Doing The Job Right

Arrival of the proxy father


The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a proxy or surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.” Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

“Good morning madam. I’ve come to...”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs.Smith cut in.
“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”
“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”

“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot of ...” gasped Mrs. Smith.

“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”
“Don’t I know it,” Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.”
“Oh my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
“Yes,” the photographer said. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached, and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, um, equipment?” 
“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”
“Tripod?”
“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?...”




QuotaBills
Poverty is the parent of revolution and crime. - Aristotle

A baby is an inestimable blessing and a bother. - Mark Twain

Ever notice how baby shampoo smells like spring? - Toni Sorenson

Anybody who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad. - Leo Rosten

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. - Erma Bombeck

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. - Rodney Dangerfield

The meek may inherit the earth, but they don't get in to Harvard. - Robin Williams

What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family. - Mother Teresa

Insomnia: a contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents. - Shannon Fife

Live so you won't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. - Will Rogers

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby. - Natalie Wood

Conventions are like coins, an easy way of dealing with the commerce of relations. - Freya Stark

The firsts go away - first love, first baby, first kiss. You have to create new ones. - Sarah Jessica Parker

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them. - Desmond Tutu

No man can cause more grief than one clinging blindly to the voices of his ancestors. - William Faulkner

Your family is depending on you. No better reason to bring all your game all the time. - Grant Cardone

When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. - Thomas Paine

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children. - Dave Barry

There's no road map on how to raise a family: it's always an enormous negotiation. - Meryl Streep

Character is better than ancestry, and personal conduct is of more importance than the highest. - Thomas J. Barnardo

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning. - Phyllis Diller

We are the children of many sires, and every drop of blood in us in its turn ... betrays its ancestor. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. - Rodney Dangerfield

Family faces are magic mirrors. Looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present and future. - Gail L. Buckley

The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf. - Bertrand Russell

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. - Will Rogers

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years. - George Burns

There is no king who has not had a slave among his ancestors, and no slave who has not had a king among his. - Helen Keller

My parents have been visiting me for a few days. I just dropped them off at the airport. They leave tomorrow. - Margaret Smith

I don't think he's gonna come Edith. He just ain't got none of that, waddya call, family unconscious. - Archie Bunker

The practical importance of the preservation of our forests is augmented by their relations to climate, soil and streams. - John Muir

Children despise their parents until the age of forty, when they suddenly become just like them, thus preserving the system. - Quentin Crewe

Babies are bits of stardust, blown from the hand of God. Lucky the woman who knows the pangs of birth, for she has held a star. - Larry Barratto

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? - George Carlin

The greatest thing about man is his ability to transcend himself, his ancestry and his environment and to become what he dreams of being. - Tully C. Knoles

Distinguished ancestors shed a powerful light on their descendants, and forbid the concealment either of their merits or of their demerits. - Gaius S. Crispus

Our ancestors ... possessed a right, which nature has given to all men, of departing from the country in which chance, not choice has placed them. - Thomas Jefferson

I'll paddle board, swim in the ocean, roll in the sand, soak up the sun, eat good food, be with friends and family and go fishing with my dad. - Behati Prinsloo

Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath and hope we've set aside enough money for our kids' therapy. - Michelle Pfeiffer

Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die. - Oscar Wilde


see also   Family  &  Relationship  Sections
A Woman’s Mind
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23-Jun-2018