Date: Thu, 12 Oct 2005 11:09:46
FROM: Lori Szabo, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party
I’ m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
Friday, December 23, starting at noon, in the banquet room at Luigi’ s Open Pit
Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ ll have a small band playing
traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And, don’ t be surprised if our CEO
shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift
should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’ s pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our
CEO at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Lori
=============================================
FROM: Lori Szabo, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’ s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’ re
calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are
celebrating Kwansaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no
Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Lori
=============================================
FROM: Lori Szabo, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a
non-drinking table ....You didn’ t sign your name. I’ m happy to accommodate this
request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only” you wouldn’ t be
anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union
members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is very
little for a gift. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Lori
=============================================
FROM: Lori Szabo, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim
holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of
year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’ s can
hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party-the days are so short
this time of year-or else package everything for take home in little foil swans.
Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to
sit farthest from the dessert buffet. Pregnant women will get the table closest
to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have
to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. To the person asking
permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed, though. We will have
booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a
diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food thus we suggest for those
people with blood problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert
for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?
Lori
=============================================
FROM: Lori Szabo, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people!
Nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even
if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil
connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.” It’ s a tradition, folks, like
sugar shock at Halloween, or family feuds over the thanksgiving turkey, or
broken hearts on Valentine’ s Day. Could we lighten up? Please?????????
Also, the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement
at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.
Lori
=============================================
FROM: Lori Szabo, Human Resources Director
TO: All #&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #* &^@*^Holiday Party
I have no#&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the *&^!@ do I
care...? I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your address now
and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will be allowed in my
office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung from the
ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!! Vegetarians!?!?!? I’ ve had it with you
people!!! We’ re going to keep this party at Luigi’ s Open Pit Barbecue whether
you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill
of death” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ ll get your @ #$^&*! salad bar,
including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes
scream when you slice them. I’ ve heard them scream. I’ m hearing them scream
right now!
HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die, you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!
The B---h from HELL!!!!!!!!
=============================================
FROM: Terry Cameron, Acting Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 14
RE: Lori Szabo and Holiday Party
I’ m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Lori Szabo a speedy recovery from her
stress-related illness and I’ ll continue to forward your cards to her at the
sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
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