Doing The Job Right

Arrival of the proxy father


The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a proxy or surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.” Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

“Good morning madam. I’ve come to...”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs.Smith cut in.
“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”
“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”

“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot of ...” gasped Mrs. Smith.

“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”
“Don’t I know it,” Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.”
“Oh my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
“Yes,” the photographer said. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached, and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, um, equipment?” 
“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”
“Tripod?”
“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?...”




QuotaBills
Burn rubber, not your soul, baby. - Craig Fernandez

Ancestry is a hereditary condition. - Unknown

People like to trace their ancestry. - Richard Dawkins

You live as long as you are remembered. - Russian Proverb

My parents put a live teddy bear in my crib. - Woody Allen

Poverty is the parent of revolution and crime. - Aristotle

I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world. - Bill Watterson

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children. - Sam Levenson

The presidency is temporary, but the family is permanent. - Yvonne de Gaulle

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. - Erma Bombeck

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. - Greg Norman

Love is the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion. - Miguel de Unamuno

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. - WC Fields

There is never a problem child; there is only a problem parent. - A.S. Neill

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. - Rodney Dangerfield

I love you like crazy, baby
'Cuz I'd go crazy without you. - Pixie Foudre

Future generations may well ask themselves, what were our parents thinking? - Al Gore

As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. - Buddy Hackett

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them. - Desmond Tutu

It is a desirable thing to be well-descended, but the glory belongs to our ancestors. - Plutarch

Your family is depending on you. No better reason to bring all your game all the time. - Grant Cardone

To lose one parent may be regarded as misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. - Oscar Wilde

My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take. - Rita Rudner

Fathers should be neither seen nor heard. That is the only proper basis for family life. - Oscar Wilde

Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave
when they think that their children are naive. - Ogden Nash

We are, in the comics, the last frontier of good, wholesome family humor and entertainment. - Bill Keane

There's a lot of baggage that comes along with our family, but it's Louis Vuitton baggage. - Kim Kardashian

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning. - Phyllis Diller

I grew up in an Irish Catholic family, and I think they force you to watch every James Cagney movie. - Jimmy Fallon

A man who thinks too much about his ancestors is like a potato - the best part of him is underground. - Henry Cooper

I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. - Rodney Dangerfield

I've come to learn that the best time to debate family members is when they have good in their mouths. - Kenneth Cole

If a child, a spouse, a life partner, or a parent depends on you and your income, you need life insurance. - Suze Orman

Her capacity for family affection is extraordinary: when her third husband died, her hair turned quite gold from grief. - Oscar Wilde

Sensitive love letters are my specialty: "Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You. P.S. I'm gay." - Homer Simpson

We split from our common ancestor with the octopus half a billion years ago. And yet, you can make friends with an octopus. - Sy Montgomery

The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended - and not to take a hint when a hint isn't intended. - Robert Frost

Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank

Distinguished ancestors shed a powerful light on their descendants, and forbid the concealment either of their merits or of their demerits. - Gaius S. Crispus

Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath and hope we've set aside enough money for our kids' therapy. - Michelle Pfeiffer


see also   Family  &  Relationship  Sections
A Woman’s Mind
Arkansas Divorce Application
Bad Feather Day
Before The Impact
Communication Divorce
Divorce Cakes
Divorce Defined
Divorce Is Grand
Emotion Stew
Everything Men Know About Women
Hormone Guide
Just Divorced
Keyboard Wedding
Men To The Left
My Ex-Wife, The Pilot
Obedient Wife
OCD Ball Pit
OCD Electrician
Old Divorce
Perfect Divorce
Polish Divorce
Redneck Divorce
Texas Divorce
The Origin of the White Wedding Dress
Understanding Women
Walker Buddies
Wedding Cake for the Submissive Husband
What Did You Just Say?
Winning An Argument With A Woman
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25-Feb-2018