Hunter’s Diary

A day in the life of a Redneck hunter


1:00 am - Alarm clock rings.
2:00 am - Hunting partner arrives - drags you out of bed.
3:00 am - Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup.
3:05 am - Leave for the deep woods.
3:15 am - Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 am - Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 am - Set up camp - forgot the tent.
4:30 am - Head into the woods.
6:05 am - See eight deer.
6:06 am - Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 am - “Click”.
6:08 am - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 am - Head back to camp.
9:00 am - Still looking for camp.
10:00 am - Realize you don’t know where camp is.
Noon - Fire gun for help - eat wild berries.
12:15 pm - Ran out of bullets - eight deer come back.
12:20 pm - Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 pm - Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 pm - Rescued.
12:55 pm - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 pm - Arrived back in camp.
3:30 pm - Leave camp to shoot deer.
4:00 pm - Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 pm - Load gun - leave camp again.
5:00 pm - Empty gun on squirrel that’s bugging you.
6:00 pm - Arrive at camp - see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 pm - Load gun.
6:02 pm - Fire gun.
6:03 pm - One dead pickup truck.
6:05 pm - Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 pm - Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 pm - Fall into fire.
6:10 pm - Change clothes - throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 pm - Take pickup - leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 pm - Pickup boils over - hole shot in block.
6:26 pm - Start walking.
6:30 pm - Stumble and fall - drop gun in the mud.
6:35 pm - Meet bear.
6:36 pm - Take aim.
6:37 pm - Fire gun - blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 pm - Make mess in pants.
6:39 pm - Climb tree.
9:00 pm - Bear departs - wrap %&*$# gun around tree.
Midnight - Home at last.
Next day - Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces - place in envelope and mail to Game Warden with very clear instructions on where to place it.




QuotaBills
Hunters do it with a big bang. - Unknown

Never shoot more than you can eat. - Unknown

Deer hunters will do anything for a buck. - Unknown

He who has no falcon must hunt with an owl. - Danish Proverb

Old hunters never die, they just stay loaded. - Unknown

Don't think to hunt two hares with one dog. - Benjamin Franklin

Aim high and you won’t shoot your foot off. - Phyllis Diller

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? - Steven Wright

Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself. - Unknown

Big shots are only little shots who keep shooting. - Christopher Morley

Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best. - Oscar Wilde

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. - George Burns

Fox hunting is the unspeakable in pursuit of the inedible. - Oscar Wilde

You know, I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters. - Groucho Marx

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? - Steven Wright

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? - George Carlin

The perils of duck hunting are great - especially for the duck. - Walter Cronkite

Vegetarian: an old Indian word for "doesn't hunt well." - Paul Harvey

Golf is a game in which you yell fore, shoot six, and write down five. - Paul Harvey

Shoot a few scenes out of focus. I want to win the foreign film award. - Billy Wilder

If you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport. - Elayne Boosler

Grandchildren are God's rewards to grandparents for not shooting their children. - Unknown

I'm a Catholic deer hunter. I am happy to be clinging to my guns and my religion. - Paul Ryan

Though so trifling, the success of our first Buffalo hunt gave us quite a social lift. - Ernest T. Seton

While I love shooting in New York City, I look forward to filming season six in Los Angeles. - Donald Trump

Attitude is everything - shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll be among the stars. - Les Brown

Consultants are people who come down from the hill to shoot the wounded after the battle is over. - Doc Blakeley

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it. - Groucho Marx

A critic is someone who never actually goes to the battle, yet who afterwards comes out shooting the wounded. - Tyne Daly

I became hooked on the idea of being able to shoot an image and process it myself, and end up with a product. - Leonard Nimoy

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. - Tim Vine

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. - Bjarne Stroustrup

I was court-martialled in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. - Brendan Behan

When you hunt animals, you may succeed or not. But when you open the fridge, you will succeed a hundred percent of the time. - Nora Volkow

You've probably got a device on you that can shoot decent video, so what's stopping you? Capture and share some moments. - Steve Garfield

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. - Steven Wright

I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn't lose any voters, okay? It's, like, incredible. - Donald Trump

When I came back to Dublin, I was courtmartialled in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. - Brendan Behan

There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. - Ernest Hemingway


see also   Hunting  Section
Antler Field
Deer Hunter Tattoo
Fawntastic Deer Camouflage
How To Cook A Deer
How To Make A Deer Stand
Hunter’s Dream Wedding
Mounted Deer Antlers
Redneck Beer Hunter
Redneck Bird Dogs
Redneck Deer Hunters
Redneck Deer Stand
Redneck Motorcycle Hunter
Redneck Porch Hunter
Redneck Wedding
Snow Camo
Stuck Redneck Moose Hunters
When The Deer Hunt The Hunters

 

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23-Oct-2018