12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
He buries gold who hides the truth. - Pythagoras

A fool and his money are soon parted. - English Proverb

A fool and his money are soon elected. - Will Rogers

Stocks do not move unless they are pushed. - S Jay Levin

The cost of living is high, but it's worth it. - Unknown

Education costs money. But then so does ignorance. - Sir Claus Moser

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. - Kathleen Norris

Government always finds a need for whatever money it gets. - Ronald Reagan

Capitalism is using its money; we socialists throw it away. - Fidel Castro

Forgiveness is a gift of high value. Yet its cost is nothing. - Betty Smith

I was a great student at a great school, Wharton School of Finance. - Donald Trump

I have no money, no resources, no hopes. I am the happiest man alive. - Henry Miller

How much money does it take to make a man happy? Just one more dollar. - John D. Rockefeller

Invest in the human soul. Who knows, it might be a diamond in the rough. - Mary McLeod Bethune

Money can't buy you friends, but you can get a better class of enemy. - Spike Milligan

After I make a lot of money, I'll be able to afford running for office. - Christy Romano

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. - Aristotle Onassis

I want to be a millionaire not for the money but for the woman I will become. - Jaime Tardy

I don't follow trends. I make each cake for a particular wedding, or event. - Ron Ben-Israel

In our world, more often the truth is 'Money talks and integrity walks.' - Bill Welker

I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars... the rest I squandered. - George Best

The rich take life one financial year at a time. The poor take life one meal at a time. - Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money. - Jules Renard

Politeness and consideration for others is like investing pennies and getting dollars back. - Thomas Sowell

The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated. - H L Mencken

I'm proud to be paying taxes. The only thing is, I could be just as proud for half the money. - Arthur Godfrey

Every two months, I would get an email, 'Skeleton Twins update: still don't have the money!' - Bill Hader

The fact remains that most of us are anesthetized to the true cost and true value of long term care insurance. - Michael Burgess

A good financial plan is a road map that shows us exactly how the choices we make today will affect our future. - Alexa Von Tobel

Anything which is physically possible can always be made financially possible; money is a bugaboo of small minds. - Robert A. Heinlein

Always remember money isn't everything - but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense. - Earl Wilson

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. - Joan Rivers

We are all born with a grab bag on gifts and gaps. Identify your true talents, then find out how to use them to make money. - Bill O'Reilly

Modern poets talk against business, poor things, but all of us write for money. Beginners are subjected to trial by market. - Robert Frost

I'm always interested in finding the new trend. If you love pizza every day, after 22 years of eating pizza, you want to try sushi. - Jean Pigozzi

I had very good dentures once. Some magnificent gold work. It's the only form of jewelry a man can wear that women fully appreciate. - Graham Greene

The politicians in Washington are spending trillions of dollars of our money. When are Americans going to stand up and say enough is enough? - Joe Wurzelbacher

Money is like gasoline during a road trip. You don't want to run out of gas on your trip, but you're not doing a tour of gas stations. - Tim O'Reilly

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. - Will Rogers

If you have more money than brains, you should focus on outbound marketing. If you have more brains than money, you should focus on inbound marketing. - Guy Kawasaki


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
Business School Basics
Defence Budget Cuts
Formula For Success - MBA 101
Financial Planning for Retirement
Gold Bar Carrot Cake
Gold Finger Seating
Grandma Protection
Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
Trillion Dollar Man
Where Business Meets IT
Working For Retirement

 

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26-May-2018