Psychiatrist’s Patient Advice

Sage advice from the Psychiatrist

One hundred percent cured news


Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”


Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”


Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”


Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”


After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.


The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”


Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.


QuotaBills
Nurses are patient people. - Unknown

No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb

Beware the fury of a patient man. - John Dryden

Whatever your advice, make it brief. - Horace

We are here on Earth to fart around. - Kurt Vonnegut

The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown

A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown

Beware the wrath of a patient adversary. - John C. Calhoun

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin

The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker

I always advise people never to give advice. - P G Wodehouse

Don't give advice unless you're asked. - Amy Alcott

Generosity gives assistance, rather than advice. - Marquis de Vauvenargues

A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington

One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck

A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe

Many receive advice, but only the wise profit from it. - Syrus

No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb

I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. - Unknown

The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley

Psychiatrist: an M.D. who can't stand the sight of blood. - Unknown

There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes

That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson

I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald

I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher

Every bathroom in my house will ultimately have a Toto bidet in it. - Ken Marino

A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes. - Joseph Addison

Some quick advice for success in life: Don't be afraid, be amazing. - Cuthbert Soup

"Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to people. - Mark Twain

I started singing in the bathroom. Nothing was coming out. It was ghastly. - Rod Stewart

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift

Never forget that it is not a pneumonia, but a pneumonic man who is your patient. - William Withey Gull

A psychiatrist is a man who goes to Les Folies Bergere and looks at the audience. - Mervyn Stockwood

We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - Helen Keller

If you are patient in one moment of anger you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. - Chinese Proverb

My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell

The fact that your patient gets well does not prove that your diagnosis was correct. - Samuel J. Meltzer

The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul

First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin

Never give advice unless you have walked the walk, because anybody can talk the talk. - Valencia Mackie

Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it. - Agatha Christie

People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. - Bill Cosby

People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter

I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne

Let your entrance into the sick room decrease, not increase, the irritability of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

He is bad that will not take advice, but he is a thousand times worse that takes every advice. - Unknown

The dementia patient is not giving you a hard time. The dementia patient is having a hard time. - Kerry Kleinbergen

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles

I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail

I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer

Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen

For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones

"Quit now, you'll never make it." If you disregard this advice, you'll be halfway there. - David Zucker

Let the young know they will never find a more interesting, more instructive book than the patient himself. - Giorgio Baglivi

I've posed nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker, but I looked merely constipated. - George Bernard Shaw

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer

You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely cracked. - Unknown

Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson

Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffet

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields

Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom. - Mark Twain

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope

The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. - Arthur C. Clarke

The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers

When a man won't listen to his conscience, it's usually because he doesn't want advice from a total stranger. - Lindsey Stewart

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck

Each patient ought to feel somewhat the better after the physician's visit, irrespective of the nature of the illness. - Warfield Theobald Longcope

Everyone has their preferred stroller, their preferred crib, their preferred Moses basket. And they have advice on that too! - Tori Spelling

A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown

Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

Here's good advice for practice: go into partnership with nature; she does more than half the work and asks none of the fee. - Martin H. Fischer

I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield

I wish I had a nickel for every song that I've left in the bathroom, written down on a matchbox, or just totally forgotten about. - Tommy Shaw

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner

Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank

It is easier to lead men to combat, stirring up their passion, than to restrain them and direct them toward the patient labors of peace. - Andre Gide

My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable

An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese

I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. - James Thurber

Good things come to those who believe, better things come to those who are patient, and the best things come to those who don't give up. - Zig Ziglar

Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers. - Charles W. Eliot

A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is a man who collects the rent. - Lord Webb-Johnson

My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle

Advice from a tree:
- Stand tall and proud
- Go out on a limb
- Remember your roots
- Drink plenty of water
- Enjoy the view - Unknown


see also   Doctor  Section
Acceptable Doctors Sign
Colon Celery
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Dog Proctologist
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam (PG)
German Flatulence Control
Japanese Diving Platform
Menopause Sucks
Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Singing Gynecologist

 

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17-Nov-2018