British Letter of Complaint to ISP
[What follows is an example of British humour in a
complaint letter sent to a British ISP. It suggests three things:
1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones who get poor service from their
ISP, cable or alarm companies (NTL is a cable operator in Britain);
2) The Brits probably write the world's best letters of complaint; and
3) This may provide good fodder for your next letter to ______________ …]
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since July 9, 2001, when I signed up for your
four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I
had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you
can either pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these
difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining
reading material as you while away the working day smoking, and drinking
vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending
an entire Saturday
sitting on my arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not
arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW? I
alleviated the boredom by playing with myself for a few minutes - an activity at
which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the
technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit,
and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After
15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had
requested, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35% - the hours between
about 6 PM and midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made nine calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety
of disinterested individuals who are, it
seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a
telephone line is available
(and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I
will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering machine
informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone
and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman, and several
other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand
other dissatisfied
customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important on-hold
moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a
customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending
hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I truly thought British Telecom was crap, and they had attained the holy
piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could
be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because,
well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I
discovered to my
considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of
bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum
incompetents of the highest order.
BT - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success in the
filthy mire of
your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on
my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest
that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any
such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will
quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter
tray, as an expression of
my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I
sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were
satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable
disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate
texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its
worthless employees.
Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you
irritatingly incompetent
and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
Regards,
John