Santa Claus or Santa Clause?

Mathematical proof of Non-Existence

[Looks like this engineer had nothing better to do with his time, so he came up with a mathematical proof for the non-existence of Santa Claus…]

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc.

This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

Science is organized knowledge. - Herbert Spencer

The engineering is secondary to the vision. - Cynthia Ozick

Logic is neither science nor an art, but a dodge. - Benjamin Jowett

Death and taxes are unsolved engineering problems. - Romana Machado

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. - Steven Wright

Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of our science. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

I now touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk. - WC Fields

To err is human; to try to prevent recurrence of error is science. - Unknown

Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind. - Albert Einstein

Science becomes dangerous only when it imagines that it has reached its goal. - George Bernard Shaw

No science is immune to the infection of politics and the corruption of power. - Jacob Bronowski

Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson

The great tragedy of science - the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact. - Thomas H. Huxley

Scientists discover the world that exists; engineers create the world that never was. - Theodore von Karman

True and solemn meaning of Christmas, which is a time for peace and quiet contemptation. - Archie Bunker

Genetic Engineering: A recent attempt to formalize what farmers have been doing all along. - Unknown

It is the final proof of God's omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us. - Peter De Vries

Mathematics is the cheapest science. All one needs for mathematics is a pencil and a paper. - George Polya

There's a big overlap with the people you meet at the fantasy and science fiction cons. - Fred Saberhagen

The next time you hear a social media myth, question it. Ask for the proof, and ask out loud. - Dan Zarrella

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. - Steven Wright

Science is angling in the mud - angling for immortality and for anything else that may turn up. - Aldous Huxley

The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants. - John Andrew Holmes

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it. - Stephen Leacock

It is mathematical fact that the casting of this pebble from my hand alters the center of gravity of the universe. - Thomas Carlyle

Science has not yet mastered prophecy. We predict too much for the next year and yet far too little for the next ten. - Neil A Armstrong

I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again. - Oscar Wilde

So long as the mother, ignorance, lives, it is not safe for science, the offspring, to divulge the hidden cause of things. - Johannes Kepler

Did you read about Starbucks? No more "Merry Christmas" at Starbucks. No more. Maybe we should boycott Starbucks. - Donald Trump

Amazingly when you add life and consciousness to the equation you can actually explain some of the biggest puzzles of science. - Robert Lanza

Science may have found a cure for most evils, but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all - the apathy of human beings. - Helen Keller

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. - Steven Wright

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen." - Unknown

Dontopedalogy is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it, a science which I have practiced for a good many years. - Prince Philip

When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer. - Corrie Ten Boom

The physician should look upon the patient as a besieged city and try to rescue him with every means that art and science place at his command. - Alexander of Tralles

Nothing has afforded me so convincing a proof of the unity of the Deity as these purely mental conceptions of numerical and mathematical science. - Mary Somerville

Whenever you are embarrassed, just remember that in 1999 NASA destroyed a $655 Million project because the engineers mistook kilograms and pounds. - Unknown

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