Doing The Job Right

Arrival of the proxy father


The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a proxy or surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.” Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

“Good morning madam. I’ve come to...”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs.Smith cut in.
“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”
“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”

“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot of ...” gasped Mrs. Smith.

“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”
“Don’t I know it,” Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.”
“Oh my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
“Yes,” the photographer said. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached, and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, um, equipment?” 
“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”
“Tripod?”
“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?...”




QuotaBills
By ancestry, I was born to rule. - Nelson Mandela

You live as long as you are remembered. - Russian Proverb

A happy family is but an earlier heaven. - Sir John Bowring

My parents put a live teddy bear in my crib. - Woody Allen

A thankful heart is the parent of all virtues. - Cicero

Family is not an important thing - it's everything. - Michael J. Fox

Acting is just a way of making a living; the family is life. - Denzel Washington

The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents. - John J. Plomp

I know love at first sight can work. It happened to my parents. - George Clooney

Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family. - Homer Simpson

Writing is conscience, scruple, and the farming of our ancestors. - Edward Dahlberg

The big lesson in life, baby, is never be scared of anyone or anything. - Frank Sinatra

Insomnia: a contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents. - Shannon Fife

Future generations may well ask themselves, what were our parents thinking? - Al Gore

Gentility is what is left over from rich ancestors after the money is gone. - John Ciardi

We do not inherit the earth from our parents. We borrow it from our children. - Unknown

Those who inherit fortunes are often more troublesome than those who make them. - African Saying

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. - Dave Barry

My parents treated my like I had a brain - which, in turn, caused me to have one. - Diane Lane

If you're Irish, it doesn't matter where you go - you'll find family. - Victoria Smurfit

The family you came from isn't as important as the family you're going to have. - Ring Lardner

Fathers should be neither seen nor heard. That is the only proper basis for family life. - Oscar Wilde

Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave
when they think that their children are naive. - Ogden Nash

We are, in the comics, the last frontier of good, wholesome family humor and entertainment. - Bill Keane

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning. - Phyllis Diller

A man who thinks too much about his ancestors is like a potato - the best part of him is underground. - Henry Cooper

The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf. - Bertrand Russell

I've come to learn that the best time to debate family members is when they have good in their mouths. - Kenneth Cole

The irony of the matter is that the future generations do not have a vote. In effect, we hold their proxy. - Charles J Hitch

Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. - Oscar Wilde

There is no king who has not had a slave among his ancestors, and no slave who has not had a king among his. - Helen Keller

Children aren’t happy without something to ignore,
And that’s what parents were created for. - Ogden Nash

Sensitive love letters are my specialty: "Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You. P.S. I'm gay." - Homer Simpson

Our ancestors are very good kind of folks; but they are the last people I should choose to have a visiting acquaintance with. - Richard B. Sheridan

The longer we live the more we think and the higher the value we put on friendship and tenderness towards parents and friends. - Samuel Johnson

The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended - and not to take a hint when a hint isn't intended. - Robert Frost

A man finds room in the few square inches of the face for the traits of all his ancestors; for the expression of all his history, and his wants. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Our babies are like penguins; penguin babies can't exist unless more than one person is taking care of them. They just can't keep going. - Alison Gopnik

I'll paddle board, swim in the ocean, roll in the sand, soak up the sun, eat good food, be with friends and family and go fishing with my dad. - Behati Prinsloo

If you think that nobility consists of having sixteen ancestors rather than merit, great Prince, then you may - and you may also praise or condemn me. - Franz Grillparzer


see also   Family  &  Relationship  Sections
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Before The Impact
Communication Divorce
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My Ex-Wife, The Pilot
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Perfect Divorce
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23-Apr-2019