Psychiatrist’s Patient Advice

Sage advice from the Psychiatrist

One hundred percent cured news


Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”


Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”


Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”


Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”


After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.


The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”


Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.


QuotaBills
Nurses are patient people. - Unknown

No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb

Whatever your advice, make it brief. - Horace

We are here on Earth to fart around. - Kurt Vonnegut

The sexual act was never constipated. - Archie Bunker

A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown

Beware the wrath of a patient adversary. - John C. Calhoun

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin

The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin

The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker

Don't give advice unless you're asked. - Amy Alcott

Generosity gives assistance, rather than advice. - Marquis de Vauvenargues

My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker

A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe

Many receive advice, but only the wise profit from it. - Syrus

The doctor is often more to be feared than the disease. - French Proverb

Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin

I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. - Unknown

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. - Homer Simpson

The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley

Psychiatrist: an M.D. who can't stand the sight of blood. - Unknown

There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini

The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer

A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier

That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson

I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald

I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher

A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes. - Joseph Addison

Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies and to the bathroom. - Unknown

Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown

Advice is like kissing: it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do. - H.W. Shaw

If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer

There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Bernard Williams

My honeymoon night was spent on the floor in the bathroom with my mother. - Ronnie Spector

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb

I started singing in the bathroom. Nothing was coming out. It was ghastly. - Rod Stewart

I threw the kitchen sink at him, but he went to the bathroom and got his tub. - Andy Roddick

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb

Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong

When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell

A psychiatrist is a man who goes to Les Folies Bergere and looks at the audience. - Mervyn Stockwood

We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - Helen Keller

When advice is freely given, the receiver is free to use it as he or she sees fit. - Harvey Mackay

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire

The fact that your patient gets well does not prove that your diagnosis was correct. - Samuel J. Meltzer

There are two things that Jack Bauer never does. Show mercy, and go to the bathroom. - Kiefer Sutherland

Advice from your friends is like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad. - Unknown

First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin

Never give advice unless you have walked the walk, because anybody can talk the talk. - Valencia Mackie

No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild

I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco

People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany

At Disneyland, you never go 'backstage' - even when you're in the bathroom. - Hideo Kojima

The latest thing in psychiatry is group therapy. Instead of couches, they use bunk beds. - Henny Youngman

The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

We seldom give each other advice - I think that's the success of 25 years of marriage. - Laura Bush

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright

Let your entrance into the sick room decrease, not increase, the irritability of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

The dementia patient is not giving you a hard time. The dementia patient is having a hard time. - Kerry Kleinbergen

I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne

Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon

With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin

I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer

Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen

When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield

Psychiatry is the art of teaching people how to stand on their own two feet while reclining on couches. - Sigmund Freud

Advice is like snow, the softer it falls the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer

You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely cracked. - Unknown

Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffet

The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman

The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. - Arthur C. Clarke

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck

An expert problem solver must be endowed with two incompatible qualities: a restless imagination and a patient pertinacity. - Howard Eves

Everyone has their preferred stroller, their preferred crib, their preferred Moses basket. And they have advice on that too! - Tori Spelling

A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown

Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman

A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner

Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank

The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. - Evan Esar

It is easier to lead men to combat, stirring up their passion, than to restrain them and direct them toward the patient labors of peace. - Andre Gide

My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate - that's my philosophy. - Thornton Wilder

An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese

I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. - James Thurber

Good things come to those who believe, better things come to those who are patient, and the best things come to those who don't give up. - Zig Ziglar

The physician should look upon the patient as a besieged city and try to rescue him with every means that art and science place at his command. - Alexander of Tralles

Advice from a tree:
- Stand tall and proud
- Go out on a limb
- Remember your roots
- Drink plenty of water
- Enjoy the view - Unknown


see also   Doctor  Section
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23-Feb-2018