Santa Claus or Santa Clause?

Mathematical proof of Non-Existence


[Looks like this engineer had nothing better to do with his time, so he came up with a mathematical proof for the non-existence of Santa Claus…]

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc.

This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.


QuotaBills
Love is metaphysical gravity. - R Buckminster Fuller

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The engineering is secondary to the vision. - Cynthia Ozick

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I've been noticing gravity since I was very young. - Cameron Diaz

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. - Steven Wright

Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of our science. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

True science teaches, above all, to doubt and be ignorant. - Miguel de Unamuno

I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan

We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming. - Wernher von Braun

I now touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk. - WC Fields

I am a great fan of science, but I cannot do a quadratic equation. - Terry Pratchett

Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind. - Albert Einstein

Success is a science; if you have the conditions, you get the result. - Oscar Wilde

Science is the great antidote to the poison of enthusiasm and superstition. - Adam Smith

No science is immune to the infection of politics and the corruption of power. - Jacob Bronowski

Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson

The great tragedy of science - the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact. - Thomas H. Huxley

True and solemn meaning of Christmas, which is a time for peace and quiet contemptation. - Archie Bunker

The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer

Genetic Engineering: A recent attempt to formalize what farmers have been doing all along. - Unknown

There's a big overlap with the people you meet at the fantasy and science fiction cons. - Fred Saberhagen

The next time you hear a social media myth, question it. Ask for the proof, and ask out loud. - Dan Zarrella

Science is angling in the mud - angling for immortality and for anything else that may turn up. - Aldous Huxley

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. - Albert Einstein

In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science. - Martin H. Fischer

Art is made to disturb. Science reassures. There is only one valuable thin in art: the thing you cannot explain. - Georges Braque

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. - Garrison Keillor

All our science, measured against reality, is primitive and childlike - and yet it is the most precious thing we have. - Albert Einstein

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. - Rodney Dangerfield

The fundamental concept in social science is Power, in the same sense in which Energy is the fundamental concept in physics. - Bertrand Russell

Science may have found a cure for most evils, but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all - the apathy of human beings. - Helen Keller

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple

Science will never be able to reduce the value of a sunset to arithmetic. Nor can it reduce friendship or statesmanship to a formula. - Louis Orr

Religion is something left over from the infancy of our intelligence, it will fade away as we adopt reason and science as our guidelines. - Bertrand Russell

The physician should look upon the patient as a besieged city and try to rescue him with every means that art and science place at his command. - Alexander of Tralles


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21-Oct-2018