New Year’s Resolution - No More Regular Workouts

Keeping a diary to chart your progress


Dear Diary... For my end-of-year 40th birthday, my wife (the love of my life) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try - as my 2017 New Year’s Resolution!

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress…

Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It’s a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasal whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair-monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other nonsense too.

Thursday:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank .

Friday:
I hate Belinda more that any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader! If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the &%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich (which I’m sure she learned in the sadist school she attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.


QuotaBills
I'm in no shape to exercise. - Unknown

Does running late count as exercise? - Unknown

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit. - Phyllis Diller

Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway. - Unknown

Didn't he take the exercise tax off cars? - Archie Bunker

New Year's Day is every man's birthday. - Charles Lamb

The New Year begins in a snow-storm of white vows. - George William Curtis

I am pushing sixty. That is enough exercise for me. - Mark Twain

When I go I'll take New Year's Eve with me. - Guy Lombardo

Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. - Joseph Addison

I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting. - Mark Twain

I often take exercise. Only yesterday I had breakfast in bed. - Oscar Wilde

Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right. - Oprah Winfrey

It wouldn't be New Year's if I didn't have regrets. - William Thomas

Maybe I oughta get one of them priests in to exercise with her. - Archie Bunker

Every man regards his own life as the New Year’s Eve of time. - Jean Paul Richter

Every time I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. - Robert Hutchins

And now we welcome the new year. Full of things that have never been. - Rainer M. Rilke

I get my exercise running to the funerals of my friends who exercise. - Barry Gray

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions! - Joey Adams

Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits. - Unknown

After exercising I always eat pizza... just kidding. I don't exercise. - Unknown

I live in California, so I do stand-up paddle board, which is a killer workout. - Ashley Wagner

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. - Unknown

There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up. - Unknown

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. - Marsha Doble

I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. - WC Fields

Every leap year I like to jump. It’s a good way to get my daily exercise in every four years. - Jarod Kintz

The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul. - G K Chesterton

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. - Jay Leno

Television remote controls encourage couch potatoes to exercise their options while broadening their base. - William Arthur Ward

When governments become large, voters cannot exercise close oversight, otherwise known as political power. - Maggie Gallagher

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. - Bill Vaughan

Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year's resolutions, and I've stuck with it ever since. - Dave Beard

Fantasy is an exercise bicycle for the mind. It might not take you anywhere, but it tones up the muscles that can. - Terry Pratchett

From New Year's on the outlook brightens; good humor lost in a mood of failure returns. I resolve to stop complaining. - Leonard Bernstein

New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time. - James Agate

I still play hockey every now and then, and I still golf. But my biggest exercise is walking my big dog in the park every day. - Michael J. Fox

"Exercise" is such a dirty word in my household that whenever I even think of it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate. - Leonore Fleischer

New Year's Day ... now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. - Mark Twain


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29-May-2017