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How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral

When not to measure for an ironing table

How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral thanks to Howard Chapman

QuotaBills
Tis brief, my lord... as woman's love. - William Shakespeare

A man's only as old as the woman he feels. - Groucho Marx

A man thinks he knows, but a woman knows better. - Indian Proverb

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. - Irina Dunn

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. - H L Mencken

The measure of who we are is what we do with what we have. - Unknown

I think if I were a woman I'd wear coffee as a perfume. - John Van Druten

My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments. - John Barrymore

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

A husband's conjungal and a wife's convivial obligation - Archie Bunker

A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes. - Joseph Addison

My wife and I thought we were in love, but it turned out to be benign. - Woody Allen

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Unknown

Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man. - Erica Jong

I am a woman meant for a man, but I never found a man who could compete. - Bette Davis

A woman's best love letters are always written to the man she is betraying. - Lawrence Durrell

Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat. - Oscar Wilde

Menopause is our chance to say, "I am woman - open a freaking window." - Unknown

Only choose in marriage a woman whom you would choose as a friend if she were a man. - Joseph Joubert

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Henny Youngman

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck. - WC Fields

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

In Las Vegas, a man said to his wife, "Give me the money I told you not to give me." - Henny Youngman

Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. - Milton Berle

Democracy is very different in U.S. and A. from Kazakhstan. In America, woman can vote, but horse cannot! - Borat Sagdiyev

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree. - Henny Youngman

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. - Rod Stewart

Remember, we're fighting for this woman’s honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done! - Groucho Marx

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. - Erma Bombeck

She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman. - Oscar Wilde

Adversity is another way to measure the greatness of individuals. I never had a crisis that didn't make me stronger. - Lou Holtz

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. - Arthur C. Clarke

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Milton Berle

I wore a thong and a bra and a wig. Those things hurt. I mean, thongs? Like, they dig in. It takes a tough man to be a woman. - Hank Azaria

Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town. - Steve Martin

Babies are bits of stardust, blown from the hand of God. Lucky the woman who knows the pangs of birth, for she has held a star. - Larry Barratto

The insight to see possible new paths, the courage to try them, the judgment to measure results - these are the qualities of a leader. - Mary Parker Follett

Never play cards with a man called Doc, never eat at a place called Mom's, and never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. - Nelson Algren

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. - Groucho Marx


Suitcase WorkPlace

One-Knight Stands

Stealth Cell Phone Tower

Holes of the World

Sunken Bed

Australian Wildfire Survivor

Rat Toys

Radish Camouflage

Apple Art

Cake Finders

Shot Glasses

Frog Spout Security

Chopper Bicycle

Canadian Suntan

Walkway To Heaven

Groucho Marx and Jimmy Savile

Despicable Shoes

Prayer Conditioning

Lazy People Make Excellent Engineers

Spaghetti Western

Under The Weather

Backpack Barney

My Sweet Potato

Who Needs a Guard Dog?