A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Acupuncture is a jab well done - that’s the point of it.
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Broken pencils are pointless.
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
Earthquake in Washington - obviously government’s fault.
Energizer battery arrested. Charged with battery.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
It was the day of rest, so I had to work hard to create a void in order to avoid a rest.
Joe-ks about German sausage are the wurst.
PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.
Police were called to a day care Centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
When chemists die, they barium.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When you’ve seen one Shopping Centre you’ve seen a mall.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
Lexophile: one who has a love for words
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