Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with a valentine card?
A: A card that says, “I love you drool-ly!”
Q: What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
A: “I love you with all my art!”
Q: What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
A: He gives it a valenshine!
Q: What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?
A: “I’ve got a crutch on you!”
Q: Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?
A: It was a case of guppy love.
Q: What do you call two birds in love?
Q: What do you call a very small valentine?
A: A valentiny.
Q: What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
A: “Be my valenstein!”
Q: Why did the moroff boy put clothes on the valentines he sent?
A: Because they needed to be ad-dressed.
Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
A: Hog and kisses.
Q: What would you get when you cross Bubba with the God of love?
A: A stupid cupid.
Q: Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
A: It was Valenswine’s Day.
Q: Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
A: Sure, they’re very scent-imental.
Q: What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
A: “I’m sweet on you!”
Q: What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
A: “I find you very attractive.”
Q: What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day?
A: A hug and a quiche.
Q: What did one pickle say to the other?
A: “You mean a great dill to me.”
Q: What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
A: “I love you a ton!”
Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
A: “You’re fun to hang around with.”
Q: Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
A: He fell in love with a pincushion.
Q: What did the pencil say to the paper?
A: “I dot my i’s on you!”
Q: Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
A: She didn’t suit his taste.
Q: Why do valentines have hearts on them?
A: Because spleens would look pretty gross.
Q: Why didn’t Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer’s heart?
A: Because even Cupid can’t hit a target that small.
Q: Why should you send your sweetie a valentine?
A: Because you always heart the one you love.
Q: What did one light bulb say to the other?
A: “I love you a whole watt!”
Q: What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine’s Day?
A: Ughs and kisses.
Valentine's Day is the poet's holiday. - Ted Kooser
I claim there ain't another Saint as great as Valentine. - Ogden Nash
Valentine hearts beat more passionately than everyday hearts. - Unknown
Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce. - Milton Berle
Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January. - Jim Gaffigan
Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day. - Jay Leno
Valentine's day without your love is like a year without the Internet. - Santosh Kalwar
Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot. - Milton Berle
She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash. - Milton Berle
Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine. - Christopher Plummer
I'm like the kid in kindergarten; I really do send valentines to everyone. - Susie Bright
All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express. - Milton Berle
Oh, if it be to choose and call thee mine, love, thou art every day my Valentine! - Thomas Hood
If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway
To the romantic soul, the rituals of Valentine's Day echo every day of the year. - Richelle E. Goodrich
On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse. - Milton Berle
Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. - Milton Berle
The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy. - Milton Berle
Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. - David Letterman
I love Valentine's Day! I love it, I love it, I love it. I like having doors opened for me. - Ginnifer Goodwin
My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. - Milton Berle
Why buy flowers for Valentine's Day? Just go to a cemetery and collect a dozen off a few graves. - Jarod Kintz
The thing about Valentine's day is that people discover who are single and who to feel jealous of. - Faye Morgan
Valentine's Day: Rubbing singles' noses in their lack of a mate and the noses of couples in their lack of time. - Emma McLaughlin
I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Milton Berle
My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry. - Milton Berle
This Valentine's Day rent a poem for your loved. They come in three sizes - small, medium, and romantic. Free refills available to Premium Members. - Jarod Kintz
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself. - Milton Berle
Non-Muslims in Saudi Arabia can only celebrate Valentine's Day behind closed doors. Apparently, this has led to a huge black market for flowers and wrapping paper. - John Niven
Hollywood wanted to change my birthdate. I was born after Valentine's Day, so they wanted to change it to February 14. A Latin lover should be born on Valentine's Day. I said no. - Cesar Romero
I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon. - Unknown
Valentine's Day is when stores and restaurants get rich, men get lucky, and women fill their pretty faces with chocolate and put up with their man for six seconds at the end of the night. - Unknown
Relationship & Valentine Sections
Happy Valentine’s Day to Our New Father
Happy vOWLentine’s Day
Lawyer’s Valentine Gift
Perfect Valentines Day
Redneck Valentine Love Poems
She Loves Me ... She Loves Me Not
Unhappy Valentine’s Day
Valentine Love & Hisses
Valentine’s Day Dinner
Valentine’s Day Trivia
The Ass Family
Proof of Global Warming
Socket To Me