12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
Kind words cost nothing. - Unknown

Bloods’ not thicker than money. - Groucho Marx

When money speaks, truth keeps silent. - Russian Proverb

Virtue was never as respectable as money. - Mark Twain

A TV licence is a licence to print money. - Roy Thomson

The rich are different - they have more money. - Ernest Hemingway

To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. - W.J. Vogel

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. - George Burns

I can't afford to die - I'd lose too much money. - George Burns

Where you stumble and fall, there you discover the gold. - Joseph Campbell

A wise man should have money in his head, but not in his heart. - Jonathan Swift

The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it. - Jay Leno

Britain's last gold medal was a bronze in 1952 in Helsinki. - Nigel Starmer-Smith

I was a great student at a great school, Wharton School of Finance. - Donald Trump

I have no money, no resources, no hopes. I am the happiest man alive. - Henry Miller

A billion here, a billion there - pretty soon it adds up to real money. - Everett Dirksen

Money can't buy you friends, but you can get a better class of enemy. - Spike Milligan

The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. - Joey Adams

I don't care how much money you have, free stuff is always a good thing. - Queen Latifah

The man who never has money to pay his debts has too much of something else. - J.L. Basford

The principal benefit acting has afforded me is the money to pay for my psychoanalysis. - Marlon Brando

Politeness and consideration for others is like investing pennies and getting dollars back. - Thomas Sowell

God gives men wisdom as he gives them gold; his treasure house is not the mint, but the mine. - Arabic Proverb

The cost of praising someone is nil - but every psychological study shows the payoff is huge. - Harvey Mackay

Money itself doesn't interest me. But you must make money to go on building the business. - Rupert Murdoch

I do not think there is any silver bullet to solving the technology side of the security equation. - John W. Thompson

It is not the employer who pays wages; he only handles the money. It is the product that pays wages. - Henry Ford

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have. - Ernest Haskins

The next woman who gets hold of me is gonna light up like a pinball machine and pay off in silver dollars. - Jack Nicholson

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks. - Barrymore

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I'll ever need if I die tomorrow. - Henny Youngman

Tooth decay was a perennial problem that meant a mouthful of silver for patients, and for dentists a pocketful of gold. - Claudia Wallis

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea. - Woody Allen

A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine; something Brussels Sprouts never do. - P.J. O'Rourke

Money isn't the most important thing in life, but it's reasonably close to oxygen on the "gotta have it" scale. - Zig Ziglar

How you spend your time is more important than how you spend your money. Money mistakes can be corrected, but time is gone forever. - David B. Norris

Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't need to advertise it. - Will Rogers

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. - Will Rogers

NBC News just called it "The Great Freeze" - coldest weather in years. Is our country still spending money on the global warming hoax? - Donald Trump


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
Business School Basics
Defence Budget Cuts
Formula For Success - MBA 101
Financial Planning for Retirement
Gold Bar Carrot Cake
Gold Finger Seating
Grandma Protection
Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
Trillion Dollar Man
Where Business Meets IT
Working For Retirement

 

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21-Aug-2019