Resumé Bloopers
How to avoid getting hired

“As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.”

“Finished eighth in my class of ten.”

“I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.”

“I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.”

“I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.”

“I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.”

“Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.”

“It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”

“Let’s meet, so you can “ooh” and “aah” over my experience.”

“Martial status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.”

“Personal interests: Donating blood. Fifteen gallons so far.”

“Please don’t misconstrue my 13 jobs as “job-hopping.” I have never quit a job.”

“Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave.”

“Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:30 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.”

“Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”

“The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.”

“Wholly responsible for two failed financial institutions.”

“You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.”


see also   Business,   Daffynitions,  Language,  Office,
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18-Jan-2019