- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
- I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
- I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
- My neighbour has a circular driveway. He can’t get out.
- I bought some powdered water, but I didn’t know what to add.
- I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
- I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now, but leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”
- I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
- I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.
- I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
- It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.
- If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
- You can’t have everything... where would you put it?
- Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
- While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, “Do I know you?”
- I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.
- On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.
- One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”
- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.
- Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
- I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you’d notice. It’s just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
- I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Birthday & Language Sections
Annual Meeting of Women Drivers
The Three Stooges In And Out Of Character
Hold On, Let Me Catch The Ball
Big Hands Baby
Fire Truck Sinkhole
I Sea Drums
Statue of Libertea
Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner Burrito
Commas Save Lives
Never Give Up
Girl Sitting or Boy Hugging?
The Domino's Effect