Irish Virgin

Final arrangements with the undertaker

If you can’t take it with you, talk to a postman


In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town’s undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper “final” arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: “BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN”

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.

A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid’s final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin’s tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it reads as follows: “RETURNED UNOPENED”



QuotaBills
My soul is still Irish. - Ciaran Hinds

Everyone is wise until he speaks. - Irish Drinking Toast

To marry the Irish is to look for poverty. - J.P. Donleavy

There are not many Irish people playing tennis. - Goran Ivanisevic

The Danes and the Irish have a great simpatico. - Pierce Brosnan

Our Irish blunders are never blunders of the heart. - Maria Edgeworth

My dad's Irish music was such a huge influence. - Dido Armstrong

You never miss the water till the well has run dry. - Irish Proverb

I had that stubborn streak, the Irish in me I guess. - Gregory Peck

The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or punch. - James Boswell

Bless your little Irish heart and every other Irish part. - Irish Blessings

If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks. - Brendan Behan

Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown

You know it's summer in Ireland when the rain gets warmer. - Hal Roach

God invented whiskey to prevent the Irish from ruling the world. - Irish Saying

It is a symbol of Irish art. The cracked looking-glass of a servant. - James Joyce

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb

I come from an Irish Catholic family, and hell-raising is part of the DNA. - Brian Dennehy

Let everyone leave all the guns - British guns and Irish guns - outside the door. - Martin McGuinness

The English should give Ireland home rule - and reserve the motion picture rights. - Will Rogers

My mother is Irish, my father is black and Venezuelan, and me - I'm tan, I guess. - Mariah Carey

There are only two kinds of people in the world: the Irish and those who wish they were. - Irish Saying

The Irish don't know what they want and are prepared to fight to the death to get it. - Sidney Littlewood

I'm Irish. That means I'm Catholic. But, truth is, now I'm a retired Christian. - Peter O'Toole

Ireland is a small but insuppressible island half an hour nearer the sunset than Great Britain. - Thomas Kettle

I am the indoctrinated child of two lapsed Irish Catholics. Which is to say: I am not religious. - Meghan O'Rourke

I'm proud of my Irish heritage and culture and this show will feature a lot of Irish dancing. - Michael Flatley

I had to have some balls to be Irish Catholic in South London. Most of that time I spent fighting. - Pierce Brosnan

I'm Irish on St. Patrick's Day. I'm Italian on Columbus Day. I'm a New Yorker every day. - Tamara Tunie

"Burn everything British," he once advised his Irish countrymen, "except their coal." - Jonathan Swift

I have drawn inspiration from the Marine Corps, the Jewish struggle in Palestine and Israel, and the Irish. - Leon Uris

I'm a big fan of the Irish accent. After a couple of drinks, I start to get a bit of an Irish lilt, too. - Emily Ratajkowski

The Irish Catholic side was married to the life of an actor and I found out acting could be a form of prayer. - Liam Neeson

In 1953 there were two ways for an Irish Catholic boy to impress his parents: become a priest or attend Notre Dame. - Phil Donahue

If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized. - Oscar Wilde

Ninety percent I'll spend on good times, women and Irish Whiskey. The other ten percent I'll probably waste. - Tug McGraw

Irish poets, learn your trade, sing whatever is well made, scorn the sort now growing up all out of shape from toe to top. - William Butler Yeats

If this humor be the safety of our race, then it is due largely to the infusion into the American people of the Irish brain. - William Howard Taft

That's what the holidays are for - for one person to tell the stories and another to dispute them. Isn't that the Irish way? - Lara Flynn Boyle

I'm Irish, so I'm used to odd stews. I can take it. Just throw a lot of carrots and onions in there and I'll call it dinner. - Liam Neeson


see also   Tombstone  Section
Flooded Ireland Streets
Going Green for Ireland
Green Beards
Habby Sin Pad-Riggs Dey!
Irish Alzheimers
Irish Bar
Irish Birth Control
Irish Blessings and Sayings
Irish Diplomacy
Irish Dock Overboard Oh-Nos
Irish Drink
Irish Exam
Irish Flood
Irish Handcuffs
Irish Rugby Fans
Irish School Demolition
Irish Sky Garden Crater
Irish Sunblock
Irish Weather Forecasting
Irish Yoga - Day 1
Irishman’s First Baseball Game
Little Leprechaun
Queen’s Recent Visit to Ireland
Rainbow Beer
St. Patrick’s Day Joe-ks
St. Patrick’s Day Riddles
St. Patrick’s Dog
St. Patrick’s Pot of Gold
Swimming Buddies
Teddy Bear Dance
The Fert
What’s Under The Kilt?
Whiskey Around The World
Whiskey Silly

 

Zombie Mug

What A Radical

Bacon My Heart

Aussie Drinkers

How a Tangerine Is Made

For Lazy Shoppers

Wildlife Photographer

Wi-Fi Neighbour

Walker Safety

Greatest Daughter

Sourtoe Cocktail

Ogre Tree

Dog Pot Nap

Shame On All You Hunters

Names of the Colours

Waterfront Dining

Chinese Take Away

Revenge of the Stallion

Learning To 'Fly'

Legal Grounds
Full list of creditsFacebookTwitterDiggStumbleUponDelicious

20-Oct-2018