Hanukkah Night Before Christmas

On Mendel, on Shmendrik, on Feivush, on Ham


‘Twas the night before Chanukah
and all over the place
There was noise, there was kvetching
Soch ah disgrace!

The Kinderlach, sleeping,
uneasily felt
The chocolate rush
from the Chanukah gelt

And me in the easyboy,
so stuffed with latkes,
I stretched the elastic
which held up my gatchkes.

When up on the roof
(and it has a steep pitch)
A fat alte kakker
was making a kvitsch.

I jumped up real quick
and I ran to the door,
Was it a bandeet,
or only a schnorrer?

He wasn’t alone;
he had eight ferdelach,
And called them by name
as he gave a gebrach:

“On Moishe, on Yankel, on Itzik, on Sam,
On Mendel, on Shmendrik, on Feivush, on Ham;
My kidneys are kvelling;
do you give a damn?”

He had a white beard
and payyes to boot,
And to keep out the cold,
he had such a nice suit!

A second from Peerless,
I could tell at a glance,
But the cut was okay,
and so were the pants.

He was triple XL,
a real groisser goof,
So I yelled out,
“Meshuggener! Get off from Mein roof!”

He jumped down and said
as he shook hands with me,
“Max Klaus is the name.
You have maybe some tea?”

So I gave him a gleisel,
while he shook his white mop,
Mutt’ring, “Always the same thing,
They’re dreying my kopp!”

From Victoria to Hudson Bay,
Outremont to Reginek,
Every shmo in the world
hakks meir a cheinik!

They’re screaming for presents,
and challah with schmaltz,
And from Brooklyn alone,
the back pain, gevaltz!

So we sat and yentehed,
and we spun the old dreydels,
(He took all of my money,
and one of my kanidels)

He said, “Business is not bad,
a living I make,
But I’m getting too old
for this Chanukah fake;

And the cell phones, you see
how my pacemaker dings?
For two cents I’d quit,
and move to Palm Springs”

And he gave a geshrei
as he fled mit a lacht,
“Gut Yontiff to All,
Vey is Mir, Such a Nacht!”


QuotaBills
Off-the-docks Jews (Orthodox Jews) - Archie Bunker

A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. - Unknown

All men are Jews, except they don't know it. - Bernard Malamud

I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd

I am Irish as a person, but I feel Jewish as an actor. - Harrison Ford

Jesus was a Jew, yes, but only on his mother's side. - Archie Bunker

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. - Henny Youngman

Halloween starts earlier and earlier, just like Christmas. - Robert Englund

I'm Jewish, so I don't know much about Easter eggs. - Simon Kinberg

I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan

I don't think anyone has been slandered more than the Jews. - Fidel Castro

I'm not a Jew. I'm Jewish. I don't go the whole hog. - Jonathan Miller

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering. - Milton Berle

Other people have a nationality. The Irish and the Jews have a psychosis. - Brendan Behan

Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. - Kin Hubbard

Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson

I think of myself as being Jewish and Irish, despite the fact that I'm English. - Daniel Radcliffe

If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway

This is a Jewish cake - they give this to a Jewish kid before he gets circumscribed. - Archie Bunker

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson

I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller

True and solemn meaning of Christmas, which is a time for peace and quiet contemptation. - Archie Bunker

Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle

If 'ifs and buts' were 'candy and nuts', we'd have Christmas every day. - Unknown

Coming from Canada, being a writer and Jewish as well, I have impeccable paranoia credentials. - Mordecai Richler

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright

No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby

The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants. - John Andrew Holmes

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. - Milton Berle

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan

I have drawn inspiration from the Marine Corps, the Jewish struggle in Palestine and Israel, and the Irish. - Leon Uris

Might make a real good Christmas present for the uninformed. The book is called 'Taking America Back.' - Paul Harvey

I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. - Garrison Keillor

This is the real enemy, the invader from the East, the Druze, the ruffian, the oriental parasite; in a word: the Jew. - George Bernard Shaw

Did you read about Starbucks? No more "Merry Christmas" at Starbucks. No more. Maybe we should boycott Starbucks. - Donald Trump

A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says, "I make a good living." - Henny Youngman


see also   Christmas  &   Religious  Sections
Aussie Night Before Christmas
Aviator’s Night Before Christmas
Biker’s Night Before Christmas
Bronx Night Before Christmas
Contract Spec Writer’s Night Before Christmas
Da Vinci Code Revealed
Dieter’s Night Before Christmas
Genealogist’s Night Before Christmas
Ghetto Night Before Christmas
Italian Night Before Christmas
Jewish-Chinese Night before Christmas
Legal Speak Night Before Christmas
Networkologist’s Night Before Christmas
Politically Correct Night Before Christmas
Redneck Night Before Christmas
Scientist’s Night Before Christmas
Spanish Night Before Christmas
Star Trek ‘Next Generation’ Night Before Christmas
Star Wars Christmas
Texas Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the Internet Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the Night Before Christmas
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20-May-2019