We start to “bud” in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn’t even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn’t end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it’s off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don’t spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we’re having Rosemary’s Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze.
When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we’ll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it’s huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, “Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push,” warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it’s time to raise those angels only to find that when all that “cute” wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30’s to early 40’s while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale: “The Menopause,” the Grandmother of all womanhood. It’s either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned “buds” or the re-mentioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life’s cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
Now I love being a woman but “Womanhood” would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby. Women are the “weaker sex”? Yeah right. Bite me.
Woman was God's second mistake. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
Women should be obscene and not heard. - Groucho Marx
A woman's work is never done - by men. - Unknown
Women in London must have learned not to breathe. - Irene Trimble
A woman can keep one secret - the secret of her age. - Voltaire
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain. - WC Fields
Rudeness if the weak man's imitation of strength. - Eric Hoffer
A weeping man and a smiling woman are not to be trusted. - Indian Proverb
Amazing women don't have hot flashes. We have power surges. - Unknown
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. - Groucho Marx
Behind every successful man is a woman.
Behind her is his wife. - Groucho Marx
As long as she thinks of a man, nobody objects to a woman thinking. - Virginia Woolf
I love men, not because they are men, but because they are not women. - Queen Christina of Sweden
Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man. - Erica Jong
I am a woman meant for a man, but I never found a man who could compete. - Bette Davis
That woman speaks eighteen languages and can't say no in any of them. - Dorothy Parker
Back then the women had babies, which they called in them days, begatten. - Archie Bunker
Blessed be Thou, our God and Lord of Hosts, who has not created me a woman. - Jewish Prayer
I want to be a millionaire not for the money but for the woman I will become. - Jaime Tardy
A woman's best love letters are always written to the man she is betraying. - Lawrence Durrell
Enthusiasm is a vital element toward the individual success of every man or woman. - Conrad Hilton
Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible. - Margaret Mead
No honest work of man or woman "fails"; it feeds the sum of all human action. - Michelene Wandor
The Book of Life begins with a man and woman in a garden, and it ends with Revelations. - Oscar Wilde
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. - Robert Frost
Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes. - Oscar Wilde
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. - Rita Rudner
The expression a woman wears on her face is far more important than the clothes she wears on her back. - Dale Carnegie
I think women are foolish to pretend they are equal to men - they are far superior and always have been. - William Golding
A woman's dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view. - Sophia Loren
If women want any rights more than they got, why don't they just take them and not be talking about it? - Sojourner Truth
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman. - Woody Allen
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pick-up truck, and end up with a station wagon. - Tim Allen
Women are like the police. They could have all the evidence in the world, but they still want the confession. - Chris Rock
Women are the most powerful magnet in the universe. And all men are cheap metal. And we all know where north is. - Larry Miller
We women know how to take care of everybody so well. But the one person we have written out of the equation is us. - Suze Orman
I wanted to be the first woman to burn her bra, but it would have taken the fire department four days to put it out. - Dolly Parton
Our duty, as men and women, is to proceed as if limits to our ability did not exist. We are collaborators in creation. - Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
Part of the reason that men seem so much less loving than women is that men's behavior is measured with a feminine ruler. - Francesca M. Cancian
Every man and woman is born into the world to do something unique and distinctive, and if he or she does not do it, it will never be done. - Benjamin E. Mays
7 Dwarfs of Menopause
Everything Men Know About Women
New Drugs For Women
Out Of Estrogen - Make My Day
PMS Greeting From The Teacher
PMS Guide for Male Attraction
Understanding Women - Pocket Edition
Why Women Are Crabby
Smoking Hot Body
Take Away Van
Holy Day Inn
Rising To The Occasion
High Wire Act
Sunday Drive in the Country
Playground Child Eliminator
The Joe-kster Working Out
Redneck Auto Mechanic
What Goes Round Comes Round