‘Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips;
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care,
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps;
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter -
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox, then threw up the sash;
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below;
When what to my wandering eyes should appear -
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy - so luscious and slick,
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick;
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer...
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear
“On Pritikin, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS” -
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox;
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall,
Now dash away pounds - now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress,
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess;
My droll little mouth and my round little belly,
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work,
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk…
And laying a finger beside my heartburn -
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry,
If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by…
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night,
In the morning I’ll starve... ’til I take that first bite!
see also
Christmas &
Diet Sections
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Aviator’s Night Before Christmas
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Bronx Night Before Christmas
Contract Spec Writer’s Night Before Christmas
Genealogist’s Night Before Christmas
Ghetto Night Before Christmas
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Legal Speak Night Before Christmas
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