Dear Diary... For my end-of-year 40th birthday, my wife (the love of my life) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try - as my 2017 New Year’s Resolution!
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress…
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It’s a whole new life for me.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasal whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair-monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other nonsense too.
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank .
I hate Belinda more that any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader! If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the &%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich (which I’m sure she learned in the sadist school she attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.
I'm in no shape to exercise. - Unknown
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit. - Phyllis Diller
Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway. - Unknown
Didn't he take the exercise tax off cars? - Archie Bunker
New Year's Day is every man's birthday. - Charles Lamb
The New Year begins in a snow-storm of white vows. - George William Curtis
I am pushing sixty. That is enough exercise for me. - Mark Twain
When I go I'll take New Year's Eve with me. - Guy Lombardo
Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. - Joseph Addison
I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting. - Mark Twain
Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right. - Oprah Winfrey
It wouldn't be New Year's if I didn't have regrets. - William Thomas
Yoga is not just a workout - it's about working on yourself. - Mary Glover
Every time I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. - Robert Hutchins
And now we welcome the new year. Full of things that have never been. - Rainer M. Rilke
I get my exercise running to the funerals of my friends who exercise. - Barry Gray
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions! - Joey Adams
Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits. - Unknown
Exercise is king, nutrition is queen. Put them together and you have a kingdom. - Jack LaLanne
I live in California, so I do stand-up paddle board, which is a killer workout. - Ashley Wagner
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. - Unknown
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. - Marsha Doble
I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. - WC Fields
Old minds are like old horses; you must exercise them if you wish to keep them in working order. - John Adams
The test and the use of man's education is that he finds pleasure in the exercise of his mind. - Jacques Martin Barzun
The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul. - G K Chesterton
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got. - WC Fields
New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. - Jay Leno
Television remote controls encourage couch potatoes to exercise their options while broadening their base. - William Arthur Ward
When governments become large, voters cannot exercise close oversight, otherwise known as political power. - Maggie Gallagher
Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man. - Benjamin Franklin
Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. - Bill Vaughan
Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year's resolutions, and I've stuck with it ever since. - Dave Beard
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. - Bill Vaughan
Fantasy is an exercise bicycle for the mind. It might not take you anywhere, but it tones up the muscles that can. - Terry Pratchett
From New Year's on the outlook brightens; good humor lost in a mood of failure returns. I resolve to stop complaining. - Leonard Bernstein
New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time. - James Agate
I still play hockey every now and then, and I still golf. But my biggest exercise is walking my big dog in the park every day. - Michael J. Fox
"Exercise" is such a dirty word in my household that whenever I even think of it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate. - Leonore Fleischer
New Year's Day ... now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. - Mark Twain
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