April 30th...
Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is a state
that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a
place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've
finally found my home. I love it here.
May 14th...
Really heating up. Got to 89° today. Not a problem, I live in an air-conditioned
home and drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day
like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.
June 5th...
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks.
What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE SHOVELING SNOW EITHER!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 1st...
The temperature hasn't been below 90° all week, not even at night. Where are
those ocean breezes we heard about? Still seems hot. Getting used to it will
take a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP collection, though. I'll have to
remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car. Got one of those
fuzzy steering wheel covers - cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands. I
always wondered what burnt flesh smelled like.
July 15th...
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two
days of work - what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though - got to
respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th...
I miss our cat, Abby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning. By the
time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he'd swollen up to the size of a
shopping bag and just as I opened the door he exploded all over $2,000 worth of
leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles
and poop. No more pets in this heat!
July 25th...
Ocean breezes, my [#@!$]. Hot is hot! The home air conditioner is on the fritz
and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order
parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a hurricane.
July 30th...
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the swamp
mosquitoes that are as big as B-52's. $1,500 in darn house payments and we can't
even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug 4th...
100°... Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets
the temperature down to about 90°. The electric bill is almost as much as the
house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me off the road. I hate this
state.
Aug 8th...
If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to tear his
head off. [#@!$] heat! By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over,
my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Garfield!
Aug 10th...
The weather report might as well be a [#@!$] recording: Hot and sunny. It's been
too hot for two #@*& months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next
week. And whoever came up with the statement, "it may be hot, but at least you
don't have to shovel it" should die from heat exhaustion. Doesn't it ever rain
in this God-forsaken place?
Aug 12th...
Welcome to Hell... Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack the window and
blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said,
"Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to
bail me out of jail.
Aug 13th...
Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rains finally
came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell and drove the damned
roaches out of the ground. I wasn't aware they could fly!
Aug 14th...
Welcome to Hurricane Charley - the Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the
Caribbean with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving back to
Toronto where all you have to worry about is getting mugged.
I hope this state breaks in half and floats to Cuba.
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