Doing The Job Right

Arrival of the proxy father


The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a proxy or surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.” Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

“Good morning madam. I’ve come to...”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs.Smith cut in.
“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”
“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”

“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot of ...” gasped Mrs. Smith.

“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”
“Don’t I know it,” Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.”
“Oh my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
“Yes,” the photographer said. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached, and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, um, equipment?” 
“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”
“Tripod?”
“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?...”




QuotaBills
No one vinces me, baby - Michael Grant

By ancestry, I was born to rule. - Nelson Mandela

Friends are the family you choose. - Jennifer Aniston

A happy family is but an earlier heaven. - Sir John Bowring

Our ancestors ... were laborers, not lawyers. - Thomas Jefferson

Anybody can make history, only a great man can write it. - Oscar Wilde

The two things children wear out are clothes and parents. - Unknown

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. - Greg Norman

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. - Rodney Dangerfield

A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it. - Frank A. Clark

Making the family a top priority will invariably bring success. - Zig Ziglar

Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family. - Homer Simpson

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. - Rodney Dangerfield

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. - Leo J Burke

Having a baby is like trying to push a grand piano through a transom. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family. - Mother Teresa

Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors. - Unknown

For our immediate family and relatives, Canada was a land of opportunity. - Sidney Altman

I come from an Irish Catholic family, and hell-raising is part of the DNA. - Brian Dennehy

After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations. - Oscar Wilde

I write to keep in contact with our ancestors and to spread truth to people. - Sonia Sanchez

No Chinese Catholics are allowed to worship ancestors in their familial temples. - Pope Clement XI

A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures. - Daniel Webster

Your family is depending on you. No better reason to bring all your game all the time. - Grant Cardone

When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. - Thomas Paine

My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take. - Rita Rudner

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter

Everyone has ancestors and it is only a question of going back far enough to find a good one. - Howard K. Nixon

When you start about family, about lineage and ancestry, you are talking about every person on earth. - Alex Haley

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with. - Rodney Dangerfield

Any living cell carries within it the experiences of a billion years of experimentation by its ancestors. - Max Delbrook

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. - Phyllis Diller

There's no environment I can think of that would have remained constant enough to preserve dinosaur DNA. - Hendrik Poinar

My parents have been visiting me for a few days. I just dropped them off at the airport. They leave tomorrow. - Margaret Smith

I don't think he's gonna come Edith. He just ain't got none of that, waddya call, family unconscious. - Archie Bunker

The practical importance of the preservation of our forests is augmented by their relations to climate, soil and streams. - John Muir

The family, that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor in our innermost hearts never quite wish to. - Dodie Smith

How shall a man escape from his ancestors, or draw off from his veins the black drop which he drew from his father’s or mother's life? - Ralph Waldo Emerson

A man finds room in the few square inches of the face for the traits of all his ancestors; for the expression of all his history, and his wants. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Our babies are like penguins; penguin babies can't exist unless more than one person is taking care of them. They just can't keep going. - Alison Gopnik


see also   Family  &  Relationship  Sections
A Woman’s Mind
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Everything Men Know About Women
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My Ex-Wife, The Pilot
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The Origin of the White Wedding Dress
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What Did You Just Say?
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25-Sep-2018