Irish Virgin

Final arrangements with the undertaker

If you can’t take it with you, talk to a postman


In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town’s undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper “final” arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: “BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN”

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.

A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid’s final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin’s tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it reads as follows: “RETURNED UNOPENED”



QuotaBills
My soul is still Irish. - Ciaran Hinds

I'm just a true Irish boy at heart. - Colin Farrell

Yes, I am an Irish lass through and through. - Erin Andrews

The Danes and the Irish have a great simpatico. - Pierce Brosnan

I'm Irish. I think about death all the time. - Jack Nicholson

I am Irish as a person, but I feel Jewish as an actor. - Harrison Ford

Like the Good Book says, "Patience is a virgin." - Archie Bunker

You think the Welsh are friendly, but the Irish are fabulous. - Bonnie Tyler

I'm an Irish Catholic and I have a long iceberg of guilt. - Edna O'Brien

There is no language like the Irish for soothing and quieting. - John Millington Synge

The Irish forgive their great men when they are safely buried. - Unknown

I miss Irish milk. Probably not as much as Superquinn sausages. - Tristan MacManus

God invented whiskey to prevent the Irish from ruling the world. - Irish Saying

Irish Alzheimer's - you forget everything except the grudges. - Unknown

God is good to the Irish, but no one else is; not even the Irish. - Unknown

We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English. - Winston Churchill

I had an Irish Catholic education. Horrible nuns, vindictive and cruel. - John Lydon

Being Irish is very much a part of who I am. I take it everywhere with me. - Colin Farrell

Wherever you go and whatever you do, may the luck of the Irish be there with you. - Irish Blessings

I think of myself as being Jewish and Irish, despite the fact that I'm English. - Daniel Radcliffe

I am who I am: an Irish Catholic kid, working class from Long Island. And I made it big. - Bill O'Reilly

Irish boomerang: It doesn't come back, it just sings sad songs about how much it wants to. - Unknown

Let's just say, I'm Irish. I grew up in the 1950s. Religion had a very tight iron fist. - Liam Neeson

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet. - Oliver Herford

The problem with being Irish is having 'Riverdance' on your back. It's a burden at times. - Roddy Doyle

Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy, which sustained him through temporary periods of joy. - William Butler Yeats

"Burn everything British," he once advised his Irish countrymen, "except their coal." - Jonathan Swift

That's the Irish people all over - they treat a joke as a serious thing, and a serious thing as a joke. - Sean O'Casey

I was freelancing for years in Cork and around. I also wrote freelance pieces for 'The Irish Times.' - Kevin Barry

I'm a big fan of the Irish accent. After a couple of drinks, I start to get a bit of an Irish lilt, too. - Emily Ratajkowski

In 1953 there were two ways for an Irish Catholic boy to impress his parents: become a priest or attend Notre Dame. - Phil Donahue

Ninety percent I'll spend on good times, women and Irish Whiskey. The other ten percent I'll probably waste. - Tug McGraw

As I told Piers Morgan, 'Catholics have confession, whereas Northern Irish Protestants only have interviews.' - James Nesbitt

We've never been cool, we're hot. Irish people are Italians who can't dress, Jamaicans who can't dance. - Bono

The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad.
For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad. - G K Chesterton

Isn't it a very curious thing that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland an' the English brought in the fleas. - Frank McCourt

When anyone asks me about the Irish character, I say look at the trees. Maimed, stark and misshapen, but ferociously tenacious. - Unknown

That's what the holidays are for - for one person to tell the stories and another to dispute them. Isn't that the Irish way? - Lara Flynn Boyle

Our ancestors believed in magic, prayers, trickery, browbeating and bullying. I think it would be fair to sum that up as 'Irish politics'. - Flann O'Brien

Franklin D. Roosevelt: "Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?",
New York Mayor Al Smith: "Do we now?" - Franklin D Roosevelt


see also   Tombstone  Section
Going Green for Ireland
Irish Bar
Irish Diplomacy
Irish Dock Overboard Oh-Nos
Irish Drink
Irish Exam
Irish Flood
Irish Rugby Fans
Irish Sky Garden Crater
Irish Sunblock
Irish Weather Forecasting
Irishman’s First Baseball Game
St. Patrick’s Dog

 

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22-Jun-2017