12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
Marry money. - Max Shulman

Kind words cost nothing. - Unknown

Money often costs too much. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Money won is twice as sweet as money earned. - Martin Scorsese

The rich are different - they have more money. - Ernest Hemingway

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept. - Samuel Butler

If you marry for money you will earn every penny. - Dr. Phil McGraw

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. - Steven Wright

Print some money and give it to us for the rain forests. - Vivienne Westwood

Being rich is having money, being wealthy is having time. - Stephen Swid

Forgiveness is a gift of high value. Yet its cost is nothing. - Betty Smith

Britain's last gold medal was a bronze in 1952 in Helsinki. - Nigel Starmer-Smith

Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau. - Irving Fisher

As every thread of gold is valuable, so is every moment of time. - J. Mason

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect. - Steven Wright

He can't help it - he was born with a silver foot in his mouth. - George HW Bush

I have no money, no resources, no hopes. I am the happiest man alive. - Henry Miller

The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down. - Flip Wilson

Money can't buy you friends, but you can get a better class of enemy. - Spike Milligan

Gentility is what is left over from rich ancestors after the money is gone. - John Ciardi

Success is having to worry about every damn thing in the world, except money. - Johnny Cash

Health is like money - we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it. - Josh Billings

I don't follow trends. I make each cake for a particular wedding, or event. - Ron Ben-Israel

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. - Kin Hubbard

It's better to do nothing with your money than something you don't understand. - Suze Orman

The rich take life one financial year at a time. The poor take life one meal at a time. - Mokokoma Mokhonoana

If you want to find money, focus on people. If you want to lose people, focus on money. - Rob Liano

To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it. - George Bernard Shaw

Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money. - Jules Renard

The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated. - H L Mencken

Beware of those who would pay you lip service but refuse to put their money where their mouths are. - Faydra D. Fields

If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them, and half as much money. - Abigail Van Buren

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks. - Barrymore

People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams. - Norman Cousins

We are going as fast as we can as soon as we can. We're in a race against time, until we run out of money. - Jack Nicholson

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. - Sam Ewing

Modern poets talk against business, poor things, but all of us write for money. Beginners are subjected to trial by market. - Robert Frost

Only when the last tree has withered, and the last fish caught, and the last river been poisoned, will we realize we cannot eat money. - Cree Proverb

We spend money we don't have, on things we don't need, to make impressions that don't last, on people we don't care about. - Tim Jackson

I have respect for Senator McCain. I used to like him a lot. I supported him. I raised a lot of money for his campaign against President Obama. - Donald Trump


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
Business School Basics
Defence Budget Cuts
Formula For Success - MBA 101
Financial Planning for Retirement
Gold Bar Carrot Cake
Gold Finger Seating
Grandma Protection
Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
Trillion Dollar Man
Where Business Meets IT
Working For Retirement

 

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23-Feb-2018