‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck...
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”,
“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole,
Were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
Released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear,
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
Because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
And millions of people were calling the Cops,
When they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
And his fur trimmed red suit was called “unenlightened”.
To show you the strangeness of today’s ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
Demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.
So... half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
Who suddenly said she’d had enough of this life,
Joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on that her title was Ms.
And as for gifts... why, he’d never had the notion
That making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...
Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacifistic.
No candy or sweets... they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.
And fairy tales... while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
For they raised the hackles of those psychological,
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football... someone might get hurt,
Besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passť,
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
He just couldn’t figure out what to do next?
He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,
But you must have to admit he was having a very bad day.
His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
Nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
Give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,
Each group of people in every religion.
Every race, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere... even you!
So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth...
“May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth!”
Santa's Guh-nomes - Archie Bunker
Criticism is prejudice made plausible. - H L Mencken
A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. - Unknown
People ask for criticism, but they only want praise. - W Somerset Maugham
I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd
To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. - Elbert Hubbard
How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct. - Benjamin Disraeli
Halloween starts earlier and earlier, just like Christmas. - Robert Englund
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. - Steven Wright
Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively. - Laurence J. Peter
I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge
Sandwich every bit of criticism between two heavy layers of praise. - Mary Kay Ash
In critical moments even the very powerful have need of the weakest. - Aesop
Most people would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism. - Unknown
An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it. - Orlando A. Battista
In critical moments, men sometimes see exactly what they wish to see. - Leonard Nimoy
I know how to make decisions and stand up to the criticism every day. - Michael Bloomberg
The only correct actions are those that demand no explanation and no apology. - Red Auerbach
Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. - Kin Hubbard
Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson
There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing. - Aristotle
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin
The fact that your patient gets well does not prove that your diagnosis was correct. - Samuel J. Meltzer
I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller
True and solemn meaning of Christmas, which is a time for peace and quiet contemptation. - Archie Bunker
If evil be said of thee, and if it be true, correct thyself; if it be a lie, laugh at it. - Epictetus
A smile in giving honest criticism can make the difference between resentment and reform. - Philip Steinmetz
Having insurance doesn't guarantee good health outcomes, but it is a critical factor. - Irwin Redlener
If 'ifs and buts' were 'candy and nuts', we'd have Christmas every day. - Unknown
Architecture is the learned game, correct and magnificent, of forms assembled in the light. - Le Corbusier
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright
No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby
The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants. - John Andrew Holmes
Writing criticism is to writing fiction and poetry as hugging the shore is to sailing in the open sea. - John Updike
The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan
I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put
the batteries. - Milton Berle
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. - Niels Bohr
Don't be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people have is when they take a bite out of you. - Zig Ziglar
Conventional people are roused to fury by departure from convention, largely because they regard such departure as a criticism of themselves. - Bertrand Russell
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