HAGS Disease

How to handle communicable diseases


A man goes into the Doctor’s office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the Doctor calls him into his office and says, “I have some bad news. You have HAGS.”

“What is HAGS?” the man asks.

“It’s herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis,” says the Doctor.

“Oh no!” says the man. “What are you going to do?”

“We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.”

“Is that going to help me,” says the man.

“No,” says the Doctor. “But it’s the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door.”


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Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid

Astrology is a disease, not a science. - Maimonides

The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine. - Lord Byron

Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown

A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer

Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it. - Ovid

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. - Groucho Marx

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - Winston Bennett

Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown

The last mosquito that bit me had to check into the Betty Ford clinic. - Joanna Lumley

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb

You may know the intractability of a disease by its long list of remedies. - Alonzo Clark

No disease that can be treated by diet should be treated by any other means. - Maimonides

Faith and knowledge lean largely upon each other in the practice of medicine. - Peter Mere Latham

Antitoxidote cruisin' through my system looking for some disease to attack. - Archie Bunker

A hospital should also have a recovery room adjoining the cashier's office. - Francis O'Walsh

When a lot of remedies are suggested for a disease, that means it cannot be cured. - Anton Chekhov

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire

Roses are red, Pizza sauce is too, I ordered a large, and None of it is for you. - Unknown

First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin

People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca

The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but the feeling of being unwanted. - Mother Teresa

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. - WC Fields

As it takes two to make a quarrel, so it takes two to make a disease, the microbe and its host. - Charles V. Chapin

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles

When you’re a nurse you know that every day you will touch a life or a life will touch yours. - Unknown

The only equipment lack in the modern hospital? Somebody to meet you at the entrance with a handshake! - Martin H. Fischer

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope

The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers

Alzheimer's disease starts when a protein that should be folded up properly misfolds into a kind of demented origami. - Gregory Petsko

Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield

Paul Revere was warning the British about gun control, and George Washington apparently was crossing the Delaware to bomb an abortion clinic. - Bill Maher

Hastiness and superficiality are the psychic diseases of the 20th century, and more than anywhere else this disease is reflected in the press. - Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. - George Carlin

One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine... Soap and water and common sense are the best disinfectants. - William Osler


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18-Aug-2018