Military Humour
Wit & Wisdom – a War of Words…
“A pilot who
doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.” - Jon
McBride, astronaut
“A slipping
gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.
That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.” - Army's
magazine of preventive maintenance.
“A smooth
landing is mostly luck. Two in a row is all luck. Three in a row is
prevarication.” -
Anonymous
“Aim towards
the Enemy.” -
Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
“Airspeed,
altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.” -
Anonymous
“Any ship
can be a minesweeper… Once.” -
Anonymous
Basic Flying Rules: “Try to stay
in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air
can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and
interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.” -
Anonymous
“Bravery is
being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
“Cluster
bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always
hit the ground.” - USAF
Ammo Troop
“Don't ever
be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.” – U.S.
Navy Swabbie
“Don't draw
fire. It irritates the people around you.” - Your
Buddies
“Five second
fuses only last three seconds.” - Infantry
Journal
“Flashlights
are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing
dead batteries.” -
Anonymous
“Flying the
airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground
incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.” -
Anonymous
“I remember
when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.” -
Anonymous
“If
something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.” – Sea King
helicopter pilot, Canadian Air Force
“If the
enemy is in range, so are you.” - Infantry
Journal
“If the
wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter and
therefore, unsafe.” -
Anonymous
“If you're
faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.” – Bob
Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
“If you see
a bomb technician running, follow him.” - USAF
Ammo Troop
“If your
attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush.” - Infantry
Journal
“It is
generally inadvisable to eject... directly over the area you just bombed.” - U.S. Air
Force Manual
“Mankind has
a perfect record in aviation - we never left one up there!” -
Anonymous
“Never fly
in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.” -
Anonymous
“Never tell
the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” - Unknown
Marine Recruit
“Never trade
luck for skill.” -
Anonymous
“No
combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.” - Joe Gay
“Progress in
airline aviation: Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.” -
Anonymous
“The only
time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.” -
Anonymous
“The Piper
Cub is the safest airplane in the world. It can just barely kill you.” - Max
Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
“There are
more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.” - Blue
water Navy truism
“There is no
reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.” - Sign
over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
“Though I
Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet
and Climbing.” - At the
entrance to the old SR-71 operating base (Kadena, Japan)
“Tracers
work both ways.” - U.S.
Army Ordnance
“Try to look
unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” - Infantry
Journal
“Weather
forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.” -
Anonymous
“What’s the
similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the
pilot dies. If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.” -
Anonymous
“When one
engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get
you to the scene of the crash.” -
Anonymous
“When the
pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” - U.S.
Marine Corps
“Whoever
said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic
weapons.” - General
Macarthur
“Without
ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.” -
Anonymous
“You, you,
and you - panic. The rest of you, come with me.” - U.S.
Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
“You know
that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the
terminal.” -
Anonymous
“You've
never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.” - Paul F.
Crickmore (test pilot)
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the
wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a
bloodied pilot and asks, “What
happened?”
The pilot's reply: “I don't
know, I just got here myself!” - Ray
Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)