2000 Darwin Awards
[The Darwin
Award is an annual honour given to the person who provided the universal human
gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily
stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen. Some candidates
appear to have trained their whole lives for this event...]
DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water
after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who was always "totally
focused when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high
cliff on his daily run.
3. Buxton, NC. A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand
caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21 dug the hole for fun, or
protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday
afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on
the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a
resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy
equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was
pronounced dead at a hospital.
4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first
through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarising. Death was caused when the long
flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his
skull as he hit the floor.
5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena,20,was stabbed to death
in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could
not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.
6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet
with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth
and pull the trigger.
7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27,and Randy
Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they
were playing with their snowmobiles.
DARWIN AWARD HONOURABLE MENTIONS
1. In Guthrie, Oklahoma, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from
his 22-calibre rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal
Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his
basement, declined to use a broom in favour of a propane torch and caused a fire that
burned the first and second floors of his house.
3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife
Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While
driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the
window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was
closed.
MORE
1. Tacoma, Wa - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle
of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the
walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they
discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,
volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the
cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall
lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He
miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby
fishermen. "All I can say", said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for
me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never
located.
AND THE WINNER:
PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated
elephant 'Stefan' 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and
prunes before the plugged-up elephant finally let fly and suffocated the keeper under 200
pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump
truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked
Mr.Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the
elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted
Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under
all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along and during that time he
suffocated. "It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen."