joe-ks.com

Noah’s 2005 Ark

It’s the year 2005 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says: “In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.”

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

“Remember,” said the Lord, “You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year.”

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

“Noah,” God shouted, “Where is the Ark?”

“Lord please forgive me!” cried Noah. “I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.”

“I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won’t let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.”

“When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.”

“Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard! The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I’m building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft.”

“Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event, therefore unconstitutional. I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!”

Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.

“You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?”
“No,” said the Lord sadly. “The government already has.”


see also   Government,  Religious  &  Union   Sections
Noah’s 2011 Ark

Stars can't shine without darkness
Shining Stars
Religious inspiration from the Beatles
Rabbi Road
Create your own Faberge egg with an electric drill
Egg Shell Art
Burial plans in the Holy Land?
Taking No Chance with the Mother-In-Law
Little Johnny props egg on his face
What's In Easter?
Spring thaw reveals Boris's Lada
Camouflage Car
How to repair broken Easter eggs
Broken Egg
Potato Chip Factory Burns To A Crisp
Crisp Chips
Hop into this rabbit transit Easter car!
Easter Car
Bubba's directions to his special garage sale
Groj Sale In The Country
Latest Word Search Puzzle: Titanic Third Class Passengers
Word Search Puzzles
You're no bunny 'til some bunny loves you!
2014 Bunny Calendar
Full list of creditsFacebookTwitterDiggStumbleUponDelicious

Voted #1 Humor Site

20-Apr-2014

QR Code

G'Oldies

Sneaky Dog
Korean Public Toilet
Panda Bear Summer
Hypno Dog
Hand-Some Baby
Ultimate Back Scratcher
Redneck Border Security
Don't Annoy The Maid
Mega Million Winners
Manitoba Home Security ...
Atheist Holiday
B.C. Lions Graffiti
Backyard Canadian Pool
Flu Fashion
Wrap Around Towel
Bear vs. Cows
Kitchen Oil Fire
Ultimate Border Control ...
Redneck Wine Rack
AirHeads
Steering Wheel For Coup ...
Massive Buns
Cat Printer
Redneck Parachute
Hokey Pokey Clinic
Dusty Playground
Dear Crossing
A Real Man's Moment Of ...
Health Tips for Fat Fri ...
New Speed Trap
Laundry Goat
Salmon Fight - Only the ...
Passing The Buck
Flintstones Car
Dike Strengthening
No Name Toilet Paper
Artistic Chair
Redneck Mailbox
Hummer Carriage
Deep Thoughts
Vacuum Cleaning Skills
Uplifting Throne
Cart Man - Biker To The ...
Don't Upset Your Employ ...
Balanced Meal
Fits Perfectly
Bird Entrance
Waterslide Chess
Ambulance Driver Report ...
Baby Illusion
Painful Banana Split
Swinging Nightclubs
Motorcycle Grind
New B.C. Ferry
Racing Grandpa
Coca Cola Twins
Cop Chase
Baseball for the Inmate ...