Fly Art
TP Kid
Snow 'Art' - Snow Good!
Pet Mouse
Play Cat
Redneck Santa Float
Rinse Ride
Noodle Art
Cursor Fun
Catch of the Day
www Victim
www Victim
Long Kiss
Kids Klub
Booger Queen
Teeter TottHer
Kids Home
Bandage Art
Rooftop Hopscotch
Bathroom Celebration
Bubble Boy
Highway Slide
Designer Dog
Stay!
Glassman
Bucket Bath
Just Deserts
Copy Cats
Safe Bike
Grapefruit Kid
Kid Cam
Hiding Horse
Hide & Seek
Cats and Backpacks
Dear Abbey
Toy Recall
Wine Gum Lamp
Tike Trike for a Fast Baby
Chair Boy
Baby Suit
Colour Car
The Joe-kster's Dentist
Kid Kars
Stick Humour
Babble Language
First Performance
Christmas Present for Naughty
Kids
Back Bacon For Kids
Look Daddy - Baby Kittens!
Q: What has antlers and sucks blood?
Q: Why did the monster eat the North Pole?
A: A moose-quito.
Q: What was the Gettysburg Address?
A: The place where Gettysburg lived.
Q: Who was the biggest gangster in the sea?
A: Al Ca-prawn.
Q: How do circus dogs fly through the air?
A: With the greatest of fleas.
Q: What is a baker's favourite game?
A: Tic Tac Dough.
Q: Why did Little Johnny take a hammer to bed with him?
A: So her could hit the hay.
Q: Why did the hockey player colour his teeth orange?
A: So they'd be easier to find on the ice.
Q: How many physicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends on the kind of insurance the bulb has.
Q: Why are you always welcome in the 'Show Me State'?
A: Because Missouri loves company.
Q: How do you make a poisonous snake cry?
A: Take away its rattle.
Q: What do you call a vampire that you can dip into your coffee?
A: Count Dunkula.
Q: What part of your house is most like an animal?
A: The seal-ing.
Q: What's at the end of the road?
A: The letter 'D'.
Q: When is it not good to get a hundred on your tests?
A:When there are two of them.
Q: What did one road say to the other road?
A: “Hi, Way!”
Q: What did the dust say to the rain?
A: “If this keeps us, my name will be Mud.”
Q: Why was the glow worm sad?
A: Because her children weren't very bright.
Q: How do you glue your mouth shut?
A: With lipstick.
Q: What smells the most in a garbage dump?
A: The nose.
Q: What has a cat's head and a fish's tail?
A: A purrmaid.
Q: Why did Little Johnny cut a hole in his umbrella?
A: He wants to see when it stops raining.
Q: Why did the robot go to a psychiatrist?
A: He was having a metal breakdown.
Q: Which pirate do fish fear the most?
A: Captain Hook.
Q: Why were the bedcovers depressed?
A: Because the nurses turned them down.
Q: Where do cows post their messages at work?
A: On the bull-etin board.
Q: What happens when pigs fly?
A: The price of bacon goes up.
Q: What monster is best at math?
A: Count Dracula.
Q: Did you hear about the knitting needle that told joe-ks?
A: It could keep you in stitches.
Q: What did the buttered toast wear to bed?
A: A pair of jam-mies.
Q: Where would you look for a lost dinosaur after a heavy rain?
A: In a dino-sewer.
Q: Did you hear about the cannibal lioness?
A: She swallowed her pride.
Q: Where do chickens go to die?
A: To oven.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a comedian and a spiritualist?
A: A happy medium.
Q: On what side of the bed does a cow sleep?
A: On the udder side.
Q: What business if King Kong in?
A: Monkey business.
Q: How do you keep your hair from frizzing up in a steamy bathroom?
A: Turn on the hair conditioner.
Q: How do artists become famous?
A: It's the lukc of the draw.
Q: What's the best way to break a computer?
A: Let a grownup use it.
Q: How do cows cut the grass?
A: They moo it.
Q: Name three famous Poles?
A: North, South and tad.
Q: What is King Tut's favourite television show?
A: “Name That Tomb.”
Q: Where does a bird go when it loses its tail?
A: To a re-tail store.
Q: Why does Jay Leno ride a motorcycle?
A: He saw a sign that said, “No Jay Walking!”
Q: Who is the clumsiest bee in a hive?
A: The stumble bee.
Q: What car do rich steers drive?
A: Cattle-acs.
Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of space.
Q: Which soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
A: Seasoned troopers.
Q: Where did King Arthur go for his math test?
A: Cram-a-lot.
Q: Why did the entrepreneur buy a bottled-water plant?
A: He wanted liquid assets.
Q: Why did the tongue stay up late?
A: It was cramming for its taste test.
Q: What do vultures always have for dinner?
A: Leftovers.
Q: What kind of vehicle did Tiger Woods used to drive?
A: A fore by fore.
Q: What do you call pigs that want everything?
A: Gimme pigs.
Q: What will you find in Little Johnny's nose?
A: Fingerprints.
Q: Why did the radiator wear sunglasses?
A: To keep cool.
Q: What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a tea party?
A: A tyrannosaucer.
Q: What do mummies use to fasten things together?
A: A Hammer and Niles.
Q: What does a dog use for playing golf?
A: A kennel club.
Q: What foreign language are birds good at?
A: Portugeese.
Q: How did the geometry teacher grade her students?
A: Fair and square.
Q: What comes out of the ground on a rainy evening?
A: Night-rogen.
Q: What sport do bananas compete in?
A: Track and peeled.
Q: What's a con artist's favourite game?
A: Lied 'n Sneak.
Q: Why do storks lift only one leg?
A: If they lifted the other leg they'd fall over.
Q: What do you call a student with four heads?
A: A quadruple pupil.
Q: Why did the witch fly through the car wash?
A: She wanted a clean sweep.
Q: Do deer enjoy themselves at parties?
A: Yes - they have a lot of faun.
Q: What do porcupines write their reports with?
A: Quill pens.
Q: Why did the two ghosts get married?
A: Because they loved each shudder.
Q: If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missile toe.
Q: What do you get when you cross a jogger with an apple pie?
A: Puff pastry.
Q: What happened to the model at the debate?
A: She posed a good question.
Q: What kind of mouthwash do Doctors recommend?
A: Stetho-Scope.
Q: How did Little Johnny improve on his piano playing?
A: By playing with the lid down.
Q: What do you get if you cross an ice cream with a dog?
A: Frost-bite.
Q: How did knights make chain mail?
A: From steel wool.
Q: Who is the sacred woman of Tibet?
A: The Dalai Mama.
Q: How did the cook watch the Olympics?
A: On the dish.
Q: What animal loves a good novel?
A: A bookworm.
Q: Why did the driver throw money on the street?
A: So he could stop on a dime.
Q: What do you cut a dinosaur bone with?
A: A dino-saw.
Q: Where did the astronaut take the killer bee?
A: To a honeymoon.
Q: Why didn't the Doctor give his patient a local anesthetic?
A: He preferred something imported.
Q: What prayer do cows say at bedtime?
A: “Do unto udders.”
Q: What do you get when you buy a lot of pickles?
A: A dill bill.
Q: Why do basketball players make bad pirates?
A: They always jump ship.
Q: What do you call an American dentist?
A: A Yank.
Q: Why couldn't the chair be fixed?
A: It would cost an arm and a leg.
Q: Why was the civil engineer boring?
A: It was the only way to make a tunnel.
Q: Why was the monster catching centipedes?
A: He wanted scrambled legs for breakfast.
Q: What do you call a skeleton that talks all the time?
A: A jawbone.
Q: What do you get when you cross a chef and a UFO?
A: Something that quickly travels through spice.
Q: Where does the President wipe his feet?
A: On a diplo-mat.
Q: Why don't lamps get sunburned?
A: Because they're always in the shade.
Q: What is the most boring farm animal?
A: Blah, blah black sheep.
Q: What kind of train carries gum?
A: A chew-chew train.
Q: Why was the lady's hair angry?
A: Because she was always teasing it.
Q: How did the candle know he was in love?
A: He met his perfect match.
Q: Which hockey team slips the most?
A: The Edmonton Oilers.
Q: What do you call a cow that eats grass?
A: A lawn mooer.
Q: What has wings but can't fly?
A: A hockey team.
Q: What do you call a Doctor's assistant with no money?
A: A poor-a-medic.
Q: What does a chicken eat at the movies?
A: Peepcorn.
Q: What do you call an amorous insect?
A: The love bug.
Q: What do you call a cat that chases outlaws?
A: Posse.
Q: Which composer wrote a delicate symphony?
A: Handel - with care.
Q: What do you call a Scottish man with a castle on his head?
A: Fort William.
Q: What do you get when King Kong slips on a glacier?
A: Crushed ice.
Q: What cat has eight arms?
A: An octopuss.
Q: How does a Doctor sneak up on you to check your heartbeat?
A: He uses a stealthoscope.
Q: How can you increase the size of your pay check?
A: Look at it through a magnifying glass.
Q: What food gets better with age?
A: A saus-age.
Q: What did they call Caesar when he fell into a vat of dye?
A: Orange Julius.
Q: What made the newspaper blush?
A: It saw the comic strip.
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a poodle?
A: A cockerpoodledoo.
Q: What kind of house weighs the least?
A: A lighthouse.
Q: How many bricks does it take to finish a house?
A: Only one - the last one.
Q: What happened to the horse who swallowed a dollar coin?
A: He bucked.
Q: What Australian animal loves to dance?
A: A tangoroo.
Q: What car breathes fire?
A: A station dragon.
Q: How do you compliment a witch?
A: Tell her she's charming.
Q: What do you call a bee who is always complaining?
A: A grumble bee.
Q: Who is the most musical deer?
A: Do-re-mi-fa-so-las-ti-doe.
Q: Why couldn't the witch get into the show?
A: It was standing broom only.
Q: What kind of fisherman always cries?
A: A whaler (wailer).
Q: What do you call an energetic chimp?
A: A spunky monkey.
Q: What do you call two pigs who write letters to each other?
A: Pen-pals.
Q: What's the perfect weather for a bride to get married?
A: Around groom temperature.
Q: Why did the dog have to go to court?
A: He got a barking ticket.
A: He was in the mood for a frozen dinner.
Q: Why don't you hear anything about the 10th reindeer “Olive”?
A: Because Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.
Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it 'soots' him.
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: “Fleece Navidad.”
Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: “Okay everyone, sack time!”
Q: What is a Jehovah Witness's favourite Christmas song?
A: “No-hell, No-hell ...”
Q: What did the lumberjack's wife say to him?
A: “Not many chopping days left before Christmas.”
Q: What does the Christmas tree stand for?
A: It would take too much room lying down.
Q: What did the ghost say to Santa Claus?
A: “We'll have a boo Christmas without you.”
Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.
Q: Which burn longer: the candles (i) on a Christmas cake; (ii) on a fruit cake or (iii) on the mantle of a fireplace?
A: They all burn shorter.
Q: What two letters are used by the elves to describe Santa's bag the day after Christmas?
A: M T.
Q: An elf said that forty reindeers have eighty-four legs. How come?
A: Forty reindeers have eighty forelegs.
Q: When the cow crossed the road on Christmas what did he say?
A: Mooooo-ry Christmas!
Q: What kind of cereal does Santa eat?
A: Snowflakes.
Q: What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus as he looked out the window?
A: “It looks like rain dear.”
Q: What do Santa's beard and a Christmas tree have in common?
A: They both need trimming.
Q: What kind of a virus can reindeer catch?
A: The Reindeer flew.
Q: What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
A: Krisp-e Kringle.
Q: What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A: A cookie sheet.
Q: Which of Santa's reindeer needs to mind his manners the most?
A: 'Rude'olph.
Q: Who sings “Love me tender”, and makes Christmas toys?
A: Santa's little Elvis.
Q: What do you get when a cat walks along the beach?
A: Sandy Claws.
Q: What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
A: Comet.
Q: What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Black mail.
Q: Who delievers cat's Christmas presents?
A: Santa Paws
Q: What are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
A: They both drop their needles.
Q: What's the best thing to put into a Christmas cake?
A: Your teeth.
Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
Q: >What are the 3 stages of man?
1) He believes in Santa Claus.
2) He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
3) He is Santa Claus.
Patient: “Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Christmas bell?”
Doctor: “Take these pills and if they don't work, give me a ring.
Q: What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
A: 'Jungle bells, jungle bells...'
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.
Q: What did the guest sing at the Eskimo Christmas Party?
A: 'Freeze a jolly good fellow.'
Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
A: Comet cleans sinks.
Q: What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
A: Santa Clues
Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
Q: How does Rudolf know when Christmas is coming?
A: He looks at his calen-deer.
Q: Which secret agent works as a department store Santa?
A: James Bond - Double Ho Ho Seven.
Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet.
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus.
Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.
Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.
Q: What is this holiday greeting?
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
A: No 'L' (Noel).
Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A: Because the angel had said, “No L!”.
Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can hoe-hoe-hoe.
Q: In what year did Christmas and New Year's fall in the same year?
A: They fall in the same year every year - New Year's Day just arrives very
early in the year and Christmas arrives very late in the same year.
One Christmas Bubba got a battery with a note saying, “Toy not included.”
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Q: What is Santa's favourite Easter candy?
A: Jolly beans.
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q: Why do you go to bed on Christmas Eve?
A: Because the bed won't come to you.
BIG Christmas Stocking
Q: As I was going to the North Pole I met nine elves.
Each elf had nine reindeer,
Each reindeer had nine bags.
Each bag had nine puppies.
And each bag had also nine cats, reindeer, elves, puppies and cats.
How many were going to the North Pole?
A: Only myself. The elves were going in the opposite direction.
Q: What kind of coat can you put on a Christmas toy only when its wet?
A: A coat of paint.
Q: What use is a reindeer?
A: It makes the flowers grow.
Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.
Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon Hood.
Q: Did you hear about the pig who started hiding garbage on Halloween?
A: He wanted to do his Christmas slopping early.
Q: What's a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
Q: How do you make a
Moroff laugh on Boxing Day?
A: Tell him a joe-k on Christmas Eve.
Q: How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
A: A Merry Christmas to Ewe.
Q: How do cats greet each other at Christmas?
A: Have a furry Merry Christmas and a Happy Mew Year.
Q: What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas Tree?
A: A pineapple.
Q: Who is never hungry at Christmas?
A: The turkey - he's always stuffed.
Q: What do snowmen have for breakfast?
A: Frosted flakes.
Q: What does Bullwinkle sing every December 25th?
A: Christmoose carols.
Q: Which tree has square roots?
A: A geometry.
Q: What did the drum say when asked what time the concert began?
A: “Beats me!”
Q: What do you add to zero, to make eight?
A: A tight belt around its waist.
Q: What kind of cat likes to go bowling?
A: An alley cat.
Q: How do you make Mexican chili?
A: Send him to the North Pole.
Q: What kind of card do you send to a shepherd?
A: A get wool card.
Q: What do you get from nervous cows?
A: Milk shakes.
Q: What's the first thing litle vampires learn in school?
A: The alpha-bat.
Q: What did the viper do when he had a cold?
A: He viped his nose.
Q: How does the Best Man put his kids to bed?
A: He tux them in.
Q: What do you call a worried turnip?
A: An edgy veggie.
Q: What's a dog's favourite breakfast food?
A: Woofles.
Q: Why did the robot need a manicure?
A: He had rusty nails.
Q: What duet do Avon ladies play on the piano?
A: Lip-sticks.
Q: What do cars eat from?
A: License plates.
Q: What do you get when you cross a banana and a comedian?
A: Peels of laughter.
Q: Why was the music teacher locked out of his classroom?
A: The keys were on the piano.
Q: What is left when you pull a tooth?
A: A one-th.
Q: What game do mice like to play?
A: Hide and squeak.
Q: What do you call a mistake by the entire homeroom?
A: A class trip.
Q: What do you get when you cross a dog with a soldier?
A: A pooper trooper.
Q: What's the difference between a hill and a pill?
A: A hill is hard to get up; a pill is hard to get down.
Q: What's the best month to chop down a tree?
A: Sep-timber.
Q: What do you call a group of people in a comedy club?
A: Laugh staff.
Q: What sound does a Chinese frog make?
A: Cloak! Cloak!
Q: Who do you call if your toast is burnt?
A: Toastbusters.
Q: Where do you get wood to make a bed?
A: In a slumberyard.
Q: What's a knight's favourite dessert?
A: Pie à la moat.
Q: Why shouldn't you brush your teeth with gun powder?
A: You might shoot your mouth off.
Q: What reptile can't be trusted?
A: A rattlesneak.
Q: What time would it be if 10 dragons chased you in your sleep?
A: Ten after one.
Q: How do you turn soup into gold?
A: Put 14 carrots in it.
Q: Why did the giant jog every morning?
A: To get his extra-size.
Q: What story tells the tale of a plumber who falls asleep for 20 years?
A: Drip Van Winkle.
Q: What do cats put in their drinks?
A: Mice cubes.
Q: Why doesn't the chin like the nose?
A: The chin thinks the nose is stuffy.
Q: How is medicine packaged for astronauts?
A: In space capsules.
Q: Where do musicians live?
A: In A flat.
Q: What do you get if you cross a computer with an elephant?
A: Loads of memory.
Q: What do Martian chickens lay?
A: Eggs-terrestrials.
Q: What do polar bears like to eat?
A: Iceberg-ers.
Q: What cake do you give to mice?
A: Cheesecake.
Q: What do you call a stupid skeleton?
A: Bonehead.
Q: What do you get when you cross poultry with Star Trek?
A: Chicken spocks.
Q: Is it difficult to be impolite?
A: No, it's rude-a-mentary.
Q: Where does a band member keep his books?
A: In a rocker locker.
Q: What's a firefly's favourite part of school?
A: Glow and Tell.
Q: What kind of suit would you wear to a kangaroo wedding?
A: A jumpsuit.
Q: Which part of a football stadium never stays the same?
A: The changing rooms.
Q: What do you call a hairless bear?
A: A bare bear.
Q: Where was the first doughnut made?
A: In Grease.
Q: What do fathers eat for snacks?
A: Popcorn.
Q: Why are a golfer's pants never wrinkled?
A: Because golfers une nine-irons.
Q: Why don't baseball players join unions?
A: Because they don't like to be called out on strikes.
Q: What are the four food groups?
A: Fast, canned, junk, and frozen.
Q: What do you call a rotten essay?
A: A decomposition.
Q: What disease do witches suffer from?
A: Broom-atism.
Q: What was Sir Lancelot's second job?
A: Knight watchman.
Q: How long will you live if you smoke cigarettes?
A: Not for lung!
Q: What did the grandfather clock say to the baby clock?
A: “Don't talk back to me!”
Q: Who solved the sweet-shop mystery?
A: Sherbert Holmes.
Q: Why must you be in good shape to become a singer?
A: You have to be able to carry a tune.
Q: What is it called when a duck scores in basketball?
A: A slam duck.
Q: Why did the chicken see the Doctor?
A: It had people pox.
Q: What goes “baaa-baaa-ka-boom”?
A: A lamb mine.
Q: Why was Bubba able to buy ice at half price?
A: It was melted.
Q: Why did the waitress call her stockbroker?
A: She was looking for a good tip.
Q: What did the eye say to the ice cube?
A: “Icy you!”
Q: What's a baby's motto?
A: “If at first you don't succeed, cry, cry again”
Q: What kind of shirts do people wear on the U.S. east coast?
A: New Jersey-s.
Q: What secret agent bleaches his hair?
A: James Blond.
Q: What was the surgeon doing in Church?
A: An organ transplant.
Q: What's the difference between a ball and a prince?
A: One is thrown to the air; the other is heir to the throne.
Q: What drink helps boxers count?
A: A one-two punch.
Q: What was the tow truck doing at the auto race?
A: Trying to pull a fast one.
Q: What does a Triceratops sit on?
A: Its Tricera-bottom.
Q: What flower lives at the North Pole?
A: A f-rose.
Q: What do you say to a stubborn chimney sweep?
A: “Soot yourself.”
Q: What do you say to a stubborn tailor?
A: “Suit yourself.”
Q: What do you say to a stubborn lawyer?
A: “Sue-it yourself.”
Q: What's another name for a collection of bees?
A: Above average grades.
Q: What do you have when there is no snow?
A: Tough sledding.
Q: Who was the first man to do math?
A: Adam.
Q: What math tool do baseball players use?
A: A slide rule.
Q: Where was Solomon's temple?
A: On either side of his head.
Q: Why are dolphins clever?
A: They live in schools.
Q: Why did the potato cry?
A: Because the chips were down.
Q: What do you call a bird that lives underground?
A: A mynah bird.
Q: What should you know if you want to be a lion tamer?
A: More than the lion.
Q: What kind of ice cream does a sailor like?
A: Boat-er pecan.
Q: Why did Dr. Jekyll cross the road?
A: To get to the other Hyde.
Q: What do you call someone who fixes pipes and plays in a band?
A: A plumber drummer.
Q: Why do watermelons get married?
A: Because they can't-elope.
Q: What do you call a group of people that dig for bones?
A: A skeleton crew.
Q: Where do musical frogs perform?
A: At the Hopera House.
Q: What do you get when you cross a plumber with a ballerina?
A: A tap dancer.
Q: What animal likes to play golf?
A: A golf lynx.
Q: What is a computer nerd's favourite lizard?
A: A geek-o.
Q: Why did the elastic band go to the baseball game?
A: It wanted to enjoy the seventh-inning stretch.
Q: Where does a werewolf like to hide?
A: In a claws-it.
Q: How do pigs communicate their dreams?
A: In swine language.
Q: Why did the employee fall asleep at work?
A: His boss told him he should retire early.
Q: How does an astronaut read in bed?
A: He flicks on a sate-light.
Q: Why did Sleeping Beauty sleep so long?
A: She forgot to leave a wake-up call.
Q: What animal pouts when it has to go to bed?
A: A whinoceros.
Q: What fruit do you get when you cross a palm tree with rocks?
A: Palmegranite.
Q: Why are Tooth Fairies so smart?
A: They gather wisdom teeth.
Q: What’s the messiest constellation?
A: The Big Dripper.
Q: How did the pancake hurt itself?
A: Doing backflips.
Q: Did you hear about the pig that learned karate?
A: He’s now doing pork chops.
Q: How do you keep a nerd in suspense?
A: I’ll tell you later.
Q: Who is the sweetest Dentist?
A: The one who gives chocolate fillings.
Q: Why did the belt get arrested?
A: It held up a pair of pants.
Q: Why did the ham go see a Doctor?
A: It wanted to know if it could be cured.
Q: What's the difference between a butcher and a night owl?
A: One weighs a steak, the other stays awake.
Q: What did the Doctor say to the patient when asked if his measles would be better the next week?
A: “I don't like to make rash promises.”
Q: What do ghosts put on first thing in the morning?
A: Their boojeans.
Q: What do little astronauts get when they do their homework?
A: Gold stars.
Q: When time flies, where does the pilot sit?
A: In the clockpit.
Q: Why did the Irishman go to the foot Doctor?
A: He had lepre-corns.
Q: What do you call a dinosaur that's always on time?
A: A prontosaurus.
Q: What is the coldest colour of all?
A: Brrrrrrrgundy.
Q: If a man crosses the ocean twice without taking a bath, what is he called?
A: A dirty double-crosser.
Q: What do farmers use to light their fields at night?
A: A flarecrow.
Q: What do you call a ship full of rabbits?
A: A harecraft carrier.
Q: What is a worm's favourite city?
A: The Big Apple.
Q: Why didn't the cat climb the tree?
A: It was a dogwood.
Q: Why don't matches play baseball?
A: One strike and they're out.
Q: Why did Little Johnny put an alarm clock in his shoe?
A: He didn't want his foot to fall asleep.
Q: What man never gets his hair wet in the shower?
A: A bald one.
Q: Where do snowmen put their web pages?
A: On the winternet.
Q: How did the mountain climber feel when he tumbled off the cliff?
A: Crestfallen.
Q: What is an astronaut's favourite thing to read?
A: A 'comet' book.
Q: What do you get if you cross a chocolate and a sheep?
A: A Hershey baaa.
Q: What kind of book tweets?
A: A dict-canary.
Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A: Sanka.
Q: What do you call a place where monsters live?
A: A terror-tory.
Q: What is your father if you take his favourite chair?
A: A mad Dad.
Q: What room is the most dangerous for men?
A: The bathroom - that's where they have so many close shaves.
Q: Why did the chicken run on to the soccer field?
A: Because the ref blew for a foul.
Q: What does a bee sit on?
A: His beehind.
Q: How did the blonde make her husband a millionaire?
A: Before she married, he was a billionaire.
Q: What is the favourite food of the Three Musketeers?
A: Swordfish.
Q: What do you get when you read a book on the beach?
A: Sandpaper.
Q: What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits the windshield?
A: It's feet.
Q: What kind of criminal is the strongest?
A: A shoplifter.
Q: What did the school nurse do when the mouse fainted?
A: She gave it mouth-to-mouse resuscitation.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde tap dancer?
A: She fell in the sink.
Q: What do you get when you cross a string quartet with a chocolate dessert?
A: Cello pudding.
Q: What do you call a sailing reptile?
A: An alligator navigator.
Q: What do you call a pig in an earthquake?
A: Shaken bacon.
Q: What do you call soap all over the bathroom floor?
A: Bubble trouble.
Q: What do models eat off?
A: Fashion plates.
Q: Why do surgeons get so many phone calls?
A: Because they're big operators.
Q: What did the angry baseball umpire shout to the bald coach?
A: “You're outta hair!”
Q: Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with?
A: The girl necks door.
Q: What is Dracula's favourite kind of coffee?
A: Decoffinated.
Q: What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
A: Shrinkenstein.
Q: What happened when the young wizard met the young witch?
A: It was love at first fright.
Q: Did you hear about the vampire who died of a broken heart?
A: He had loved in vein.
Q: What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
A: “I love every bone in your body!”
Q: Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
A: Because he had bat breath.
Q: What is a vamire's favorite fruit?
A: A necktarine.
Q: How can you tell a vampire likes baseball?
A: Every night he turns into a bat.
Q: What do you give to a pumpkin who is trying to quit smoking?
A: A pumpkin patch.
Q: What's a vampires favourite holiday?
A: Fangsgiving.
Q: What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire?
A: A toasty ghosty.
Q: Why do ghosts like to ride elevators?
A: It raises their spirits.
Q: What do skeletons say before eating?
A: Bone appetite.
Q: What happens when two vampires meet?
A: It was love at first bite.
Q: When does a ghost have breakfast?
A: In the moaning.
Q: How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire?
A: So long, sucker.
Q: What do ghosts drink at breakfast?
A: Coffee with scream and sugar.
Q: What's a monster's favourite bean?
A: A human bean.
Q: What's a Vampire's least favourite song?
A: Another one bites the dust.
Q: What is a ghost's favourite band?
A: The Boos Brothers.
Q: What's a Skeleton's favourite song?
A: Bad to the bone.
Q: What do you call a witch's garage?
A: A broom closet.
Q: What is in a ghost's nose?
A: Boo-gers.
Q: What is a Ghost's favourite food?
A: HamBoogers.
Q: What's a skeleton's favourite part of the house?
A: The living room.
Q: Who was the most famous ghost detective?
A: Sherlock Moans.
Q: Who was the most famous witch detective?
A: Warlock Holmes.
Q: Why did Dracula go to the dentist?
A: He had a fang-ache.
Q: Why are vampires like false teeth?
A: They all come out at night.
Q: Why did the Vampire read the New York Times?
A: He heard it had great circulation.
Q: Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
A: The Vampire State Building.
Q: Where does a ghost go on vacation?
A: Mali-boo.
Q: Whats a ghost's favorate type of car?
A: A Boo-ick.
Q: What did the teenage witch ask her mother on Halloween?>
A: Can I have the keys to the broom tonight.
Q: Why don't mummies take vacations?
A: They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
Q: What do ghosts say when something is really neat?
A: Ghoul.
Q: Where did the ghost get it's hair done?
A: At the boo-ty shop.
Q: What did the ghost say to the man at the coffee shop?
A: Scream or sugar.
Q: Where do ghosts go for fun?
A: To the boo-vies.
Q: Why did the ghost go into the bar?
A: For the Boos.
Q: Why was the girl afraid of the vampire?
A: He was all bite and no bark.
Q: How does a girl vampire flirt?
A: She bats her eyes.
Q: What tops off a ghost's ice cream sundae?
A: Whipped scream.
Q: Why did the skeleton go disco dancing?
A: To see the boogy man.
Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria.
Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
A: He is mist.
Q: Where did the goblin throw the football?
A: Over the ghoul line.
Q: Why doesn't Dracula mind the Doctor looking at his throat?
A: Because of the coffin.
Q: What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
A: Mas-scare-a.
Q: Who was the most famous French skeleton?
A: Napoleon bone-apart.
Q: Where do most werewolves live?
A: In Howllywood, California.
Q: Where do most goblins live?
A: In North and South Scarolina.
Q: What do Italian's eat on Halloween?
A: Fettucinni Afraid-o.
Q: What do you call a little monster's parents?
A: Mummy and Deady.
Q: What do you call a monster who poisons corn flakes?
A: A cereal killer.
Q: Why do vampires scare people?
A: They are bored to death.
Q: How do you keep a monster from biting his nails?
A: Give him screws.
Q: What is a ghosts favourite sale?
A: A white sale.
Q: What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?
A: A boo-tie.
Q: What type of dog do vampires like best?
A: Bloodhounds.
Q: What do canaries do on Halloween night?
A: They go trick or tweeting.
Q: What would happen if you moved Halloween from the fall to the spring?
A: You'd get April Ghoul's Day.
Q: How do ghosts like their eggs cooked?
A: Terrifried.
Q: What do ghosts wear at the beach?
A: Sun scream.
Q: What is a monster's favourite ride in an amusement park?
A: The roller ghoster.
Q: What does a ghost wear in the rain?
A: Ghouloshes.
Q: What does a ghost use on his computer monitor?
A: A scream saver.
Q: Why did the ghost starch her sheets?
A: So that she could scare everyone stiff.
Q: What type of music do witches play?
A: Hagtime.
Q: What type of pets do ghosts have?
A: Scaredy-cats
Q: What is a baby ghost's favourite game?
A: Peek-a-BOO!
Q: Why was the ghost arrested?
A: He didn't have a haunting license.
Q: What do you call a prehistoric ghost?
A: A terror-dactyl.
Q: What do ghosts have for dessert?
A: Booberry ice scream.
Q: What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
A: “Do you believe in people?”
Q: What did the ghost teacher tell her pupils?
A: “Spook when you're spooken too!”
Q: Where do ghosts get an education?
A: At high sghoul.
Q: How did the ghosts win their football game?
A: They kicked a field ghoul.
Q: How can you tell when a ghost is about to faint?
A: He gets pale as a sheet.
Q: What do little ghosts do their homework in?
A: Exorcise books.
Q: Where do ghosts buy their sheets?
A: In a boo-tique.
Q: What happened when the ghost teachers went on strike?
A: They were replaced by a skeleton staff.
Q: Who writes invisible books?
A: A ghost writer.
Q: What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Fasten your sheet belt!
Q: What pasta do ghosts like best?
A: Spook-etti
Q: Do ghosts hunt with guns?
A: No, they use a boo and arrow.
Q: What's a good gift for an Australian ghost?
A: A boomerang.
Q: Who did the ghost take to the prom?
A: His ghoul friend.
Q: What do you say before you start a meeting with ghosts?
A: “Please be sheeted.”
Q: What do you call a ghost that picks on other ghosts?
A: A boo-lly.
Q: How does a young ghost count?
A: One, boo, three.
Q: What do ghosts sing in the singing club?
A: Spirituals.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a hot-air balloon with a ghost?
A: High spirits.
Q: Why did the spirit study English?
A: To become a ghostwriter.
Q: Why did the tiny ghost join the football team?
A: He heard they needed a little school spirit.
Q: Why didn’t the teacher believe the little ghost’s excuse?
A: She could see right through it.
Q: Why do ghosts go to school?
A: To get a dead-ucation.
Q: Why do ghosts make great cheerleaders?
A: They have lots of spirit.
Q: Why was the ghost of Anne Boleyn always running after the ghost of Henry VIII?
A: She was trying to get a-head.
Q: What do ghosts chew?
A: Boo-ble gum.
Q: Why is it good to tell ghost stories in hot weather?
A: Because they're so chilling.
Q: What position did the ghost play on the hockey team?
A: Ghoulie.
Q: What does a ghost read every day?
A: His horror-scope.
Q: How do ghosts get to school in the morning?
A: They take a ghoul bus
Q: Who did the gravediggers invite to their Halloween party?
A: Anyone they could dig up.
Q: What's worse than being a 300-pound witch?
A: Being her broom.
Q: Why don't vampires like steak?
A: It goes right through them.
Q: What's a witch's favourite dessert?
A: Ice scream.
Q: How do vampires travel the ocean?
A: By blood vessel.
Q: Why did the vampire get fired from his job as a zookeeper?
A: He kept biting the visitors.
Q: Why did Dracula's girlfriend dump him?
A: The relationship was very draining.
Q: What do you get if you cross a snowman and a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: What do witches use to style their hair?
A: Scare spray.
Q: Why did the vampire get taken away in a straitjacket?
A: He had gone batty.
Q: How did the werewolf send his birthday cards?
A: By hair-mail.
Q: Why do people get so upset when a vampire bites them?
A: It's a drain in the neck.
Q: What kind of mail does Dracula receive after doing a movie?
A: Fang mail.
Q: Why did the vampire get sick after lunch?
A: He ate a stake sandwich.
Q: Did you hear about the vampire who keeps his teeth in the freezer?
A: He gives his victims frostbite.
Q: What's a vampire say to his victims?
A: “It's been nice gnawing you!”
Q: Why do vampires drink blood?
A: Grape juice makes them burp.
Q: Why is a haunted house always dark?
A: Ghosts scare the daylights out of it.
Q: What do ghosts take for a headache?
A: Casper-in.
Q: What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
A: Boo-boos.
Q: What do ghosts spread on bagels?
A: Scream cheese.
Q: Why do witches like to ride brooms?
A: Vacuum cleaners are too heavy.
Q: Why don't skeletons play music in Churches?
A: They have no organs.
Q: Why did the stupid goblin flunk his math test?
A: He couldn't find the scare root.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a witch with a gourmet chef?
A: An eight-curse meal.
Q: What's a skeleton's favourite road?
A: A dead end.
Q: How do you make a witch itch?
A: Take out the 'W'.
Q: What does a modern witch fly?
A: An electric broom.
Q: What is a witch's favourite bird?
A: A scare crow.
Q: What type of jewelry do witches wear?
A: Charm bracelets.
Q: What kind of goblin likes blood?
A: A hemogoblin.
Q: How does a witch tell time?
A: With a witch watch.
Q: What do you get if you cross a witch with an iceberg?
A: Cold spells.
Q: Why was the witch kicked out of school?
A: Because she failed spelling.
Q: What do you call two witches who live together?
A: Broom-mates.
Q: Why don't witches ride on their brooms when they're angry?
A: They're afraid of flying off the handle.
Q: Why do witches wear name tags?
A: So they know which witch is which.
Q: What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A: A road hag.
Q: What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A: A sand-witch.
Q: What do witches ring for in a hotel?
A: B-room service.
Q: How do you make a nervous witch?
A: Give the witch 'T' to make her TWITCH.
Q: What happens to witches who get into trouble at magic school?
A: They're ex-spelled.
Q: What kind of watch does a witch wear?
A: A witch-watch.
Q: What does a witch serve her friends?
A: A full-curse meal.
Q: How did they ship skeletons in the Old West?
A: By bony express.
Q: What do you call a skeleton who won't get up in the mornings?
A: Lazy bones.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the prom?
A: He had no body to go with.
Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A: No body.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton eat the food at restaurant?
A: Because he didn't have the stomach for it.
Q: Why are skeletons so calm?
A: Because nothing gets under their skin.
Q: Who was the famous skeleton detective?
A: Sherlock Bones.
Q: What did the skeleton get in Hawaii?
A: A skeletan.
Q: How do skeletons call their friends?
A: On the tele-bone.
Q: Why do skeletons catch cold so fast?
A: Because they're chilled to the bone.
Q: What did the skeleton order at the restaurant?
A: Spare ribs.
Q: What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley?
A: “Bone to be wild!”.
Q: How do you make a skeleton laugh?
A: Tickle its funny bone.
Q: What is a skeleton's favourite musical instrument?
A: A trom-bone.
Q: What is a skeleton snake called?
A: A rattler.
Q: Why do skeletons sing in Church?
A: Because they've got no organs.
Q: What did the skeleton say to the little dog?
A: “I've got a bone to pick with you!”.
Q: What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
A: “Bone appetit!”.
Q: Where do skeletons keep their money?
A: In a joint account.
Q: What's a good wedding gift for a skeleton?
A: Bone china.
Q: What do you get if you cross a skeleton with a dog?
A: An animal that buries itself.
Q: What do skeletons call study periods?
A: Skull sessions.
Q: Why did the injured skeleton take up sewing?
A: So his bones would knit.
Q: Why did the skeleton go to school?
A: To bone up on a few things.
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton like to go to school?
A: His heart wasn’t in it.
Q: What kind of glasses do monsters drink from?
A: Franken-steins.
Q: What kind of telephones do mummies use?
A: Touch-tomb phones.
Q: What kind of key does a skeleton use?
A: A skeleton key.
Q: What kinds of tests do they give witches?
A: Hex-aminations.
Q: Why was the witch first in her class?
A: She was a good speller.
Q: Why doesn't anyone like Dracula?
A: He has a bat temper.
Q: Why do vampires have to write so many letters?
A: They have to reply to their fang clubs.
Q: Why was the mummy so tense?
A: She was all wound up.
Q: Why isn't Dracula invited to many parties?
A: Because he's a pain in the neck.
Q: Where do vampires keep their savings?
A: In a blood bank.
Q: What is the scariest U.S. city?
A: Spookane, Washington.
Q: What days of the week do monsters like best?
A: Moan-day, Tombs-day and Fright-day.
Q: Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
A: To improve his bite.
Q: How do monsters predict the future?
A: They read their horrorscope.
Q: What do you call a wizard from outer space?
A: A flying sorcerer.
Q: Why wasn't the vampire working?
A: He was taking a coffin break.
Q: Why don't mummies have any friends?
A: They're too wrapped up in themselves.
Q: What did the mummy say to the detective?
A: “Let's wrap up this case.”.
Q: Why did the one-eyed monster give up teaching?
A: He only had one pupil.
Q: What's a mummy's favourite music?
A: Wrap.
Q: Why did the vampire go to art school?
A: He needed to draw blood.
Q: Why did the headless horseman go to college?
A: He wanted to get ahead in life.
Q: Where do mummies go swimming?
A: In the Dead Sea.
Q: How can you tell if a mummy has a cold?
A: She starts coffin.
Q: Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A: They're good at keeping things under wraps.
Q: What is Dracula's favourite sport?
A: Casketball.
Q: What is a mummy's favourite treat?
A: Cotton candy.
Q: What do you call two ancient Egyptian friends buried in a tomb together?
A: Chummy mummies.
Q: Why don't hungry monsters like to eat mummies?
A: It takes too long to get the wrappers off.
Q: What's the difference between a kangaroo and a mummy?
A: One bounds around, the other is bound around.
Q: Which mummy was a football player?
A: King Hut-Hut-Hut.
Q: How do you use an Egyptian mummy's doorbell?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
Q: What did one empty pyramid say to the other?
A: “I miss my mummy.”.
Q: What kind of underwear do mummies wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
Q: How do you keep a mummy crisp and fresh?
A: Use plastic wrap.
Q: What do you say about a terrible mummy movie?
A: “It sphinx!”.
Q: Why don't mummies go on vacation?
A: They're afraid that they'll relax and unwind.
Q: How did the mummy react to the dull class?
A: It was bored stiff.
Q: What's Dracula's favourite sport?
A: Bat-minton.
Q: What would you get if you crossed Count Dracula with a fish?
A: A caped cod.
Q: What would you get if you crossed Dracula with a PC?
A: Computer bytes.
Q: Why is it fun to play baseball with Dracula?
A: He has lots of bats.
Q: What do you call an overweight vampire?
A: Draculard.
Q: What do you call the man who writes all of Dracula's joe-ks?
A: His crypt writer.
Q: What would you get if you crossed Jesse James and Dracula?
A: A robbery at the blood bank.
Q: Why did Dracula go to the dentist?
A: He had fang decay.
Q: Where does Dracula water ski?
A: On Lake Erie.
Q: What do you get when you cross Dracula with Microsoft Word?
A: A word count.
Q: Where did Count Dracula earn his college degree?
A: At night school.
Q: What do you get when you cross a manicurist with Dracula?
A: A nail biter.
Q: What is Dracula's favourite soup?
A: Scream of Tomato.
Q: Why is the Dracula family so close?
A: Because blood is thicker than water.
Q: What disease does Count Dracula fear most?
A: Tooth decay.
Q: Who is Count Dracula's favourite person on a baseball team?
A: The bat boy.
Q: What does Count Dracula use to cut his food?
A: A 'stake' knife.
Q: If Dracula's son played baseball, what would he be?
A: Batboy.
Q: What kind of restaurant does Dracula hate?
A: A stake house.
Q: What is Dracula's favourite song?
A: “Fangs for the memory...”.
Q: What colour is Dracula's door?
A: Ghoul-den.
Q: What does a ghost drink in the morning?
A: Coff-eek.
Q: What does Dracula take when he has a cold?
A: Coffin medicine.
Q: What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A: A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Q: Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
A: No, they eat the fingers separately.
Q: What do zombies like to eat at a cook out?
A: Halloweenies.
Q: What do you call a fake horse?
A: A phony pony.
Q: What do you call a cruel ruler?
A: A mean queen.
Q: What do you call a bird that loves sweet rolls?
A: A muffin puffin.
Q: What do you call a werewolf professor?
A: A creature teacher.
Q: What kind of sweaters do bald rabbits wear?
A: Mo-hare.
Q: What do you call a bandit that leaves a slimy trail?
A: A slug thug.
Q: What do you get when you lay your head on a bongo?
A: An eardrum.
Q: What do killer whales eat for snacks?
A: Potato ships.
Q: How do you videotape a beach party?
A: With a clamcorder.
Q: What is the biggest moth in the world?
A: A mam-moth.
Q: What do you get when you put a purse in your bed?
A: A sleeping bag.
Q: What do you get when you bungee jump with a sore throat?
A: A cough drop.
Q: Which dog is the most boring?
A: The poo-dull.
Q: What dog keeps an eye on the kids?
A: A baby-setter.
Q: How does a watchdog get wound up?
A: He runs in circles.
Q: What's a lifeguard's favourite game?
A: Pool.
Q: Which planet is the smoggiest?
A: Pollute-o.
Q: What do you call a rabbit that does dangerous stunts?
A: A haredevil.
Q: What is another name for submarine pilots?
A: Deep sea drivers.
Q: Why did the Man in the Moon's pants fall down?
A: He forgot to wear his asteroid belt.
Q: What does the Man in the Moon get when he plays Jeopardy?
A: The constellation prize.
Q: What colour loves to go boating?
A: Oar-ange.
Q: What kind of fish drinks quickly?
A: A gulp-y.
Q: Why are astronauts banned from pools?
A: They make too many splashdowns.
Q: What fish is used by a fencer?
A: Swordfish.
Q: What do you call an Olympic swim star?
A: A damp champ.
Q: What do you call a wet bear?
A: A drizzly grizzly.
Q: What egg travels to unknown places?
A: An eggs-plorer.
Q: Why did the milk carton sleep in the library?
A: It wanted to curdle up with a good book.
Q: What do you get if you cross a pig and a red light?
A: A stop swine.
Q: What kind of berry makes a loud, honking sound?
A: A goose-berry.
Q: Why couldn't #7 and #10 get married?
A: They were under 18.
Q: Why was the lightbulb interested in the light switch?
A: It turned him on.
Q: What is a bathtub's favourite dessert?
A: A cake of soap.
Q: What do you call a group of boring musicians?
A: A bland band.
Q: Why shouldn't you play the notes on a piano?
A: You'll get into treble if you do.
Q: What kind of soup weighs 2000 pounds?
A: One ton soup.
Q: What do you call a silly song about silverware?
A: A spoon tune.
Q: What do you call a pig driving a car?
A: Road hog.
Q: What sort of news do werewolves fear?
A: Silver bulletins.
Q: What do you use to knit a barbed-wire fence?
A: Steel wool.
Q: Why do elephants have ivory tusks?
A: Iron tusks would rust.
Q: What do they put on a criminal pig?
A: Hamcuffs.
Q: When is the best time of day to eat a crisp apple?
A: At crunchtime.
Q: What jacket do firemen prefer?
A: Blazers.
Q: What do you call a spaceship with a faulty thermostat?
A: A frying saucer.
Q: What movie producer was always scratching himself?
A: Alfred Itchcock.
Q: What do you call a bird that loves to play cowboys?
A: Wyatt Chirp.
Q: What do you call a telephone call from one vicar to another?
A: A Parson-to-Parson call.
Q: What does Charlie Brown like on his toast?
A: Peanuts butter.
Q: What happened when the potato got pulled over by the police?
A: He got a spud-ding ticket.
Q: Which came first - the chicken or the egg?
A: The chicken - God couldn't lay an egg.
Q: What pliers do you use in math?
A: Multipliers.
Q: What U.S. city has the best eyesight?
A: See-attle.
Q: What happens when you sit on a grape?
A: It gives a little whine.
Q: What is the plural of baby?
A: Twins.
Q: What did the mummy robot say to her children?
A: “Look before you bleep!”
Q: What do you call a swearing teacher?
A: Sir-Cuss.
Q: What job did the spider get?
A: Web designer.
Q: What do you call an animated monster?
A: A toon goon.
Q: What did the kneecap get when it went scuba diving?
A: The bends.
Q: What is the most arrogant bird?
A: A cocky-too.
Q: What happens when pants cut school?
A: They get suspendered.
Q: What do you get when your lawnmower goes out of control?
A: Stained-grass windows.
Q: Why did the soldier salute the refrigerator?
A: Because it was General Electric.
Q: What does a snake do when its car gets stuck in a swamp?
A: It uses four-eel drive.
Q: What smells good and rides a horse?
A: The Cologne Ranger.
Q: What phrase is guaranteed to wake up an audience?
A: “And now, in conclusion...”
Q: What would you get if you crossed a cold with a leaky faucet?
A: Cough drops.
Q: What squawks and jumps out of airplanes?
A: A parrot-trooper.
Q: What's the scariest thing about flying Zombie Airlines?
A: The fright attendants.
Q: How do you blow up a balloon?
A: Poke it with a sharp pencil.
Q: What Jedi loves winter sports?
A: Luke Ski-walker.
Q: What did the golfer eat for lunch?
A: A sand wedge.
Q: What do you call a clumsy lion?
A: King of the Bungle.
Q: Do zombies like being dead?
A: Of corpse!
Q: Why can't you take a turkey out for dinner?
A: It gobbles its food.
Q: What is a medicine dropper?
A: A Doctor with greasy fingers.
Q: What was the plumber doing in the operating room?
A: He was a drain surgeon.
Q: How did the shepherd's flock look?
A: Sheepshape.
Q: Where do monkeys sleep?
A: In ape-ricots.
Q: What happens to good hairdressers?
A: They dye and go to heaven.
Q: Why did the knife sharpener quit his job?
A: He couldn't take the grind.
Q: What was the poor locksmith always looking for?
A: The key to success.
Q: Where do they keep the Goodyear blimp?
A: In a high-rise building.
Q: Who gives money to elephants who lose a tooth?
A: The tusk fairy.
Q: What kind of music do you hear in a playground?
A: Swing.
Q: What kind of food always has something nice to say?
A: Complimentary peanuts.
Q: Where do you send old detectives?
A: To the clue factory.
Q: Did you hear the one about the bed?
A: It hasn't been made up yet.
Q: How is a sneezing elephant like a spy?
A: They both have a code in the head.
Q: What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?
A: A farm animal that milks itself.
Q: How do you make a Maltese cross?
A: Pull its tail.
Q: What side of a hedgehog is the sharpest?
A: The outside.
Q: What's a snake's favourite ice cream?
A: Asp-berry.
Q: What's a cyclop's motto?
A: Stare and stare alike.
Q: What do you get when you cross an ape and a crustacean?
A: A shrimpanzee.
Q: Why did Little Johnny bring a ladder to the school assembly program?
A: The music teacher asked him to sing higher.
Q: What kind of carts do golfers need?
A: Carts with fore-wheel drive.
Q: What kind of car do you drive in the fall?
A: An autumn-mobile.
Q: Why did Mrs. Grape leave Mr. Grape?
A: She was tired of raisin kids.
Q: What kind of bird sits on a stool?
A: A stool pigeon.
Q: What is black, white and very difficult?
A: An exam paper.
Q: What wild animals are the best dressed?
A: Tie-gers.
Q: What kind of man can hold up a 50-ton truck with one hand?
A: A policeman.
Q: What kind of friends do tongues have?
A: Taste buds.
Q: What did Pinocchio say to the barber?
A: "Just a whittle off the top."
Q: Where do you go to learn how to start fires?
A: Tinder-garten.
Q: What do mountaineers do when they're bored?
A: They climb the walls.
Q: Where do gerbils go on vacation?
A: New Hampster.
Q: Why do starfish get up in the middle of the night?
A: They have to
twinkle.
Q: What's the best thing for nail biting?
A: Sharp teeth.
Q: Why is a baby duckling like an icicle?
A: They both grow down.
Q: What did the nose say to the ear?
A: “Gotta run!”
Q: How did the cook invent macaroni?
A: He used his noodle.
Q: Why did the elephant eat a candle?
A: It wanted a light dinner.
Q: What happens if you swallow a frog?
A: You could croak at any minute.
Q: Why did the beaver go to the hospital?
A: It was feeling knaw-seous.
Q: Which letter can you sail on?
A: 'C'.
Q: Where do crocodiles store their food?
A: In refrigergators.
Q: What is the biggest pencil in the world?
A: Pennsylvania.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but he needs to give it a good twist.
Q: How did the hot dogs get married?
A: For better or wurst.
Q: What fruit is always complaining?
A: A crab apple.
Q: Why should you stay calm when you meet a cannibal?
A: It's no use getting in a stew.
Q: Which part of a boat is the most polite?
A: The bow.
Q: How do clowns send computer messages?
A: By glee-mail.
Q: Why did the clock get kicked out of school?
A: It was always tocking.
Q: Why was the dog twitching so much?
A: It had a tic.
Q: Why can't Batman and Robin go fishing?
A: Robin eats all the worms.
Q: What movies make people cry?
A: E-motion pictures.
Q: What happens when a Finnish swimmer gets into trouble?
A: Helsinki.
Q: How do you make an apple puff?
A: Chase it round the kitchen.
Q: What do you do when a pig chokes in the school cafeteria?
A: You give him the ham-lich maneuver.
Q: Why was the opera singer kicked out of class?
A: For passing notes.
Q: What do the natives of Peru write with?
A: Inca.
Q: Who sits in front of the TV with bad posture?
A: A slouch potato.
Q: What kind of horses frighten ranchers?
A: Nightmares.
Q: What do elves do after school?
A: Gnomework.
Q: When is it most unlucky to have a black cat cross your path?
A: When you're a mouse.
Q: What do you get when you cross a pot and a bush?
A: A pan tree.
Q: What do you call a man with no shins?
A: Tony.
Q: What do you call a cat that sucks lemons?
A: A sour puss.
Q: What shampoo do mountains use?
A: Head and Boulders.
Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and axes?
A: Milk and hackers.
Q: Why did the girl go to night school?
A: She wanted to learn to read in the dark.
Q: Why did the waiter fall over?
A: He was tipped.
Q: How does a Dentist get to work each morning?
A: By Tooth Ferry.
Q: What do you call a girl with sausages on her head?
A: Barbie.
Q: What's got feathers, fangs and swims?
A: Count Duckula.
Q: What does a math teacher use to plow a field?
A: A pro-tractor.
Q: What's Snow White's brother's name?
A: Egg White ... get the yolk?
Q: Why didn't the flea look well?
A: It wasn't feeling up to scratch.
Q: How does a sailor send computer messages?
A: By sea-mail.
Q: What do rodents drink in the summer?
A: Mice tea.
Q: Where do you find the names of famous cooks?
A: “In Stew's Who.”
Q: What kind of dog can be hot and cold?
A: A chilly chili dog.
Q: On which side of the house did Jack's beanstalk grow?
A: The outside.
Q: Why do dolphins swim in salt water?
A: Pepper makes them sneeze.
Q: How does an Eskimo build his house?
A: Igloos it together.
Q: What do you call a smashed penny?
A: A bent cent.
Q: Why did the teacher put the lights on?
A: Because the class was dim.
Q: What's filled with ink and has no hair?
A: A bald-point pen.
Q: What do you get if you cross a bronco with a dog?
A: An animal whose buck is worse than his bite.
Q: Why do quilters love pine trees?
A: They're full of needles.
Q: What did the vegetarian eat for lunch?
A: Yamburgers and fries.
Q: What sport involves skating and little grey animals?
A: Mice hockey.
Q: How did the computers afford a vacation?
A: They all chipped in.
Q: Why do astronauts wear bullet-proof vests?
A: To protect themselves against shooting stars.
Q: What kind of bees are found in dead flower gardens?
A: Zom-bees.
Q: Why is it good to have holes in your underwear?
A: So you can put your legs through.
Q: What does a snake charmer wear around his neck?
A: A boa tie.
Q: What is a comedian's favourite snack?
A: Corn bread.
Q: What position did the monster play on the baseball team?
A: Fright fielder.
Q: What kind of X-rays do foot Doctors take?
A: Foot-ographs.
Q: What do you do with a green monster?
A: You wait until it ripens.
Q: Where do sea cows sleep at night?
A: In a barn-acle.
Q: What happened to Little Johnny when he swallowed a watch?
A: He felt tick to his stomach.
Q: What do you call two cats?
A: A purr.
Q: What do you call a cool candle?
A: Wick-ed.
Q: Why did the bungee jumper take a vacation?
A: He was at the end of his rope.
Q: What rabbit hands out parking tickets?
A: Meter Cottontail.
Q: Which number is the best golfer?
A: 4.
Q: What do waiters dream about?
A: Sirloin tips.
Q: What Robin Hood sidekick loved fast food?
A: French Friar Tuck.
Q: What did the birdwatcher say when he spotted a large flock of geese heading south for the
winter?
A: “Migratious!”
Q: What do you call payment for a job not well done?
A: Token effort.
Q: What music don't wasps like?
A: Raid-io.
Q: What girl has a lot of missing pieces?
A: Jenn-der Gap.
Q: What happens when a bear gets scared?
A: Panda-monium.
Q: Why did Little Johnny get sent from his music class to the principal's office?
A: He was a treble maker.
Q: How did the pessimist count his blessings?
A: Five, four, three, two, one...
Q: What athletes went up the hill to fetch a pail of water?
A: Jock and Jill.
Q: Who went on horseback up the hill to fetch a pail of water?
A: Jockey and Jill.
Q: What bullies went up the hill to fetch a pail of water?
A: Jerk and Jill.
Q: What happens to a harp when its strings break?
A: It has open-harp surgery.
Q: What would you get if you crossed Miss Piggy with a beauty queen?
A: Mess America.
Q: What kind of dog has the most ticks?
A: A watch dog.
Q: What do VCR tapes do at night?
A: They unwind.
Q: How do amoebas break up with their boyfriends?
A: They split.
Q: What do Eskimos eat at a Mexican restaurant?
A: Brrrrr-itos.
Q: What kind of vehicle does a math teacher drive?
A: A 4X4.
Q: What type of pen do people throw money at?
A: A fountain pen.
Q: When are teachers awesome?
A: When they have a lot of class.
Q: What happened when the boarding house blew up?
A: Roomers were flying.
Q: Where do books sleep?
A: Under their covers.
Q: What do you say to a hitchhiking frog?
A: “Hop in.”
Q: Where does a golf instructor work?
A: At a driving school.
Q: Who is the meanest chicken?
A: Atilla the Hen.
Q: What would you get if you crossed an elephant and an alligator?
A: An elephator.
Q: What did the corn chip say to the potato chip?
A: “Let's go for a quick dip.”
Q: Why didn't the 16 Rednecks get into the movies?
A: Because the sign said, “Under 17 not admitted.”
Q: What footwear survived the Titanic sinking?
A: Only the sole survivor.
Q: What would you get if you crossed an alligator with a pygmy?
A: A crocodile with a short temper.
Q: Where did Little Johnny find a turtle without feet?
A: Exactly where he left him.
Q: What do elves surf on?
A: Micro-waves.
Q: What did the baseball glove say to the baseball?
A: “Catch you later.”
Q: What candies do mad scientists eat after supper?
A: Experi-mints.
Q: How do you cope with a gas leak?
A: Send him out of the room and open the window.
Q: How do Martians drink their tea?
A: From flying saucers.
Q: What do sunglasses say when they marry?
A: “Eye do.”
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.
Q: Who talks for the workers in a bicycle factory?
A: The spokesperson.
Q: Do minks think hunting animals is inhumane?
A: Fur sure!
Q: What happened at the baseball game played on the Ark?
A: It was a Noah-hitter.
Q: What do Martians roast at campfires?
A: Marsmallows.
Q: What vegetable did the Pilgrim get lost in?
A: Maize.
Q: Where does a jogger like to wash up?
A: Under running water.
Q: What famous pirate had to brush his teeth and be in bed by eight o'clock?
A: Captain Kidd.
Q: How did Mary feel about her little lamb's insomnia?
A: She wasn't going to lose any sheep over it.
Q: What's a banker's favourite dance?
A: The vaults.
Q: What do maples give each other when they marry?
A: Tree rings.
Q: Did you hear about the man who washed his kilt?
A: He could not do a fling with it.
Q: What did the violin say to the musician?
A: “Stop picking on me.”
Q: Where would you never see a vegetarian?
A: At a meat-ing.
Q: Who is green and eats porridge?
A: Mouldy Locks.
Q: What's a bear's ancestor called?
A: A forebear.
Q: What's the best way to send a message to a vegetable?
A: By pea-mail.
Q: What lizard wears a hairpiece?
A: A wiguana.
Q: What organized gang destroys wool coats?
A: The mothia.
Q: What does a thief wear to a fancy party?
A: A mink stole-n.
Q: What do peases, beanses and soupses come in?
A: Kansas.
Q: Which part of a newspaper do barbers read?
A: Only the headlines.
Q: Why did the hat turn bad?
A: It was hanging out with a lot of hoods.
Q: Where did Little Johnny find the turtle with no legs?
A: Right where he left him.
Q: What's the laziest thing in a cafeteria?
A: The nap-kins.
Q: What got the plywood in trouble?
A: Coming unglued.
Q: Where does a lion work out?
A: At the jungle gym.
Q: Where do chickens find information for their school reports?
A: In the hencyclopedia.
Q: Why did the actor need a calculator?
A: For audition and subtraction.
Q: How does a trombone score a home run?
A: It slides.
Q: What's the best way to cross a moat?
A: In a moat-er boat.
Q: What should you do if you get a rash from biting mosquitoes?
A: Stop biting mosquitoes.
Q: What did the bread do when it woke up?
A: It loafed around.
Q: What do you lend to a needy vet?
A: A helping hound.
Q: How do undertakers speak?
A: Gravely.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a vampire with a duck?
A: Count Quackula.
Q: What do you get when you cross a python with a peach?
A: A snake pit.
Q: What do you call it when all of the monkeys leave a zoo?
A: An ape escape.
Q: What's a shark's favourite game?
A: Bite and seek.
Q: What paper is a cat's favourite?
A: The Daily Mews.
Q: What did the big watch hand say to the little watch hand?
A: “Don't go away - I'll be back in an hour.”
Q: What do you call a telephone placed next to a window?
A: A sill phone.
Q: What do you call overactive underwear?
A: Hyper diaper.
Q: What is the easiest way to keep milk from turning sour?
A: Leave it in the cow.
Q: What do buffaloes celebrate every 200 years?
A: Their Bison-tennial.
Q: Why did the polygamist cross the aisle?
A: To get to the other bride.
Q: Did you hear about the slow deck of cards?
A: It just shuffled along.
Q: What bird is always in the kitchen?
A: A cook-oo.
Q: Why was the shoe shy?
A: It was tongue-tied.
Q: What does an angel grill at a picnic?
A: Wings.
Q: Why do vampires have a high divorce rate?
A: Things never work out when your love is in vein.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a meat-eating dinosaur and a giraffe?
A: Tyrannosaurus Necks.
Q: What do you get if you cross a rabbit's ears with a computer?
A: Floppy discs.
Q: How do you fix a broken pizza?
A: With tomato paste.
Q: Why did the chicken run away from home?
A: It was tired of being cooped up.
Q: Which part of a desk is an art teacher's favourite?
A: The draw-ers.
Q: Why did Dr. Jekyll go to the beach?
A: To tan his Hyde.
Q: What was the Doctor doing in the fridge?
A: Fixing a cold cut sandwich.
Q: What practical joe-ks do mathematicians play?
A: Arithmetricks.
Q: How does a farmer cut his grass?
A: With a lawn moo-er.
Q: What's red, sweet, and bites people?
A: A jampire.
Q: What do you get when you cross a suit with a howling monster?
A: A wash-and-werewolf.
Q: What do most people think about the centers of cherries?
A: They're the pits.
Q: What do you call a pig with good table manners?
A: Sick.
Q: What do you call a naughty monkey?
A: A badboon.
Q: How do you know when Little Johnny has been using your computer?
A: There are eraser marks on the screen.
Q: Why did the impatient dog see a dog psychiatrist?
A: He had a wait problem.
Q: What superheroine always messes things up?
A: Blunder Woman.
Q: Why did the shoe go to the Doctor?
A: He wanted to get heeled.
Q: Why did the little bird buy the big bird a greeting card?
A: For Feather's Day.
Q: What do parachute jumpers pack their gear in?
A: Air bags.
Q: What kind of cake do you get after a bad dinner?
A: A stomach-cake.
Q: Why did Daddy Watch leave work early?
A: He wanted to spend some quality time with his offspring.
Q: Which U.S. state is the tiniest?
A: Mini-sota.
Q: What do you get when a gymnast flips over a dandelion?
A: A tumbleweed.
Q: What do you call an eye with no sense of humour?
A: An eye-witless.
Q: What's a chiropractor's favourite snack?
A: Crackers.
Q: Which rabbit makes dress suits for men?
A: Peter Cottontailor.
Q: Why don't women become bald as soon as men?
A: Because they wear their hair longer.
Q: What did they give the cannibal who was late for dinner?
A: The cold shoulder.
A NAME="DinosaurHoliday">Q: Where does a dinosaur go for vacation?
A: To the dino-shore.
Q: What do you call a funny cat?
A: A witty kitty.
Q: What holds the moon up?
A: Moon beams.
Q: What happens when an onion tells a joe-k?
A: You laugh and cry at the same time.
Q: Why does a banana use suntan lotion?
A: So it won't peel.
Q: What happened when the centipede broke all his feet?
A: He didn't have a leg to stand on.
Q: How do you stop fish from smelling?
A: Hold their noses.
Q: What tests do magicians do best on?
A: Trick questions.
Q: What do you say to someone going on a photo safari in Africa?
A: “Drop me a lion.”
Q: Where do fish like to sleep?
A: In river beds.
Q: Which two animals are found in the alphabet?
A: Double ewe.
Q: What do you feed a pet frog?
A: Croakers and milk.
Q: What kind of car does Luke Skywalker drive?
A: A Toy-Yoda.
Q: What do you call a bear with no ears?
A: A b.
Q: What did the baby skunk want to be when it grew up?
A: A big stinker.
Q: Who cleans up after the wedding ceremony?
A: The maid of honour.
Q: What kind of tool do you use to fix a broken gorilla?
A: A monkey wrench.
Q: Why did Mickey Mouse quit his job?
A: He was tired of the rat race.
Q: What do you call spiders that just got married?
A: Newlywebs.
Q: Why do fish avoid the computer?
A: So they don't get caught in the Inter-net.
Q: What does the Jolly Green Giant use to eat his beans?
A: A forklift.
A NAME="LikesCamping">Q: What person likes camping more than anyone?
A: The Presi-tent.
Q: What do you call a parrot in a raincoat?
A: Polyunsaturated.
Q: What's the difference between a shiny dime and a dirty quarter?
A: 15 cents.
Q: What do you call a woman who checks punctuation?
A: Dot.
Q: What Bible character was named after a pig?
A: Abra-ham.
Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A: Taller.
Q: What is the best advice to give a worm?
A: Sleep late.
Q: What do bakers read to their children at night?
A: Bread-time stories.
Q: What do you call a cannibal that eats his mother's sister?
A: An aunt eater.
Q: Where does an Eskimo keep his computer?
A: In a Gig-loo.
Q: What's underneath every robot?
A: A robot-tom.
Q: Where did the zookeeper sign his new contract?
A: On the dotted lion.
Q: What happened when the tire drove over a nail?
A: The nail knocked it flat.
Q: What do baseball catchers eat dinner from?
A: Home plate.
Q: How did the rake greet the hoe?
A: “Hi, hoe!”
Q: How does a computer programmer order in a restaurant?
A: From a pull-down menu.
Q: How do you get a paper baby?
A: Marry an old bag.
Q: How do you make a strawberry swirl?
A: Send it to ballet school.
Q: When should you charge your electric toothbrush?
A: When you can't pay cash.
Q: What would you get if you crossed the Lone Ranger with an insect?
A: The Masked-quito.
Q: What does a martial arts fan eat?
A: Kung food.
Q: What beauty contest did Venus, the Goddess of Love, win?
A: Myth Universe.
Q: What did the macaroni say to the tomato?
A: “Don't get saucy with me.”
Q: Why couldn't the duck get his medical degree?
A: He was a quack.
Q: What did one knife say to the other knife?
A: “Look sharp.”
Q: Who do birds marry?
A: Their tweethearts.
Q: What shoes are made for lazy people?
A: Loafers.
Q: Why couldn't the duck get his medical degree?
A: He was a quack.
Q: What is a shopper's favourite class?
A: Buy-ology.
Q: What has wings and solves
number problems?
A: A moth-ematician.
Q: Why did the sun get straight A's?
A: Because it was very bright.
Q: What do you call a small person who lives in a bottle?
A: A teeny genie.
Q: Do rubber bands lie?
A: No, they just stretch the truth.
Q: What fruit makes drinking easier?
A: The straw-berry.
Q: What did one pie say to the other pie?
A: “I think I've got a crust on you.”
Q: Why did the lightning bug go to the school nurse?
A: It had glowing pains.
Q: What's a good name for a molecule?
A: Adam.
Q: How do you find a cow in space?
A: Follow the Milky Way.
Q: What do colourful snakes take for a headache?
A: Asp-irin.
Q: What do rude people take for a headache?
A: Crass-pirin.
Q: What do fishermen take for a headache?
A: Bass-pirin.
Q: What do heavy smokers take for a headache?
A: Gasp-irin.
Q: What do cats take for a headache?
A: As-purr-in.
Q: Who jumps rope on a boat?
A: The skipper.
Q: What did the computer have for breakfast?
A: Spam and eggs.
Q: Why don't robots panic?
A: Because they have nerves of steel.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a porcupine and an alarm clock?
A: A stickler for punctuality.
Q: Why did the tennis coach give his team a lighter?
A: Because they kept losing their matches.
Q: What do salad makers do while they sleep?
A: Toss and turn.
Q: Why do fish go after worms?
A: Because they're hooked on them.
Q: What did Tennessee?
A: The same as Arkansas.
Q: What do you call a drama coach?
A: A speech teach.
Q: What position did the mouse serve in Parliament?
A: Squeaker of the House.
Q: What did the man say when he lost the fencing match?
A: “Foiled again.”
Q: Which monsters invented the airplane?
A: The Fright Brothers.
Q: What is a baseball player's musical instrument?
A: The base guitar.
Q: What animals did Little Johnny buy with a dollar?
A: Four quarter horses.
Q: What do you call a Scotsman with his own computer?
A: Mac.
Q: What animal do you look like when you're in the shower?
A: A little bear.
Q: How do farmers know when to grow hay?
A: They take a straw poll.
Q: Why is a lawyer like a crow?
A: Because he likes to have his cause heard.
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: What fairy tale tells the story of an unattractive wonton that becomes beautiful?
A: The Ugly Dumpling.
Q: What do you call a rhino surrounded by lions?
A: Grey prey.
Q: In what month do girls talk the least?
A: February.
Q: What do acupuncture patients and bad wrestlers have in common?
A: Sooner or later, they both get pinned.
Q: What do you call a roll that's finished baking?
A: A done bun.
Q: What flowers are dangerous?
A: Vio-lents.
Q: Who fills cavities and gets into trouble?
A: Dentist the Menace.
Q: What did the judge say to his Dentist?
A: “Pull my tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”
Q: What do you call a happy fruit?
A: A merry cherry.
Q: What's a lightning bug's favourite game?
A: Glow 'n Tell.
Q: What do you call a hungry seagull?
A: A sea-gulp.
Q: Why do rodeo cowboys chew tobacco?
A: To sweeten their breath.
Q: What city has two of everything?
A: Pair-is.
Q: What stories are told on boats?
A: Ferry tales.
Q: What kind of cat food is popular in Tijuana?
A: Meow Mex.
Q: How do snakes eat so well with no hands?
A: They have forked tongues.
Q: What do you call a song you sing on a road trip?
A: A car tune.
Q: What do photographers and bats have in common?
A: They both hang out in dark rooms.
Q: Who wears tights and swings from the curtains?
A: The Draped Crusader.
Q: What did the worm say when it ate its way into the cucumber?
A: “I'm really in a pickle now!”
Q: What has a long neck that smells good?
A: A giraffodil.
Q: When are potatoes good drivers?
A: When they keep their eyes peeled.
Q: What bears like to swim but can't fit into bathing suits?
A: Bare-a-cudas.
Q: How did the composer sneak into the opera house?
A: Through the Bach door.
Q: What flies, chirps, and sings religious songs?
A: A hymningbird.
Q: How does a mother Dalmation find her puppies?
A: She spots them.
Q: Why was the bull afraid of everything?
A: He was a cow-ard.
Q: What do you get when a blonde dyes her hair?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: What colour is a burp?
A: Burple.
Q: What do you call an eager fruit?
A: Peachy keen.
Q: Why do cows have horns?
A: Because they're moo-sical.
Q: What is locomotion?
A: A crazy dance.
Q: What's a rodent's favourite carnival ride?
A: A ferret's wheel.
Q: Why do teachers take aspirin?
A: For detention headaches.
Q: What girl is between 12 and 20 years old?
A: Chris-teen.
Q: Where's the best place to have a good cry?
A: Under a weeping willow.
Q: How did the seaweed study?
A: By weeding books.
Q: What did the cow say to the bull in the car?
A: “I'll drive, you steer.”
Q: What do you say when you see Bugs Bunny taking a bath in your soup?
A: “Waiter, there's a hare in my soup.”
Q: Why did the truck driver stop on the highway to eat his salad?
A: He saw a fork in the road.
Q: Where is the best place to look for a helping hand?
A: At the end of your arm.
Q: What did King Arthur wear to bed?
A: A knight gown.
Q: What is the difference between a baseball player and a crazy pilot?
A: One bats flies, the other flies bats.
Q: What snake discovered the Pacific Ocean?
A: Balboa Constrictor.
Q: What kind of zoo makes the most annoying noises?
A: A ka-zoo.
Q: How does the Man in the Moon eat soup?
A: With a Big Dipper.
Q: What's the correct way to file an axe?
A: Under the letter 'A'.
Q: What do elephants take when they have insomnia?
A: Trunk-ulizers.
Q: What kind of ape lives in a gym?
A: A gympanzee.
Q: What does the army do with priests?
A: It sends them on secret missions.
Q: What was the Olympic athlete's problem?
A: Slipped discus.
Q: What's the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy?
A: One baits his hook while the other hates his book.
Q: What do movie stars build their houses with?
A: Holly-wood.
Q: What did one pile of sand say to the other pile of sand?
A: “Dune anything tonight?”
Q: What happens to a hamburger when it misses school?
A: It has a lot of ketchup time.
Q: What's a rattlesnake's favourite holiday?
A: Fangs-giving.
Q: What duet do police officers play on the piano?
A: Cop-sticks.
Q: How do you clean a sheep?
A: Give it a baa-th.
Q: Why was Little Miss Muffet upset?
A: She didn't get her whey.
Q: Did you hear about the two dirty bathtubs that got married?
A: It was a double-ring ceremony.
Q: What do you call a magician's assistant?
A: Trixie.
Q: Why did the Math teacher win the argument with the English teacher?
A: Because fractions speak louder than words.
Q: What's worse than a crocodile with a toothache?
A: A centipede with sore feet.
Q: What do comedians make sandwiches on?
A: Cornybread.
Q: Why did the golfer do so well in school?
A: He was the teacher's putt.
Q: What is the meanest farm animal?
A: The bullygoat.
Q: How do rabbits travel?
A: By hareplane.
Q: Why were the postman and the chimney sweep in court?
A: They were accused of blackmail.
Q: What is the tallest plant in France?
A: The Eiffel Flower.
Q: What do the police have to have before they can come into your home looking for parrots?
A: A perch warrant.
Q: What kind of car does Barbie drive?
A: A Toy-ota.
Q: What is pigskin mostly used for?
A: Holding pigs together.
Q: What did the baby birds do before the school football game?
A: They had a peep rally.
Q: What chickens rob people?
A: Peck-pockets.
Q: Which girl has a lot of change?
A: Penny.
Q: How do you fit more pigs onto a farm?
A: Build a sty-scraper.
Q: What do you call a bird that belongs to Noah?
A: An ark lark.
Q: Why won't the Joe-kster tell you the joe-k about the butter?
A: Because you would only spread it.
Q: What is the lion-taming act at the circus called?
A: The mane event.
Q: Who can knit while firing a machine gun?
A: Grambo.
Q: What's a duck's favourite TV rerun?
A: “I Love Goosey”
Q: What do you call the sun's back tooth?
A: A solar molar.
Q: How did the Vikings send secret messages?
A: By Norse code.
Q: Where can you find a cow's class picture?
A: In a steerbook.
Q: Where can you find a looking glass's class picture?
A: In a mirrorbook.
Q: Where can you find a fellow student's class picture?
A: In a peerbook.
Q: Where can you find a mechanic's class picture?
A: In a gearbook.
Q: Where can you find an ear's class picture?
A: In a hearbook.
Q: Where can you find Bambi's class picture?
A: In a deerbook.
Q: Where can you find a fortune teller's class picture?
A: In a seerbook.
Q: Where can you find a sad person's class picture?
A: In a tearbook.
Q: Where can your butt's class picture?
A: In a rearbook.
Q: Where can you find Frankentein's class picture?
A: In a fearbook.
Q: Where can you find a peeping Tom's class picture?
A: In a leerbook.
Q: Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
A: Because he couldn't get his calves together.
Q: What do sneakers do when they're angry?
A: Stick their tongues out.
Q: How does a termite find life in the summer?
A: Boring.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Roman Emperor with a pair of shears?
A: Julius Scissors.
Q: What do rich turtles wear?
A: People-necked sweaters.
Q: What happened when the omelet acted up in school?
A: It got eggs-pelled.
Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A: Sue.
Q: Who settles mysteries while making coffee?
A: Nancy Brew.
Q: Where do you take an injured bee?
A: To the waspital.
Q: Why is spaghetti smarter than a meatball?
A: Because it uses its noodle.
Q: What song do you sing while playing Nintendo?
A: “Mario We Roll Along.”
Q: What do you get if you cross a sports reporter with a vegetable?
A: A common tater.
Q: How do you know the frogs found the flies delicious?
A: They rated them 'two tongues up'.
Q: Why is the letter 'C' like a magician?
A: It can turn ash into cash.
Q: Why can't you take your dog to school?
A: It's a no barking zone.
Q: Why did the doughnut maker go bankrupt?
A: He couldn't get out of the hole.
Q: Why was the runner at third base so sad?
A: Because there's no place like home.
Q: What do you get when you cross a school janitor with a cheerleader?
A: A chore-leader.
Q: Why did the motorist put a rabbit in his gas tank?
A: He needed the car for short hops.
Q: Why did the girl take a pencil to bed?
A: To draw the curtains.
Q: Which subject is a mouse's favourite?
A: Lite-rat-ure.
Q: Why do lazy people bake bread?
A: Because they like to loaf.
Q: Why is a cow in the kitchen like a house on fire?
A: The sooner it's out the better.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic rabbi?
A: He walks around saying, “Yo.”
Q: How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
A: Put lox on it.
Q: What do you get when you cross snoopy with a hornet?
A: A bee-gle.
Q: What do you call a man who keeps pet rabbits and writes epic novels?
A: Waren Peace.
Q: How did Noah get wrecked cars onto the ark?
A: Tow-by-tow.
Q: What is a truck driver's favourite food?
A: A big Mack.
Q: Why did the photographer quit his job?
A: He snapped.
Q: Why was the duck family sad?
A: Because they had a lot of bills.
Q: What part of your face is the biggest gossip?
A: Chattering teeth.
Q: What was the Invisible Man raised on?
A: Evaporated milk.
Q: What do you get if you cross a cow and a camel?
A: Lumpy milkshake.
Q: What do you get when you cross a squid and a parrot?
A: A squawktopus.
Q: How can you walk through walls?
A: Use the door.
Q: What do you call a coloured contact lens?
A: An eye dye.
Q: How do pieces of bread in Paris celebrate?
A: They make French toast.
Q: Why don't sticks of dynamite like to race?
A: They always come in blast place.
Q: Why did Little Johnny call his son Calculator?
A: So he could count on him in the future.
Q: What do you call a pit bull without a hind end?
A: A bottomless pit.
Q: What do you use to cut the ocean?
A: A seasaw.
Q: What do you get if you cross a cow with a mule?
A: Milk that has a kick to it.
Q: If there are two umbrellas and five people, how can they avoid getting wet?
A: By going inside.
Q: What do you get if you cross a rabbit with a wolf?
A: A harewolf.
Q: What do you call the noise made by the crowd at Wimbledon?
A: A tennis racket.
Q: Which dog was a great public speaker?
A: Spaniel Webster.
Q: Why don't nature lovers play badminton?
A: They don't want to hit the birdie.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snake with a kangaroo?
A: A jump rope.
Q: What do you get if you cross a gopher with a porcupine?
A: A leaky tunnel.
Q: Why did the seal cross the road?
A: To get to the otter side.
Q: What becomes of most love triangles?
A: They turn into wrecktangles.
Q: Why are families like a box of chocolates?
A: They're mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Q: Are horses good acrobats?
A: Yes - they can turn cartwheels.
Q: What do you call a thrifty computer on wheels?
A: A chip skate.
Q: How do birds exercise before they go to bed?
A: They do worm-ups.
Q: What do you call a twelve-inch hotdog?
A: A frankfooter.
Q: Why did the jury laugh at the lawyer?
A: He was showing them his briefs.
Q: What do you call a man who keeps pet rabbits?
A: Warren.
Q: What would you find in a computer cookie jar?
A: A chocolate chip.
Q: What do you call a tired tent?
A: A sleepy tepee.
Q: What instrument would a roof play in a school band?
A: A gui-tar.
Q: Why are eggs such losers?
A: Because they are always getting beaten.
Q: What did the composer do to improve on his tennis game?
A: He worked on his Bach-stroke.
Q: Why do elephants lie down?
A: Because they can't lie up.
Q: What do you call a bunch of planes that fly backwards?
A: A receding airline.
Q: What do you get when you cross a whale with a carpenter?
A: Moby Deck.
Q: What do you call Snow White's wicked stepmother?
A: A mean queen.
Q: What soup is fresh but still boring?
A: Chicken new-dull.
Q: Why did the Volkswagen go to the hospital?
A: It had a bug.
Q: Why is a dog's tail like the heart of a tree?
A: Because it's farthest from the bark.
Q: When does a potato change nationality?
A: When it's French-fried.
Q: Why did the photographer take pictures on windy days?
A: He wanted to shoot the breeze.
Q: Where does a cowboy borrow money?
A: From the loan arranger.
Q: What do you call popcorn kernels that don't pop?
A: Flop-corn.
Q: What natural disaster moves too fast to be seen clearly?
A: A blurricane.
Q: What do the British call an Eskimos' house if it doesn't have a toilet?
A: An ig.
Q: What did the Dentist recommend to his skinny patient?
A: To eat between brushing.
Q: How does
Little Johnny do bird impressions?
A: He eats worms.
Q: Where did Cinderella Spaghetti dream she was going?
A: To the Meat Ball.
Q: What was Noah's profession?
A: He was an arkitect.
Q: What does Mr. Spock perform at parties?
A: Magic treks.
Q: How do you stop your feet from falling asleep?
A: Wear loud socks.
Q: What's red and flies and wobbles at the same time?
A: A jellocopter.
Q: How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
A: With a pumpkin patch.
Q: What do you call the top of a doghouse?
A: The woof.
Q: How does the sky listen to music?
A: Through the cloud-speaker.
Q: What do you get if you cross an owl with a skunk?
A: A bird that smells and doesn't give a hoot.
Q: What did the elephant say when it sat on the box of cookies?
A: “That's the way the cookie crumbles.”
Q: Why was the polar bear upset with her test grade?
A: It was only 20 below zero.
Q: Where does a daffodil hear its favourite music?
A: On a bloom box.
Q: Why did the python need a vacation?
A: He needed to unwind.
Q: What did the Martian say when he landed in the flower bed?
A: “Take me to your weeder.”
Q: Why did Little Johnny make a paper boat out of his report card?
A: He wanted to sail the seven C's.
Q: What do you get when two strawberries meet?
A: A strawberry shake.
Q: What do you call a Shakespearian actor who eats garlic?
A: Macbreath.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a comedian and a frog?
A: A practical croaker.
Q: What do you call the rubber disk in a waterfowl's hockey game?
A: A duck puck.
Q: What do lambs do if they can't fly?
A: Go by spacesheep.
Q: What is a dog's favourite food?
A: Anything that's on your plate.
Q: Why do dragons make bad bosses?
A: Because they fire everybody.
Q: What do you get if you cross a tangerine and a lion?
A: An orange that nobody picks on.
Q: What does a mermaid take to stay healthy?
A: Vitamin sea.
Q: How does a fire-eater like his steaks?
A: Flame broiled.
Q: What soda do frogs like best?
A: Cherry croak.
Q: What did the man say when his dog got hit by a train?
A: Doggone.
Q: What do you call a wrench belonging to a toad?
A: A toad's tool.
Q: What's the sign of a great seafood restaurant?
A: Their catch of the day is fish sticks.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a fuzzy yellow bear with a virus?
A: Winnie the Flu.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a vampire with an Avon lady?
A: Whatever it is, when it rings the doorbell, don't answer it!
Q: Who is the coldest relative on earth?
A: Aunt Arctica.
Q: What do you call two spiders who just got married?
A: Newlywebs.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a comedian with a boxer?
A: A comic who knocks you out with his punch line.
Q: Why did the vegetable quit its job?
A: The benefits were good, but the celery wasn't.
Q: What did the golf ball say to the golf club?
A: “You drive me wild!”
Q: What does the term 'extinct' mean?
A: A dead skunk.
Q: What do you call a train that puts money under your pillow?
A: A toot fairy.
Q: Why was the insect kicked out of the national park?
A: Because it was a litterbug.
Q: What did the pastor say when he took a shower?
A: “Let us spray.”
Q: What's a gymnast's favourite movie?
A: Backbend to the Future.
Q: What happened to the guy who quit smoking cold turkey?
A: He's still coughing up the feathers.
Q: What does a deer use to carry her books?
A: A buck-pack.
Q: What does a student need to pass auto shop?
A: Good motor skills.
Q: What's the name of a really strict female teacher?
A: Miss Laura Norder.
Q: What animal shouldn't you invite to a parade?
A: A Rain-deer.
Q: What's the best way to get in touch with your Mom?
A: Beep-er.
Q: What is an executive's favourite sport?
A: Boss-ball.
Q: Why did the janitor get fired?
A: He got caught sweeping on the job.
Q: What do famous wolves become members of?
A: The Howl of Fame.
Q: Who married Mr. and Mrs. Green Giant?
A: The justice of the peas.
Q: Why is a baseball game like a pancake?
A: Its success depends on the batter.
Q: What happened when the scientist fell into the lens grinding machine?
A: He made a spectacle of himself.
Q: What do squirrels eat on their birthdays?
A: Do-nuts.
Q: What is the best day to go to the beach?
A: On Sun-day.
Q: What do you call a giant fish that climbs the Empire State Building?
A: King Cod.
Q: Why didn't the crooked tailor go to jail?
A: He mended his ways.
Q: What do you call a hole that has been filled in?
A: A not hole.
Q: How does an astronaut read in bed?
A: He flicks on a satellight.
Q: What do you say to a chicken before a performance?
A:“Break an egg.”
Q: Why did the weatherman bring a bar of soap to work?
A: He was predicting showers.
Q: What's big, cold, and directs movies?
A: Stephen Iceberg.
Q: Why don't ducks enjoy the desert?
A: They're afraid of quacksand.
Q: What's a crick?
A: The noise made by a Japanese camera.
Q: How is a rubber band like an alligator?
A: If you pull it too hard, it snaps.
Q: Why did the doughnut go to the dentist?
A: Because it needed a chocolate filling.
Q: What school game can you play by yourself?
A: Hookey.
Q: What do you call a young coal digger?
A: A minor miner.
Q: What are the sneakiest plants?
A: Creeping vines.
Q: What is the sickest part of a house?
A: The flue.
Q: If you're facing east, what would be on your right hand?
A: Fingers.
Q: What is a basketball player's salary based on?
A: His net worth.
Q: How do horses wear their hair in the summer?
A: In pony tails.
Q: What's purple and 5,000 miles long?
A: The Grape Wall of China.
Q: What do you call a sick alligator?
A: An illigator.
Q: What do you call someone who doesn't use a handkerchief?
A: Greensleeves.
Q: What do you call a fish that goes to school?
A: A class bass.
Q: What would you get if you crossed the Pillsbury doughboy with a lumberjack?
A: Bread sticks.
Q: Why couldn't the banker ride a bike?
A: Because he lost his balance.
Q: Who was the toughest newscaster?
A: Walter Concrete.
Q: Where does the British government keep its teacups?
A: In the Cabinet.
Q: Why did the cheetah take her cub to the eye doctor?
A: He was seeing spots.
Q: What do friends share during a sad love story?
A: Glum drops.
Q: Why did Mozart keep hitting his head on the piano?
A: He was playing by ear.
Q: What do you call an all-police orchestra in a large Massachusetts city?
A: The Boston Cops.
If a train station is where trains stop, what is a work station?
Q: What does a cat like to eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Crispies.
Q: What's the best day to have a barbeque?
A: On Fry-day.
Q: How can you tell if a dessert is really delicious?
A: You'll get two yums up.
Q: What do health-conscious cannibals put in their stir-fry?
A: Toe-fu.
Q: What does the Joe-kster wear under his pants?
A: Pun-derwear.
Q: What has four legs and says, “Boo”?
A: A cow with swine flu.
Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show.
Q: What's the name of Stevie Wonder's favourite book?
A: Around the Block in 80 Days.
Q: What country has the largest population of male deer?
A: Stag-nation.
Q: What were the names of the very first teachers?
A: Miss and Sir.
Q: What's salty and feels good on a sunburn?
A: The Pacific Lotion.
Q: What job did the frog take in the resort hotel?
A: Bell hop.
Q: Where do shellfish sleep on cruise ships?
A: In their crab-ins.
Q: What kind of whales do you find off the coast of Scotland?
A: Kilter whales.
Q: What kind of dog plays in a band?
A: Rocker spaniels.
Q: What has six legs, bites, and talks in code?
A: A Morse-quito.
Q: What is another name for a magician's wand?
A: A trick stick.
Q: What's a good name for a fruit?
A: Barry.
Q: Where is a good place to live for a locksmith?
A: In the Florida Keys.
Q: What do you call a fruit that keeps bumping into trees?
A: A blind date.
Q: What do cows put on their hot dogs?
A: Moo-stard.
Q: What do you get if you cross an explorer with a cat?
A: Christopher Columpuss.
Q: Where do computers go on Saturday night?
A: To the Disk-o.
Q: What do prize fighters wear to bed?
A: Boxers.
Q: What kind of car do movie stars wish for?
A: An Os-car.
Q: What is a can's favourite sport?
A: Tin-nis.
Q: What do you call a prisoner's pet budgie?
A: A jailbird.
Q: What did the bee say after a long trip away from his house?
A: “Honey, I'm home.”
Q: Where did the hand like to eat?
A: At a fist-food restaurant.
Q: What did the chef name his son?
A: Stew.
Q: How did the basketball court get wet?
A: The players dribbled all over it.
Q: Which part of your eye goes to school?
A: The pupil.
Q: What does a mechanic watch for entertainment?
A: Jumper cable TV.
Q: What kind of pig goes “knio-knio”?
A: One that talks backwards.
Q: How many substitute teachers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they just leave it dark and show a movie.
Q: Are bugs afraid of policemen?
A: Only if they're members of a SWAT team.
Q: What did the car say to the bridge?
A: “You make me cross!”
Q: What do Doctors give elephants to calm them down?
A: Trunk-quilizers.
Q: Which garden insects are always polite?
A: Lady bugs.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a midget and a computer?
A: A short circuit.
Q: Did you hear about the school for junior liars?
A: They have double-crossing guards.
Q: What does a T. Rex do when it sleeps?
A: It Dino-snores.
Q: Why did the jogger get a ticket?
A: He ran a stop sign.
Q: What type of crackers do firefighters like in their soup?
A: Firecrackers.
Q: Where do monsters go to college?
A: Goon-iversities.
Q: How do you prevent a summer cold?
A: Catch it in the winter.
Q: What is a tongue's favourite food?
A: Gar-lick.
Q: What is a sheepherder's motto?
A: Shear and shear alike.
Q: What game do banks play?
A: Check-ers.
Q: Why is a sofa like a roast chicken?
A: They're both full of stuffing.
Q: What do you win at the Arctic Olympics?
A: Cold medals.
Q: What do trapeze artists sing in the shower?
A: Swing.
Q: What do hockey players listen to?
A: Anything on a com-puck disc player.
Q: What do you call an air conditioner that prefers to be by itself?
A: An or-phan.
Q: What did the Doctor use to fix a broken heart?
A: Ticker tape.
Q: What do you call the biggest ant in the world?
A: An eleph-ant.
Q: What is the worst tasting drink of the day?
A: Nas-tea.
Q: What do you call a beach?
A: Sand land.
Q: How do you catch baby frogs?
A: With a tadpole.
Q: How does seaweed move?
A: With a little kelp from its friends.
Q: What fish did knights eat?
A: Swordfish.
Q: What did the ship say to the pier?
A: “What's up, dock?”
Q: What do you call a house in France with two toilets?
A: Toulouse.
Q: How does a European mountain call for assistance?
A: “Alp, Alp!”
Q: What country eats the most fried food?
A: Greece.
Q: Why aren't moles welcome in banks?
A: Because they burrow too much.
Q: What do geese get when they eat too much chocolate?
A: Goose pimples.
Q: What do you get when you cross a sprinter with a comedian?
A: A running joe-k.
Q: What do tired & sleepy New Yorkers knit with?
A: Yawn.
Q: What's the best kind of letter to read on a hot day?
A: Fan mail.
Q: Where do sick fairies go?
A: To the elf centre.
Q: What kind of jeans show the most affection?
A: Hip Huggers.
Q: Where do baby cows go to eat lunch?
A: To the calf-a-teria.
Q: What did one fraction say to the other?
A: “Half a nice day.”
Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a seagull?
A: A bird that makes a mess on your head and then says sorry.
Q: Why couldn't O go to the game?
A: It was too busy minding its Ps and Qs.
Q: What's yellow and white, and throws itself off the edge of the dining table?
A: A lemming meringue.
Q: What did the mouse say to the camera?
A: “Cheese!”
Q: What kind of dog did Noah have?
A: A floodhound.
Q: What happens when a frog is double-parked on a lily pad?
A: It's toad away.
Q: What characterizes a grandfather clock?
A: His time is running out.
Q: What do you get when you cross a supersonic jet with a hamburger?
A: Very fast food.
Q: How can you tell if a hotel is very exclusive?
A: Room service has an unlisted number.
Q: What do you get when you cross an owl and a goat?
A: A hootenanny.
Q: Why did the raisin go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn't find a date.
Q: What bell is used for flooring?
A: Mar-bell.
Q: Why don't koalas wear shoes?
A: They like walking in bear feet.
Q: What do you call cleaning your room?
A: A chore bore.
Q: How did the frog feel after his sixth cup of coffee?
A: A little jumpy.
Q: What do you get when you cross a library and an elf?
A: A shhhh-elf.
Q: What counterfeiters were active during the American Revolution?
A: Valley Forgers.
Q: Where do horses stay in a hotel?
A: In the bridle suite.
Q: What does a Doctor do with a sick zeppelin?
A: He tries to helium.
Q: What do you get if you cross an owl with an oyster?
A: An animal that drops pearls of wisdom.
Q: What is a plumber's favourite movie?
A: 20,000 Leaks Under the Sea.
Q: Where do horses stay in a hotel?
A: In the bridle suite.
Q: What do boxers like to drink?
A: Fruit punch.
Q: What happened to the retired bartender?
A: He's no longer behind bars.
Q: What do you get when you cross an ATM with a dairy farm?
A: Lots of cash cows.
Q: Who did ancient nerds worship?
A: Geek gods and goddesses.
Q: What's green and bouncy?
A: A spring onion.
Q: What kind of bugs love the snow?
A: Mo-ski-tos.
Q: Why did the farmer take his chickens to the vet?
A: It was time for their rooster shots.
Q: What type of lettuce did they serve on the Titanic?
A: Iceberg.
Q: Why was the baseball player at the store?
A: For a sales pitch.
Q: Who makes mistakes faster than a speeding bullet?
A: Blooperman.
Q: Who says “Buenos Dias” and scratches a lot?
A: A Span-itch teacher.
Q: What do clams do when it rains at the beach?
A: They seek shell-ter.
Q: Why did the plumber go to court?
A: He was being sue-aged.
Q: Who invented the telephone?
A: The Phoen-icians.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: Why did the chauffer do so well in school?
A: He had a lot of drive.
Q: How do you scramble eggs?
A: G-e-s-g.
Q: What do you call cheese that's tastier than all the others?
A: Better cheddar.
Q: What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?
A:“Dam!”
Q: What's a cannibal's favourite food?
A: Baked beings.
Q: If all your clothes were stolen, what would you go home in?
A: The dark.
Q: How did the music teacher fix a broken horn?
A: With a tuba glue.
Q: What's best to write with?
A: It de-pens.
Q: What does an octopus wear?
A: A coat of arms.
Q: What do you call a top scholar?
A: A main brain.
Q: Why did Thomas Edison have a good sense of humour?
A: He made light of everything.
Q: Which veggie/fruit has feet?
A: Pota-toes and Toma-toes.
Q: Which food likes math?
A: Sal-add.
Q: Why did the student drop out of his computer class?
A: He was key-bored.
Q: What dog is the best swimmer?
A: A lap dog.
Q: How did the toupee get started in the movies?
A: He got a small part.
Q: What do you get when you cross Moby Dick and a Timex?
A: A whale watch-er.
Q: What do you call a camel with no humps?
A: Hump free.
Q: What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A: A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird.
Q: Why did the queen bee get tired of all the other bees?
A: Because they kept droning on and on.
Q: What do boxers take to keep healthy?
A: Fight-amins.
Q: Why did the corn farmer buy a parrot?
A: He wanted a pet who could talk his ears off.
Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: At the North Poll.
Q: What kind of karate moves do sheep use?
A: Lamb chops.
Q: What does farmer duck drive?
A: A quack-tor.
Q: What do you call 20 rabbits moving backwards?
A: A receding hare line.
Q: What's an oyster's favourite food?
A: Sand-wiches.
Q: Why did Bubba & his girlfriend want to get married in the bathtub?
A: They wanted a double-ring ceremony.
Q: What's a Peeping Tom's favourite game?
A: Hide 'n Peek.
Q: What's big, hairy, and has a pen between his toes?
A: Bic-foot.
Q: What's a cookbook publisher's slogan?
A: We'll show you some dish respect.
Q: What did the cat say when he played leapfrog with a porcupine?
A:“Ouch!”
Q: Who was the fastest magician that ever lived?
A: Hurry Houdini.
Q: What does a chicken use to blow its nose?
A: Kleen-eggs.
Q: What did the biscuit say when it got run over?
A:“Oh, crumbs.”
Q: How did the Doctor finally cure Little Johnny of seeing spots?
A: He took away his dominoes.
Q: What's your ideal weight?
A: Five to ten minutes. Then I leave.
Q: What banker snitches on his friends?
A: A tattle-teller.
Q: What do you do when the road has a headache?
A: Ride on the shoulder.
Q: Why was the cow such a good comedian?
A: She was udderly ridiculous.
Q: What goes, “putt, putt, putt, putt”?
A: A bad golfer.
Q: What did the man put on his car when the weather was cold?
A: An extra muffler.
Q: What's another name for parrot food?
A: Pollyfilla.
Q: What do sunbathers eat for breakfast?
A: Toast and eggs, sunny-side up.
Q: Why did Captain Hook cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.
Q: What do cowboys put on their pancakes?
A: Maple stirrup.
Q: How tough is a carpenter?
A: Tough as nails.
Q: Where do hummingbirds like to shop?
A: At Hum Depot.
Q: What's a Jedi's favourite musical instrument?
A: The Luk-ulele.
Q: Why did the goat get kicked out of class?
A: He was kidding around.
Q: Why didn't the young cat get into trouble for telling lies?
A: He was only kitten.
Q: How can you tell if an apple is organic?
A: Look for a healthy worm.
Q: Why did the army official go to into the hospital?
A: For major surgery.
Q: What washes up on small beaches?
A: Micro-waves.
Q: Why did Little Johnny put ice cubes in his Dad's tub?
A: Because he likes cold pop.
Q: What notorious criminal gives bad haircuts?
A: Jack the Snipper.
Q: How does a flea make a cake?
A: From scratch.
Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the courtroom?
A: “Odour in the court!”
Q: What tree owns a chocolate factory?
A: Willow Wonka.
Q: Where do fibbers get their books?
A: At the lie-brary.
Q: What do you call a woman with a sinking ship on her head?
A: Mandy Lifeboats.
Q: Why is it so hard to drive a golf ball?
A: Because it doesn't have a steering wheel.
Q: Who got to the beach first - the big wave or the little wave?
A: In the end, they were tide.
Q: How did the teacher get into an accident?
A: She was grading papers on a curve.
Q: What do you call an archeologist's dog?
A: Digger.
Q: What illness do Chinese chefs fear the most?
A: Woking pneumonia.
Q: What sourpuss watches TV all the time?
A: A grouch potato.
Q: How did the dodo bird do in school?
A: He graduated with extinction.
Q: What is the most famous skunk statue in Egypt?
A: The Stinx.
Q: What pirate got into trouble for not going to school?
A: Captain Hooky.
Q: What tiny kitten writes songs?
A: An itty bitty ditty kitty.
Q: What did the digital clock say to its mother?
A: “Look, Ma - no hands!”
Q: Why did the basketball player snack on cookies and milk?
A: He liked to dunk.
Q: Why are fishermen like mad dogs?
A: They always want a bite.
Q: Why did the duck lose its job?
A: His company was down-sized.
Q: What do you call a joe-k about Atilla?
A: A hun pun.
Q: What do you recommend for a bad case of dandruff?
A: A hat.
Q: What beans do alligators eat for breakfast?
A: Human beans.
Q: How was the carnival?
A: Fair.
Q: Who slept in a traffic jam for 100 years?
A: Beeping Beauty.
Q: What's the heaviest noodle in the world?
A: A won-ton noodle.
Q: What did the art teacher say during the duel?
A: “Draw!”
Q: What do you get if you cross a road without looking?
A: Run over.
Q: How do you make pies sneaky?
A: Add an 's' and turn them into spies.
Q: Why was the ocean so quiet?
A: It didn't have much to spray.
Q: Why do distant stars pass out?
A: They're very faint.
Q: How long should Doctors practice medicine?
A: Until they get it right.
Q: Where were planes first mentioned in the Bible?
A: The plains of Abraham.
Q: Why do bees hum?
A: Because they've forgotten the words.
Q: Why did the pony think it could fly?
A: Because it saw the horsefly.
Q: Who runs the school and is also your best friend?
A: The princi-pal.
Q: What is a golfer's favourite drink?
A: Iced tee.
Q: Why did
Little Johnny take scuba diving lessons online?
A: He wanted to surf the internet.
Q: What vegetable do snakes like?
A: Asp-aragus.
Q: What do you call a very dangerous cake?
A: Atilla the Bun.
Q: What kind of music is painful?
A: Rhythm and bruise.
Q: Where did the camera take his date?
A: To a film.
Q: What person delivers mail for cats?
A: A litter carrier.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a salmon with a tadpole?
A: A frog that swims upstream before it croaks.
Q: What brand of crayon sobs at the drop of a hat?
A: Cry-ola.
Q: What's a choir leader's favourite lunch?
A: A hum sandwich.
Q: When do wolves howl the most?
A: On Moon-day.
Q: How do you make a strawberry shake?
A: Take it to a horror movie.
Q: What paper is most like a sneeze?
A: Tissue.
Q: What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a small person from Middle earth?
A: A hoppit.
Q: Where is the Red Sea?
A: On the third line of Little Johnny's report card.
Q: What do you get when you leave tangerines out in the sun?
A: Orange-u-tans.
Q: Why did the pencil go to the school nurse?
A: It had lead lice.
Q: What do you get if you cross a fish with a soldier?
A: An aquamarine.
Q: How do you cheer on a basketball player?
A: “Hoop, Hoop, Hooray!”
Q: If King Kong were attacked by an army, how would he fight back?
A: With gorilla warfare.
Q: What do you call a sea lion when it claps its flippers?
A: A seal of approval.
Q: Where do you find more in sorrow than in anger?
A: The letter 'R'.
Q: What rat likes to eat dessert?
A: Pie-rats.
Q: What vegetable can be found on a door?
A: Far-lock.
Q: Why did the brush get grounded?
A: Because she didn't comb home by her curfew.
Q: What store has the most agreeable salespeople?
A: O.K.-Mart.
Q: What part of a car gets around the most?
A: The seatbelt.
Q: What did Jack Frost say to Frosty the Snowman?
A: “Have an ice day.”
Q: What does a policeman like on his toast?
A: Traffic jam.
Q: What does a cow wear in Hawaii?
A: A moo-moo.
Q: Who sang and slept for 20 years?
A: Rap Van Winkle.
Q: How do you fire teachers?
A: Tell them they're dismissed.
Q: Why did Little Johnny drink a gallon water before every meal?
A: So he could whet his appetite.
Q: Where in England can you get new body organs?
A: Liverpool.
Q: What bird is the most enthusiastic?
A: The raven.
Q: Name two ranges.
A: Gas and electric.
Q: What award do singing grandmothers get?
A: Grammies.
Q: What is an optometrist's favourite drink?
A: Dr. Peeper.
Q: What did the lonely fog say to the lonely beach?
A: “I mist you.”
Q: What would you be if you crossed a fruit with a dog?
A: Melon-collie.
Q: Where did the Egyptians bury magicians?
A: In disa-pyramids.
Q: How do rappers greet each other in Switzerland?
A: They yo-del.
Q: What cool-sounding food makes your tongue hot?
A: Chili.
Q: What did one volcano say to the other?
A: “I lava you!”
Q: What shark can help you build a house?
A: A hammerhead shark.
Q: Who helped the cow go to the ball?
A: Its dairy godmother.
Q: What do you get when you cross a zebra with the king of the apes?
A: Tarzan stripes forever.
Q: What part of London is in France?
A: The letter 'N'.
Q: How did the leper get into a car accident?
A: He left his foot on the gas pedal.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Q: What do cats give each other on Valentine's Day?
A: Chocolate mouse.
Q: What is a skunk's favourite part of school?
A: Show and smell.
Q: What do you call a spaceman who is invisible?
A: An astro-naught.
Q: What do you call a whale that talks too much?
A: A blubbermouth.
Q: What city cheats at exams?
A: Peking.
Q: Who invented the grandfather clock?
A: Pendulum Franklin.
Q: How much sleep should a person get?
A: At least eight hours of sleep a day, and even more at night.
Q: Which is the strongest day of the week?
A: Sunday because all the others are weak days.
Q: How does a swimmer get to school?
A: In a pool car.
Q: What do you call a gross mallard?
A: A yucky ducky.
Q: Did you hear about the cowboy who fell in the leaves?
A: He was accused of rustling.
Q: What do you call the Loch Ness monster?
A: A lake snake.
Q: What do you call a nun with a radio on her head?
A: A transister.
Q: What's the difference between a man and a running dog?
A: One wears trousers, the other pants.
Q: What do you call a stupid garbage container?
A: A
dubm-ster.
Q: What do you call it when many apes get together?
A: A Kong-vention.
Q: What do you call small change that can't go to the bathroom?
A: Coin-stipated.
Q: Why did the restaurant owner have a tough time getting his website running?
A: He didn't have a good server.
Q: What did one car muffler say to the other car muffler?
A: “I'm exhausted!”
Q: What do you call it when many apes get together?
A: A Kong-vention.
Q: What do you get when you cross a tug boat with Homer's wife?
A: Barge Simpson.
Q: Why did the racecar driver jump into the pool?
A: He wanted to put in a few laps.
Q: What do you call a cat that floats in water?
A: A bobcat.
Q: How can you stop fish going bad on Monday?
A: Eat it on Sunday.
Q: How did the grizzly get lost?
A: It lost its bear-ings.
Q: What's very tall and goes 'tnaig drawkcaba'?
A: A giant talking backwards.
Q: What's the best thing to do when you're run over by a steamroller?
A: Stay flat on your back.
Q: What do you get when you cross a math teacher with a tennis player?
A: A numbers racquet.
Q: What game does an astronaut like to play?
A: Moon-opoly.
Q: What's a lion's favourite US state?
A: Maine.
Q: Why did the sun go black in the middle of the day?
A: It ran out of gas.
Q: What do frogs spread on their toast?
A: Butter-flies.
Q: Why were the football players hot after the Super Bowl game?
A: Because all the fans left.
Q: What do you call stupid flowers that grow in a pond?
A: Water sillies.
Q: What should you name a bald teddy?
A: Fred bear.
Q: What did the small kid say to the big kid?
A: “I've always looked up to you.”
Q: What is the noisiest US state?
A: Illinoise.
Q: What do you call a team of monkeys that wins a big game?
A: Chimp-ions.
Q: Why couldn't the light finish its homework?
A: It was burned out.
Q: What did the fisherman wear when he went fishing?
A: A bait-ing suit.
Q: What happens to cats when they get out of prison?
A: They go on purr-ole.
Q: What do you get when you cross a roller coaster with a rabbit?
A: A lot of hare-pin turns.
Q: What does the number 1004180 mean?
A: I owe nothing, for I ate nothing.
Q: What do you call a crab that gossips?
A: A blabby crabby.
Q: What did the baby corn say to Ma Corn?
A: “Where's Pop Corn?”
Q: What do you get if you cross a tree with a fruit?
A: A pine-apple.
Q: What do you call a group of detectives?
A: A clue crew.
Q: What is a foot's favourite food?
A: Pota-toes.
Q: What do you get when you cross a serpent and a trombone?
A: A snake in the brass.
Q: What do you give a cowboy with a cold?
A: Cough stirrup.
Q: How do sheep go to sleep?
A: They count people.
Q: How can you tell when a train is gone?
A: It leaves its tracks behind.
Q: Why did knights in armor practice a lot?
A: To stop them from getting rusty.
Q: What do you call three oaks that sing together?
A: A tree-o.
Q: Where do you go if you get sick over the rainbow?
A: To the Oz-pital.
Q: What stars go to jail?
A: Shooting stars.
Q: What do you call a sheep with fangs?
A: A lamb-pire.
Q: What sea creature has to have a good reason for doing anything?
A: A porpoise.
Q: What do you call a teacher who eats toffee in class?
A: A chew-tor.
Q: What did Bullwinkle's beautiful sister win?
A: Moose Universe.
Q: What kind of killer uses a spoon?
A: A cereal killer.
Q: What do you call an overweight pumpkin?
A: A plumpkin.
Q: What did the squirrel say to his girlfriend?
A: “I'm nuts about you!”
Q: What did the girl squirrel answer back?
A: “You're nuts so bad yourself.”
Q: What's a plumber's favourite vegetable?
A: Leeks.
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with a telephone?
A: A golden receiver.
Q: How do chickens start a race?
A: From scratch.
Q: What's a nerd's favourite game?
A: Hide 'n Geek.
Q: What do you get when a bunch of grapes tries to cross a highway?
A: A traffic jam.
Q: Why did Little Johnny quit his job at the eraser factory?
A: His work rubbed him the wrong way.
Q: How do cattle stay in shape?
A: They exercise on a steer climber.
Q: What did the frog say when it saw a fly in its soup?
A: “Is that all I get?”
Q: Why was the tuna sad when he lost his wife?
A: He lobster, and then couldn't flounder.
Q: How do you spell “blind pig” with two letters?
A: Pg (without an eye).
Q: What did the monster say after the evil scientist cloned him?
A: Nothing - he was beside himself.
Q: What magazine do cats like to read?
A: Good Mousekeeping.
Q: What do you get when you saw a comedian in two?
A: A half wit.
Q: How do you get off the phone with a closet?
A: You hang up.
Q: What do you call a fat parrot?
A: Roly Polly.
Q: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
A: Don't bite any.
Q: What's a horse's motto?
A: You get what you neigh for.
Q: What books do owls read?
A: Hoot-dunits.
Q: What do you give a dog that loves computers?
A: Doggy diskettes.
Q: Why did the elk buy a set of weights?
A: To help build his moose-els.
Q: A butcher is 6 feet tall. What does he weigh?
A: Meat.
Q: What disease do cows get?
A: Moo-laria.
Q: Why didn't the man buy an electric toothbrush?
A: Because he didn't have any electric teeth.
Q: What did the tree deposit in the bank?
A: Its leaf savings.
Q: Why did the mad chef throw the chicken off the balcony?
A: Because he wanted to make egg drop soup.
Q: What did the vampire clerk shout to the people in the checkout line?
A: “Okay, whose necks?”
Q: Why are bakers' kids so bored?
A: Because they have muffin to do.
Q: What do joggers say when they leave you?
A: “So long - gotta run.”
Q: What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A: A zebra.
Q: Where do giant condors come from?
A: Eggs.
Q: What does a cat go to sleep on?
A: A catterpillow.
Q: What's a pig's favourite relative?
A: Its oinkle.
Q: Who makes a fish's dreams come true?
A: The fairy cod-mother.
Q: What did Aesop watch for entertainment?
A: Fable TV.
Q: Where do sick horses go?
A: To a horspital.
Q: Which branch of the service do werewolves join?
A: The Hair Force.
Q: How do you see King Arthur after it gets dark?
A: With a Knight light.
Q: Which nasty bug is a famous pirate?
A: Long John Silverfish.
Q: What's a dog's favourite soup?
A: Chicken poodle.
Q: What did the shirt say to the pants?
A: “Meet me at the clothesline - that's where I hang out.”
Q: Why did the the river bend?
A: Because it saw the waterfall.
Q: What kind of shot do you give a sick car?
A: A fuel injection.
Q: What do frogs do with paper?
A: Rip-it.
Q: What type of wiener do you eat in winter?
A: A cold dog.
Q: Why did the owl make everyone laugh?
A: Because he was a hoot.
Q: What do you get if you cross a jaguar and an elephant?
A: A sports car with a big trunk.
Q: What happens when a boy goat meets a girl goat?
A: It's the start of a butting romance.
Q: If you have trouble sleeping at night what should you do?
A: Sleep during the day.
Q: What does a reptile wear on its feet?
A: Snakers.
Q: What's a matador's favourite sport?
A: Basketbull.
Q: What instrument can you play even if you can't play music?
A: You can always blow your own horn.
Q: What did one shoelace say to the other shoelace?
A: “That's knot mine.”
Q: How do you make fruit punch?
A: Give it boxing lessons.
Q: Why did the angel lose his job?
A: He had harp failure.
Q: Who swings from cake to cake?
A: Tarzipan.
Q: What do you call a leopard that never takes a bath?
A: The Stink Panther.
Q: What did one bicycle wheel say to the other?
A: “Was it you who spoke?”
Q: What time is it when a Chinese man visits the dentist?
A: Tooth hurty.
Q: What kind of story does a gravedigger like?
A: One with a cemetery plot.
Q: What are baby crabs called?
A: Nippers.
Q: What colourful clown appears in the sky after a storm?
A: Rainbozo.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowboard with an axe?
A: The splits.
Q: Why did the candy factory hire the farmer's daughter?
A: They needed someone to milk chocolates.
Q: How many ears do Trekkies have?
A: Three: a left ear, a right ear, and the final frontier.
Q: What do you get when you cross a rocket ship with a potato?
A: Spudnik.
Q: What do you call an expert at fixing doorbells?
A: The Lord of the Rings.
Q: What do you call twin brothers with GPS units on their heads?
A: Tom, Tom.
Q: What is the last thing a trapeze flyer wants to be?
A: The fall guy.
Q: What do you call a dead tractor collector?
A: An ex-tractor fan.
Q: How does a guinea pig get up to the second floor?
A: It uses the ham-stairs.
Q: Where do eagles do most of their shopping?
A: At the swooper market.
Q: What dish is out of this world?
A: A flying saucer.
Q: What is a private eye's favourite subject?
A: Spience.
Q: How do you make mice smell nice?
A: Use mousewash.
Q: What do you call a fast tricycle?
A: A tot rod.
Q: What game do horses play?
A: Stable tennis.
Q: What got the wall in trouble?
A: Being plastered.
Q: What do you get when you cross a squid and a pig?
A: An oinktopus.
Q: What did the newspaper reporter say to defend his strong views?
A: “Hey, I column as I sees 'em!”
Q: What's a caterpillar?
A: A worm that's rich enough to buy a fur coat.
Q: Where do they send homeless dogs?
A: To an arf-anage.
Q: Why did Little Johnny blow into a bunch of faucets?
A: He was trying to play taps.
Q: Which composer can't you find?
A: Haydn.
Q: How do you get two fruits to dance?
A: You pear them up.
Q: Why did Little Johnny bury his boom box?
A: Because the batteries were dead.
Q: What do you call the explorer who was caught and eaten by cannibals?
A: Captain Cooked.
Q: Where does a snowman put his birthday candles?
A: On his birthday flake.
Q: Why did the blonde put bandages on her bedroom window?
A: She was told the window had pains.
Q: How do you know that you're at the top of your class?
A: When you're climbing rope in phys ed.
Q: Which super-cool spy cleans up after a snowstorm?
A: Austin Plowers.
Q: What's the best way to paint the ocean?
A: In watercolours.
Q: How do shells get to the beach?
A: They take the shellevator.
Q: What do you call a Doctor who works on the highway?
A: A by-pass specialist.
Q: What happened when Peter Rabbit was chased out of Mr. McGregor's garden?
A: He didn't carrot all.
Q: What country makes you shiver?
A: Chile.
Q: How do sheep finish their letters?
A: “Ewes sincerely.”
Q: Did you hear about the slow composer?
A: He ended up behind bars.
Q: What tree is always sad?
A: The weeping willow.
Q: What is round, sad, and lives in your car trunk?
A: De-spair tire.
Q: What kind of trains do ballerinas take?
A: Tutu trains.
Q: What happened to Ray when he jumped off the Eiffel Tower?
A: He's now called X-Ray.
Q: What duet do butchers play on the piano?
A: Chop-steaks.
Q: What's the last letter in the dictionary?
A: No - not Z: dictionary ends in 'Y'.
Q: What is the rudest bird?
A: The mockingbird.
Q: What did the scientist say when he found a 300-year-old sausage?
A: “I found the missing link!”
Q: What do you get when scientists put the genes of a philosopher in a potato?
A: A potato that says, “I think, therefore I yam.”
Q: What do you name a dog with a receding hairline?
A: Bald Spot spot.
Q: Who leads a duck orchestra?
A: The con-duck-tor.
Q: Where do they serve snacks to football players?
A: At the Soup-er Bowl.
Q: What's white and goes up?
A: A
dubm snowflake.
Q: What do you get when you put a bird in the freezer?
A: A brrrrrrrrrrrrd.
Q: What happened to the boatload of shoes that sunk in the Pacific Ocean?
A: 400 soles were lost at sea.
Q: What does a computer call its mother and father?
A: Mama and data.
Q: Why did the load of laundry quit its job?
A: Its career was all washed up.
Q: What's the difference between a professional violinist and a person who goes to hear him?
A: One plays for his pay, and the other pays for his play.
Q: Where's the best place to see a man-eating fish?
A: In a seafood restaurant.
Q: Where did the three little pigs get money to build their houses?
A: From a piggy bank.
Q: What do you get if you cross a vegetable with a cell phone?
A: Call-a-flower.
Q: What is a pig's favourite kind of comedy?
A: Slopstick.
Q: What do you call a dancing sheep?
A: A baaaa-llerina.
Q: How do you rearrange the letters in the words “new door” to make one word?
A: “one word”
Q: How do you buy a chessboard in Australia?
A: By check, mate.
Q: In Little Rock, Arkansas, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
A: You have to take a picture of a man with a camera, not with a wooden leg.
Q: Why are 1980 American dollar bills worth more than 1979 American dollar bills?
A: One thousand nine hundred and eighty dollar bills are worth one dollar more
than one thousand nine hundred and seventy-nine dollar bills.
Q: Even if they are starving, natives living in the Arctic will never eat a penguin's egg. Why not?
A: Penguins live in the Antarctic.
Q: Which two letters describe a slippery sidewalk?
A: I C.
Q: What did one Canadian watch say to another?
A: “Hours it going, eh?”
Q: What is the earliest known fruit?
A: Adam's apple.
Q: Where do planets go to school?
A: At the univers-ity.
Q: What tree can't you climb?
A: A lavatory.
Q: What do you call people who watch other people diet?
A: Weight Watchers.
Q: What do joe-ks (as in 'jokes') and pencils have in common?
A: They're no good without a point.
Q: Why don't traffic lights go swimming?
A: They take forever to change.
Q: What do sweet potatoes do when they play together?
A: They have yam sessions.
Q: What kind of bird is like a letter?
A: A jaybird.
Q: Are you crazy if you talk to yourself?
A: Only if you listen to yourself.
Q: What hero delivers meals to your house?
A: Supperman.
Q: How does the sea greet the sand?
A: It waves.
Q: Why shouldn't you tell a joe-k when you're ice skating?
A: Because the ice might crack up.
Q: What do you call a cat who plays the trumpet?
A: Puss 'n toots.
Q: What Doctor treats his patients like animals?
A: A vet.
Q: Which composer do knights like the most?
A: Moat-zart.
Q: What kind of motorbike can cook eggs?
A: A scrambler.
Q: Why wouldn't the canary pay for his date's dinner?
A: He was too cheep.
Q: How do lizards climb mountains?
A: They scale them.
Q: What do you get if you cross a comedian and a warm roll?
A: Hot cross puns.
Q: How did Webster invent the dictionary?
A: He got into an argument and one word led to another.
Q: What dessert is cold and rings?
A: An ice cream phone.
Q: How do you stop a skunk smelling?
A: Hold its nose.
Q: What table has no legs?
A: A times table.
Q: Where did Noah keep his pinball machine?
A: In the Ark-ade.
Q: What kind of pizza do they serve at the bottom of the ocean?
A: Deep dish.
Q: What's the Roadrunner's motto?
A: Look before you beep.
Q: What would you get if you crossed an angry dog and a lobster?
A: A Doberman Pinch-er.
Q: What are the odds of something weird happening at 12:50?
A: Ten-to-one.
Q: What did King Tut get for his birthday?
A: Gift wrap.
Q: Why was the clock in prison?
A: It was doing time.
Q: What did the leopard say after he finished his lunch?
A: “Mm-mm-mm! That hit the right spot!”
Q: What animal makes the most of its food?
A: A giraffe - it makes a little go a long way.
Q: What kind of boat is like a knife?
A: A cutter.
Q: How do sheep keep warm in winter?
A: Central bleating.
Q: What race did Seabiscuit win?
A: The fishing derby.
Q: How does Moby Dick like its steak cooked?
A: Whale done.
Q: What do you get when you cross an ocean with a rabbit?
A: Wavy hare.
Q: What store sells great clothes for trendy dogs?
A: Abercrombie & Fetch.
Q: Why were the stockings hung by the chimney with care?
A: Because he'd worn them for months and they needed the air.
Q: What does a polite mink say?
A:“Thank you furry much.”
Q: Why did they put the acrobat in a sanatorium?
A: Because he flipped out.
Q: Why are giraffes slow to apologize?
A: It takes a long time for them to swallow their pride.
Q: What does a pack of canines have in common with Mozart?
A: They're both wolf gangs.
Q: What are Van Winkle trousers?
A: Pants with a rip.
Q: Why are mountain climbers curious?
A: They always want to take another peak (peek).
Q: Where is the best place to find a donkey on the internet?
A: @ eBray.
Q: What fish is man's best friend?
A: The dogfish.
Q: How does a mailman stop a fire?
A: He stamps it out.
Q: What's a shark's favourite flavour of ice cream?
A: Sharkolate.
Q: Why did the farmer plant sugar cubes?
A: He wanted to raise cane.
Q: What do you call a nutty crocodile?
A: A cuckoo croc.
Q: What's a Dentist's favourite game?
A: Tooth or consequences.
Q: What did the prisoner say when he was put on the rack?
A: “Looks like I'll be here for a long stretch.”
Q: What code name did they give to the spy who chewed gum?
A: Bubble-oh-seven.
Q: What animal makes a buzzing noise and likes chewing wood?
A: A bee-ver.
Q: What did the librarian use for bait?
A: A bookworm.
Q: Where do frogs hang up their coats?
A: In the croak room.
Q: What might you win if you lose 150 pounds?
A: The Nobelly Prize.
Q: What do you get if you walk under a cow?
A: A pat on the head.
Q: How do you fire lumberjacks?
A: Give them the axe.
Q: Why can't an eel ever win an argument?
A: It doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Q: How does secret cat agent 007 like his cream?
A: Shaken, not purred.
Q: Why did the King have to move to an uglier castle?
A: Because he got de-moat-ed.
Q: How did the magician make the blackboard disappear?
A: Slate of hand.
Q: What do many composers suffer from?
A: Bach aches.
Q: What did the mama lima bean say to the baby lima bean?
A:“Have you bean good?”
Q: Who has huge antlers and wears white gloves?
A: Mickey Moose.
Q: What did the sign say above the hobbit's hole?
A: Gnome sweet Gnome!
Q: What did the sausage say as it was about to be put on a skewer?
A: “Oh spear me, spear me!”
Q: What's a snake's favourite opera?
A: Wriggl-eto.
Q: What newspaper do cattle read?
A: The Daily Moos.
Q: How do you get a book to come to the telephone?
A: You page it.
Q: What game can you play while the earth is shaking?
A: Quakes and ladders.
Q: What kind of music do you hear when you throw a pebble into a lake?
A: Plunk rock.
Q: How do you get into a skate park for free?
A: Use a boarding pass.
Q: What instrument boils hot water when you play it?
A: The kettle drum.
Q: Why are farmers cruel?
A: Because they pull the ears off corn.
Q: What kind of party do prisoners like best?
A: A going-away party.
Q: Why was the vampire thin?
A: He ate necks to nothing.
Q: What did the radio announcer say when the owl scored a goal?
A: “He hoots, he scores!”
Q: What is a number's favourite sport?
A: Ten-is.
Q: Which planet is the most musical?
A: Nep-tune.
Q: When was beef at its highest?
A: When the cow jumped over the moon.
Q: What kind of star is Little Johnny?
A: The kind that's not very bright.
Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken and a dog?
A: Pooched eggs.
Q: Where do king crabs live?
A: In sand castles.
Q: Why aren't vampires welcome at the bloodmobile?
A: Because they only want to make withdrawals.
Q: What's a tired kangaroo?
A: Out of bounds.
Q: What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?
A: A may-bee.
Q: Who tells people where to get off and gets away with it?
A: A bus driver.
Q: What do aliens eat for lunch?
A: Mars bars.
Q: Why wouldn't mother let the Doctor operate on father?
A: Because she didn't want anybody else to open her male.
Q: Why did the sponge quit his job?
A: His career was all dried up.
Q: Which rabbit is a sorcerer?
A: Hare E. Potter.
Q: What's the hardest thing about learning to ride a horse?
A: The ground.
Q: What do you get when you cross a sink with a bugle?
A: Taps.
Q: What bright bug is difficult to handle?
A: A three-alarm firefly.
Q: How do you get rid of a spotted dog?
A: Use a spot remover.
Q: Why did the cross-country skier wear only one boot?
A: He was told the snow was one foot deep.
Q: What do you call a disguise worn by an elk?
A: A false moosetache.
Q: Why can't horses agree on new rules?
A: They always vote neigh.
Q: What do you call it when a dog gets her nails done?
A: A paw-dicure.
Q: What's a vampire's favourite game?
A: Follow the bleeder.
Q: Why should you never go to a horse for change?
A: They only use horse cents.
Q: How do you know when your cat's been on the internet?
A: Your mouse has teeth marks.
Q: Why did the Doctor go to work for the telephone company?
A: He wanted to be an operator.
Q: What kind of insects live on the moon?
A: Lunar-ticks.
Q: Do rabbits use combs?
A: No, they use hare brushes.
Q: What U.S. state never has a kind word to say about anyone?
A: Rude Island.
Q: What name do you give to a selfish girl?
A: Mimi.
Q: How do bees get to school?
A: They wait at the buzz stop.
Q: What prison did they send the canary to?
A: Sing Sing.
Q: Why did the hockey player bring rope to the hockey game?
A: He wanted to tie the score.
Q: What happened when the pelican stuck his head into the wall socket?
A: He got an electric bill.
Q: What should you do if you think you're a goldfish?
A: Take a tank-quilizer.
Q: What song was played when the cookie got married?
A: “Here Crumbs the Bride.”
Q: What always follows a wolf when it travels?
A: Its tail.
Q: What 2 words do you use to scold an elephant?
A: “Tusk! Tusk!”
Q: Why did the balloon burst?
A: Because it saw the lollipop.
Q: What can you find in the Great Wall of China that the Chinese never put there?
A: Cracks.
Q: When does a chair dislike you?
A: When it can't bear you.
Q: Where do you gas up a horse?
A: At a filly station.
Q: What desert animal hops around with a suitcase?
A: A pack-rabbit.
Q: What did the fish say when it was caught on the hook?
A: “I thought I knew all the angles.”
Q: Why is Little Johnny a promising singer?
A: He should promise to stop singing.
Q: What U.S. state is the cleanest?
A: Wash-ington (Wash.)
Q: How do Martian cowboys signal each other?
A: With communication saddle lights.
Q: What do you call alphabet soup that has only numbers in it?
A: Stewdoku
Q: How do angels fly?
A: Angels fly because they take themselves lightly.
Q: Which part of a boat is the grouchiest?
A: The stern
Q: What do you call a series of books about two laughing brothers who solve mysteries?
A: The Hardy-Har-Har Boys.
Q: What is a soda machine's favourite dance?
A: The can-can
What happens to a poisonous snake if it bites its own tongue?
Q: What do Eskimos eat for breakfast?
A: Ice Krispies
Q: What do you get when you cross a cat with a stove?
A: A self-cleaning oven.
Q: What language do chimpanzees speak?
A: Chimpanese.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a horse with the house next door?
A: A nei-ei-ei-ghbour.
Q: Name five members of the cat family.
A: Mother cat, father cat, and three kittens.
Q: What would you get if Batman and Robin were run over by stampeding cattle?
A: Flatman and Ribbon.
Q: What's yellow, fuzzy, and too tired to eat honey?
A: Winnie the Pooped.
Q: What do you call a chicken who likes to use a computer?
A: A technical fowl
Q: Where are the Great Plains?
A: At the great airports.
Q: What gives milk and has one horn?
A: A milk truck.
Q: What do trees use to take notes at school?
A: Loose leafs.
Q: Why is the bathtub's nickname 'Rosie'?
A: Because every time it gets used, it gets a ring around Rosie
Q: Did you hear about the dentist who became a brain surgeon?
A: His drill slipped.
Q: What game do parrots play?
A: Hide and speak.
Q: What do you call a King snake?
A: Hiss Majesty.
Q: Why did the fisherman keep catching drapes?
A: He was using a curtain rod
Q: What's it called when a feline basketball star misses the hoop?
A: A hair ball.
Q: Why didn't the cashier get the punch line?
A: It didn't register.
Q: What grows between your nose and chin?
A: Tulips
Q: Where does satisfaction come from?
A: From a satisfactory
Q: Who is never hungry at Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey - he's always stuffed.
Q: How many apples grow on trees?
A: All of them
Q: How do locomotives hear?
A: Through their engineers
Q: When is it dangerous to play cards in the jungle?
A: When the Joker's wild
Q: Little Johnny rides his stallion in the morning and his pony in the afternoon. What does he ride in the evening?
A: His nightmare
Q: What do you get when you cross poison ivy with french fries?
A: Rashed potatoes.
Q: What does a banana do when it sees a gorilla?
A: The banana splits
Q: How do you say goodbye to a horse?
A: “I've got to whoa now.”
Q: What Star Wars character is always taking the long route?
A: R2 Detour
Q: What do you get if you cross a vampire with Joe the plumber?
A: A blood bath.
Q: What did the King and Queen of hearts do on their daughter's birthday?
A: They sent her a card
Q: What would you get if you crossed a homing pigeon with a parrot?
A: A bird that asks the way home if it gets lost.
Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?
A: “I'm not shore.”
Q: Why did Little Johnny put ice cubes in his aunt's bed?
A: He wanted to make antifreeze.
Q: What does a waiter do at the beach?
A: He surfs food
Q: Why did the salmon cross the road?
A: Just for the halibut
Q: How do chickens stay in shape?
A: They eggsercise
Q: What did the man say when he found that he was growing bald?
A: “Hair today, gone tomorrow!”
Q: What do you call someone who sits around blowing into a shell?
A: A conch potato.
Q: Why shouldn't a mathematician go surfing in shark-infested waters?
A: Because he'd add four and four and get ate.
Q: What do you call the place where parrots make films?
A: Pollywood
Q: Did you hear about the CEO who loved surfing?
A: He took his board to the beach.
Q: How do trees like their ice cream served?
A: In a pine cone
Q: What kind of TV programs do ducks watch?
A: Duckumentaries
Q: What do you call a brontosaurus who gets angry when he doesn't win?
A: A saur loser.
Q: What is the most expensive dog?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: What is a woodpecker's favourite kind of joe-k?
A: A
knock-knock joe-k
Q: What would you get if you crossed a skunk and an eagle?
A: An animal that stunk to high heaven
Q: On which side does a fish have the most scales?
A: On the outside
Q: What's the difference between the sun and a loaf of bread?
A: One rises from the East and the other from the yeast
Q: Why should you be nice to moss?
A: For peat's sake.
Q: What do you call a man who's been buried for thousands of years?
A: Pete
Q: What gift would you give a turtle?
A: A shellular phone
Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and a grizzly?
A: A bearacuda
Q: Why is a scrambled egg like a losing baseball team?
A: Both are beaten.
Q: What's the best thing about working at a hot air balloon company?
A: You get a raise every day.
Q: Why did Little Johnny put his watch on a scale?
A: To see if it was gaining or losing time.
Q: What's the best season for skydiving?
A: Fall
Q: Why don't school children know about the Iron Age?
A: They're rusty on that subject
Q: Why does it take so long to make a politician snowman?
A: You have to hollow out the head first.
Q: Why was the spacecraft reading the horoscopes?
A: It was a Gemini
Q: How can you tell Madonna buys her clothes on sale?
A: Because they are always half-off
Q: Why did the dog see the Doctor?
A: Because a stitch in time saves canine.
Q: Why shouldn't you have faith in your Doctor?
A: All his patients are ill.
Q: What does a veterinarian keep outside his front door?
A: A welcome mutt
Q: Why are bank tellers boring at parties?
A: They act very withdrawn.
Q: What is a baker's favourite dance?
A: The twist
Q: Why did the cabinet go to the Psychiatrist?
A: It kept talking to its shelf
Q: Who has eight guns and terrorizes the ocean?
A: Billy the Squid.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who put Band-Aids in the refrigerator?
A: He wanted to have cold cuts
Q: What caused a riot in the Post Office?
A: A stamp-ede.
Q: What do cows use for money?
A: Moola.
Q: What kind of computer mail do mice exchange?
A: Eek-mail.
Q: What do you call a 300-pound football player with a short temper?
A: “Sir.”
Q: When is a shoemaker like a Doctor?
A: When he is heeling.
Q: What keeps food dangerously cold?
A: A refriger-gator
Q: What do you call a football player who keeps giving up?
A: A quitter-back
Q: Who hasn't done his ironing in years?
A: Wrinkle Stilskin
Q: What did the Japanese tourist wear in Alaska?
A: An Eskimono
Q: How do astronauts take their kids to school?
A: In space station wagons.
Q: What do you get when you cross death and a pager?
A: The Grim Beeper
Q: What's the best way to ship a baseball hitter?
A: Put him in a batter's box and take him to the Post Office.
Q: What do you get when you cross a wolf and a rooster?
A: An animal that howls when the sun rises.
Q: What did the book say to the librarian?
A: “Can I take you out?”
Q: What happened to the cat that drank 60 saucers of milk?
A: It got a lap record
Q: Name ten African animals in three seconds?
A: Nine lions and a zebra
Q: What does a match do when it loses its temper?
A: It flares up
Q: What do frogs do when they play baseball?
A: Catch flies
Q: Where do finger puppets get their outfits?
A: They're all hand-me-downs.
Q: What are the six main seasons?
A: Fall, Winter, Spring, Summer, salt and pepper.
Q: What's the best way to count a herd of cattle?
A: Use a cow-culator.
Q: What's soft, yellow and scary?
A: Winnie the Boo.
Q: Which American state is the best for driving?
A: Rhode Island
Q: Why did Russian spies once wear mittens?
A: Because they were in the Cold War.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who baked a firecracker into his pancakes?
A: He blew his stack.
Q: What pink stomach medicine do farmers give to sick chicks?
A: Peep-to-Bismol.
Q: What's the difference between a coyote and a flea?
A: One howls on the prairie and the other prowls on the hairy.
Q: Where did George Washington buy his hatchet?
A: At a chopping mall.
Q: What do you put on a chili dog?
A: A sweater.
Q: How do rabbits toast each other?
A: “Hare's to you!”
Q: When does poison ivy get caught in traffic?
A: During rash hour.
Q: What's the difference between ammonia and pneumonia?
A: Ammnoia comes in bottles; pneumonia comes in chests.
Q: What kind of music do you play for an ant farm?
A: The Beatles
Q: Where do you keep your shorts when you travel?
A: In your briefcase.
Q: Why did the raisin go out with the prune?
A: Because she couldn't find a date.
Q: Which letters of the alphabet have wings?
A: Bs and Js.
Q: Why did the Queen draw straight lines?
A: Because she was the ruler.
Q: How did Mary's little lamb get to Mars?
A: By rocket sheep.
Q: Are shellfish warm?
A: No, they're clammy.
Q: What do you call an aging tailor?
A: An old sew-and-sew
Q: What did the knife say to the pencil?
A: “ Be sharp.>”
Q: Where do baseball players always strike out?
A: At the Umpire State Building.
Q: What did the prisoner say to the judge?
A: “Pardon me.”
Q: What's wrong with discovering an invisible universe?
A: You can't see it.
Q: What is a bee's favourite song?
A: Stinging in the Rain.
Q: How do you send a soda through the mail?
A: By thirst class
Q: Why did the ocean take the afternoon off?
A: He wanted to play gulf.
Q: What lottery did the broom win?
A: The sweepstakes.
Q: What kind of seal does housework?
A: The Good Housekeeping Seal
Q: How to angelfish greet each other?
A: “Halo!”
Q: What did one ball of twine say to the other ball of twine?
A: “Stop stringing me along!”
Q: What would you get if you crossed an Egyptian queen with a kids' game?
A: Cleo-patty Cake.
Q: What lumber do you use to build castles in the air?
A: Sunbeams
Q: Why don't fish watch TV?
A: They don't want to get hooked on it.
Q: Why don't bananas snore?
A: They don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Q: What's the best thing to put in a pie?
A: Your teeth.
Q: What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
A: Snow and Tell.
Q: What did the mother rope say to her child?
A: “Don't be knotty.”
Q: Why did the fish stay home from school?
A: He was feeling a little under the water.
Q: What is a bullfrog's favourite game?
A: Croquet
Q: What does a hard disk do when it needs a break?
A: It goes for a C: drive.
Q: Why did everyone find the baker funny?
A: He had a rye sense of humour
Q: Why did the microprocessor always write form letters?
A: It was an impersonal computer.
Q: Why did the engineer leave locomotive school?
A: He felt he already had enough training.
Q: Do lumberjacks have to log on at work?
Q: Why are perfume salespeople so smart?
A: They have good scents.
Q: What do you get when you cross a comedian with crochet?
A: A knit wit.
Q: How hard is it to get a job as a sword-swallower?
A: There's cutthroat competition.
Q: What did the snake say when the lizard asked it for the time?
A: “Don't asp me.”
Q: What do you call a tuba quartet that plays at construction sites?
A: Tuba Four.
Q: What is a marathon runner's motto?
A: He who hesitates is last.
Q: Should a surfer swim on a full stomach?
A: No, he should swim on the ocean.
Q: What kind of socks do firefighters wear?
A: Fire hose.
Q: What's a magician's favourite nursery rhyme?
A: Trickery, dickory, dock.
Q: What is a canary's favourite snack?
A: Potato chirps.
Q: What do you call a king's sore throat?
A: A royal pain in the neck.
Q: When they win a hockey game, what do the Phoenix Coyotes give their opponents?
A: Crying T'howls.
Q: What do you call a greasy pachyderm?
A: An oily-phant.
Q: What reptile can you find in a clogged drain?
A: A plumber's snake.
Q: What did Cinderella's pet seal wear to the ball?
A: A glass flipper.
Q: Why did the blue jay get a perm?
A: Because the curly bird catches the worm.
Q: Where do cats invest their money?
A: In the stalk market.
Q: How did the robber get caught at the art gallery?
A: He was framed.
Q: Why did the disk drive become a professional goalie?
A: It kept making great saves.
Q:
What do you call a woman with a sheep on her head?
A: Baa-baa-rah.
Q: Why do dragons sleep all day?
A: So they can fly knights.
Q: What type of books do baby deer enjoy?
A: Fawntasies
Q: Did you hear about the skunk who made big donations to the Church?
A: It was given its own pew.
Q: During which school period do cars get put together?
A: Assembly.
Q: What music do wasps and yellowjackets listen to?
A: Bee-thoven.
Q: Did you hear the one about the woman who discovered the secret to eternal youth?
A: She lies about her age.
Q: Why couldn't the bell keep a secret?
A: It always toiled.
Q: What do you call stolen candy?
A: Hot chocolate.
Q: Do cats get angry?
A: Yes, they get fur-ious.
Q: What resource do fish use for school reports?
A: The fin-ternet.
Q: Where do you keep a professional pet fish?
A: In a goldfish pro bowl.
Q: Does a roller coaster like its work?
A: It has its ups and downs.
Q: What did the baker think of the funny joe-k?
A: He got a rise out of it.
Q: Where do wolves go to become stars?
A: Howliewood
Q: Did you hear about the ice that lost its job?
A: It was crushed.
Q: What do you get if you cross a fishing rod with Batman?
A: >A reel superhero.
Q: How can you recognize a dogwood tree?
A: By its bark.
Q: Why didn't the girl mouse like the boy mouse?
A: They just didn't click.
Q: Why did the young woman take the job at the glue factory?
A: It was fast paste.
Q: What did the milkmaid say to the anxious butter?
A: “You'll have to wait your churn.”
Q: What happened to the rhubarb thief?
A: He was taken into custardy.
Q: What kind of dance do buns do?
A: Abundance.
Q: What trees do ghouls like best?
A: Ceme-trees.
Q: Why did Harry Potter attach a camcorder to his Nimbus 2000?
A: He wanted a broom with a view.
Q: What four letters of the alphabet mean it's time to go to the dentist?
A: ICDK.
Q: What is a tie's favourite Shakespearean quote?
A: “To be or knot to be.”
Q: Why did the diver wash the reef?
A: He was practicing good coral hygiene.
Q: What do you call a mosquito riding on your arm?
A: An itch-hiker.
Q: What's big and gray and lives underwater?
A: An eelephant.
Q: What do you call a man who laughs at his boss's joe-ks?
A: A man who might not have a sense of humour, but sure has a sense of direction.
Q: What comes in a tupperware container and rings bells in a French cathedral?
A: The lunchpack of Notre Dame.
Q: How do you kiss a hockey player?
A: You pucker up.
Q: What do you give an injured lemon?
A: Lemonaid.
Q: What exam does an exterminator have to take?
A: A pest test.
Q: What does a hungry modem snack on?
A: Microchips.
Q: What do you call a 100-year-old cheerleader?
A: Old Yeller.
Q: Who are the cleanest opera singers?
A: Soap-ranos.
Q: How did the tractor get his son a job on the farm?
A: He had some pull.
Q: How can you tell when a cat has been using your computer?
A: The mouse pad is all chewed up
Q: What pen does a baby write with?
A: A play pen.
Q: What do you say to introduce a hamburger?
A: “Meat Patty.”
Q: What is a sailor's favourite sandwich?
A: A sub.
Q: What is a pirate's favourite fast food?
A: Pizzas of eight
Q: What do you call a teacher who makes numbers disappear?
A: A
mathemagician.
Q: What does the Invisible Man call his mother and father?
A: His transparents.
Q: What do spiders eat with their burgers?
A: French flies.
Q: What do the Green Giant's hens lay?
A: Eggplants.
Q: Where is Timbuktu?
A: Between Timbuk-one and Timbuk-three.
Q: Which sports channel does a poultry farmer watch?
A: ESP-Hen.
Q: What's a good name for a foot?
A: Arch-ie.
Q: What do you call a croissant on roller skates?
A: Breakfast to go.
Q: Who looks through your window and never wants to grow up?
A: Peeper Pan.
Q: How do you find King Arthur in the dark?
A: With a knight light.
Q: Why did Little Johnny chase the stinging fish?
A: He wanted to catch some rays.
Q: Where do you leave your dog when you go shopping?
A: In the barking lot.
Q: What's the difference between one yard and two yards?
A: Usually a fence.
Q: Where does a squid sleep when he camps?
A: In a tentacle.
Q: If you found a $20 bill in every pocket of your coat, what would you have?
A: Someone else's coat.
Q: Why did the stag wear braces?
A: He had buck teeth.
Q: Which animal won the basketball game?
A: The porcupine because it had the most points.
Q: What fruit kept best in Noah's ark?
A: The preserved pears (pairs).
Q: What breakfast cereal would you get if you crossed a cow with a baby's diaper?
A: Cream of Wet.
Q: What did one potato chip say to the other?
A: “Want to go for a dip?”
Q: What do you get when you cross a shellfish and a rabbit?
A: The Oyster Bunny.
Q: What does an astronaut do when he gets angry?
A: He blasts off.
Q: What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?
A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Q: What do underwater police drive?
A: Squid cars.
Q: How do you get a cow out of the way?
A: Just say, “Moo-ve.”
Q: Where do baby monsters go when their parents are at work?
A: Day-scare centers.
Q: Where did the Joe-kster wind up for stealing shellfish?
A: Small clams court.
Q: What has more letters than the alphabet?
A: The Post Office.
Q: Why did the girl go to sea?
A: She wanted to meet some buoys.
Q: What smells and shoots at people?
A: A septic tank.
Q: Why are hogs like trees?
A: They both root for a living.
Q: Why wasn't the Tsar of Russia good to play chess with?
A: Because he was a Tsar loser.
Q: How is the internet like an overgrown yard?
A: You have to modem both.
Q: Why are camels hard to see in the desert?
A: Because they are camel-flaged.
Q: How did the wave feel about hitting the beach?
A: He was fit to be tide.
Q: Why did the spy spray his room with insect repellant?
A: Because he thought it was bugged.
Did you hear about the guy who named his car Flattery because it got him nowhere?
Q: Why didn't the lightning bolt go to the storm?
A: Because it was on strike.
Q: Why were the bees on strike?
A: They wanted shorter flowers and more honey.
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: Because it's easier than walking.
Q: Why don't you ever see dandruff on a man wearing a toupee?
A: Because he sweeps it under the rug.
Q: How does a banker start every bedtime story?
A: “Once upon a dime...”
Q: How did the patient get to the hospital so fast?
A: He flu.
Q: Why did the cranberry turn red?
A: It saw the turkey dressing.
Q: What happened to the guy who got his head stuck in a washing machine?
A: He got brainwashed.
Q: What is a haunted wigwam?
A: A creepy teepee.
Q: What's an astronaut's favourite drink?
A: Gravi-tea.
Q: What goes Mooooooz?
A: A jet flying backward.
Q: Which sea will make you go ape?
A: The Chimpansea.
Q: Why did the green ogre go to the psychiatrist?
A: He was a nervous Shrek.
Q: Why was the centipede late for school?
A: He was playing “This Little Piggy” with his sister.
Q: What are goose bumps for?
A: To keep geese from speeding.
Q: How did the giant's wife know that Jack was coming?
A: She could hear Hack and the beans talk.
Q: What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A: A bear-faced lyre.
Q: What girl can catch jellyfish with her hair?
A: A bru-net.
Q: What did the girl calendar say to the other girl calendar?
>A: “I have more dates than you do.”
Q: Why is football popular on Venus?
A: Because all the houses have Astroturf on their front lawns.
Q: Why did the stringray speak to the diver?
A: He wanted to have a manta-man talk.
Q: What Asian food recipe calls for both poultry and a grinch?
A: Chicken lo Mean.
Q: Why are there no zebras in Scotland?
A: Because stripes clash with plaids.
Q: What did the pitcher say to the cup?
A: “I'll have none of your lip.”
Q: What does a dentist to a hockey team specialize in?
A: Puck teeth.
Q: What's the difference between an elbow and a rabbit's telephone?
A: One's a funny bone, and the other is a bunny's phone.
Q: Why did the ocean flood the stadium?
A: It was doing the wave.
Q: How does a comedian like his eggs?
A: Funny side up.
Q: Why didn't the computer pass its driving test?
A: It crashed too often.
Q: Why did the elephant go to the locksmith?
A: To have his trunk opened.
Q: Why is monastery food so greasy?
A: It's all cooked by friars.
Q: What kind of nuts does a banker like the best?
A: Cash-ews.
Q: What's an important aid in good grooming for pet mice?
A: Mouse wash.
Q: What do you get when you cross a dog and a lion?
A: A terrified postman.
Q: Did you hear about the computer with the corrupt hard disk?
A: Its backup was worse than its byte.
Q: What do you call a German in a motorcycle hat?
A: Helmut.
Q: What kind of ocean bird can't fly, can't swim, and can't catch fish?
A: A peli-can't.
Q: What sport do turkey chefs play?
A: Baste-ball.
Q: What happened to the boy who drank eight cans of Coke?
A: He brought 7 Up.
Q: What do five square meals make?
A: Round people.
Q: Why don't little fish sleep at night?
A: They're afraid of the shark.
Q: What is a musician's favourite cereal?
A: Flute Loops.
Q: What do computer programmers like to eat for breakfast?
A: Ram & eggs.
Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: Because if they lived near the bay, they'd be called bagels.
Q: What did one pencil say to the other?
A: “You're looking sharp.”
Q: What's green and round and goes camping?
A: A boy sprout.
Q: Where can you find out more about ducks?
A: In a duck-tionary.
Q: Why is it difficult to keep a secret when you're cold?
A: Because your teeth chatter.
Q: What keeps jazz musicians on earth?
A: Groovity.
Q: Why did the schoolboy throw a glass of water out the window?
A: He wanted to see a waterfall.
Q: Where does a broom go when it's tired?
A: It goes to sweep.
Q: What kind of X-rays do foot Doctors take?
A: Foot-ographs.
Q: Why can't two elephants go swimming at the same time?
A: Because they only have one pair of trunks.
Q: Why did the baker sell his bread only to the rich and famous?
A: He wanted to work for the upper crust.
Q: What's a cowboy's favourite website?
A: Yahoo!
Q: Why do toadstools grow so close together?
A: They don't need mushroom.
Q: What beetle comes from outer space?
A: Bug Rogers.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a crystal ball with a skunk?
A: An animal with a sixth scent.
Q: What time is it when you sit on a thumb tack?
A: Spring time.
Q: Where did the rabbit learn to fly?
A: In the hare force.
Q: When should a doughnut chef quit?
A: When he is tired of the 'hole' business.
Q: What did the baby banana say to the mother banana?
A: “I don't peel good.”
Q: What kind of fish goes with peanut butter?
A: Jelly fish.
Q: How do you say yes to an optometrist?
A: “Eye-eye, sir.”
Q: Why did the ram crash his car?
A: He didn't see the ewe turn.
Q: Why did the cow jump over the moon?
A: The milkmaid's hands were cold.
Q: Why were outlaws the strongest men in the Old West?
A: They could hold up trains.
Confucius say, “Man who eat sweets take up two seats.”
Q: What does a shark use for a barbecue?
A: Sharkoal.
Q: What sickness can a plane catch?
A: The flew.
Q: What do you call a super pig who can climb up the sides of buildings?
A: Spiderham.
Q: What would you get if you crossed Prince Charles with Moby Dick?
A: The Prince of Whales.
Q: Why couldn't the writer cross the road?
A: He had authoritis.
Q: What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
A: Spring.
Q: What is the tip of the iceberg?
A: >10 to 15 percent of the iceberg's bill.
Q: Why is a graveyard noisy?
A: Because of all the coffin.
Q: What part of a clock is always old?
A: The second hand.
Q: Why can't it rain for 2 days continually?
A: Because there's always a night in between.
Q: What did the lightbulb say to the switch?
A: “You turn me on.”
Q: What did the DVD say to the radio?
A: “You just don't get the picture, do you?”
Q: What animal is best at hitting a baseball?
A: A bat.
Q: Why did the playground cross the road?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why are there no psychiatrists for dogs?
A: Everyone knows dogs aren't allowed on couches.
Q: Who was Wyatt Burp?
A: A sheriff with a repeater.
Q: What's a ticklish subject?
A: The study of feathers.
Q: What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch?
A: Chicken Spocks.
Q: What kind of musician can't you trust?
A: Someone who plays the bull fiddle.
Q: What's a Pilgrim's favourite country?
A: Turkey.
Q: What do you call a dog with a cold?
A: Achoo-huahua.
Q: What happens when you don't clean your mirror?
A: You get a dirty look.
Q: What do you call a patriotic dog?
A: A Yankee poodle.
Q: How do frogs fly?
A: By hopper-craft.
Q: What animals are on legal documents?
A: Seals.
Q: What do you call a foreign body in a chip pan?
A: An Unidentified Frying Object.
Q: Did you hear about the mad scientist who put dynamite in his fridge?
A: He blew his cool.
Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A: The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q: Why do you always find something in the last place you look?
A: Because when you find it, you stop looking.
Q: How do ducks decorate?
A: They wallpaper over the quacks.
Q: What is a
hot time?
A: A clock in an oven.
Q: What's the coldest place an ant can go?
A: The Antarctic.
Q: What do you give a sick snake?
A: Asp-irin.
Q: Why should you walk carefully when it's raining cats and dogs?
A: You might step into a poodle.
Q: What international cricket team plays only half dressed?
A: The Vest Indies.
Q: What do cannibals eat when they go out for breakfast?
A: Buttered host.
Q: How does the Moon trim its hair?
A: E-clipse it.
Q: What do you get when you cross a clown with a chicken?
A: A comedi-hen.
Q: What is the slowest mountain?
A: Mt. Everest.
Q: What did the old man say when he walked into an antiques store?
A: “What's new?”
Q: Who was the first to have a mobile home?
A: A turtle.
Q: What did the tree surgeon say about the diseased elm?
A: “Its bark is worse than its blight.”.
Q: What's the longest line at a Joe-kster's party?
A: The punch line.
Q: What do you get if you cross a flat fish and a bird?
A: A cheep skate.
Q: What inventions help people get up in the world?
A: The elevator, the ladder, and the alarm clock.
Q: What did one mule say to the other?
A: “I get a kick out of you.”
Q: What do you call a baby ant?
A: An inf-ant.
Q: What's special about a neurotic doll?
A: It comes already wound up.
Q: Why did the green vegetable reconsider taking the job?
A: The benefits were good but the celery wasn't.
Q: What did the pen say to the pencil?
A: “What's your point?”
Q: If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does a scuba diver get?
A: Under toe.
Q: Why couldn't the sailors play cards?
A: Because the captain was on the deck.
Q: What animal says “mooski”?
A: A Moscow.
Q: What stories are told about basketball players?
A: Tall tales.
Q: How do you hang up an airplane?
A: On an airplane hanger.
Q: What can make grass grow bigger?
A: Magnifying grass.
Q: What goes 99-thump, 99-thump?
A: A centipede with a wooden leg.
Q: Who uses voodoo to scare mosquitoes away?
A: The itch doctor.
Q: What is the definition of an
undercover agent?
A: A spy in bed.
Q: Why were the charges against the football team dropped?
A: They had a strong defense.
Q: What do you have if you mix a commander of a ship with a fishing lure?
A: Captain Hook.
Q: Where did the fish go on a date?
A: To the dive-in movie.
Q: What kind of bears like bad weather?
A: Drizzly bears.
Q: How can you say rabbit without using the letter R?
A: Bunny.
Q: What does your mother's sister become when she's nervous?
A: Aunt-sy.
Q: Why did the blonde attach her computer to a fishing rod?
A: Someone told her to hook it up.
Q: How do you make a bandstand?
A: Take their chairs away.
Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a toad?
A: A wart processor.
Q: How would you feel after a free lunch in a vineyard?
A: Grapeful.
Q: Where do bears go on vacation?
A: Bear-muda.
Q: Where did the sick ship go?
A: To the docks.
Q: When do monkeys fall from the sky?
A: >During Ape-ril showers.
Q: Why didn't Stuart Little win an Academy Award?
A: Because mice guys finish last.
Q: What kind of ice cream makes you sick?
A: Van-ill-a.
Q: Why did the airline pilot get fired?
A: He took off too many days.
Q: What do you call a necklace made of fruit?
A: A food chain.
Q: Why was the pig excused from gym class?
A: It had a pulled ham string.
Q: Why are basketball players so hot after a game?
A: All the fans are gone.
Q: When is the best day to tell joe-ks?
A: On Pun-day.
Q: When does the moon burp?
A: When it's full.
Q: What happened to the baseball player who was always late for dinner?
A: His wife threw him out at home.
Q: What do you call a dog that digs up bones?
A: A barkyologist.
Q: What is the laziest part of a car?
A: The wheels - they're always tired.
Q: How did the tooth fairy do in school?
A: Fairy well.
Q: What's a puppy's favourite breakfast?
A: Pooch-ed eggs and bark-on.
Q: What does a mechanical frog say?
A: “Robot! Robot!”
Q: Why aren't horses well dressed?
A: Because they wear shoes but no socks.
Q: What is a bird's favourite part of the news?
A: The feather forecast.
Q: What do you call a cat with a pager?
A: A beeping tom.
Q: If 12 make a dozen, how many make a million?
A: Very few.
Q: How do you honour a chestnut?
A: Give it a roast.
Q: What kind of person is fed up with people?
A: A cannibal.
Q: What has winds and solves number problems?
A: A moth-matician.
Q: Where can you buy a chess set?
A: At a pawnshop.
Q: What kind of tree has hair?
A: A fur tree.
Q: Why was the girl named Sugar?
A: Because she was so refined.
Q: What kind of book tells you about all the different kinds of owls?
A: Who's Whoo.
Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A pen-guin.
Q: How did Lucy get lucky?
A: She found a K..
Q: Why is a moon rock tastier than a meatball?
A: Because it's a littler meteor.
Q: What did the laundry man say to the impatient customer?
A: “Keep your shirt on!”
Q: How do you stop a gelatin race?
A: Shout “Get set!”
Q: How did the gnu cross the river?
A: In a ca-gnu.
Q: What flower lies down?
A: A lazy daisy.
Q: Why don't aliens drown in hot chocolate?
A: Because they sit on the Mars-mallows.
Q: What's the best way to catch a fish?
A: Have someone throw it to you.
Q: What did the frankfurter say when the dog bit him?
A: “It's a dog-eat-dog world.”
Q: What people would never join a nudist camp?
A: Pickpockets.
Q: What did the plastic surgeon say to the duck?
A: “I'm going to have to re-bill you.”
Q: What do you call a sheep farm with only rams?
A: Ewes-less.
Q: What do you call an ant that's good at math?
A: An account-ant.
Q: What game do tornadoes like to play?
A: Twister.
Q: What gives milk and says, “Oom, oom”?
A: A cow walking backwards.
Q: What is a tree's favourite game?
A: Follow the Cedar.
Q: Why can't you play games in the jungle?
A: Because there's always going to be a cheetah.
Q: What game do you play in water?
A: Swimming pool.
Q: If two's company and three's a crowd, what is four and five?
A: Nine.
Q: What do you get when you cross your brother with an owl?
A: A wise guy.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a librarian with a race car driver?
A: A speed reader.
Q: What kind of store can stay in the same spot for 50 years?
A: A stationery store.
Q: What would you get if you crossed oxen with zebras?
A: Steers and stripes.
Q: What did the toe say when it was asked out on a date?
A: “I couldn't go out with a heel like you.”
Q: What kind of policeman dresses poorly?
A: A plain clothesman..
Q: What happened to the wooden plane with the wooden wheels and wooden engine?
A: It wooden go..
Q: What do you call an anxious dinosaur?
A: A nervous rex.
Q: What kind of hair do oceans have?
A: Wavy.
Did you hear about the florist whose future looked rosy?
Q: What do you get if you cross a cow and a pogo stick?
A: A milkshake.
Q: What does a chicken say when it goes into a library?
A: “Book-book-book-book-book!”
Q: What did the Doctor give the patient with a splitting headache?
A: Glue.
Q: What kind of dancing do pirates love?
A: The rum-ba.
Q: What does an egg do when another egg bothers it?
A: It eggnores it..
Q: Where do vegetables go to get married?
A: To the Justice of the Peas.
Q: What's the cheapest way to see the world?
A: Buy an atlas.
Q: What did one blackbird say to the other blackbird?
A: “Crow up!”
Q: What instrument do lighthouse keepers play?
A: Fog horns.
Q: Where do pigs like to sit?
A: On pork benches.
Q: Why do you call a parrot in a raincoat?
A: Polly-unsaturated.
Q: What driver puts screws in a glass-bottom boat?
A: A scuba driver.
Q: What do Eskimos use to build their houses?
A: i-glue.
Q: Where do elementary school teachers like to go sailing?
A: Out on the A B seas.
Q: Why didn't Noah do too much fishing on the ark?
A: He only had two worms.
Q: What do you get when you cross peanut butter and a quilt?
A: A bread spread.
Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It overswept.
Q: Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
A: It wanted a well-balanced meal.
Q: What songs put baby birds to sleep?
A: Gull-abies.
Q: How do you top a car?
A: Tep on the brake, tupid!
Q: Name a unit of
electrical energy.
A: What?
Q: How does a computer
order food?
A: Off the menu.
Q: What type of cans
are there in Mexico?
A: Mexicans.
Q: What do 24 hours do
at night?
A: Call it a day.
Q: How does morning
begin?
A: With the letter 'm'.
Q: Why are pianos hard
to open?
A: Piano keys don't open locks.
Q: What do you call a tuba's father?
A: Oom-Papa.
Q: When is fishing bad for you?
A: When you're a worm.
Q: What was the first
thing the lumberjack did when he bought a computer?
A: He logged on.
Q: How do you spell
hard water with three letters?
A: ICE
Q: What do you get when
you cross a dinosaur with fireworks?
A: Dinomite.
Q: Are palm trees
always green?
A: Yes, except at a fortune teller's, where palms are red.
Q: Why do mothers put
so much powder on their babies?
A: Talc is cheap.
Q: Why was the fish's
wish granted?
A: He found his fairy cod mother.
Q: What pop group kills
germs?
A: The Bleach Boys.
Q: What's the
difference between an Indian elephant and an African elephant?
A: Around 3,000 miles.
Q: Why was the computer
so good at golf?
A: It had a hard drive.
Q: What happened to the
kitten that got caught in a Xerox machine?
A: He became a copycat.
Q: Why did the stallion
need a cough drop?
A: He was hoarse.
Q: Why are barns so
noisy?
A: Because the cows have horns.
Q: What do you get when
you drop an ice cream on the floor?
A: A plopsicle.
Q: What did the
porcupine say to the cactus?
A:
“Is
that you, Mommy?”
Q: What do you call an
oyster who doesn't let anyone share his pearl?
A: Shell-fish.
Q: What did the waiter
do when a customer pointed out a twig in his soup?
A: He called over the branch manager.
Q: How do you know that
you are talking to a undertaker?
A: By his grave manner.
Q: What do you call a
big Irish spider?
A: Paddy long legs.
Q: What do you call a
dog in the middle of a muddy road?
A: A mutt in a rut.
Q: Why did Mickey Mouse
take a trip into space?
A: He wanted to find Pluto.
Q: What birds spend all
their time on their knees?
A: Birds of prey.
Q: How do you take a
pig to hospital?
A: By hambulance.
Q: What do you call the
science of soda pop?
A: Fizz-ics.
Q: What does one star
say to another star when they meet?
A:
“Glad
to meteor!”
Q: Why did the frog
croak?
A: It ate a poisonous fly.
Q: Whom did the bug's
uncle marry?
A: His 'ant'.
Q: How does a tree
count?
A:
“One,
two, tree.”
Q: What illness can you
catch from a martial arts expert?
A: Kung flu.
Q: What's a shark's
favourite game?
A: Bite and seek.
Q: Why wouldn't the
apple join the other fruits in the salad?
A: He didn't find it as a-peeling.
Q: Which book is about
chickens?
A: The hen-cyclopedia.
Q: What would you get
if you crossed a cactus with a porcupine?
A: Sore hands.
Q: What's a rabbit's
favourite candy?
A: A lollihop.
Q: How do you revive a
butterfly?
A: Moth-to-moth resuscitation.
Q: What did the worm
say to the other when he was late home?
A:
“Where
in earth have you been?”
Q: Which Bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun.
Q: Why does Batman
brush with toothpaste?
A: To prevent bat breath.
Q: What's a vampire's
favourite food?
A: Scream of mushroom.
Q: What do you say when
you get off a boat?
A:
“Thank
you ferry much.”
Q: Did you hear about
the track star that raced a rabbit?
A: He won by a hare.
Q: What do you use to
paint a dromedary?
A: Camel enamel.
Q: Why did the man go
to dinner with his psychiatrist?
A: So he could whine and dine.
Q: What do you call a
green vegetable served on a ship?
A: A crew-cumber.
Q: Why was the computer
cold?
A: It forgot to close its windows.
Q: Why do golfers like Fruit Loops?
A: Because there's a hole in every one.
Q: What do you call a
frog with no hind legs?
A: Unhoppy.
Q: What did the
submarine say to the ship?
A:
“I
can see your bottom.”
Q: What didn't King
Arthur ever get served at the Round Table?
A: A square meal.
Q: Why did the tennis
players get into trouble?
A: They were making a lot of racket.
Q: What did the tree
wear to the pool?
A: Swimming trunks.
Q: What do snowmen call
their offspring?
A: Chill-dren.
Q: What do you call
high-rise apartment houses for pigs?
A: Styscrapers.
Q: In which direction
does a chicken swim?
A: Cluck-wise.
Q: Who held the baby
octopus for ransom?
A: Squidnappers.
Q: How do snails fight?
A: They slug it out.
Q: What do you call a
car that acts in movies?
A: Harrison Ford.
Q: What's the purpose
of the asteroid belt?
A: To hold up the asteroid's pants.
Q: Why did did the
history history teacher say say every every thing thing twice twice?
A: Because history repeats itself.
Q: What does a cannibal
call a phone book?
A: A menu.
Q: What do you call a baby rifle?
A: A son-of-a-gun.
Q: Why don't cannibals eat weathermen?
A: Because they give them wind.
Q: What do you get when
you cross an automobile with music?
A: Car toons.
Q: Why couldn't the orange
finish the race?
A: It ran out of juice.
Q: What do you call a
very popular perfume?
A: A best smeller.
Q: What did the high
diver wear to his wedding?
A: A swim suit.
Q: Why did the pelican
refuse to pay for his meal?
A: His bill was too big.
Q: What do you call a
frog spy?
A: A croak and dagger agent.
Q: What monster eats a
lot of junk food?
A: Snackula.
Q: Have you heard the
joe-k about the jump rope?
A: Skip it.
Q: What's a cat's
favourite country?
A: Purr-u.
Q: Who is the sickest
Doctor in Asia?
A: Flu Manchu.
Q: What did the
scissors say to the hair?
A:
“It
won't be long now.”
Q: What do you call a
person who thinks he has wings and can fly?
A: Plane crazy.
Q: What's the
difference between a person who dips baby sheep in paint and a dishonest beaver?
A: One is a lamb dyer, the other is a dam liar.
Q: Why did the ding
dong wring his hands?
A: Because his bell was out of order.
Q: What's the name of a
Scottish dentist?
A: Phil McCavity.
Q: What do polar bears
eat for lunch?
A: Ice burgers.
Q: How do you make a
sausage roll?
A: Push it down a hill.
Q: Why was the cowboy a
lot of laughs?
A: He was always horsing around.
Q: Why are giraffes so
slow to apologize?
A: It takes them a long time to swallow their
pride.
Q: How does King
Neptune keep his home clean?
A: He has a mermaid.
Q: What's the happiest
US state?
A: Merryland.
Q: Who was the first
underwater spy?
A: James Pond.
Q: What do you call a
cat comedian?
A: A witty kitty.
Q: What do you get if
you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A: A bird that plucks itself.
Q: When is it safe to
leave a dog in a car with the windows rolled up?
A: When he's in a convertible.
Q: What do you call a
snake that drinks too much coffee?
A: A hyper viper.
Q: What kind of dog
washes clothes?
A: A laundermutt.
Q: In France, if
someone pretends to be your father, what is he called?
A: A faux pas.
Q: Where do ants like
to go on holiday?
A: Ant-igua.
Q: What did the beaver
say to the tree?
A:
“It's
been nice gnawing you.”
Q: Why did the fly fly?
A: Because the spider spied her.
Q: Why did the cat
swallow cheese?
A: So it could wait at the mouse hole with
baited breath.
Q: What do runners do
when they forget something?
A: They jog their memory.
Q: How do baby birds
know how to fly?
A: They just wing it.
Q: What would you get
if you crossed a computer with a fast car?
A: A click and drag race.
Q: What do snowmen wear
on their heads?
A: Ice caps.
Q: What kind of
kangaroo gives advice from a mountaintop?
A: A gu-roo.
Q: Which letter
of the alphabet is always asking questions?
A: Y.
Q: What would you get
if all the cars in the country were painted pink?
A: A pink carnation.
Q: What did the alien
say to the cat?
A:
“Take
me to your litter.”
Q: What do you get when
you cross a skunk with a vegetable?
A: Smellery.
Q: What do you call it
when a highway stumbles?
A: A road trip.
Q: What do you get when
you cross a cocoa bean with an elk?
A: Chocolate moose.
Q: Why doesn't the warden give prisoners chocolate?
A: It makes them break out.
Q: Why didn't the
cannibal want to go to the crematorium for lunch?
A:
They overcook everything.
Q: What did the Wolfman
umpire shout as the lady vampire flew away?
A:
“Bat-her-up!”
Q: Why did the snail
cross the road?
A: I don't know - it hasn't got there yet.
Q: What has antlers and
sucks blood?
A: A moose-quito.
Q: How does a snowman
get to work?
A: By icicle.
Q: What does a watch do
on vacation?
A: Time travel.
Q: What happens if you
make a cannibal angry?
A: You end up in hot water.
Q: What happened to the
man who put his false teeth in backwards?
A: He ate himself.
Q: How far is it from
one basketball court to the next?
A: Just a hoop, skip and a jump.
Q: What should you do
when you serve a camel tea?
A: Ask him if he'd like one hump or two.
Q: Who exploded at
Waterloo?
A: Napoleon Blownapart.
Q: What experimental
ice cream flavour fell flat on its ear?
A: Cob on the cone.
Q: What do you call a
man who cuts lion's hair?
A: The mane man.
Q: Where do basketball
players settle their arguments?
A: In court.
Q: What do you get when
you cross a hippo with a rodent?
A: A hippopota-mouse.
Q: Why do millipedes
taste like chewing gum?
A: They're wrigglies.
Q: What do English
country gentlemen do on Saturday nights?
A: The go squire dancing.
Q: What do you call a
dream where you are attacked by vampires?
A: A bitemare.
Q: What was the last
thing the frog did before he jumped?
A: He croaked.
Q: Why did the cannibal
join the police force?
A: So he could grill his suspects.
Q: What did one lightbulb say to the other?
A:
“Let's
go out tonight.”
Q: Why did the judge
convict the thief immediately?
A: You can't judge a crook by its cover.
Q: What do vegetables
wear when they get married?
A: Onion rings.
Q: Which month of the
year has 26 days?
A: All of them.
Q: What's the magic
word for getting rid of scabs?
A: Scabracadabra!
Q: How do you know when
a dog has been naughty?
A: He leaves a little poodle on the carpet.
Q: What did the alien
say to the eggs?
A:
“Take
me to your beater.”
Q: What did the
violinist sing to his violin?
A:
“I've
got you under my chin.”
Q: How do you fire a
librarian?
A: Throw the book at her.
Q: What do lions call
antelopes?
A: Fast food.
Q: How do bugs leave?
A: They flea the scene.
Q: Why did the Dalai
Lama go to Las Vegas?
A: He wanted Tibet.
Q: Why did the cowardly
vampire go hungry?
A: He couldn't stand the sight of blood.
Q: What do space cows
say?
A:
“Moooooo-n.”
Q: Why aren't
woodpeckers good company?
A: Because they're always boring.
Q: What do you get if
you cross a sheep with a rain storm?
A: A wet blanket.
Q: How does a
schizophrenic change a lightbulb?
A: He asks one of his personalities to do it for
him.
Q: Why did the
carpenter go to the Doctor?
A: He had a saw hand.
Q: What do you get if
you cross nuns with a chicken?
A: A pecking order.
Q: Why was the
porcupine standing around?
A: He was quilling time.
Q: What's the easiest way to get on TV?
A: Sit on your set.
Q: Why are hairdressers
good drivers?
A: They know all the short cuts.
Q: What did one
hurricane say to the other hurricane?
A:
“I've
got my eye on you.”
Q: What kind of space
villain works in a restaurant?
A: Darth Waiter.
Q: Why did the turkey
cross the road?
A: To prove he wasn't chicken.
Q: What do you call
bears with no ears?
A: B.
Q: How does a snake get
to work in the morning?
A: In hiss car.
Q: What happens if you
cross an onion with a potato?
A: The potato starts to cry.
Q: Why did the computer
squeak?
A: Someone trod on its mouse.
Q: What's big, gray and
puts you in a trance?
A: A hypno-potomus.
Q: Where do American
vampires work?
A: At the Vampire State Building.
Q: What do you call a
judge with no thumbs?
A: Just his fingers.
Q: How do you catch an
electric eel?
A: With a lightning rod.
Q: Which medieval
knight was the first to need eyeglasses?
A: Sir Glancealot.
Q: Why doesn't a bald man need keys?
A: Because he's lost his locks.
Q: Why was the
photographer arrested?
A: Because he shot people and blew them up.
Q: How do you measure
poison ivy?
A: By itches.
Q: Why was the letter
so damp?
A: It had postage dew.
Q: What do you call a
donkey with 3 legs?
A: A wonkey.
Q: What do you call a
man with a government subsidy?
A: Grant.
Q: What do you call a nervous cow?
A: Beef jerky.
Q: What does a one-legged ballerina
wear?
A: A one-one.
Q: What do ants use for
hula hoops?
A: Cheerios.
Q: Why are fish so
smart?
A: They swim in schools.
Q: What's a
caterpillar's worst enemy?
A: A dog-erpillar.
Q: Why did the traffic
light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the
middle of the street!
Q: Why did the toilet
paper run down the mountain?
A: It wanted to get to the bottom.
Q: What do you call an
unemployed jester?
A: Nobody's fool.
Q: What is a panther?
A: Someone who panths.
Q: What's the
difference between a New Yorker and a dentist?
A: One roots for the Yanks, the other yanks for the roots.
Q: What's a cat's
favourite quote from Hamlet?
A:
“Tabby
or not tabby!”
Q: What do Eskimos get
under their eyes when they can't sleep?
A: Arctic circles.
Q: What happens to a
dog that eats garlic?
A: His bark is much worse than his bite.
Q: How did Jonah feel
when the whale swallowed him?
A: Down in the mouth.
Q: What kind of pickle
does a dentist use?
A: A drill pickle.
Q: What flower is
always happy?
A: A gladiola.
Q: If Ireland sank into
the sea, which county wouldn't sink?
A: Cork.
Q: What do you call a
carpenter who misplaces his tools?
A: A saw loser.
Q: What do beavers eat
for breakfast?
A: Oakmeal.
Q: What do bees do with
their honey?
A: They cell it.
Q: What's a bee's
favourite song?
A:
“Bee
it ever so humble, there's no place like comb.”
Q: Why did the chewing
gum cross the road?
A: It was stuck to the chicken's foot.
Q: What did the shrimp
yell to the seaweed?
A:
“Kelp!
Kelp!”
Q: What game do fish
like playing the most?
A: Name That Tuna.
Q: What did the window
say to the door?
A:
“I'm
the one with a pane, so why are you squeaking?”
Q: What do you call a
campground for spiders?
A: A website.
Q: Why did the
secretary have her fingers cut off?
A: So she could do shorthand.
Q: How do you get to a
hospital in a hurry?
A: Stand in front of a bus.
Q: What does an
elephant always take on safari?
A: His trunk.
Q: What do you call a
100-year old ant?
A: Ant-ique.
Q: How do hedgehogs
play leapfrog?
A: Very carefully.
Q: What does a bumble
bee sit on?
A: Its bee-hind.
Q: What does Robin Hood
put on his presents?
A: Bows and arrows.
Q: What did one eye say
to the other eye?
A:
“Between
you and me, I think something smells.”
Q: Why did the shark
cross the ocean?
A: To get to the other tide.
Q: What do dogs
increase?
A: The pup-ulation.
Q: What did Sally see
when her friend Dawn bent over?
A: The crack of Dawn.
Q: What's a frog's
favourite flower?
A: A croak-us.
Q: What does the
zookeeper serve at snack time?
A: Animal crackers.
Q: What kind of car
does Mickey Mouse's wife drive?
A: A minnie van.
Q: What followed the
dinosaur?
A: It's tail.
Q: Why did the lady
jump in the ocean?
A: To get a wave in her hair.
Q: Why did the girl put
her bed in the fireplace?
A: So that she could sleep like a log.
Q: Why did a fan bring
a rope to the baseball game?
A: So he could tie up the score.
Q: What is a crazy
duck?
A: A wacky quacky.
Q: What do they call
Pastors in Germany?
A: German Shepherds.
Q: What is an
archaeologist?
A: Someone who's career is in ruins.
Q: Why are astronauts
successful people?
A: Because they always go up in the world.
Q: What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
A: Seasoned troopers.
Q: Why don't lemons
play in concerts?
A: They play too many sour notes.
Q: What is a tree's
favourite drink?
A: Root beer.
Q: What do dolphins
wear to the beach?
A: Swim fins.
Q: What's Moby Dick's
favourite dinner?
A: Fish 'n ships.
Q: What did the baby
chimney say to the father chimney?
A:
“Pop,
you smoke too much.”
Q: What do you get when
you cross a movie house and a swimming pool?
A: A dive-in theater.
Q: What kind of feet
does a mathematics teacher have?
A: Square feet.
Q: Where do you store
Chinese boats?
A: In a junk yard.
Q: What is Russian for
Goodbye?
A:
“Mos
Go!”
Q: Where do sick pigs
go?
A: To the hogspital.
Q: Did you hear about
the magic bus?
A: It went along the road, then turned into a side street.
Q: Why did the bald man put a rabbit on his head?
A: Because he wanted a head of hare.
Q: Why did Little Johnny put his head on the grindstone?
A: To sharpen his wits.
Q: When's the best time
to buy a budgie?
A: When it's going cheep.
Q: When does a
graveyard romance start?
A: When boy meets ghoul.
Q: Did you hear about the baby born in the hi-tech delivery room?
A: It was cordless.
Q: What's the biggest
plant in the world?
A: A steel plant.
Q: What did one wall
say to the other wall?
A:
“Meet
you at the corner.”
Q: What do you call it
when 2 cows help each other?
A: Cow-operation.
Q: What did one tombstone say to the other tombstone?
A:
“Don't
take me for granite.”
Q: What's a mouse's
favourite television show?
A: Squeal of Fortune.
Q: Why did the man put
a clock under his desk?
A: He wanted to work over time.
Q: What do you call a
hippopotamus with the measles?
A: A hippo-spotty-mus.
Q: How do you send a
message in the woods?
A: By moss code.
Q: Where do endangered
birds live?
A: In condor-miniums.
Q: What do birds use
for skydiving?
A: Sparrow-chutes.
Q: What did one
clothesline say to the other clothesline?
A:
“You
don't have any clothes on.”
Q: Why did the Mom
cross the road?
A: No one could tell. She was mumbling to
herself about peace and quiet. She circled the block a couple of times and came
back a lot happier.
Q: What did the mother
river name her baby
A: Brook.
Q: What did Mom say
when her daughter swallowed a dictionary?
A:
“Don't
breathe a word to your father.”
Q: What did the mommy
pair of pants say to her son when he wouldn't shut up?
A:
“Zip
it!”
Q: What insect keeps
good time?
A: A clock roach.
Q: How is food served to the man in the moon?
A: In satellite dishes.
Q: What union do mimes belong to?
A: The United Mime Workers.
Q: What do you say to
King Kong when he gets married?
A: Kong-ratulations!
Q: Did you hear about
the mad scientist?
A: He invented a square bathtub so it never left a ring.
Q:
What do you get if you
eat baked beans and onions?
A: Tear gas.
Q:
What arctic bird lives
in a bakery?
A: A cream puffin.
Q:
What do you get if you
cross a karate expert with a tree?
A: Spruce Lee.
Q:
What are unhappy
cranberries called?
A: Blueberries.
Q:
What's white and fluffy
and beats its chest?
A: A meringue-utan.
Q:
Why does Superman fly
to South Africa to get his clothes?
A: Because that's where Cape Town is.
Q:
What do whales chew?
A: Blubber gum.
Q:
What is a snake's
favourite subject?
A: Sssssssssscience.
Q:
What do trees watch on television?
A: Their favourite sap operas.
Q:
What does a werewolf
put on at the beach?
A: Moon-tan lotion.
Q:
What's the best way to
prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
A: Don't bite any.
Q:
Why did Luke Skywalker
always sleep with the light on?
A: He was afraid of the Darth.
Q:
What do you call a bird
in winter?
A: A b-rrrrrrrrrrr-d.
Q:
On what day do spiders eat the most?
A: Flyday.
Q:
Which 3 ways do men
wear their hair?
A: Parted, unparted and departed.
Q:
What's the difference
between a watchmaker and a jailer?
A: One sells watches and the other watches cells.
Q:
What did the beach say
when the tide came in?
A:
“Long
tide no sea.”
Q:
What do you have to
know to teach a dog tricks?
A: More than the dog.
Q:
How do robots cross a lake?
A: In a row-bot.
Q:
What dog bakes cakes?
A: Betty Cocker.
Q:
Why is your heart like
a policeman?
A: It follows a regular beat.
Q:
What did the cloud have
under its raincoat?
A: Thunderwear.
Q:
What do you call a
broken phonograph record?
A: A smash hit.
Q:
What did one tonsil say
to the other tonsil?
A:
“It
must be summer - here comes another swallow.”
Q: Why should you never
swim on an empty stomach?
A: It's easier to swim in water.
Q:
Did you hear about the old lady who told knitting joe-ks?
A: She was a nit wit.
Q:
Why did the man enjoy
his work in the towel factory?
A:
Because it was a very absorbing job.
Q:
What do termites do
when they want to relax?
A:
They take a coffee table break.
Q:
What dog keeps the best
time?
A: A watch dog.
Q:
What song do workers at
a cryogenics lab sing?
A:
“Freeze
a jolly good fellow.”
Q:
What do you call a
volcano?
A: A mountain with
hiccups.
Q:
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish?
A: Swimming trunks.
Q:
Did you hear about the constipated musician?
A: He couldn't finish his last movement.
Q:
What did the turtles
say to the teacher?
A:
“You
tortoise everything we know.”
Q:
Why did the computer
geek take up photography?
A: He wanted his own dorkroom.
Q:
What do you call a
brontosaurus trapped in a glacier?
A: A fossicle.
Q:
What do you call a
sunburn on your stomach?
A: Pot roast.
Q:
What kind of dog works
at the United Nations?
A: A diplomutt.
Q:
How do hot dogs speak?
A: Frankly.
Q:
Why was the calendar so sad?
A: It's days were numbered.
Q:
What's the biggest room in the world?
A: Room for improvement.
Q:
Why did the teacher
marry the janitor?
A: He swept her off her
feet.
Q:
What do you call really
scared pasta?
A: Chicken noodles.
Q:
Why did the tree go to
the hospital?
A: For a sap-pendectomy.
Q:
How are dogcatchers
paid?
A: By the pound.
Q:
Where do baby Vikings
go when their parents are at work?
A: To the Norse-ery.
Q:
What's the difference
between a computer program and a boxer?
A: One's a bruiser, one's a browser.
Q:
What does the Joe-kster fill his car with?
A: Laughing gas.
Q:
How did Hiawatha?
A: With thoap and water.
Q:
On what day do internet
geeks eat the most?
A: Webs-day.
Q:
What do you call a
dinosaur that lifts weights?
A: Tyrannosaurus Pecs.
Q:
What do you call
someone in Asia who is under 21?
A: Asia Minor.
Q:
Why don't lepers like
comedy shows?
A: It makes them laugh their heads off.
Q:
How do you feel after a Doctor sticks a needle into you?
A: Holier.
Q:
Why did the nail cross
the road?
A: He was bent on it.
Q:
What is zinc?
A: The present tense of zunk.
Q:
What kind of socks do
baseball players like?
A: Ones with lots of runs
in them.
Q:
What animal has a bill in his name but none of his face?
A: A ger-bill.
Q:
What does the following
tell you about Little Johnny?
APPRECIATED
LITTLE JOHNNY
WEIGHT
A: Little Johnny is
underappreciated and overweight.
Q:
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A: A puddle.
Q:
What did the
bus driver say
to the frog?
A:
“Hop
on.”
Q:
What did the invisible salesman say?
A:
“What
you don't see is what you don't get.”
Q:
What sport is after 'nine'?
A: Ten-nis.
Q:
What did the judge say to the skunk that was on trial?
A:
“Odor
in the court!”
Q:
What happens if you
kiss an electric eel?
A: You have a shocking
experience.
Q:
Why couldn't the geometry teacher solve her own problems?
A: She didn't have the
right angle.
Q:
Did you hear about the
pirate who made a sword out of meat?
A: It was a veal cutlass.
Q:
What happened to the wolf who fell into the washing machine?
A: He became a wash-and-werewolf.
Q:
How did Peter get
across the Nottafoot River without a boat?
A: He walked - it was only
11 inches deep.
Q:
If some new cars have
satellite radio, what kinds of cars have cable?
A: Cable cars.
Q:
Who was the 1st electrician in the Bible?
A: Noah - he made the ark
light on Mount Ararat.
Q:
Did you hear the one
about the soap cleaner?
A: It's really clean.
Q:
What do you call a fish who can do magic?
A: Marlin the
Magnificent.
Q:
What did one plate say
to the other?
A:
“Dinner's
on me.”
Q:
Why was the mime
unhelpful in reporting an accident?
A: She couldn't say what
had happened.
Q:
Why did the drummer
bring a chicken to band practice?
A: He needed new drumsticks.
Q:
What happened when the
icicle landed on the man's head?
A: It knocked him out cold.
Q:
What kind of TV do you find in a haunted house?
A: A big-scream TV.
Q:
What dog has bad
manners?
A: A pointer - pointing is
not polite.
Q:
Where does Friday come before Thursday?
A: In the dictionary.
Q:
What sea creature can
add?
A: An octoplus.
Q:
Why did the dog run
around in circles?
A: He was a watchdog and
wanted to wind himself up.
Q:
Who herded phantom
sheep?
A: Little Boo Peep.
Q:
What do you call a
non-swimmer who falls in the river?
A: Bob.
Q:
What did the coward say
to the stamp?
A:
“I
bet I can lick you.”
Q:
What do you call the
person who mows the grass of a baseball field?
A: A diamond cutter.
Q:
What do you call a
rabbit on a diet?
A: Thinning hare.
Q:
Why does a spider make
a good baseball player?
A: Because its good at
catching flies.
Q:
What is a frog's favourite ballet?
A: Swamp Lake.
Q:
Why was the cow going
to the psychiatrist?
A: She had a fodder complex.
Q:
Why did the pie crust
go to the dentist?
A: It needed a filling.
Q:
What do you get from a funny cow?
A: Cream of Wit.
Q:
What do you get from a
forgetful cow?
A: Milk of Amnesia.
Q:
What did the couch say
halfway through the marathon?
A:
“Sofa,
so good.”
Q:
Why did the fisherman
go deaf?
A: He had problems with his
herring.
Q:
What do you get when you grill a Barbie doll?
A: A Barbieque.
Q:
What vegetable is known as “The King of Rock 'n Roll”?
A: Elvis Parsley.
Q:
What does a computer
programmer eat for lunch?
A: An Apple.
Q:
Why is it difficult to
hold a conversation with a goat?
A: It always butts in.
Q:
What's an undertaker's favourite time of day?
A: Mourning.
Q:
Why did the man carry a
mattress around on his back?
A: He wanted to have
something to fall back on.
Q:
What's black and white
and never right?
A: A hockey referee.
Q:
What do you call a
monster with no neck?
A: The Lost Neck Monster.
Q:
What bird has wings but
cannot fly?
A: A roast turkey.
Q:
What vegetable can you find in a toilet?
A: A leek.
Q:
What do you call two banana peels?
A: A pair of slippers.
Q:
Why is 2008 a good year
for frogs?
A: It's a leap year.
Q:
Why is grass dangerous?
A: It's full of blades.
Q:
Who wrote 'The Angry Werewolf'?
A: Claudia Armoff.
Q:
What's the best hockey team in the universe?
A: The All-Stars.
Q: Who
gets the most respect in a circus?
A: The tall man - everyone
looks up to him.
Q: What did the police
tell the mime when they arrested her?
A:
“You
have the right to remain silent.”
Q: What kind of bird works
on a building site?
A: A crane.
Q: What
do you get when you cross a chicken with chewing gum?
A: Chicklets.
Q:
Why did the farmer name
his pig Ink?
A: Because it kept running out of the pen.
Q: Are
baseball umpires good eaters?
A: Yes - they always clean their plates.
Q: What
branch of the army do babies join?
A: The infantry.
Q:
What do you get when
you cross a cow with a volcano?
A: Udder disaster.
Q:
Why did the computer
wear glasses?
A: To improve its web sight.
Q: Why
can't skunks keep secrets?
A: Because people are
always getting wind of them.
Q: What do you call a tire
salesperson?
A: A wheeler dealer.
Q: Why
do oceans never go out of style?
A: They're always current.
Q: When
do Doctors get angry?
A: When they run out of
patients.
Q: What
job does a loon do in the forest?
A: He's a loon ranger.
Q:
What did the dog do
after he swallowed a firefly?
A: He barked with de-light.
Q:
What do you get when
you cross a hen with a banjo?
A: A chicken that plays a
tune when you pluck it.
Q:
What did the corn give
his fiancée when he proposed?
A: An ear ring.
Q: What part of a computer keyboard do astronauts like best?
A: The space bar.
Q:
What kind of music do
long-distance truckers listen to?
A: Cross-country music.
Q:
What do you call a
fish's date?
A: His gill-friend.
Q: What do you call a
shark fin floating in your soup?
A: A dorsal morsel.
Q: What
is commonly called brain food?
A: Noodle soup.
Q: How do you describe
pedestrians in Los Angeles
A: Los Angeles dodgers.
Q: What
is a history teacher's quiz show?
A: The Dating Game.
Q: What
do you call a Roman emperor when he catches a cold?
A: Julius Sneezer.
Q: How
did the police know the blacksmith's signature was a fake?
A: It was forged.
Q: What does a Doctor say
to a patient who doesn't like his prescription?
A:
“Suture
self.”
Q:
What did the bald man
say when he got a comb for his birthday?
A:
“Thanks,
I'll never part with it.”
Q:
What did the paint give
the wall on their 1st anniversary?
A: A new coat.
Q: What
do you get when you cross Darth Vader's son with a hamburger?
A: A Luke Skywhopper.
Q: What
happens when you throw a clock in the air?
A: Time's up!
Q: What
do you call a polite snake?
A: A civil serpent.
Q:
How do you get a mouse
to smile?
A: Say cheese.
Q: What
did the log say to the lumberjack?
A:
“You
give me a splitting headache.”
Q: When
doesn't it matter if a sailor can't swim?
A: When he's not in the
water.
Q:
What do you call a dog
that's out in the snow?
A: A chilli dog.
Q:
Why did the outlaw see
the Doctor?
A: He was a sick shooter.
Q:
Which underwater
creature is good at math?
A: An oct0-plus.
Q: What happened when the
glassblower inhaled?
A: He got a pane in the stomach.
Q: What do you call a
ten-foot ant?
A: A gi-ant.
Q: When
is a shark dizzy?
A: When its head is
swimming.
Q: Did you hear the joe-k
about the chocolate cake?
A: Never mind, it's too
rich for you.
Q: Why does the navy recruit so many opera singers?
A: Because they can handle the high Cs.
Q: Why
do little boys whine?
A: They're practicing to be men.
Q:
Why was there thunder
and lightning in the lab?
A: The scientists were
brainstorming.
Q:
What kind of tree has
hands?
A: A palm tree.
Q: What looks like half a
cat?
A: The other half.
Q: What do you call the
history of a car?
A: An auto-biography.
Q: What
does a porcupine have for lunch?
A: Prickled onions.
Q: Why aren't cannibals popular at weddings?
A: They insist on toasting the bride and groom.
Q: Why
was the little shoe sad?
A: His mother was a loafer
and his father was a sneaker.
Q: What
happens if you get vinegar in your ear?
A: You suffer from pickled
hearing.
Q:
What do you call a
positive flea?
A: A hop-timist.
Q:
What is bald but has
its head covered?
A: A bald eagle.
Q:
Why did the fish smell
so bad?
A: Long time no sea.
Q:
What did the sleeping
pines do?
A: They knotted off.
Q:
How did the man in the
electric chair pay for his last meal?
A: He charged it.
Q:
What happened to the 2
bedbugs that fell in love?
A: They got married in the spring.
Q:
What do you call a
whale band?
A: An orca-stra.
Q:
Why was the fireman so
upset?
A: He ran into an old flame.
Q:
Why did it take the ant
so long to get home?
A: It was 'uphill' all the way.
Q:
What do you get if you
cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A: Halfway.
Q:
What happened to the
shark that swallowed a bunch of keys?
A: He got lockjaw.
Q:
What does a nearsighted
gingerbread man use for eyes?
A: Contact raisins.
Q:
How did the wet Easter
Bunny dry himself?
A: With a hare dryer.
Q:
How do you make a
rabbit stew?
A: Make it wait for three
hours.
Q:
How do you post a bunny?
A: By Hare mail.
Q:
How does the Easter
Bunny say Happy Easter?
A: Hoppy Easter.
Q:
What do you call a
bunny with a large brain?
A: Egghead.
Q:
What do you get when
you cross a bunny with an onion?
A: A bunion.
Q:
What do you get when
you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A: A hot cross bunny.
Q:
What does a bunny use
when it goes swimming?
A: A hare-net.
Q:
What's yellow, has long
ears, and grows on trees?
A: The Easter Bunana.
Q:
Who is the Easter
Bunny's favorite movie actor?
A: Rabbit De Niro.
Q:
Why are bunnies good at
Math?
A: They can multiply so
fast.
Q:
Why did a rabbit say
that the Easter Bunny was self-centered?
A: Because he was eggo-centric.
Q:
Why did the bunny go to
the dance?
A: To do the bunny hop.
Q: Why
did the chocolate egg hide from the sun?
A: Not to melt.
Q:
Why is a bunny the
luckiest animal in the world?
A: It has four rabbits' feet.
Q:
Why shouldn't you tell
an egg a good joe-k?
A: It might crack up.
Q:
Why should you never
iron a 4-leaf clover?
A: You don't want to press
your luck.
Q: If a
band plays music in a thunderstorm, who is most likely to get hit by lightning?
A: The conductor.
Q:
Why is eating at a
restaurant on the moon boring?
A: Because there's no atmosphere.
Q: Where
were English kings usually crowned?
A: On their heads.
Q:
Why do some fishermen
use helicopters to get their bait?
A: Because the whirlybird gets the worm.
Q:
In a young boy, what is
cleanliness next to?
A: Impossible.
Q:
What's the best way to improve a long speech?
A: Use shortening.
Q:
What kind of dinosaur
can you ride in a rodeo?
A: A bronco-saurus.
Q:
What kind of snake
loves dessert?
A: A pie-thon.
Q: Why
does a frog have more lives than a cat?
A: Because it croaks every night.
Q:
What is the healthiest
source of water?
A: Well water.
Q:
What do you call a
grandfather clock?
A: An old timer.
Q:
Why was the parrot
wearing a raincoat?
A: So it would be poly-unsaturated.
Q:
How did the window know
which bugs were good?
A: She screened them.
Q:
How did the snow pile
get across the sea?
A: It went a-drift.
Q:
What do they serve in
the ocean?
A: Sponge cake.
Q:
If athletes get
athlete's feet, what do lifeguards get?
A: Undertoe.
Q:
Do fish bite at sunrise?
A: No, they bite at worms.
Q:
What's the best cure
for insomnia?
A: Just keep sleeping it
off.
Q:
What does a skunk call
his father's brother?
A: Skunkle.
Q:
How do kittens shop?
A: From cat-alogues.
Q:
How did the farmer feel
when a bird pooped in his eye?
A: He was thankful that
pigs can't fly.
Q:
How does a scientist
get ready for work?
A: He puts his genes on.
Q:
Where are the Great
Plains?
A: At the great airports.
Q: What
do you call a python with the gift of the gab?
A: A snake charmer.
Q:
How do vampires start a
duel?
A: Drac to Drac.
Q: Where does the catcher
keep his mitt?
A: In the glove compartment.
Q: What speaks every
language?
A: An echo.
Q: Why did the fishing
pole get into trouble?
A: It was playing hooky.
Q: What
does a dentist call x-rays?
A: Tooth pics.
Q:
What do you call a
piece of wood with nothing to do?
A: Bored.
Q:
Why is six afraid of
seven?
A: Because seven eight nine.
Q:
Why did the baker work
so hard?
A: He kneaded the dough.
Q:
How many peas are there
in a pint?
A: There's only one P in 'pint'.
Q: What
is a skunk's best defense against enemies?
A: Instinct.
Q:
Why did the man climb
up to the chandelier?
A: He was a light sleeper.
Q:
How can you fix a short
circuit?
A: Lengthen it.
Q:
What side of a house
gets the most rain?
A: The outside.
Q:
What's a teacher's
favourite food?
A: Graded cheese.
Q:
Where is George
Washington buried?
A: Underground.
Q:
Why do dogs like to eat at Italian restaurants?
A: For the paws-ta.
Q:
What do you call a
female worm?
A: A worman.
Q:
Which country has a
very good appetite?
A: Hungary.
Q:
What month is good on
toast?
A: Jam-uary.
Q: Where
does a homeless octopus live?
A: On squid row.
Q:
What type of shoes do
frogs wear?
A: Open toad sandals.
Q:
Who wrote 'Keeping
Snakes'?
A: Sir Pent.
Q:
How is cat food sold?
A: Purr can.
Q:
What do you call a dog
that gets mail?
A: A labrador receiver.
Q:
Does an apple a day keep the
Doctor away?
A: Yes, if your aim's good
enough.
Q: What
do you call a dog that does experiments?
A: A lab-rador.
Q:
What's as big as an
elephant but weighs nothing?
A: An elephant's shadow.
Q:
What airline do
monsters fly on?
A: British Scare-ways.
Q:
How do you make gold
soup?
A: Put 14 carrots in it.
Q: Where
does a librarian sleep?
A: Between the covers.
Q: What
do cats eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies.
Q:
What do you call a fat
chimp?
A: A chunky monkey.
Q:
What do you call frozen
mice?
A: Micicles.
Q:
Where do elephants go on vacation?
A: Tuskany.
Q:
What candy is never on
time?
A: Choco-late.
Q:
What do you call a
monkey with a bomb?
A: A baboom.
Q: Where does sour cream
come from?
A: Discontented cows.
Q: What did the donkey
that only had weeds to eat say?
A:
“Thistle
have to do.”
Q: What
do you get when a hippopotamus plays in your room?
A: A hippopota-mess.
Q: What does a comedian eat for breakfast?
A: Puncakes.
Q:
How did the farmer fix
his jeans?
A: With a cabbage patch.
Q:
What's a runner's
favourite subject in school?
A: Jog-raphy.
Q: When
can a horse leave the hospital and go home?
A: When it's in stable condition.
Q:
Where do ponies go when
they're sick?
A: To the horse-pital.
Q:
What never shows off
about making honey?
A: A humblebee.
Q: What
did the frog say at the dinner party?
A:
“Time's
fun when you're having flies.”
Q:
What did the tree say
to the grasshopper?
A:
“You
bore me.”
Q:
What would happen if
you swallowed uranium?
A: You'd get atomic ache.
Q:
What is as annoying as
a roaring river?
A: A babbling brook.
Q:
What did the stove say
to the pot?
A:
“I
can make things hot for you.”
Q:
How does a broom act?
A: With sweeping gestures.
Q: What
does a baseball umpire do before he eats?
A: He brushes off his plate.
Q:
Who was the first
swinger?
A: Tarzan.
Q:
What's the difference between an umbrella and a person who never stops talking?
A: An umbrella can be shut up.
Q:
What do you call a guy
who smells like fish?
A: Poor sole.
Q:
Why don't burn victims
like to eat in hospitals?
A: The food makes their
skin crawl.
Q:
Why did the coffee cup go down
to the police station?
A: To report that he had
been mugged.
Q:
Why did the bank teller
cross the road?
A: He didn't have any cents.
Q:
What do pans like to
eat?
A: Pot pies.
Q:
What is a frozen
policeman?
A: A copsicle.
Q:
What do people do in a
clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
Q: What
state covers more ground than any other?
A: Floor-ida.
Q:
How do sailors get their clothes clean?
A: They throw them
overboard and they wash ashore.
Q:
How was the blind
carpenter able to see?
A: He picked up his hammer and saw.
Q:
What kind of meat
doesn't stand up?
A: Lean meat.
Q:
How is a burning candle
like thirst?
A: A bit of water ends both
of them.
Q:
How can you tell if your
Doctor's a quack?
A: By his large bill.
Q:
What happens when you
put a baby goat in a blender?
A: You get a crazy mixed-up kid.
Q:
Where do ghouls go on
vacation?
A: Lake Eerie.
Q:
What happens if you play country music backwards?
A: Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
Q:
What do you call Eskimo
cows?
A: Eskimoos.
Q:
How many balls of
string would it take to reach the moon?
A: One if it were long enough.
Q:
What are southern
fathers called?
A: Southpaws.
Q:
Who was older, David or Goliath?
A: David was older because he rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q:
How can you get in touch with a fish?
A: Drop him a line.
Q:
Why wouldn't the
butterfly go to the dance?
A: It was a moth ball.
Q:
What do you call a girl lying in the middle of a tennis court?
A: Annette.
Q: Why
don't mountains get cold in the winter?
A: They wear snow caps.
Q:
What do you call
artificial spaghetti?
A: Mockaroni.
Q:
What flower grows on
your face?
A: Tulips.
Q:
What kind of cake do
you get at a cafeteria?
A: A stomach-cake.
Q:
What does an aardvark
take for indigestion?
A: Anta-seltzer.
Q:
What did the Doctor tell the patient with chronic diarrhea?
A:
“It runs in your family.”
Q:
What do body odor and
peaches have in common?
A: They both grow around pits.
Q: What
happened to the boy who ate a thermometer?
A:
He was dying by degrees.
Q: Where does Valentine's
Day come after Easter?
A:
In the dictionary.
Q: Why
should you send your sweetheart a valentine on Valentine's Day?
A:
Because you always heart
the one you love.
Q: What did the man who
loves his car do on February 14th?
A:
He gave it a Valen-shine.
Q: What did the French
chef give his wife on Valentine's Day?
A:
A hug and a quiche.
Q: What do squirrels give
each other for Valentine's Day?
A:
Forget-me-nuts.
Q: What did the boy pickle
say to the girl pickle on Valentine's Day?
A:
“You
mean a great dill to me!”
Q: What did the caveman
give his wife on Valentine's Day?
A:
Ughs and kisses.
Q: What did the farmer
give his wife on Valentine's Day?
A:
Hogs and kisses.
Q: What did the boy bee
say to the girl bee on Valentine's Day?
A:
“You
are bee-autiful - will you bee mine?”
Q: What did the girl bee
say to the boy bee on Valentine's Day?
A:
“I
love bee-ing with you!”
Q: What did the boy rabbit
say to the girl rabbit on Valentine's Day?
A:
“Your're
no bunny 'til some bunny loves you!”
Q: What did the pork chop
say to the steak on Valentine's Day?
A:
“Nice
to meat you!”
Q: What did the boy drum
say to the girl drum on Valentine's Day?
A:
“My
heart beats for you!”
Q: What did the girl
lightbulb to the boy lightbulb on Valentine's Day?
A:
“You
de-light me - I love you watts and watts!”
Q: What did the boy
lightbulb to the girl lightbulb on Valentine's Day?
A:
“Watts
you see is watts you get!”
Q: What did the boy owl
say to the girl owl on Valentine's Day?
A:
“Owl
be yours.”
Q: What did the boy snake
say to the girl snake on Valentine's Day?
A:
“Give
me a hug and a hiss, honey!”
Q: What did the boy sheep
say to the girl sheep on Valentine's Day?
A:
“I
love ewe!”
Q: What did the cat say to
the girl cat on Valentine's Day?
A:
“You're
purrfect for me!”
Q: What did the boy bird
sing to the girl bird on Valentine's Day?
A:
“Let
me call you tweetheart...”
Q: How did the Vampire
call his sweetheart on Valentine's Day?
A:
“Be
my Ghoul-friend!”
Q: What did the boy whale
say to the girl whale on Valentine's Day?
A:
“Whale
you be mine?”
Q: Why do skunks celebrate
Valentine's Day?
A:
They're very scent-imental.
Q: What did the boy bear
say to the girl bear on Valentine's Day?
A:
“I
love you beary much!”
Q: Why did the cannibal
break up with his Valentine?
A:
She didn't suit his
taste.
Q: What did the little boy
bat say to his Valentine?
A:
“I
love hanging around with you.”
Q: Why did the boy jump up
and down on his Valentine card?
A:
He was told to stamp
letters.
Q: What
do you call a very small Valentine?
A:
A Valentiny.
Q: What did Mary tell her
little lamb?
A:
“Ewe
cannot be at school.”
Q: What did the hockey
player ask the puck just before the game?
A:
“Want
to 'stick' around for a while?”
Q: How
did Captain Hook meet his end?
A: He picked his nose with the wrong hand.
Q: What do you call a man
who's been mauled by a tiger?
A:
Gord.
Q: Who leads the wedding party when two bakers marry?
A: The flour girl.
Q: How do you say goodbye
to a bad cold?
A:
“Catch
you later!”
Q: What do you call a
werewolf professor?
A: A creature teacher.
Q:
What did the turkey say to the dressing?
A:
“I'm
stuffed!”
Q: What birds are always
sad?
A: Bluebirds.
Q: What's the most popular
restaurant at the North Pole?
A: Brrrrr-grrrrrr King.
Q: What
part of a car causes the most accidents?
A: The nut behind the wheel.
Q: Did you hear about the
tree trimmer who wanted to be in show business?
A: Every time he took a bough, he took
a bow.
Q: Why are false teeth
like stars?
A: Because they come out at night.
Q: What
animal talks a lot?
A: A yak.
Q: What do you call it
when pigs do their laundry?
A: Hogwash!
Q: If you cross a dog and
cat, what do you get?
A: An animal that chases itself.
Q: Why do you run faster
when you have a cold?
A: You have a racing pulse and a running nose.
Q: How do you make a
Venetian blind?
A: Stick a finger in his eye.
Q: Which end of a bus is
it best to get off?
A: It doesn't matter - both ends stop.
Q: What did Delaware?
A: She wore her New Jersey.
Q: How did the Norse god
take his temperature?
A: With a Thor-mometer.
Q: Why did Little Johnny
cut a hole in the top of his umbrella?
A: So he could see when it stopped raining.
Q: Why is grape religious?
A: Because it comes from di-vine.
Q: What happened when the
chimney got angry?
A: It blew its stack.
Q: What kind of clothing does a pet dog wear?
A: A petticoat.
Q: How
can you get a cow into a frying pan?
A: Use shortening.
Q: You never catch a cold
going up in an elevator. True or false?
A: True - you come down with a cold,
never up.
Q: What happened when the
dog swallowed a watch?
A: He got a lot of ticks.
Q: Where do old tires end
up?
A: On skid row.
Q:
What's a good remedy for squeaky infants?
A: Baby oil.
Q: What did the computer
say when the little lamb logged on?
A: “Ewe
got mail.”
Q: Why were the police
called when the chicken failed to cross the road?
A: Fowl play was suspected.
Q: What fish is a bargain?
A: A sailfish.
Q: What kind of deer lives
in a can?
A: A cantaloupe.
Q: Where does a vampire
take a bath?
A: In the bat-room.
Q: How are a bad boy and a
canoe alike?
A: They both get paddled.
Q: What would happen if
you ate yeast and polish?
A: You would rise and shine.
Q: What do you call
numerals that don't feel anything?
A: 'Numb'ers.
Q: What do you call a soup
made of vegetables and chewing tobacco?
A: Spit pea soup.
Q: What do you do when the
Doctor tells you you're iron-deficient?
A: You take up nail biting.
Q: When
are people smartest?
A: During the day, because when the sun shines everything is brighter.
Q: What did one rug say to
the other?
A:
“I'm
mat about you!”
Q: Why was the mother owl
worried about her boy?
A: Because he didn't give a hoot about
anything.
Q: How did the big
mountain know that the little mountain was fibbing?
A: Because it was only a bluff.
Q: What do you call
someone who always tells you about his future problems?
A: A misfortuneteller.
Q: What is a fast duck?
A: A quick quack.
Did you
hear about the burglar who broke into a baker's shop and ate 25 prune tarts?
He was on the run for days.
Q:
What's a cat's favourite colour?
A:
Purr-ple.
Q: How
do birds stop themselves in the air?
A:
With air brakes.
Q: Why is playing Spanish guitar so easy?
A:
Because all the music is written in the key of sí.
Q: Why are a grandfather's teeth like the stars?
A:
Because they come out at night.
Q: What do you say to a
sailor who's been on land for years?
A:
“Long
time no sea!”
Q: What
did the syrup call her sweetheart?
A:
Honey.
Q: Why
aren't drummers very smart?
A:
Because they're often cymbal-minded.
Q: What do you get when
you eat a lollipop that has a mosquito on it?
A: A bloodsucker.
Q: Why did the letters
cross the road?
A:
It was EZ.
Confucius say:
“Carry a rabbit in a
storm and the wind'll blow the hare in your face.”
Q: What happened to the man with amnesia when he farted?
A: It all came back to him.
Q: What do you call a nun who goes sleep walking?
A: A Roamin' Catholic.
Q: How did the teacher get
into a car accident?
A: She was grading papers on a curve.
Q: Why
did the electrical plug-in have to stay home?
A: She was grounded.
Q: Where do baby apes sleep?
A: In apricots.
Q: What are taste buds?
A: The answer is right on the tip of
my tongue.
Q: What do scientists use
to get eels out of the ocean?
A: An eelbarrow.
Q: What do you get when a
cow takes belly dancing lessons?
A: A milk shake.
Q: What did the
Doctor say to his hungry patient?
A:
“Would
you like syrup on your pancreas?”
Q: What kind of vegetables
could help you fly a kite?
A: String beans.
Q: What
should you tell your favourite history teacher?
A:
“I've
been waiting for ages to take this course!”
Did you hear about the
cannibal horse?
This one ate his own fodder.
Q: What fish do pelicans
eat?
A:
Anything that fits the bill.
Q: What causes baldness?
A: Lack of hair.
Q: What is a parasite?
A:
Something you see in Paris.
Q: How does an octopus go
to war?
A: Armed.
Q: What criminals can you
find in a shoe store?
A:
A pair of sneakers.
Q: Why does a squirrel
spend so much time in trees?
A:
To get away from all the nuts on the ground.
Q: What musical instrument
doesn't tell the truth?
A:
A lyre.
Q: Why did the man put his
radio in the refrigerator?
A: So he could hear cool music.
Q: What makes joe-ks about
knitting?
A:
A nitwit.
Q: If you planted an angry cow, what would come up?
A:
Crow-cusses.
Q: What do bullfighters
use on their skin?
A:
Oil of Olé.
Q: If there were a bank
holdup, who would be the main witness?
A: The teller.
Q: How
do you spell “80” with
just two letters?
A:
A T
Q: Why
were all the girl's boyfriends named William?
A:
She's a bill collector.
Q: What's the difference
between a person who lives in Australia and a person who sleeps under a feather
quilt?
A: One's down under,
and the other's under down.
Q: What did one skunk say
to another?
A: “So
do you!”
Q: How is a judge like an English teacher?
A: They both hand out long sentences.
Q: Why did the lady mouse
want to move?
A: She was tired of living in a hole
in the wall.
Q: If a millionaire sits
on his gold, who sits on silver?
A: The Lone Ranger.
Q: Why don't centipedes
play football?
A: By the time they get their shoes
on, the game is over.
Q: What
position did the pig play in football?
A: Swinebacker.
Q: Why does Tigger smell
so bad?
A: Because he plays with Pooh.
Q: What time is it when
you sit on your cat?
A: Time to get a new one.
Q: Why is Sunday the strongest day?
A: The others are weekdays.
Q: Who are the 3
unluckiest girls in the world?
A: Mis-chance, Mis-fortune, and Mis-hap.
Q: Why did the man put his
car in the oven?
A: Because he wanted a hot rod.
Q: How long should an
animal's legs be?
A: Long enough to reach the ground.
Q: What animals failed to
come to Noah's Ark in pairs?
A: Worms. They came in apples.
Q: What do you get when
you cross a lion and a mouse?
A: A mighty mouse.
Q: What's an astronaut's
favourite meal?
A: Launch.
Q: Where does imitation
leather come from?
A: From imitation cows.
Q: Where do spies do their
shopping?
A: At the snooper market.
Q: How do you raise a
kitten?
A: By its neck.
Confucius say: Worm that falls asleep in King Arthur's apple will wake up in
middle of knight.
Q: How did Mother Computer scold PC Junior?
A: “Wait
'til your data gets home!”
Q: What did the boy say to
the X-ray technician after swallowing a quarter?
A: “Do
you see any change in me?”
Q: What made passengers
hurry off the Greyhound?
A: A flea collar.
Q: What famous western
sheriff started a chain of hotels?
A: Hyatt Earp.
Q: What does a chiropractor take at the end of his studies?
A: A spinal exam.
Q: Why did the pair of
safety scissors fail her cutting test?
A: She didn't get the point.
Q: Where do mothers learn
to feed their babies?
A: In nursery school.
Q: Why was the drama club
put in detention?
A: They kept acting up.
Q: When do students fail
driver's ed class?
A: When they're in a no-passing zone.
Q: What should farmers do
if crows steal their corn?
A: Call the crops.
Q: Did you hear about the
jealous broccoli?
A: It was green with envy.
Q: Why did the man buy his
son a dachshund?
A: He wanted to get him a
down-to-earth pet.
Q: How do law students
date?
A: They court each other.
Q: Why did the math
teacher retire?
A: His number was up.
Q: Who was the first
couple to study science?
A: Atom and Eve.
Q: Why did the baby go to chemistry class?
A: To learn formulas.
Q: What did the paper say
to the pencil?
A: “Write
on!”
Q: What does illegal mean?
A: A sick bird.
Q: Did you hear about the composer who only worked in bed?
A: He composed sheet music.
Q: What
are dogs' coats made of?
A: Mutt-erial.
Q: What golf equipment was out when attendance was taken?
A: Absent-tees.
Q: What
do insects use to write reports?
A: Flypaper.
Q: What
day of school is a child's favourite?
A: The last.
Q: What college to vines
go to?
A: The Ivy League.
Q: Why should you always
wear a watch in the desert?
A: Because they have springs in them.
Q: Which fish live in heaven?
A: Angelfish.
Q: What kind of ants would
really spoil your picnic?
A: Elephants.
Q: Why do bananas never
get lonely?
A: Because they go around in bunches.