Psychiatrist’s Patient Advice

Sage advice from the Psychiatrist

One hundred percent cured news


Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”


Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”


Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”


Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”


After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.


The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”


Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.


QuotaBills
Nurses are patient people. - Unknown

No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb

Treat the patient, not the X-ray. - James M. Hunter

Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid

The sexual act was never constipated. - Archie Bunker

The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown

A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown

Beware the wrath of a patient adversary. - John C. Calhoun

The worst men often give the best advice. - Francis Bacon

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin

I always advise people never to give advice. - P G Wodehouse

Don't give advice unless you're asked. - Amy Alcott

Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. - Aesop

Generosity gives assistance, rather than advice. - Marquis de Vauvenargues

Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. - King George V

My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker

One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark

A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe

I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. - Tammy Faye Bakker

Many receive advice, but only the wise profit from it. - Syrus

The doctor is often more to be feared than the disease. - French Proverb

Be patient and calm; no one can catch a fish with anger. - Herbert Hoover

The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley

Psychiatrist: an M.D. who can't stand the sight of blood. - Unknown

A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier

That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson

I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald

I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher

Every bathroom in my house will ultimately have a Toto bidet in it. - Ken Marino

There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison

Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies and to the bathroom. - Unknown

Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown

If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer

"Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to people. - Mark Twain

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb

Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings

Advice is like cooking - you should try it first before you feed it to others. - Unknown

If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb

Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong

Never forget that it is not a pneumonia, but a pneumonic man who is your patient. - William Withey Gull

When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire

The fact that your patient gets well does not prove that your diagnosis was correct. - Samuel J. Meltzer

There are two things that Jack Bauer never does. Show mercy, and go to the bathroom. - Kiefer Sutherland

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul

Advice from your friends is like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad. - Unknown

Never give advice unless you have walked the walk, because anybody can talk the talk. - Valencia Mackie

Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it. - Agatha Christie

No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild

At Disneyland, you never go 'backstage' - even when you're in the bathroom. - Hideo Kojima

Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson

The latest thing in psychiatry is group therapy. Instead of couches, they use bunk beds. - Henny Youngman

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter

The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer

Don't ever give anybody your best advice, because they're not going to follow it. - Jack Nicholson

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright

I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne

The dementia patient is not giving you a hard time. The dementia patient is having a hard time. - Kerry Kleinbergen

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams

Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon

Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin

Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen

For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones

Psychiatry is the art of teaching people how to stand on their own two feet while reclining on couches. - Sigmund Freud

"Quit now, you'll never make it." If you disregard this advice, you'll be halfway there. - David Zucker

Advice is like snow, the softer it falls the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Let the young know they will never find a more interesting, more instructive book than the patient himself. - Giorgio Baglivi

I've posed nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker, but I looked merely constipated. - George Bernard Shaw

You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely cracked. - Unknown

Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields

Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom. - Mark Twain

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman

The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. - Arthur C. Clarke

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck

Each patient ought to feel somewhat the better after the physician's visit, irrespective of the nature of the illness. - Warfield Theobald Longcope

An expert problem solver must be endowed with two incompatible qualities: a restless imagination and a patient pertinacity. - Howard Eves

Everyone has their preferred stroller, their preferred crib, their preferred Moses basket. And they have advice on that too! - Tori Spelling

Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin

I wish I had a nickel for every song that I've left in the bathroom, written down on a matchbox, or just totally forgotten about. - Tommy Shaw

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner

The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. - Evan Esar

My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable

My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate - that's my philosophy. - Thornton Wilder

I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. - James Thurber

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield

Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers. - Charles W. Eliot

The physician should look upon the patient as a besieged city and try to rescue him with every means that art and science place at his command. - Alexander of Tralles

My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle

Advice from a tree:
- Stand tall and proud
- Go out on a limb
- Remember your roots
- Drink plenty of water
- Enjoy the view - Unknown


see also   Doctor  Section
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Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Dog Proctologist
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First Proctologist Exam (PG)
German Flatulence Control
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Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
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24-Apr-2019