A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no,” the man replies.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say.
“Tell him,” she whispers, “There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”
Beer speaks. People mumble. - Tony McGee
Payday came and with it beer. - Rudyard Kipling
I work until beer o'clock. - Stephen King
Ya don't have to soft soap me. - Archie Bunker
Religions change; beer and wine remain. - Hervey Allen
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. - Unknown
You can never buy beer, you just rent it. - Archie Bunker
Beer. Now there's a temporary solution. - Homer Simpson
You're a bartender, y'aint a mortrician. - Archie Bunker
Beer, it's the best damn drink in the world. - Jack Nicholson
Ah, beer, my one weakness. My Achilles heel, if you will. - Homer Simpson
Endangered forests are being slaughtered for toilet paper. - Daphne Zuniga
What two ideas are more inseparable than Beer and Britannia? - Sydney Smith
I'm only a beer teetotaller, not a champagne teetotaller. - George Bernard Shaw
I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve. - WC Fields
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? - George Carlin
Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die. - Homer Simpson
Give me a woman who truly loves beer and I will conquer the world. - Kaiser Willhelm II
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. - Bill Cosby
In heaven there is no beer...
That's why we drink ours here. - Unknown
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. - Franklin P Jones
When in doubt as to the applicability of a disinfectant, use soap and water. - Martin H. Fischer
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. - Ben Franklin
France is a country where the money falls apart but you can't tear the toilet paper. - Billy Wilder
You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar. - Groucho Marx
The problem of improving literary taste is one for the schools. Soap operas sell lots of soap. - Neil McElroy
An Irishman after trying American beer for the first time: "Put it back in the horse!" - Unknown
Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: pour a little Lavoris in the toilet. - Jay Leno
I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge. - Jerry Seinfeld
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. - George Carlin
In soap, fatty acids made from boiling pork bone fat are used as a hardening agent, but also for giving it a pearl-like effect. - Christien Meindertsma
Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. - Dave Barry
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner
Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language?
One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap. - Red Skelton
NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN or beer. This makes it very clear that men are not from Mars. - Unknown
If you sang "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" and counted all the numbers mentioned throughout the entire song, it would add up to 14,850. - the Joe-kster
One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine... Soap and water and common sense are the best disinfectants. - William Osler
Bartender & Relationship Sections
Annoying Little Bars Of Soap
Cowboy Bubble Bath
Crack In Tower Of Pisa
How To Shower - For Women and Men
Maybe My Job Is Not So Bad After All
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Redneck Shower Head
Today’s Bathroom Reader
Wash Away Sins
Washing Clothes Recipe
When You Gotta Go
What A Radical
Bacon My Heart
How a Tangerine Is Made
For Lazy Shoppers
Dog Pot Nap
Shame On All You Hunters
Names of the Colours
Chinese Take Away
Revenge of the Stallion
Learning To 'Fly'