Baked Bean Lover
Once upon a
time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but
they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl
and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself,
“She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he
made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in
the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.
On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed
him. Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill
effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans.
All the way home he farted.
By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and
seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
“Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise
for you for dinner tonight!” She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at
the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to
feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone
rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the
phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let
go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he
felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when
another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine
revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a
while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he
felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a
real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute
later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation
in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this
for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and
freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.
After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled
“SURPRISE!”
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his
surprise birthday party.