1:00 am - Alarm clock rings.
2:00 am - Hunting partner arrives - drags you out of bed.
3:00 am - Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup.
3:05 am - Leave for the deep woods.
3:15 am - Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 am - Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 am - Set up camp - forgot the tent.
4:30 am - Head into the woods.
6:05 am - See eight deer.
6:06 am - Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 am - “Click”.
6:08 am - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 am - Head back to camp.
9:00 am - Still looking for camp.
10:00 am - Realize you don’t know where camp is.
Noon - Fire gun for help - eat wild berries.
12:15 pm - Ran out of bullets - eight deer come back.
12:20 pm - Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 pm - Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 pm - Rescued.
12:55 pm - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 pm - Arrived back in camp.
3:30 pm - Leave camp to shoot deer.
4:00 pm - Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 pm - Load gun - leave camp again.
5:00 pm - Empty gun on squirrel that’s bugging you.
6:00 pm - Arrive at camp - see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 pm - Load gun.
6:02 pm - Fire gun.
6:03 pm - One dead pickup truck.
6:05 pm - Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 pm - Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 pm - Fall into fire.
6:10 pm - Change clothes - throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 pm - Take pickup - leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 pm - Pickup boils over - hole shot in block.
6:26 pm - Start walking.
6:30 pm - Stumble and fall - drop gun in the mud.
6:35 pm - Meet bear.
6:36 pm - Take aim.
6:37 pm - Fire gun - blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 pm - Make mess in pants.
6:39 pm - Climb tree.
9:00 pm - Bear departs - wrap %&*$# gun around tree.
Midnight - Home at last.
Next day - Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces - place in envelope and mail to Game Warden with very clear instructions on where to place it.
Hunters do it with a big bang. - Unknown
Never shoot more than you can eat. - Unknown
Deer hunters will do anything for a buck. - Unknown
He who has no falcon must hunt with an owl. - Danish Proverb
Old hunters never die, they just stay loaded. - Unknown
Don't think to hunt two hares with one dog. - Benjamin Franklin
Aim high and you won’t shoot your foot off. - Phyllis Diller
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? - Steven Wright
Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself. - Unknown
Big shots are only little shots who keep shooting. - Christopher Morley
Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best. - Oscar Wilde
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. - George Burns
Fox hunting is the unspeakable in pursuit of the inedible. - Oscar Wilde
You know, I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters. - Groucho Marx
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? - Steven Wright
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? - George Carlin
The perils of duck hunting are great - especially for the duck. - Walter Cronkite
Vegetarian: an old Indian word for "doesn't hunt well." - Paul Harvey
Golf is a game in which you yell fore, shoot six, and write down five. - Paul Harvey
Shoot a few scenes out of focus. I want to win the foreign film award. - Billy Wilder
If you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport. - Elayne Boosler
Grandchildren are God's rewards to grandparents for not shooting their children. - Unknown
I'm a Catholic deer hunter. I am happy to be clinging to my guns and my religion. - Paul Ryan
Though so trifling, the success of our first Buffalo hunt gave us quite a social lift. - Ernest T. Seton
While I love shooting in New York City, I look forward to filming season six in Los Angeles. - Donald Trump
Attitude is everything - shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll be among the stars. - Les Brown
Consultants are people who come down from the hill to shoot the wounded after the battle is over. - Doc Blakeley
A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it. - Groucho Marx
A critic is someone who never actually goes to the battle, yet who afterwards comes out shooting the wounded. - Tyne Daly
I became hooked on the idea of being able to shoot an image and process it myself, and end up with a product. - Leonard Nimoy
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. - Tim Vine
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. - Bjarne Stroustrup
I was court-martialled in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. - Brendan Behan
When you hunt animals, you may succeed or not. But when you open the fridge, you will succeed a hundred percent of the time. - Nora Volkow
You've probably got a device on you that can shoot decent video, so what's stopping you? Capture and share some moments. - Steve Garfield
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. - Steven Wright
I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn't lose any voters, okay? It's, like, incredible. - Donald Trump
When I came back to Dublin, I was courtmartialled in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. - Brendan Behan
There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. - Ernest Hemingway
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