Doing The Job Right

Arrival of the proxy father


The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a proxy or surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.” Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

“Good morning madam. I’ve come to...”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs.Smith cut in.
“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”
“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”

“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot of ...” gasped Mrs. Smith.

“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”
“Don’t I know it,” Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.”
“Oh my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
“Yes,” the photographer said. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached, and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, um, equipment?” 
“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”
“Tripod?”
“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?...”




QuotaBills
Something bad has befelt the family. - Archie Bunker

You live as long as you are remembered. - Russian Proverb

Babies are such a nice way to start people. - Don Herold

Poverty is the parent of revolution and crime. - Aristotle

A baby is an inestimable blessing and a bother. - Mark Twain

Family is not an important thing - it's everything. - Michael J. Fox

Anybody can make history, only a great man can write it. - Oscar Wilde

Some men by ancestry are only the shadow of a mighty name. - Etheridge Knight

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. - Greg Norman

Every baby born into the world is a finer one than the last. - Charles Dickens

Do not remove the ancient landmark that your ancestors set up. - Bible

Making the family a top priority will invariably bring success. - Zig Ziglar

If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you. - Dick Cavett

The meek may inherit the earth, but they don't get in to Harvard. - Robin Williams

The big lesson in life, baby, is never be scared of anyone or anything. - Frank Sinatra

Gentility is what is left over from rich ancestors after the money is gone. - John Ciardi

Southerners are so devoted to genealogy that we see a family tree under every bush. - Florence King

The firsts go away - first love, first baby, first kiss. You have to create new ones. - Sarah Jessica Parker

When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. - Thomas Paine

Fathers should be neither seen nor heard. That is the only proper basis for family life. - Oscar Wilde

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children. - Dave Barry

He that has no fools, knaves, nor beggars in his family was begot by a flash of lightning. - Thomas Fuller

There's no road map on how to raise a family: it's always an enormous negotiation. - Meryl Streep

We are, in the comics, the last frontier of good, wholesome family humor and entertainment. - Bill Keane

I don't know who my grandfather was, I am much more concerned to know what his grandson will be. - Abraham Lincoln

I've come to learn that the best time to debate family members is when they have good in their mouths. - Kenneth Cole

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. - Phyllis Diller

Family, religion, friendship... these are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. - Mr. Burns

Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. - Oscar Wilde

There's no environment I can think of that would have remained constant enough to preserve dinosaur DNA. - Hendrik Poinar

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields

We split from our common ancestor with the octopus half a billion years ago. And yet, you can make friends with an octopus. - Sy Montgomery

Our ancestors are very good kind of folks; but they are the last people I should choose to have a visiting acquaintance with. - Richard B. Sheridan

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? - George Carlin

The greatest thing about man is his ability to transcend himself, his ancestry and his environment and to become what he dreams of being. - Tully C. Knoles

Clay. It's rain, dead leaves, dust, all my dead ancestors. Stones that have been ground into sand. Mud. The whole cycle of life and death. - Martine Vermeulen

Our babies are like penguins; penguin babies can't exist unless more than one person is taking care of them. They just can't keep going. - Alison Gopnik

I'll paddle board, swim in the ocean, roll in the sand, soak up the sun, eat good food, be with friends and family and go fishing with my dad. - Behati Prinsloo

Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath and hope we've set aside enough money for our kids' therapy. - Michelle Pfeiffer

If you think that nobility consists of having sixteen ancestors rather than merit, great Prince, then you may - and you may also praise or condemn me. - Franz Grillparzer


see also   Family  &  Relationship  Sections
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11-Dec-2018