[I sent an E-Mail to my doctor and asked him some very detailed questions about health and nutrition. He had some excellent advice...]
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it... don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Hello... Cocoa beans?!... Another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie!
When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt...
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
Nurses are the hospitality of the hospital. - Carrie Latet
Panic plays no part in the training of a nurse. - Elizabeth Kenny
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - WC Fields
Whether a person is a male or female, a nurse is a nurse. - Gary Veale
I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards. - Henny Youngman
Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs. - Ambrose Bierce
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
The last mosquito that bit me had to check into the Betty Ford clinic. - Joanna Lumley
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
A hospital should also have a recovery room adjoining the cashier's office. - Francis O'Walsh
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
There is nothing so strong or safe in an emergency of life as the simple truth. - Charles Dickens
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for. - James H. Boren
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
When you’re a nurse you know that every day you will touch a life or a life will touch yours. - Unknown
One of the tests of leadership is the ability to recognize a problem before it becomes an emergency. - Arnold H. Glasow
You might be a nurse if you firmly believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis. - Unknown
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
The only equipment lack in the modern hospital? Somebody to meet you at the entrance with a handshake! - Martin H. Fischer
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science. - Martin H. Fischer
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
The trained nurse has become one of the great blessings of humanity, taking a place beside the physician and the priest. - William Osler
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular. - Jay Leno
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