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How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral

When not to measure for an ironing table

How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral thanks to Howard Chapman

QuotaBills
Hell hath no fury like a woman's corns. - Archie Bunker

There's a great woman behind every idiot. - John Lennon

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. - Phyllis Diller

God is a concept by which we measure our pain. - John Lennon

The measure of a man is what he does with power. - Pittacus

When a woman is openly bad she is then at her best. - Latin Proverb

Ya look like one of those pall buriers at a funeral. - Archie Bunker

A woman who strives to be like a man lacks ambition. - Unknown

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing. - Meryl Streep

An Irish wedding is a tame thing to an Irish funeral. - Mary Deasy

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. - Rodney Dangerfield

A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears. - Woodrow Wyatt

Give me a woman who truly loves beer and I will conquer the world. - Kaiser Willhelm II

As long as she thinks of a man, nobody objects to a woman thinking. - Virginia Woolf

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. - Rodney Dangerfield

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction. - Oscar Wilde

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. - Rodney Dangerfield

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck. - WC Fields

Measure thy life by loss instead of gain, not by the wine drunk, but the wine poured forth. - Harriet King

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. - Rodney Dangerfield

One of the few articles of clothing that a man won't try to remove from a woman is an apron. - Marilyn Vos Savant

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied. - Oscar Wilde

Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?" - Dumas

After all, inside every woman, no matter how grown up she is, there is still a frightened little girl. - Sergei Lukyanenko

For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones

A simple way to take the measure of a country is to look at how many want in... and how many want out. - Tony Blair

A woman's dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view. - Sophia Loren

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie

The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself. - Anais Nin

Remember, we're fighting for this woman’s honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done! - Groucho Marx

For twenty-four years I've been in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me. - Henny Youngman

She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman. - Oscar Wilde

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. - Sam Levenson

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

Adversity is another way to measure the greatness of individuals. I never had a crisis that didn't make me stronger. - Lou Holtz

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear. - J.B. Morton

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman - it depends on how much happiness you can handle. - George Burns


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