Santa Claus or Santa Clause?

Mathematical proof of Non-Existence

[Looks like this engineer had nothing better to do with his time, so he came up with a mathematical proof for the non-existence of Santa Claus…]

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc.

This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

Santa's Guh-nomes - Archie Bunker

There is no gravity. The earth sucks. - Graffito

Mistakes are proof that you are trying. - Unknown

Science is the record of dead religions. - Oscar Wilde

The engineering is secondary to the vision. - Cynthia Ozick

A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. - Unknown

Logic is neither science nor an art, but a dodge. - Benjamin Jowett

Death and taxes are unsolved engineering problems. - Romana Machado

All science is either physics or stamp collecting. - Ernest Rutherford

Marketing isn't magic. There is a science to it. - Dan Zarrella

I've been noticing gravity since I was very young. - Cameron Diaz

Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of our science. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

A science which hesitates to forget its founders is lost. - Alfred North Whitehead

True science teaches, above all, to doubt and be ignorant. - Miguel de Unamuno

All exact science is dominated by the idea of approximation. - Bertrand Russell

Science is what you know, philosophy is what you don't know. - Bertrand Russell

We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming. - Wernher von Braun

In science there is only physics; all the rest is stamp collecting. - Lord Kelvin

I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in the margin. - Unknown

Science is a differential equation. Religion is a boundary condition. - Alan Turing

Science is the great antidote to the poison of enthusiasm and superstition. - Adam Smith

The turkey is living proof that an animal can survive with no intelligence at all. - Harvey D. Comstock

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin

If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway

True and solemn meaning of Christmas, which is a time for peace and quiet contemptation. - Archie Bunker

The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer

Science is angling in the mud - angling for immortality and for anything else that may turn up. - Aldous Huxley

One has to look out for engineers - they begin with sewing machines and end up with the atomic bomb. - Marcel Pagnol

In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science. - Martin H. Fischer

Statistics: the only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions. - Evan Esar

Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what one is talking about nor whether what is said is true. - Bertrand Russell

All our science, measured against reality, is primitive and childlike - and yet it is the most precious thing we have. - Albert Einstein

The Swedish engineer who invented the zip fastener made a greater intellectual leap than many scientists do in a lifetime. - Martin Rees

Did you read about Starbucks? No more "Merry Christmas" at Starbucks. No more. Maybe we should boycott Starbucks. - Donald Trump

Science may have found a cure for most evils, but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all - the apathy of human beings. - Helen Keller

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. - Steven Wright

We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and technology, in which hardly anyone knows anything about science and technology. - Carl Sagan

Science is built up with facts, as a house is with stones. But a collection of facts is not more a science than a heap of stones is a house. - Jules Poincare

The physician should look upon the patient as a besieged city and try to rescue him with every means that art and science place at his command. - Alexander of Tralles

They submitted bills, and we paid them. Then we checked the engineering reports and found out that we had paid them far more than we owed them. - Donald Trump

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