Doing The Job Right

Arrival of the proxy father


The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a proxy or surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.” Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

“Good morning madam. I’ve come to...”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs.Smith cut in.
“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”
“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”

“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot of ...” gasped Mrs. Smith.

“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”
“Don’t I know it,” Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.”
“Oh my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
“Yes,” the photographer said. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached, and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, um, equipment?” 
“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”
“Tripod?”
“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?...”




QuotaBills
By ancestry, I was born to rule. - Nelson Mandela

Burn rubber, not your soul, baby. - Craig Fernandez

You live as long as you are remembered. - Russian Proverb

The rich man has more relations than he knows. - French Proverb

I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world. - Bill Watterson

Take it from me, parents just don't understand. - Will Smith

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children. - Sam Levenson

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. - Erma Bombeck

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. - Greg Norman

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. - WC Fields

I'm super laid back. I'm from Texas. I love my family. - Selena Gomez

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. - Rodney Dangerfield

Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to people better than you are. - John G. Pollard

Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family. - Homer Simpson

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. - Rodney Dangerfield

Work is the least important thing and family is the most important. - Jerry Seinfeld

If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you. - Dick Cavett

You can't choose your ancestors, and neither can your descendants. - Unknown

After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations. - Oscar Wilde

Baby: a loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other. - Ronald Knox

Live so you won't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. - Will Rogers

The meek shall inherit the world, but they'll never increase market share. - William G McGowan

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. - Fred Allen

No Chinese Catholics are allowed to worship ancestors in their familial temples. - Pope Clement XI

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. - Dave Barry

My parents treated my like I had a brain - which, in turn, caused me to have one. - Diane Lane

A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures. - Daniel Webster

My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take. - Rita Rudner

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter

If newborn babies could speak they would be the most intelligent beings on planet earth. - Jaden Smith

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children. - Dave Barry

Genetic Engineering: A recent attempt to formalize what farmers have been doing all along. - Unknown

The baby bat
Screamed out in fright,
'Turn on the dark,
I'm afraid of the light.' - Shel Silverstein

There is no king who has not had a slave among his ancestors, and no slave who has not had a king among his. - Helen Keller

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold. - Ogden Nash

A sense of duty is useful in work but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not to be endured with patient resignation. - Bertrand Russell

Clay. It's rain, dead leaves, dust, all my dead ancestors. Stones that have been ground into sand. Mud. The whole cycle of life and death. - Martine Vermeulen

A man finds room in the few square inches of the face for the traits of all his ancestors; for the expression of all his history, and his wants. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Our ancestors believed in magic, prayers, trickery, browbeating and bullying. I think it would be fair to sum that up as 'Irish politics'. - Flann O'Brien

I can't help detesting my relations. I suppose it comes from the fact that none of us can stand other people having the same faults as ourselves. - Oscar Wilde


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15-Jul-2019