The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) announced today that it was
bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights of
children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge, stated that, “Mr. Claus has been
violating children’s right to privacy and has been putting that information in a
vast database. The information is then used by the law enforcement arm of Mr.
Claus’ organization to determine which children are considered naughty or nice.
It is obvious Mr. Claus has violated the children’s rights, as we have alleged
in our suit, because of the memos and other company information we have
obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has been engaging in mind control
experiments designed to prevent the free expression of beliefs.”
Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo which reads, in
part: “You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I’m
telling you why Santa Claus is coming to town. He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when you’re awake, He knows when you’ve been bad or good, So be good
for goodness’ sake.”
Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, obtained from a worker in the distribution
department of Mr. Claus’ organization, “clearly shows a concerted attempt to
restrict the rights of children to free expression and free thought.” In
addition, “there are concerns about the security of the information. What would
be the result of such a database being made available to other law enforcement
agencies around the world?”
Lawyers at the Justice also confirmed today that they were investigating the
possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a vast conspiracy against
children. Anonymous sources from inside the Justice Department stated that, “We
believe a large number of parents, ministers, and teachers are involved in this
business and we expect several of them will testify for the State in return for
a lighter sentence.”
In addition, the same sources indicated a parallel investigation by the
Department and the FBI on possible charges of smuggling on the part of Mr.
Claus, “Our records do not show Mr. Claus, or any one else, paying any import
duties or taxes on any items he has delivered. Since Mr. Claus has
representatives in all of the States of the Union, we believe he should have to
pay state and local taxes on all of the goods he delivers.”
Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, “The charges of the ACLU are unfounded. Mr. Claus
is a well-known and highly-respected figure. His supporters are from around the
world and his message of love and respect can, in no way, be taken as “mind
control” or a violation of the civil rights of children.”
The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a resident of the
United States or any country with which the United States currently has an
extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr. Claus is at the moment, but it is
believed he is hiding out at his North Pole estate.
In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, “I find the charges of
the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be rejected by the courts. As for any
criminal charges, I believe the Justice Department will discover they have no
basis.”
Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible pending charges
might have on Mr. Claus’ Christmas travels this year.
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