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Military Humour
Wit & Wisdom - a War of Words

“A pilot who doesn’t have any fear probably isn’t flying his plane to its maximum.” - Jon McBride, astronaut

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” - Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.

“A smooth landing is mostly luck. Two in a row is all luck. Three in a row is prevarication.” - Anonymous

“Aim towards the Enemy.” - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

“Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.” - Anonymous

“Any ship can be a minesweeper… Once.” - Anonymous

Basic Flying Rules: “Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.” - Anonymous

“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.” - David Hackworth

“Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” - USAF Ammo Troop

“Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.” - U.S. Navy Swabbie

“Don’t draw fire. It irritates the people around you.” - Your Buddies

“Five second fuses only last three seconds.” - Infantry Journal

“Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.” - Anonymous

“Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.” - Anonymous

“I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.” - Anonymous

“If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.” - Sea King helicopter pilot, Canadian Air Force

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” - Infantry Journal

“If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it’s probably a helicopter and therefore, unsafe.” - Anonymous

“If you’re faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.” - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.” - USAF Ammo Troop

“If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.” - Infantry Journal

“It is generally inadvisable to eject... directly over the area you just bombed.” - U.S. Air Force Manual

“Mankind has a perfect record in aviation - we never left one up there!” - Anonymous

“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.” - Anonymous

“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” - Unknown Marine Recruit

“Never trade luck for skill.” - Anonymous

“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.” - Joe Gay

“Progress in airline aviation: Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.” - Anonymous

“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.” - Anonymous

“The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world. It can just barely kill you.” - Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

“There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.” - Blue water Navy truism

“There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.” - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

“Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.” - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base (Kadena, Japan)

“Tracers work both ways.” - U.S. Army Ordnance

“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” - Infantry Journal

“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.” - Anonymous

“What’s the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.” - Anonymous

“When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.” - Anonymous

“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” - U.S. Marine Corps

“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.” - General Macarthur

“Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.” - Anonymous

“You, you, and you - panic. The rest of you, come with me.” - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

“You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.” - Anonymous

“You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.” - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, “What happened?”
The pilot’s reply: “I don’t know, I just got here myself!” - Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)


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21-Oct-2017