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How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral

When not to measure for an ironing table

How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral thanks to Howard Chapman

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My wife gives good headache. - Rodney Dangerfield

The woman that deliberates is lost. - Joseph Addison

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a net. - Cynthia Heimel

When a woman is openly bad she is then at her best. - Latin Proverb

You measure success by how much good you do for others. - Zig Ziglar

My wife and I were happy for twenty years... then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

I only take Viagra when I'm with more than one woman. - Jack Nicholson

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. - Walt Disney

Measure a man by the opposition it takes to discourage him. - Unknown

The secret to a happy marriage? Do what your wife tells you. - Denzel Washington

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

Honesty is probably the sexiest thing a man can give to a woman. - Debra Messing

Behind every successful man is a woman.
Behind her is his wife. - Groucho Marx

That woman is liable to come at you like a Doberman's Pincher. - Archie Bunker

Give me a woman who truly loves beer and I will conquer the world. - Kaiser Willhelm II

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of. - Mae West

My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud. - Henny Youngman

A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby. - Natalie Wood

Menopause is our chance to say, "I am woman - open a freaking window." - Unknown

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction. - Oscar Wilde

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. - Rodney Dangerfield

A son is a son till he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life. - Unknown

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. - Jimmy Carter

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams

It was partially my fault that we got divorced. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be made at me for saying that. - Mitch Hedberg

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. - Milton Berle

The measure of a man's real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out. - Thomas B Macaulay

For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they are on the same side. - Zig Ziglar

A man with a career can have no time to waste upon his wife and friends; he has to devote it wholly to his enemies. - John Hobbes

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear. - J.B. Morton

The insight to see possible new paths, the courage to try them, the judgment to measure results - these are the qualities of a leader. - Mary Parker Follett

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. - Milton Berle


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