12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
Money doesn't talk, it swears. - Bob Dylan

I can't afford to die - I'd lose too much money. - George Burns

Being rich is having money, being wealthy is having time. - Stephen Swid

After money in the bank, a grudge is the next best thing. - Anthony Trollope

I don't like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves. - Joe Louis

Capitalism is using its money; we socialists throw it away. - Fidel Castro

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. - Steven Wright

I'd like to live like a poor man, only with lots of money. - Pablo Picasso

If money is your hope for independence, you will never have it. - Henry Ford

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repairing. - Billy Rose

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. - J Paul Getty

Business? It's quite simple. It's other people's money. - Alexandre Dumas

The way to make money is to buy when blood is running in the streets. - John D. Rockefeller

The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds - they mature slowly. - Peter deVries

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. - Bob Hope

The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. - Joey Adams

I am fiercely loyal to those willing to put their money where my mouth is. - Paul Harvey

There is no money in poetry, but then there is no poetry in money, either. - Robert Graves

Money can't buy happiness, but it helps you look for it in more places. - Milton Berle

I want to be a millionaire not for the money but for the woman I will become. - Jaime Tardy

Borrowed thoughts, like borrowed money, only show the poverty of the borrower. - Lady Marguerite Blessington

Happiness resides not in possessions, and not in gold, happiness dwells in the soul. - Democritus

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. - Dorothy Parker

Enthusiasm is the greatest asset in the world. It beats money and power and influence. - Henry Chester

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. - Bob Hope

To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it. - George Bernard Shaw

It's not the cost of the book. It's what it may cost you not to buy and read it. - Jim Rohn

Shopping: The fine art of acquiring things you don't need with money you don't have. - Unknown

Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted; the trouble is, I don't know which half. - John Wannamaker

The man who leaves money to charity in his will is only giving away what no longer belongs to him. - Voltaire

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks. - Barrymore

We are going as fast as we can as soon as we can. We're in a race against time, until we run out of money. - Jack Nicholson

Money was never a big motivation for me, except as a way to keep score. The real excitement is playing the game. - Donald Trump

Always remember money isn't everything - but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense. - Earl Wilson

A democracy is a place where numerous elections are held at great cost without issues and with interchangeable candidates. - Gore Vidal

A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine; something Brussels Sprouts never do. - P.J. O'Rourke

What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do. - Bob Dylan

A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm. - Bill Vaughan

If you have more money than brains, you should focus on outbound marketing. If you have more brains than money, you should focus on inbound marketing. - Guy Kawasaki


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
Business School Basics
Defence Budget Cuts
Formula For Success - MBA 101
Financial Planning for Retirement
Gold Bar Carrot Cake
Gold Finger Seating
Grandma Protection
Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
Trillion Dollar Man
Where Business Meets IT
Working For Retirement

 

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17-Feb-2019