A guy goes into his dentist’s office, because something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, “Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?” “Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I’m talkin’ DELICIOUS! I’ve never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I’ve been putting it on everything... meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!”
“That’s probably it,” replied the dentist “Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as thought I’ll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time.”
“Why chrome?” the man asked.
“Well, everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”
The remaining local ranchers, headed by the cattle baroness Clare D. Looney, eventually monopolized the stock business to the point where the only competition (two Chinese immigrants - Lu Chim and Wu Ni) were forced to take drastic, but traditional action.
The stock kings were hung by Chim & Ni, with Clare.
It was Chanukah and the Tiny Village was in fear of not having any latkes because they had run out of flour. Rudi, the Rabbi, was called upon to help solve the problem.
He said, “Don’t worry. You can substitute matzo meal for the flour and latkes will be just as delicious!”
Sheila looks to her husband and says, “Morty... you think it’ll work?”
“Of course! As everybody knows, Rudolph, the Reb, knows grain, dear!”
Janet was traveling to Vancouver on business. Knowing how the winter weather is in Vancouver, and lacking the proper clothing, she went to a local outdoor shop to buy inclement weather clothing. Not finding what she was looking for at
several stores, a salesman finally suggested that she go to Rudolph’s.
“Rudolph’s?” Janet said. “Do you mean the Russian specialty store?”
To which the salesman answered, “Rudolph the Red knows rain gear.”
Along with the three wise men, the shepherds, and the others who showed up at the manger, there was also a fellow on a white charger, wearing a suit of armor. But he didn’t have as good a publicity agent as those other guys, so he never
got as famous as the others. In fact, only Christmas song celebrates his part in the proceedings, “O Holy Knight.”
While Christmas shopping at a local toy store, Barry came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As he scanned the line, he noticed his friend, Wally, waiting with all the others.
Knowing that Wally had no daughters or young relatives, Barry figured that Wally must like the dolls himself.
“Wally, I didn’t know you were a collector!”
“I’m not,” Wally replied.
“Then why are you standing in this long line?”
“Well, I’ve never been able to resist a barbie queue!”
As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, “Snort sniff honk honk snort!” coming from one of his reindeer. Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn’t know which one it was.
It happened again, only louder this time, “Snort sniff honk honk snort!”
Dogs in the neighbourhood began to bark.
“Shhh!” Santa hissed. “Please be quiet!”
He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time, “SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!”
Lights came on all over the neighbourhood, and some people even stuck their heads out of their windows.
Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer and announced, “We are not going to deliver another present until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his
nose steps forward and apologizes!”
None of the reindeer stepped forward.
Santa held up a piece of paper.
“I know who it is and I have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing on your own.”
Still none of the reindeer came forward.
So Santa did the only thing he could do...
He read off the rude-nosed reindeer...
One Christmas, Dan and Stan built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn’t cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.
“Look at that,” remarked Dan to Stan. “That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!”
Christmas & Pun Sections
Christmas Music Composer Puns
‘First’ Class Puns
Reaching Out Too Far
Rural Free Delivery
Fractured Foot or Hand?