42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. “You didn’t borrow this.” “I will.”
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun. She said, “Give me all of the money in the vault, or I’m marking down everything in the store.”
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don’t expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Change is inevitable… except from vending machines.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Droughts are because god didn’t pay his water bill.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for “permanent” press?
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Half the people you know are below average.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him. “Come
here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.
I brought a mirror to Lovers’ Lane. I told everybody I’m Narcissus.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, “Steven, time to
go to sleep.” I said, “But I don’t know how.” She said, “It’s real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.” So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said “I thought I told you to go to sleep.”
I couldn’t find the remote control to the remote control.
I didn’t get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You
couldn’t see anything, but every now and then you’d hear this rumbling noise go
I don’t like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can’t hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<<>>><<<>>>. I go down to the pet store - “Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday.”
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
I got a garage door opener. It can’t close. Just open.
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it.
Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I had my coathangers spayed.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out.
I had to stop driving my car for a while - the tires got dizzy.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going
to be up all night.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front
of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a
message and I’ll call when I’m out.”
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas,
people behind me stop, and I’m gone.
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can
help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me what size
I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I
stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate
cake?” I said, “yes”.
[Referring to a glass of water…] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don’t trust anybody!
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds
I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV
was confused. “It was supposed to be hot today.”
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the
only one moving.
I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking”, but I don’t have that much time.
I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, “It’s free with purchase.” I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn’t see any forests.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader’s Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you’d notice. It’s just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, “Hey, these records are all blank.”
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, “Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?” He said, “I don’t know.” I said, “I don’t want your job.”
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies”. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars.”
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. “We’re surrounded.”
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn’t notice until I
got it set up. People complained because they couldn’t see the lake.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He
said, “Yes, but not in a row.”
I went fishing with Rod Ewert. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5’s. The clerk said,
I went over to the neighbor’s and asked to borrow a cup of salt. “What are you
making?” “A salt lick.”
I went to a fancy French restaurant called “Deja Vu.” The headwaiter said,
“Don’t I know you?”
I went to a garage sale. “How much for the garage?” “It’s not for sale.”
I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You’d think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, “If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”
I wrote a few children’s books... not on purpose.
I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in
a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If you tell a joe-k in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joe-k?
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above, so I never have to go upstairs.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
Is “tired old cliche” one?
It only rains straight down. God doesn’t do windows.
It’s a fine night to have an evening.
It’s a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they’d just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good, she’ll give me the other one next year.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The
walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn’t go up the stairs.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she’s asleep, I go over there
and write misspelled words on them.
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn’t have any hands or numbers. He says
it’s very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood
kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don’t really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
My neighbor has a circular driveway - he can’t get out.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.
My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
“Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour.”
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV’s all over the world.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see
the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera
to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The
neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smoking cures weight problems… eventually.
“So, do you live around here often?”
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.
Support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa
Claus is missing.
The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The judge asked, “What do you plead?” I said, “Insanity, your honour, who in
their right mind would park in the passing lane?”
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys.
I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a
cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, “right here, officer”.
Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all
the cars, “Get out of my driveway!”
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
The sky already fell. Now what?
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
The sign said “eight items or less.” So I changed my name to Les.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky
must get awfully crowded.
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Today I dialed a wrong number. The other person said, “Hello?” and I said,
“Hello, could I speak to Joey?”... They said, “Uh... I don’t think so... he’s
only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.”
What are imitation rhinestones?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I
thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old
lady had to help me across the street.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to
run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook,
you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They
hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire area
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “what for?”
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and
nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that’s part of the experiment? I’m
like that all the time.
Phrase & Quote Sections
Steven Wright Quotes (Database)
Reaching Out Too Far