You’ve Lived In Alberta Too Long When...

Life on the Canadian prairies


- Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor and combine crew on the highway;
- “Vacation” means driving through Banff or Jasper Park or going “back to school” shopping in Calgary;
- You’ve seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular;
- You measure distance in hours. Not minutes or kilometers;
- You’ve been to a tractor pull;
- South to you means Montana; Winnipeg is “back East”; B.C. is “the coast”;
- You know who has to pay for the damage to your truck and the dead cow when you hit one;
- Your school classes were cancelled because of cold, but only when it was -40 or colder;
- You’ve had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day;
- You think ethanol makes your truck “run a lot better”;
- You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: “Where’s my coat at?” or “If you go to the mall I wanna go with”;
- You often reply “you bet!” or “hell yes!”;
- You’ve gotten a “To Go” drink from the local bar;
- You install security lights on your house and barn and leave both unlocked;
- You know what “Cow Tipping”, “Garden Raiding” and “Snipe Hunting” are;
- You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup;
- You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit;
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow;
- Driving in the winter is often simply a matter of staying between the fence posts;
- You think that washing your pickup is a waste of time and money;
- You have never owned a vehicle that did not have cracks in the windshield;
- You get claustrophobic when you’re in a “big city” like Red Deer and their traffic is “just awful, you wouldn’t believe it”;
- You think sexy winter lingerie is a flannel nightie and tube socks;
- You know how many cords of wood it will take to get through the winter;
- You think that the opening of elk season should be a national holiday;
- You carry a roll of toilet paper in the glove box in case you have to stop and go by the road;
- Your radio antenna is an old clothes hanger or piece of baling wire;
- You find -20 degrees “a little chilly”;
- You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Construction.


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20-Feb-2019