Irish Virgin

Final arrangements with the undertaker

If you can’t take it with you, talk to a postman


In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town’s undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper “final” arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: “BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN”

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.

A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid’s final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin’s tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it reads as follows: “RETURNED UNOPENED”



QuotaBills
I'm Irish. We think sideways. - Spike Milligan

Everyone is wise until he speaks. - Irish Drinking Toast

The gun is not out of Irish politics. - Ian Paisley

Yes, I am an Irish lass through and through. - Erin Andrews

When Irish eyes are smiling, watch your step. - Gerald Kersh

There are not many Irish people playing tennis. - Goran Ivanisevic

I come from a long line of staunch Irish Catholics. - Robert Vaughn

I had that stubborn streak, the Irish in me I guess. - Gregory Peck

I've had Irish skin from the time I was a young girl. - Lara Flynn Boyle

Like the Good Book says, "Patience is a virgin." - Archie Bunker

If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks. - Brendan Behan

I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan

The Irish forgive their great men when they are safely buried. - Unknown

I miss Irish milk. Probably not as much as Superquinn sausages. - Tristan MacManus

We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English. - Winston Churchill

It is a symbol of Irish art. The cracked looking-glass of a servant. - James Joyce

Irish Americans are no more Irish than Black Americans are Africans. - Bob Geldof

Even when they have nothing, the Irish emit a kind of happiness, a joy. - Fiona Shaw

If you're Irish, it doesn't matter where you go - you'll find family. - Victoria Smurfit

Let everyone leave all the guns - British guns and Irish guns - outside the door. - Martin McGuinness

My mother is Irish, my father is black and Venezuelan, and me - I'm tan, I guess. - Mariah Carey

We Irish will never achieve anything; but we are the greatest talkers since the Greeks. - Oscar Wilde

At the heart of the Irish economy has always been the philosophy of tax competitiveness. - Bono

The Irish are the only men who know how to cry for the dirty polluted blood of all the world. - Norman Mailer

The Irish do not want anyone to wish them well; they want everyone to wish their enemies ill. - Harold Nicolson

Irish boomerang: It doesn't come back, it just sings sad songs about how much it wants to. - Unknown

Ireland is a small but insuppressible island half an hour nearer the sunset than Great Britain. - Thomas Kettle

I am the indoctrinated child of two lapsed Irish Catholics. Which is to say: I am not religious. - Meghan O'Rourke

I think I'm going to keep my Irish accent forever now in any movie I make, because chicks dig it. - Chris O'Dowd

Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy, which sustained him through temporary periods of joy. - William Butler Yeats

The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the words to a song - its that they know them all. - Susan Dooley

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter

In 1953 there were two ways for an Irish Catholic boy to impress his parents: become a priest or attend Notre Dame. - Phil Donahue

If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized. - Oscar Wilde

Ninety percent I'll spend on good times, women and Irish Whiskey. The other ten percent I'll probably waste. - Tug McGraw

As I told Piers Morgan, 'Catholics have confession, whereas Northern Irish Protestants only have interviews.' - James Nesbitt

If this humor be the safety of our race, then it is due largely to the infusion into the American people of the Irish brain. - William Howard Taft

With such riches as I have in life, you're always nervous. Being Irish, you're waiting for something to knock it sideways. - Pierce Brosnan

Irish whiskey was first developed for its medicinal benefits. It's just lucky for the rest of us that the Irish are such a sickly bunch. - Unknown

Franklin D. Roosevelt: "Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?",
New York Mayor Al Smith: "Do we now?" - Franklin D Roosevelt


see also   Tombstone  Section
Going Green for Ireland
Irish Bar
Irish Diplomacy
Irish Dock Overboard Oh-Nos
Irish Drink
Irish Exam
Irish Flood
Irish Rugby Fans
Irish Sky Garden Crater
Irish Sunblock
Irish Weather Forecasting
Irishman’s First Baseball Game
St. Patrick’s Dog

 

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25-Mar-2017