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Noteable Bartender

High-strung, lazy guitarists make idle frets

Noteable Bartender thanks to Wayne Nowazek

Early one day, a C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don't serve minors.” So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I'll just be a second.” Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out, now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - he doesn't have the staff for it, and closes the bar.

Well, that was off-key, but how clef-er! I think I've found a snare in his plan. It’s too bad that these joe-ks always fall flat. Didn't you get my note? I've had to scale back - it'll just take a minuet. This is just a prelude to a repeat offense - the puns are not really my forte. It built up with a crescendo, but then went mute. Can't you reed? Don't use that tone with me... I didn't mean to harp on you about it... pitch the idea to me tomorrow: I like how you conduct your business. This ring cymbalizes so much - we'll be working in concert with other professionals, but we've really got to guitar act together. U have a s-Mahler music knowledge then me, but don't worry - I'll be right Bach!

The bartender thought the soprano was a great girl - you should meter some time. Life without music would B flat. Throw a piano down a mineshaft, and I'll show you a flat minor. The timpani player got hit on the head with a mallet - I think he might have a percussion.

When the bartender turned Forte he had to accept he was no longer a minor. I'd like to C him again, it would B nice to know he's OK. Don't worry - he'll come waltzing back at some irregular time.

Guitarists are high-strung, but lazy guitarists make idle frets. When sidewalks get icy in winter, if you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.

Could you repeat that? I can't Handel it any longer... Do you want to play Haydn seek? It's time to drum up a new topic - I'm leaving this conversation at a low note...
QuotaBills
Where words fail, music speaks. - Hans Christian Anderson

Music is the soundtrack of your life. - Dick Clark

The piano ain't got no wrong notes. - Thelonious Monk

Music is well said to be the speech of angels. - Thomas Carlyle

The earth has its music for those who will listen. - George Santayana

Life is one grand, sweet song, so start the music. - Ronald Reagan

Get up from that piano. You hurtin' its feelings. - Jelly Roll Morton

Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best. - Oscar Wilde

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction. - Pierre Pachet

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. - Groucho Marx

The sweetest music in the world to every person is his own name. - Unknown

If in the afterlife there is not music, we will have to import it. - Domenico Cieri Estrada

All music is folk music. I ain't never heard no horse sing a song. - Louis Armstrong

In theory, practice and theory are the same. In practice they are not. - Yogi Berra

My metabolism stinks. I can gain weight just listening to dinner music. - Ron Dentinger

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. - Elvis Presley

The power of music feels like taking a a nice brake from this busy world. - Millie DeWitt

My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music. - Vladimir Nabokov

Music is the only language in which you cannot say a mean or sarcastic thing. - John Erskine

Each soul is tuned to a different pitch. Music is about harmonizing the soul. - Wu-Tang Clan

Most people live and die with their music still unplayed. They never dare to try. - Mary Kay Ash

Life is like playing violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on. - Samuel Butler

Music has charms to sooth a savage breast, to soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak. - William Congreve

I think my music is like anchovies - some people like it, some people get nauseous. - Barry Manilow

My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell

I'm a producer for fun. I'm not a professional schooled musician or anything. - Afrojack

As for everything else, so for a mathematical theory: beauty can be perceived but not explained. - Arthur Cayley

I dreamt of you last night, as if I was playing the piano and you were turning the pages for me. - Vladimir Nabokov

It is simply my life, music. I live it, breathe it, talk with it. I am almost unconscious of it. - Arthur Rubinstein

Before you've practiced, the theory is useless. After you've practiced, the theory is obvious. - David Williams

Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. - H L Mencken

A hundred years from now, people will listen to the music of the Beatles the same way we listen to Mozart. - Paul McCartney

What sounds to you like a big load of trashy noise... is in fact... the brilliant music of a genius... myself. - Iggy Pop

I have this theory that chocolate slows down the aging process. It may not be true, but do I dare take the chance? - Unknown

You can imagine me as a kid growing up in redneck Texas with ballet shoes, tucking the violin under my arm. I had to fight my way up. - Patrick Swayze

He who loves practice without theory is like the sailor who boards ship without a rudder and compass and never knows where he may cast. - Leonardo da Vinci

When I was nine, my father said 'You can take piano lessons or do karate' - I had a black belt and was competing before I was 19. - Elodie Yung

No theory is good unless it permits, not rest, but the greatest work. No theory is good except on condition that one use it to go on beyond. - Andre Gide

I love power. But it is as an artist that I love it. I love it as a musician loves his violin, to draw out its sounds and chords and harmonies. - Napoleon Bonaparte

Music embodies feeling without forcing it to contend and combine with thought, as it is forced in most arts and especially in the art of words. - Franz Liszt


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