Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A: Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.
Q: Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat?
A: Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking.
Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A: Have sex once a year.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.
Q: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.
Q: Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I can’t go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A: Depends on what you’re doing with them.
Q: What is a chastity belt?
A: A labor-saving device.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
Q: My blood type is O-positive and my husband’s is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A: Then the jig is up.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: ’Cause you’re fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?
Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
Q: What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning?
A: It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
A: When it’s a girl, for starters.
Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A: In your breasts.
Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A: Yes, baby lips.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: How does one sanitize nipples?
A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q: What are the terrible twos?
A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A: Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
Q: Nannies aren’t cheap are they?
A: Not usually, but occasionally you’ll find a floozy.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
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