12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
Every cloud has a silver lining. - Proverb

Bloods’ not thicker than money. - Groucho Marx

Virtue was never as respectable as money. - Mark Twain

Here's the money for our patentcy (patent). - Archie Bunker

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept. - Samuel Butler

Never invest emergency savings in the stock market. - Suze Orman

To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. - W.J. Vogel

Fidelity bought with money can be overcome by money. - Seneca

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it. - Mark Twain

I can't afford to die - I'd lose too much money. - George Burns

I don't like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves. - Joe Louis

Those have a short Lent who owe money to be paid at Easter. - Benjamin Franklin

When a habit begins to cost money, it's called a hobby. - Jewish Proverb

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect. - Steven Wright

I have no money, no resources, no hopes. I am the happiest man alive. - Henry Miller

The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds - they mature slowly. - Peter deVries

Money can't buy happiness, but it helps you look for it in more places. - Milton Berle

One of the major goals of health insurance reform is to bring down the cost. - Valerie Jarrett

I want to be a millionaire not for the money but for the woman I will become. - Jaime Tardy

The flood of money that gushes into politics today is a pollution of democracy. - Theodore White

Architect: One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money. - Ambrose Bierce

Every dollar you invest in your personal development adds 30 to your bottom line. - Brian Tracy

France is a country where the money falls apart but you can't tear the toilet paper. - Billy Wilder

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

Shopping: The fine art of acquiring things you don't need with money you don't have. - Unknown

It would be nice if the poor were to get even half of the money that is spent in studying them. - Bill Vaughan

Keep your eye out for hot topics and trends. The media is constantly looking for timely stories. - Jim Kukral

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. - Unknown

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have. - Ernest Haskins

The next woman who gets hold of me is gonna light up like a pinball machine and pay off in silver dollars. - Jack Nicholson

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one. - Homer Simpson

People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams. - Norman Cousins

No one has yet had the courage to memorialize his wealth on his tombstone. A dollar mark would not look well there. - Corra May Harris

Keeping books on social aid is capitalistic nonsense. I just use the money for the poor. I can't stop to count it. - Evita Peron

We are all born with a grab bag on gifts and gaps. Identify your true talents, then find out how to use them to make money. - Bill O'Reilly

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea. - Woody Allen

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire

I'm always interested in finding the new trend. If you love pizza every day, after 22 years of eating pizza, you want to try sushi. - Jean Pigozzi

We spend money we don't have, on things we don't need, to make impressions that don't last, on people we don't care about. - Tim Jackson


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
Business School Basics
Defence Budget Cuts
Formula For Success - MBA 101
Financial Planning for Retirement
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Gold Finger Seating
Grandma Protection
Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
Trillion Dollar Man
Where Business Meets IT
Working For Retirement

 

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21-Oct-2019