Psychiatrist’s Patient Advice

Sage advice from the Psychiatrist

One hundred percent cured news


Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”


Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”


Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”


Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”


After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.


The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”


Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.


QuotaBills
Beware the fury of a patient man. - John Dryden

Treat the patient, not the X-ray. - James M. Hunter

One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb

The sexual act was never constipated. - Archie Bunker

The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown

The worst men often give the best advice. - Francis Bacon

Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom. - Candice Bergen

The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin

The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker

Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. - Aesop

Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. - King George V

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck

I write poems like some people sing in the bathroom. - Amit Bhatia

A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb

Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin

No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb

Be patient and calm; no one can catch a fish with anger. - Herbert Hoover

I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. - Unknown

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. - Homer Simpson

A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer

The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley

Psychiatrist: an M.D. who can't stand the sight of blood. - Unknown

A consultant is an ordinary man away from home giving advice. - Oscar Wilde

There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini

The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes

That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson

I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald

The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller

Every bathroom in my house will ultimately have a Toto bidet in it. - Ken Marino

There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison

Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown

Some quick advice for success in life: Don't be afraid, be amazing. - Cuthbert Soup

"Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to people. - Mark Twain

My honeymoon night was spent on the floor in the bathroom with my mother. - Ronnie Spector

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb

I started singing in the bathroom. Nothing was coming out. It was ghastly. - Rod Stewart

Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings

A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker

Advice is like cooking - you should try it first before you feed it to others. - Unknown

If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong

Never forget that it is not a pneumonia, but a pneumonic man who is your patient. - William Withey Gull

When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell

A psychiatrist is a man who goes to Les Folies Bergere and looks at the audience. - Mervyn Stockwood

If you are patient in one moment of anger you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. - Chinese Proverb

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire

My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell

The fact that your patient gets well does not prove that your diagnosis was correct. - Samuel J. Meltzer

There are two things that Jack Bauer never does. Show mercy, and go to the bathroom. - Kiefer Sutherland

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul

First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin

Never give advice unless you have walked the walk, because anybody can talk the talk. - Valencia Mackie

Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it. - Agatha Christie

No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild

I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco

People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. - Bill Cosby

At Disneyland, you never go 'backstage' - even when you're in the bathroom. - Hideo Kojima

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

We seldom give each other advice - I think that's the success of 25 years of marriage. - Laura Bush

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright

I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne

The dementia patient is not giving you a hard time. The dementia patient is having a hard time. - Kerry Kleinbergen

I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne

The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire

Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon

I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail

With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin

I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer

I sleep with a light on in the bathroom so I can see where I'm at, because I wake up and have no clue. - Carrie Underwood

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield

Advice is like snow, the softer it falls the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer

You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely cracked. - Unknown

Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffet

Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom. - Mark Twain

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. - Arthur C. Clarke

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck

Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

Here's good advice for practice: go into partnership with nature; she does more than half the work and asks none of the fee. - Martin H. Fischer

I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman

I wish I had a nickel for every song that I've left in the bathroom, written down on a matchbox, or just totally forgotten about. - Tommy Shaw

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner

Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank

The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. - Evan Esar

My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable

A sense of duty is useful in work but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not to be endured with patient resignation. - Bertrand Russell

An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese

A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer

Advice from a tree:
- Stand tall and proud
- Go out on a limb
- Remember your roots
- Drink plenty of water
- Enjoy the view - Unknown


see also   Doctor  Section
Acceptable Doctors Sign
Colon Celery
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Dog Proctologist
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam (PG)
German Flatulence Control
Japanese Diving Platform
Menopause Sucks
Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Singing Gynecologist

 

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18-Aug-2019