If Men Really Ruled
Nodding and
looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a
little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide
down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go
pillage a nearby town.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant
foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate
Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a
Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the
following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually
reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the
place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.