#1 humor site on the 'net

How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral

When not to measure for an ironing table

How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral thanks to Howard Chapman

QuotaBills
There's a great woman behind every idiot. - John Lennon

As Unto The Bow The Cord Is, So Unto The Man Is Woman - Longfellow

Temptation is a woman's weapon and man's excuse. - H L Mencken

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. - Steve Martin

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. - Walt Disney

Measure a man by the opposition it takes to discourage him. - Unknown

I love bringing roses to a woman when she least expects it. - Esai Morales

The secret to a happy marriage? Do what your wife tells you. - Denzel Washington

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

Surely a pretty woman never looks prettier than when making tea. - Mary E. Braddon

There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works. - Will Rogers

I am a woman meant for a man, but I never found a man who could compete. - Bette Davis

The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him. - Oscar Wilde

A woman is like a teabag. Only in hot water do you realize how strong she is. - Nancy Reagan

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. - Erma Bombeck

Menopause is our chance to say, "I am woman - open a freaking window." - Unknown

Enthusiasm is a vital element toward the individual success of every man or woman. - Conrad Hilton

When nobody around you seems to measure up, it's time to check your yardstick. - Bill Lemley

Don't pay any attention to what they write about you. Just measure it in inches. - Andy Warhol

Only choose in marriage a woman whom you would choose as a friend if she were a man. - Joseph Joubert

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night. - Rodney Dangerfield

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge. - Bill Cosby

Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance. - Oscar Wilde

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. - Robert Frost

Many a woman has a past, but I am told that she has at least a dozen, and that they all fit. - Oscar Wilde

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. - Milton Berle

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter. - WC Fields

Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd,
Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorned. - William Congreve

I would venture to guess that Anon, who wrote so many poems without signing them, was often a woman. - Virginia Woolf

The clothes in themselves do not make a statement. The woman makes the statement and the dress helps. - Jean Muir

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. - Woody Allen

A woman should cleave into her husband. Right here in this house is where Edith's cleavage belongs. - Archie Bunker

Never measure the height of a mountain, until you have reached the top. Then you will see how low it was. - Dag Hammarskjold

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know. - Phyllis Diller

She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman. - Oscar Wilde

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear. - J.B. Morton

Every man and woman is born into the world to do something unique and distinctive, and if he or she does not do it, it will never be done. - Benjamin E. Mays

The best way to meet a woman is in an emergency situation - if you're in a shipwreck, or you find yourself behind enemy lines, or in a flood. - Mark Helprin

This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon


Lunch Break

Wash Day On The Farm

High Tide Heels

Frozen Fish Meal

Stork Exhaust

I 'Saw' An Accident

Protractor Cook

Street Genius

Rebar Walker

No Worries

Road To Success

Politician Training

Math in Africa

Customers Wanted

Sock Storage

Hung Out To Dry

Need More Horsepower?

Japanese Diving Platform

Water Taxi

Wrench Family

How To Burn Fat

Ghetto Boat

Car Surgeon

Just Blew It