12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
Marry money. - Max Shulman

Money is just an idea. - Robert T. Kiyosaki

Kind words cost nothing. - Unknown

Every crowd has a silver lining. - P.T. Barnum

Money doesn't talk, it swears. - Bob Dylan

A fool and his money are soon elected. - Will Rogers

Life is a game. Money is how we keep score. - Ted Turner

The rich are different - they have more money. - Ernest Hemingway

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. - WC Fields

Wind to a sailor is what money is to life on shore. - Sterling Hayden

To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. - W.J. Vogel

Money does not make you happy but it quiets the nerves. - Sean O Casey

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. - George Burns

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. - Steven Wright

Enjoy money while you have it. Shrouds don't have pockets. - Virginia Esberg

If money is your hope for independence, you will never have it. - Henry Ford

The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it. - Jay Leno

Britain's last gold medal was a bronze in 1952 in Helsinki. - Nigel Starmer-Smith

As every thread of gold is valuable, so is every moment of time. - J. Mason

If a little money does not go out, great money will not come in. - Chinese Proverb

I like gold because it is a stabilizer; it is an insurance policy. - Kevin O'Leary

Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a bookmark? - Steven Spielberg

Never criticize Americans. They have the best taste that money can buy. - Miles Kington

If we were interested in making money, we wouldn’t have become teachers. - Robin Williams

Architect: One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money. - Ambrose Bierce

The rich take life one financial year at a time. The poor take life one meal at a time. - Mokokoma Mokhonoana

People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it. - Jay Leno

Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted; the trouble is, I don't know which half. - John Wannamaker

Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have the time or the money to do it right. - Kurt H Adler

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint. - Don Marquis

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have. - Ernest Haskins

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it. - Stephen Leacock

We are all born with a grab bag on gifts and gaps. Identify your true talents, then find out how to use them to make money. - Bill O'Reilly

Modern poets talk against business, poor things, but all of us write for money. Beginners are subjected to trial by market. - Robert Frost

Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost. - James Thurber

NEED now means wanting someone else's money. GREED means wanting to keep your own. COMPASSION is when a politician arranges the transfer. - Joseph Sobran

NBC News just called it "The Great Freeze" - coldest weather in years. Is our country still spending money on the global warming hoax? - Donald Trump

A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm. - Bill Vaughan

If you have more money than brains, you should focus on outbound marketing. If you have more brains than money, you should focus on inbound marketing. - Guy Kawasaki


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
Business School Basics
Defence Budget Cuts
Formula For Success - MBA 101
Financial Planning for Retirement
Gold Bar Carrot Cake
Gold Finger Seating
Grandma Protection
Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
Trillion Dollar Man
Where Business Meets IT
Working For Retirement

 

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20-Aug-2018