I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the
States of Georgia, Alabama, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina,
Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, Louisiana and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to
the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated
by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better
contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local
replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the
family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the
good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He
has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: “These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson.”
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC
cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a
pipe. He dips a little snuff, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of
reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time,
and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.
4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen...” when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty.”
5. “Ho, Ho, Ho“ has been replaced by “Yee Haw”. And you also are likely to hear
Bubba’s elves respond, “I her’d dat.”
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back Off.”
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each
other.
And Finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
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