12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
Gentlemen prefer bonds. - Andrew Mellon

Money often costs too much. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Every cloud has a silver lining. - Proverb

When money speaks, truth keeps silent. - Russian Proverb

A fool and his money are soon elected. - Will Rogers

Money: the poor man's credit card. - Marshal McLuhan

Stocks do not move unless they are pushed. - S Jay Levin

Yacht: a floating box you throw money into. - Unknown

Here's the money for our patentcy (patent). - Archie Bunker

A grandfather carries pictures where his money used to be. - Joe-kster

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? - George Carlin

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. - Henny Youngman

Government always finds a need for whatever money it gets. - Ronald Reagan

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. - Steven Wright

A wise man should have money in his head, but not in his heart. - Jonathan Swift

Britain's last gold medal was a bronze in 1952 in Helsinki. - Nigel Starmer-Smith

Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau. - Irving Fisher

As every thread of gold is valuable, so is every moment of time. - J. Mason

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repairing. - Billy Rose

I don't trust a bank that would lend money to such a poor risk. - Robert Benchley

I can remember way back when a liberal was generous with his own money. - Will Rogers

Will you marry me? Do you have any money?
Answer the second question first. - Groucho Marx

I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars... the rest I squandered. - George Best

Every dollar you invest in your personal development adds 30 to your bottom line. - Brian Tracy

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. (Friend or Money!) - Unknown

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. - Kin Hubbard

The principal benefit acting has afforded me is the money to pay for my psychoanalysis. - Marlon Brando

France is a country where the money falls apart but you can't tear the toilet paper. - Billy Wilder

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint. - Don Marquis

The man who leaves money to charity in his will is only giving away what no longer belongs to him. - Voltaire

The next woman who gets hold of me is gonna light up like a pinball machine and pay off in silver dollars. - Jack Nicholson

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it. - Stephen Leacock

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks. - Barrymore

People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams. - Norman Cousins

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. - G. Gordon Liddy

Keeping books on social aid is capitalistic nonsense. I just use the money for the poor. I can't stop to count it. - Evita Peron

Tooth decay was a perennial problem that meant a mouthful of silver for patients, and for dentists a pocketful of gold. - Claudia Wallis

What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do. - Bob Dylan

Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't need to advertise it. - Will Rogers


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
Business School Basics
Defence Budget Cuts
Formula For Success - MBA 101
Financial Planning for Retirement
Gold Bar Carrot Cake
Gold Finger Seating
Grandma Protection
Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
Trillion Dollar Man
Where Business Meets IT
Working For Retirement

 

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15-Nov-2018