North Pole: Santa Claus announced today in his annual pre-holiday press conference that he has begun the popular Atkins diet, and is asking for help from families around the globe. Atkins dieters are allowed to consume large amounts of high-fat foods such as eggs, beef, and cheese. Carbohydrates, which are found in pasta, breads, and fruits, and sweets, are not allowed.
Mr. Claus said that he decided to start the diet after he could not fit into the pants he wore to deliver gifts last year.
“I couldn’t bring myself to buy new pants, and I haven’t had a good body image lately. I had to do something, and quick,” said Claus. “Having a belly like a bowl full of jelly is one thing, but being a complete fat ass is
another. I mean, even my jolly little toe has fat on it.”
According to inside sources, Mrs. Claus may have also played a part in his decision to lose weight. An elf, who wished to remain anonymous, said that Mrs. Claus “is getting more and more involved with day-to-day operations, especially
as Christmas nears. She pretty much runs the toy factory, and she is making all the elves work a lot of overtime. Plus, she made us all sign waivers saying we wouldn’t sue if we got injured on the job. Now, Santa suddenly goes on the Atkins diet? I guarantee that is her doing. She’s a real pain in the ass. We’ve all started calling her ‘Yoko’ ”.
Santa says that his goal is to lose twenty pounds before he delivers gifts on Christmas Eve, leaving him plump, but not grossly obese. And, says Claus, he needs everyone’s help to stickto his diet.
“I am asking the families of the world to leave snacks for me that are low in carbohydrates. Unfortunately, this means that the traditional snack of cookies and milk is not acceptable. Good alternatives are scrambled eggs, cheese, beef, or chicken.”
Experts agree that a thinner Claus may be a healthier Claus, but think that the new snack requests may spoil some of the fun and tradition of Christmas.
“I think it’s great that Santa wants to lose a few pounds,” says holiday expert Pat Falk. “But a great Christmas tradition is being altered. Leaving cookies and milk for Santa Claus dates back hundreds of years. I don’t think families will enjoy scrambling eggs or broiling a T-bone for Santa quite as much. And these low carbohydrate snacks are much more expensive than a couple of store bought cookies.”
Despite the criticism, Claus vows to stick to his Atkins diet. “I’m going to do this. I’ve tried other diets, and I just can’t stick to them. I mean, have you ever had a SlimFast shake? Tastes like liquefied wood.”
North Pole spokesperson Bob Bradley said that if families are uncomfortable leaving eggs or meat as a snack, they could opt to leave no snack at all.
“We’d rather Santa not have a snack than eat foods that are high in carbohydrates. For families who don’t wish to leave a low-carb snack, we ask that they leave a note of encouragement for Santa, or some bourbon, which is a low-carbohydrate beverage. Dieting is difficult, and he needs support if he is going to succeed.”
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