joe-ks.com

CA NA DUH
Everything You’ve Ever Wanted To Know About Canada, eh!
Now that Vancouver is hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions
people from all over the world are asking


Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let’s not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: No, but you’d better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes. What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
A: You are an American politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: All Canadian rattlesnakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely handled - they make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, B.C. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Q: How do you pronounce Canada?
A: C-eh-N-eh-D-eh

Q: What’s that machine that farmers harvest wheat with in Canada?
A: Concubines



see also   Canada  Section

Food recipe for big appetites
World's Largest Pumpkin Pie
Greeting Halloween trick-or-treaters
Smilie Pumpkin
Carving ad space for student tuition fees
Student Loan Jack o'Lantern
Alcoholics Anonymous alternative plan for Halloween
Bottles of Boos
Follow The Bouncing Pumpkins
Pumpkin Cursor
Home Tweet Home for upside down birds
Bat House
A Redneck trophy pumpkin costs a buck an ear
Hunter's Halloween
Is the object in your mirror too close?
Mirror Objects
Dracula's favourite Halloween snack
Finger Lickin' Good
Egyptian mummies never had it so good
At Home Grave
Pulphead - a zombie football player
Pumpkin Helmet
Back-up friends
Uplifting Water Dispenser
Celebrating Halloween in Hawaii
Halloween Pineapple
Halloween costume that brings out the small people in all of us
Here Comes Baby
Predicting the next delay of game
Football Thesis
Ever worry about squirrels getting into your bird feeder?
High Wire Bear Feeder
Do barn swallows give a hoot?
Bird Scarecrow
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