All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for “normal” people at the Special
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
Can you cry under water?
Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Doesn't “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
Ever notice how irons have a setting for “permanent” press?
Have you ever wondered how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
How can there be self-help “groups”
How come we never hear father-in-law joe-ks?
How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
If a cow makes ground beef, why doesn’t a pig make groundhog?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If a funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Is it me, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Life is sexually transmitted.
On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message “one slice”? How many
pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
The differences between a rut and a grave is the length and depth.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four North Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
What are imitation rhinestones?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
What do you call male ballerinas?
What is the speed of darkness?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Where's that extra penny going to?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”
Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's ass.”
Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
Why aren’t Bald Eagles bald?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?
Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their rear end when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your rear end?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
Why do we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do we sing, “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do you have to “put your two cents in”... but it's only a penny for your thoughts? Where's that extra penny going to?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?
Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Why does “monosyllable” have five syllables in it?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, “Oh my God - I could be eating a slow learner.”
Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing those two songs?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why does your OB-GYN (Obstetrician-Gynaecologist) leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why don't you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery!”?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
Why is it called a building if it’s already been built?
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips after you use it?
Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it rain drops, but snow falls?
Why is it that dogs go to obedience school and kids run wild?
Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98 or stop Windows XP, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is what doctors do called “practice”?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
You go to the ballet and you see girls dancing on their tiptoes. Why don’t they just get taller girls?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why is it that brochures say to stop in for more information and when you do they hand you another brochure?
Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?
A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called “pygg”. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as “pygg banks.” When an English potter misunderstood the word he made a bank that resembled a pig. And it caught on.
Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches, while pennies and nickels do not?
A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.
Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. And that's where women's buttons have remained since.
Q: Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.
Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called “passing the buck?”
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would “pass the buck” to the next player.
Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would then just touch or clink the host's glass with his own.
Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be “in the limelight”?
A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage lighting by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, performers on stage “in the limelight” were seen by the audience to be the center of attention.
Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use “mayday” as their call for help?
A: This comes from the French word 'm'aidez', meaning “help me”, and is
Q: Why is someone who is feeling great “on cloud nine”?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.
Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called “love”?
A: In France, where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on scoreboard
looked like an egg and was called “l'oeuf,” which is French for egg. When
tennis was introduced in the US, Americans pronounced it “love.”
Q: In golf, where did the term “Caddie” come from?
A. When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl (for education & survival), Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scot game “golf”. So he had the first golf course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland, she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into “caddie.”
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