We start to “bud” in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn’t even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn’t end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it’s off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don’t spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we’re having Rosemary’s Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze.
When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we’ll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it’s huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, “Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push,” warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it’s time to raise those angels only to find that when all that “cute” wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30’s to early 40’s while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale: “The Menopause,” the Grandmother of all womanhood. It’s either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned “buds” or the re-mentioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life’s cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
Now I love being a woman but “Womanhood” would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby. Women are the “weaker sex”? Yeah right. Bite me.
What do women want? - Sigmund Freud
Well-behaved women never make history. - Maria Shriver
Well-behaved women seldom make history. - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
Weak eyes are fondest of glittering objects. - Thomas Carlyle
A man's only as old as the woman he feels. - Groucho Marx
A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. - Irina Dunn
Rudeness if the weak man's imitation of strength. - Eric Hoffer
As Unto The Bow The Cord Is, So Unto The Man Is Woman - Longfellow
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. - Groucho Marx
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. - Mark Twain
Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse. - Spike Milligan
Behind every successful man is a woman.
Behind her is his wife. - Groucho Marx
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Unknown
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
The great majority of neuroses in women have their origin in the marriage bed. - Sigmund Freud
Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat. - Oscar Wilde
This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head. - Phyllis Diller
Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible. - Margaret Mead
In Hollywood, the women are all peaches. It makes one long for an apple occasionally. - W Somerset Maugham
Women have a hard enough time in this world; telling them the truth would be too cruel. - H L Mencken
Nothing changes the gender equation more significantly than women's economic freedom. - Gloria Steinem
The true republic: men, their rights and nothing more; women, their rights and nothing less. - Franklin P Adams
Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious. - Oscar Wilde
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. - Jean Kerr
A woman should cleave into her husband. Right here in this house is where Edith's cleavage belongs. - Archie Bunker
Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak. Sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. - Unknown
I think women are foolish to pretend they are equal to men - they are far superior and always have been. - William Golding
Democracy is very different in U.S. and A. from Kazakhstan. In America, woman can vote, but horse cannot! - Borat Sagdiyev
The next woman who gets hold of me is gonna light up like a pinball machine and pay off in silver dollars. - Jack Nicholson
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pick-up truck, and end up with a station wagon. - Tim Allen
No matter how plain a woman may be, if truth and honesty are written across her face, she will be beautiful. - Eleanor Roosevelt
The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold. - Ogden Nash
Never try to impress a woman because if you do, you'll have to keep up that standard the rest of your life. - WC Fields
Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. - Oscar Wilde
Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin, but twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building. - Oscar Wilde
I think being a woman is like being Irish. Everyone says you're important and nice, but you take second place all the same. - Iris Murdoch
Can't figure women. Sometimes they're afraid of a spider, other times they're not afraid to stand right up to the devil. - Donal Harding
Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots. - Hoosier Farmer
I was just so lucky with 'Real Women Have Curves.' At that point, I would have done an insurance commercial. I would have done anything. - America Ferrera
7 Dwarfs of Menopause
Everything Men Know About Women
New Drugs For Women
Out Of Estrogen - Make My Day
PMS Greeting From The Teacher
PMS Guide for Male Attraction
Understanding Women - Pocket Edition
Why Women Are Crabby
Loose Lips Sink Ships
Self Portrait for Squirrels
Zebra Bus Stop
Best Friend Theft
Chewie, We're Home
Hot Mexican Deals
Who Let The Dogs Out?
Fresh Air Computing
Middle East Play House