Dieter’s Night Before Christmas

Marzipan Santa with chocolate reindeer

When Fannie May candles sneaked past my lips


‘Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips;
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care,
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps;
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter -
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox, then threw up the sash;

The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below;
When what to my wandering eyes should appear -
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!

That huge chunk of candy - so luscious and slick,
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick;
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer...
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear

“On Pritikin, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS” -
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox;
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall,
Now dash away pounds - now dash away all.

Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress,
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess;
My droll little mouth and my round little belly,
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.

I spoke not a word but went straight to my work,
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk…
And laying a finger beside my heartburn -
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.

I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry,
If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by…
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night,
In the morning I’ll starve... ’til I take that first bite!


QuotaBills
My diet is like Atkins, but with the carbs. - BJ Penn

My weight is perfect for my height - which varies. - Unknown

Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow you may diet. - Unknown

There would be no Christmas if there was no Easter. - Gordon B. Hinckley

I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. - Tommy Cooper

I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan

The cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out. - Unknown

Whatsoever was the father of a disease, an ill diet was the mother. - George Herbert

My metabolism stinks. I can gain weight just listening to dinner music. - Ron Dentinger

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. - Totie Fields

No disease that can be treated by diet should be treated by any other means. - Maimonides

I gotta lose weight, Edith. I hope you remembered my diuretic cottage cheese. - Archie Bunker

Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. - Kin Hubbard

You can't lose weight by talking about it. You have to keep your mouth shut. - Old Farmer's Almanac

The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook. - Julia Child

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift

Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson

If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie. - Jim Davis

I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller

True and solemn meaning of Christmas, which is a time for peace and quiet contemptation. - Archie Bunker

If 'ifs and buts' were 'candy and nuts', we'd have Christmas every day. - Unknown

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks. - Joe E Lewis

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond. - Mae West

No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby

The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants. - John Andrew Holmes

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree. - Henny Youngman

Nobody can fail to lose weight in the jungle, unless they've got a secret stash of pork pies somewhere. - Colin Baker

Might make a real good Christmas present for the uninformed. The book is called 'Taking America Back.' - Paul Harvey

I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle

A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience. - John Updike

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight. - Unknown

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. - Garrison Keillor

The first requisite of a good citizen in this republic of ours is that he shall be able and willing to pull his weight. - Theodore Roosevelt

Did you read about Starbucks? No more "Merry Christmas" at Starbucks. No more. Maybe we should boycott Starbucks. - Donald Trump

I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets. It seems to me that they are wonderful things for other people to go on. - Jean Kerr

Confidence is beautiful, no matter your size, no matter your weight. Be confident in who you are and you'll be beautiful. - Unknown


see also   Christmas  &   Diet  Sections
Aussie Night Before Christmas
Aviator’s Night Before Christmas
Biker’s Night Before Christmas
Bronx Night Before Christmas
Contract Spec Writer’s Night Before Christmas
Genealogist’s Night Before Christmas
Ghetto Night Before Christmas
Hanukkah Night Before Christmas
Italian Night Before Christmas
Jewish-Chinese Night before Christmas
Legal Speak Night Before Christmas
Networkologist’s Night Before Christmas
Politically Correct Night Before Christmas
Redneck Night Before Christmas
Scientist’s Night Before Christmas
Spanish Night Before Christmas
Star Trek ‘Next Generation’ Night Before Christmas
Star Wars Christmas
Texas Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the Internet Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

 

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24-Nov-2017