Santa Claus or Santa Clause?

Mathematical proof of Non-Existence

[Looks like this engineer had nothing better to do with his time, so he came up with a mathematical proof for the non-existence of Santa Claus…]

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc.

This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

Love is metaphysical gravity. - R Buckminster Fuller

Politics is an inexact science. - Otto von Bismarck

Astrology is a disease, not a science. - Maimonides

Mistakes are proof that you are trying. - Unknown

Maintenance is as much art as it is science. - Unknown

The writer is the engineer of the human soul. - Joseph Stalin

Death and taxes are unsolved engineering problems. - Romana Machado

There would be no Christmas if there was no Easter. - Gordon B. Hinckley

Marketing isn't magic. There is a science to it. - Dan Zarrella

I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd

I've been noticing gravity since I was very young. - Cameron Diaz

A science which hesitates to forget its founders is lost. - Alfred North Whitehead

All exact science is dominated by the idea of approximation. - Bertrand Russell

I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

I now touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk. - WC Fields

What counts in science is to be not so much the first as the last. - Erwin Chargaff

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. - Benjamin Franklin

Tenderness is greater proof of love than the most passionate of vows. - Marlene Dietrich

Success is a science; if you have the conditions, you get the result. - Oscar Wilde

Science is a differential equation. Religion is a boundary condition. - Alan Turing

Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. - Kin Hubbard

No science is immune to the infection of politics and the corruption of power. - Jacob Bronowski

The very best proof that something can be done is that someone has already done it. - Bertrand Russell

Science is the ascertainment of facts and the refusal to regard facts as permanent. - Unknown

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson

If 'ifs and buts' were 'candy and nuts', we'd have Christmas every day. - Unknown

The next time you hear a social media myth, question it. Ask for the proof, and ask out loud. - Dan Zarrella

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan

I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle

Art is made to disturb. Science reassures. There is only one valuable thin in art: the thing you cannot explain. - Georges Braque

It is mathematical fact that the casting of this pebble from my hand alters the center of gravity of the universe. - Thomas Carlyle

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. - Garrison Keillor

The Swedish engineer who invented the zip fastener made a greater intellectual leap than many scientists do in a lifetime. - Martin Rees

Science may have found a cure for most evils, but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all - the apathy of human beings. - Helen Keller

Science will never be able to reduce the value of a sunset to arithmetic. Nor can it reduce friendship or statesmanship to a formula. - Louis Orr

We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and technology, in which hardly anyone knows anything about science and technology. - Carl Sagan

Science is built up with facts, as a house is with stones. But a collection of facts is not more a science than a heap of stones is a house. - Jules Poincare

Nothing has afforded me so convincing a proof of the unity of the Deity as these purely mental conceptions of numerical and mathematical science. - Mary Somerville

Whenever you are embarrassed, just remember that in 1999 NASA destroyed a $655 Million project because the engineers mistook kilograms and pounds. - Unknown

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