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A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER! - NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! you'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

The blonde reported for her university final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet-Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers.

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.  The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"

A blonde goes to a doctor and tells him that both of her ears are burnt. "Sit down and tell me how it happened," said the doctor.
"Well,I was ironing my clothes, when I received a call and instead of picking the phone I picked up the iron and burnt my left ear."
"But that's one ear what about the other?"
"The sucker called again!!"

A blonde was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed, The Blonde"
She pinned the note inside the boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Also inside the bag was the following note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

She Was So Blonde That ...

   She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
   She thought a quarterback was a refund.
   Tripped over a cordless phone.
   Put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
   Told a friend to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON"T WALK.
   Took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
   At the bottom of an application, where it says "sign here," she wrote "Pices."
   If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
   When she heard 90% of all crimes occurred around the home, she moved.

There were 11 women hanging onto a rope off a cliff. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all knew that one person should let go because if they didn't the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others.
All of the blondes started clapping.

A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."

A brunette was walking down the middle of the street bobbing her head and saying "88, 88, 88." A blonde saw her and asked her why she did it. The brunette said that it was fun and that the blonde should try it. So they were both walking down the middle of the street saying "88, 88, 88." All of the sudden a huge semi-truck came along and the brunette jumped out of the way...
A brunette was walking down the middle of the street bobbing her head and saying "89, 89, 89."

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head were all at a swim meet. The gun went off and the brunette quickly takes first place with the red head close behind her. About an hour later the blonde climbs from the pool and begins complaining to the judges that while she was using the breaststroke, the other two had been using their arms.

Legend has it that there is a restaurant in New York where, in the ladies room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie .... poof .... you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. A redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I am the most beautiful woman in the world." Poof .... the mirror swallows her. Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm losing weight." Poof .... the mirror swallows her. Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think...." Poof ....

A blonde was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The blonde replied, "A multi-millionaire".

A redhead, brunette and a blonde, all pregnant, were sitting in the park knitting baby clothes when the redhead puts down her knitting reaches in to her bag and pulls out a bottle of pills and takes one. The other two ask what it is she is taking. "Its sugar and spice and all things nice - 'cause I want a little girl" and carries on knitting. The Brunette puts down her knitting and reaches for her bag, pulls out a bottle of pills and takes one. The other two ask her what it is she is taking - "oh - it's made from toads and snails and puppy dogs tails - I want a little boy." A couple of minutes later the blonde puts down her knitting and with a huge sigh takes out a bottle of pills and takes one. She looks at the other two and says "Alright - Its thalidomide - I just can't do arms".

Q: If a blonde and a brunette jump off a cliff who would hit the ground first?
A: The brunette, because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Three women, a brunette, redhead and blonde, were sitting in a park on a bench talking to one another. Each of them was visibly pregnant, and the redhead asked the brunette if she knew what sex of child she was having.
The brunette said, "Oh yes, I know I'm having a boy because I conceived on my back." The redhead replied with great affirmation, "Yeah, I know I"m having a girl because I was on top!'
They both then heard the blonde crying loudly, holding her head in her hands. They both looked at her and asked why she was crying. The blonde screamed, "I'm going to have PUPPIES!"

A brunette, a red-head, and a blonde are stuck on a deserted island. It's 30 miles to the mainland, and they're running out of food. The brunette decides to try to swim to safety. She swims 8 miles, gets exhausted, and drowns. The red-head tries next. She swims 12 miles, gets exhausted and drowns. The blonde is last. She swims 29 miles and gets exhausted...so she turns around and swims back to the island.

There is a big room with four corners. In the first corner, you find Superman. In the second corner you find Batman. In the third corner you find Spiderman. And in the fourth corner you find an extremely intelligent blonde woman. In the center of the room there is a pot of gold.
Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
A: None, because none of these characters exist.

Q: Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A: It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland "Left", so they turned around and went home.

Q: Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate.

Q: Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.

Q: What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

Q: Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

Q: What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
A: Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: What's the definition of eternity?
A: 4 blondes at a 4-way stop.

Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean?
A: An air pocket.

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh, look!! Donut seeds!

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms. "That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk. "What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging." "Tax," replies the clerk. Gee," says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."

One day a blonde went to a seafood restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters. She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse. Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.

"Excuse me, could you tell me the time?" asked the blonde of a man on the street corner "Sure .... it's three fifteen," he replied with a smile. "Thanks," she said, a puzzled look crossing her face. "You know, it's the weirdest thing I've been asking that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer.

A Blonde and a brunette are walking through a park. The brunette looking at the ground, says, "Look! A dead bird!" The blonde looks up at the sky and says, Where?"

A blonde's house is on fire. She runs outside and yells, "Help me! My house is on fire! What do I do?!" Someone else yells, "Call 911!"      The blonde yells back, "What's the number?!"

The blonde crook was in the police station being interrogated by the police sergeant.
"But," he said, "if you had to steal a car, why a police car?"
"Because," the blonde replied, "I saw the number 911 and thought it was a Porsche!"

The blonde was talking to her friend, Marshall, who said, "I thought you were going to get a suntan today."
"I did," she said. "I was out there for three hours, but I didn't get any color."
Marshall replied, "Next time don't lie under a tree!"

One morning, the blonde, who was sleeping over at her friend Nancys place, was doing her morning ablutions.
"Why," asked Nancy, "do you keep tip-toeing past the medicine cabinet?"
"Because," replied her hysterical houseguest, "I didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!"

Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said that they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit 'em.

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

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