12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
Kind words cost nothing. - Unknown

Money often costs too much. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Every cloud has a silver lining. - Proverb

He buries gold who hides the truth. - Pythagoras

Virtue was never as respectable as money. - Mark Twain

Here's the money for our patentcy (patent). - Archie Bunker

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept. - Samuel Butler

Never invest in a business you cannot understand. - Warren Buffet

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo. - Groucho Marx

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. - Steven Wright

I can't afford to die - I'd lose too much money. - George Burns

Print some money and give it to us for the rain forests. - Vivienne Westwood

Those have a short Lent who owe money to be paid at Easter. - Benjamin Franklin

Spare no expense to make everything as economical as possible. - Samuel Goldwyn

A wise man should have money in his head, but not in his heart. - Jonathan Swift

Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells. - J Paul Getty

The key to making money in stocks is not to get scared out of them. - Peter Lynch

I was a great student at a great school, Wharton School of Finance. - Donald Trump

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. - Bob Hope

I am fiercely loyal to those willing to put their money where my mouth is. - Paul Harvey

Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated. - Will Rogers

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. (Friend or Money!) - Unknown

It's better to do nothing with your money than something you don't understand. - Suze Orman

Enthusiasm is the greatest asset in the world. It beats money and power and influence. - Henry Chester

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. - Bob Hope

The rich take life one financial year at a time. The poor take life one meal at a time. - Mokokoma Mokhonoana

God gives men wisdom as he gives them gold; his treasure house is not the mint, but the mine. - Arabic Proverb

Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted; the trouble is, I don't know which half. - John Wannamaker

Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have the time or the money to do it right. - Kurt H Adler

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. - David Letterman

The only reason I'm in Hollywood is that I don't have the moral courage to refuse the money. - Marlon Brando

Money frees you from doing things you dislike.
Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. - Groucho Marx

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat

The whole trend and quality of anyone's life is determined in the long run by the choices that are made. - Norman Vincent Peale

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks. - Barrymore

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. - Jim Bishop

Her capacity for family affection is extraordinary: when her third husband died, her hair turned quite gold from grief. - Oscar Wilde

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey

Only when the last tree has withered, and the last fish caught, and the last river been poisoned, will we realize we cannot eat money. - Cree Proverb

I have respect for Senator McCain. I used to like him a lot. I supported him. I raised a lot of money for his campaign against President Obama. - Donald Trump


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
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Gold Finger Seating
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Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
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Where Business Meets IT
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24-Jun-2019