joe-ks.com

Noah’s 2005 Ark

It’s the year 2005 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says: “In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.”

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

“Remember,” said the Lord, “You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year.”

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

“Noah,” God shouted, “Where is the Ark?”

“Lord please forgive me!” cried Noah. “I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.”

“I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won’t let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.”

“When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.”

“Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard! The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I’m building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft.”

“Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event, therefore unconstitutional. I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!”

Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.

“You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?”
“No,” said the Lord sadly. “The government already has.”


see also   Government,  Religious  &  Union   Sections
Noah’s 2011 Ark

Latest Word Search Puzzle: Potpourri #31
Word Search Puzzles
Latest Jigsaw Sudoku Puzzle: #15099
Jigsaw Sudoku Puzzles
Dog with a wraparound smile
Lap Dog (Wrap Version)
Good English teachers are hard to come by in Montgomery, Alabama
Handwritting
Make me a nut-e offer!
Nut Salesman
Young backseat drivers
Day At The Beach
No animals were harmed in the making of this T-Shirt
T-Shirt Testing
An Aussie's favourite soup recipe
Soup Of The Day
Wildfires roar throughout Washington state
Fiery Entrance
Some diners don't care if there's curry on their fish
Indian Fish Pond
Warning signs for dogs and backward dogs
Beware Of Dog
When brother helps with naming the twins
Baby Names - Denise and Denephew
Full list of creditsFacebookTwitterDiggStumbleUponDelicious

Voted #1 Humor Site

02-Sep-2015

QR Code

G'Oldies

Lottery Chances
Pizza Order in 2020
Christmas Laser Light S ...
Husband Day Care Center
Frozen Fish Meal
iPhone Dock
New Player
Golf Break
Why's - Things That Mak ...
Hearse Lineup
Redneck Hurricane Survi ...
Euro English
Bill Mailbox
Frost Bite
Lips That Touch Liquor
No NHL? Yule Have To Sp ...
Humpback Kayak
Job Market Changes
Wrongulator (Congress C ...
Brewery Motorcycle
Good Fishing - Innuit E ...
Office Bike
Whatever Time
Clearly Good Intentions
Madness in London
Cube Farm
Underwater Santa
Iraqi Olympic Diving Te ...
It's The Thought That C ...
Moving Day in Texas
Redneck Letter - from M ...
Golden Nugget
Rinse Ride
Winter Bike
Best Way To Honor The F ...
Honour Among Thieves
Leaning Against The Lea ...
Titanic's Non-Romantic ...
Beer Nuts vs. Deer Nuts
Erkel Economy
Diet Spoon
Family Reunion
Digging Up A Date
Sought After Fish
Cat Salesman Of The Yea ...
Indian Fish Pond
One Step At A Time
Amish Centerfold
Franchises Available
Cheap Mobile
Stretch Girl
The Fert
Owl Have A Coffee
Tree Sorrow
Computer Challenged
Redneck Trailer Hitch
How To Shoot A Bow
Three Pigs Ad-Lib