Dieter’s Night Before Christmas

Marzipan Santa with chocolate reindeer

When Fannie May candles sneaked past my lips


‘Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips;
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care,
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps;
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter -
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox, then threw up the sash;

The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below;
When what to my wandering eyes should appear -
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!

That huge chunk of candy - so luscious and slick,
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick;
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer...
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear

“On Pritikin, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS” -
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox;
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall,
Now dash away pounds - now dash away all.

Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress,
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess;
My droll little mouth and my round little belly,
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.

I spoke not a word but went straight to my work,
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk…
And laying a finger beside my heartburn -
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.

I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry,
If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by…
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night,
In the morning I’ll starve... ’til I take that first bite!


QuotaBills
Smoking cures weight problems... eventually. - Steven Wright

A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. - Unknown

Tears at times have all the weight of speech. - Ovid

I'm not gaining weight. I'm living large. - Unknown

My weight is perfect for my height - which varies. - Unknown

Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it. - Unknown

Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow you may diet. - Unknown

There would be no Christmas if there was no Easter. - Gordon B. Hinckley

A balanced diet is a Cracker Jack cookie in each hand. - Joe-kster

Halloween starts earlier and earlier, just like Christmas. - Robert Englund

Whatsoever was the father of a disease, an ill diet was the mother. - George Herbert

My metabolism stinks. I can gain weight just listening to dinner music. - Ron Dentinger

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. - Totie Fields

No disease that can be treated by diet should be treated by any other means. - Maimonides

I gotta lose weight, Edith. I hope you remembered my diuretic cottage cheese. - Archie Bunker

Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. - Kin Hubbard

You can't lose weight by talking about it. You have to keep your mouth shut. - Old Farmer's Almanac

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift

If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie. - Jim Davis

If 'ifs and buts' were 'candy and nuts', we'd have Christmas every day. - Unknown

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks. - Joe E Lewis

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond. - Mae West

I'm on a strict liquid diet: Mimosas for breakfast, Margaritas for lunch, Martinis for dinner. - Unknown

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright

No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree. - Henny Youngman

Nobody can fail to lose weight in the jungle, unless they've got a secret stash of pork pies somewhere. - Colin Baker

Might make a real good Christmas present for the uninformed. The book is called 'Taking America Back.' - Paul Harvey

I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle

The first requisite of a good citizen in this republic of ours is that he shall be able and willing to pull his weight. - Theodore Roosevelt

A dark-chocolate truffle melts in my mouth, and I forget about everything else... even the fact that I'm on a diet. - Barbara Brooke

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned now to cook. - Andy Rooney

Did you read about Starbucks? No more "Merry Christmas" at Starbucks. No more. Maybe we should boycott Starbucks. - Donald Trump

I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets. It seems to me that they are wonderful things for other people to go on. - Jean Kerr

Confidence is beautiful, no matter your size, no matter your weight. Be confident in who you are and you'll be beautiful. - Unknown

The best way to lose weight is to close your mouth - something very difficult for a politician. Or watch your food - just watch it, don't eat it. - Edward I Kock


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27-May-2017