make the chess team because of my height. - Woody Allen

I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd

I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder

Halloween starts earlier and earlier, just like Christmas. - Robert Englund

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. - Homer Simpson

I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

Everyone, in some small sacred sanctuary of the self, is nuts. - Leo Rosten

For me, baseball is more comparable to chess than it is to hockey. - Jeff Garlin

You'd play me chess, about which I don't even know how to deal. - Archie Bunker

Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. - Kin Hubbard

Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. - Redd Foxx

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin

If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. - Jonathan Katz

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Henny Youngman

I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller

True and solemn meaning of Christmas, which is a time for peace and quiet contemptation. - Archie Bunker

If 'ifs and buts' were 'candy and nuts', we'd have Christmas every day. - Unknown

Grammar: the difference between Feeling Your Nuts and Feeling You're Nuts. - Unknown

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. - Rodney Dangerfield

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. - Steven Wright

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright

No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan

Human affairs are like a chess game: Only those who do not take it seriously can be called good players. - Hung Tzu-ch'eng

Might make a real good Christmas present for the uninformed. The book is called 'Taking America Back.' - Paul Harvey

I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. - Garrison Keillor

Fischer, the great American chess champion, famously said, 'Chess is life.' I would say, 'Pi is life.' - Daniel Tammet

My idea is to make moves to bring chess back to the world's map, to make it part of the world's geography again. - Anatoly Karpov

Did you read about Starbucks? No more "Merry Christmas" at Starbucks. No more. Maybe we should boycott Starbucks. - Donald Trump

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple


Horse-Back Riding

Same Mistake Twice

Vegan Dentist

Smirnoff Women

Burnout Indication

Filet Minion

Israeli Moving Company

2019 Hooters Owl & Birds of Prey Calendars (3)

Crab Collection

Gas-Resistant Pram

A Balanced Diet

How To Build A Fence

It's Broken Now

Lost Luggage

Portable Samurai

Give Her Crabs For Christmas

Target Entry

Help For Dead Children

In Touch Today

Business School Basics

Hadoukens

Delicious Grief

Sister DNA

Muscle Control