Psychiatrist’s Patient Advice

Sage advice from the Psychiatrist

One hundred percent cured news


Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”


Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”


Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”


Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”


After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.


The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”


Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.


QuotaBills
Beware the fury of a patient man. - John Dryden

Treat the patient, not the X-ray. - James M. Hunter

Whatever your advice, make it brief. - Horace

The sexual act was never constipated. - Archie Bunker

The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown

A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown

The worst men often give the best advice. - Francis Bacon

Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom. - Candice Bergen

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin

I always advise people never to give advice. - P G Wodehouse

Generosity gives assistance, rather than advice. - Marquis de Vauvenargues

A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington

One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark

I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. - Tammy Faye Bakker

A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb

The doctor is often more to be feared than the disease. - French Proverb

Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin

No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb

Be patient and calm; no one can catch a fish with anger. - Herbert Hoover

I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. - Unknown

A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer

A consultant is an ordinary man away from home giving advice. - Oscar Wilde

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn

That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson

I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. - Edith Sitwell

There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison

Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies and to the bathroom. - Unknown

Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown

Advice is like kissing: it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do. - H.W. Shaw

If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer

There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Bernard Williams

"Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to people. - Mark Twain

I started singing in the bathroom. Nothing was coming out. It was ghastly. - Rod Stewart

A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker

I threw the kitchen sink at him, but he went to the bathroom and got his tub. - Andy Roddick

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift

Never forget that it is not a pneumonia, but a pneumonic man who is your patient. - William Withey Gull

When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell

A psychiatrist is a man who goes to Les Folies Bergere and looks at the audience. - Mervyn Stockwood

We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - Helen Keller

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire

My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell

The fact that your patient gets well does not prove that your diagnosis was correct. - Samuel J. Meltzer

The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde

There are two things that Jack Bauer never does. Show mercy, and go to the bathroom. - Kiefer Sutherland

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul

Never give advice unless you have walked the walk, because anybody can talk the talk. - Valencia Mackie

Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it. - Agatha Christie

No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild

People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca

People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany

Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson

The latest thing in psychiatry is group therapy. Instead of couches, they use bunk beds. - Henny Youngman

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter

Don't ever give anybody your best advice, because they're not going to follow it. - Jack Nicholson

We seldom give each other advice - I think that's the success of 25 years of marriage. - Laura Bush

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright

I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne

He is bad that will not take advice, but he is a thousand times worse that takes every advice. - Unknown

The dementia patient is not giving you a hard time. The dementia patient is having a hard time. - Kerry Kleinbergen

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles

I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams

With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin

Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen

For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones

Psychiatry is the art of teaching people how to stand on their own two feet while reclining on couches. - Sigmund Freud

"Quit now, you'll never make it." If you disregard this advice, you'll be halfway there. - David Zucker

I sleep with a light on in the bathroom so I can see where I'm at, because I wake up and have no clue. - Carrie Underwood

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield

Advice is like snow, the softer it falls the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge

I've posed nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker, but I looked merely constipated. - George Bernard Shaw

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer

You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely cracked. - Unknown

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields

Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom. - Mark Twain

The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. - Arthur C. Clarke

The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers

When a man won't listen to his conscience, it's usually because he doesn't want advice from a total stranger. - Lindsey Stewart

Each patient ought to feel somewhat the better after the physician's visit, irrespective of the nature of the illness. - Warfield Theobald Longcope

Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

Here's good advice for practice: go into partnership with nature; she does more than half the work and asks none of the fee. - Martin H. Fischer

Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw

A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield

I wish I had a nickel for every song that I've left in the bathroom, written down on a matchbox, or just totally forgotten about. - Tommy Shaw

Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank

My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable

A sense of duty is useful in work but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not to be endured with patient resignation. - Bertrand Russell

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield

Good things come to those who believe, better things come to those who are patient, and the best things come to those who don't give up. - Zig Ziglar

A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer

Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers. - Charles W. Eliot

The physician should look upon the patient as a besieged city and try to rescue him with every means that art and science place at his command. - Alexander of Tralles

My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle


see also   Doctor  Section
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Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
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15-Aug-2018