Drinker’s Fault-Finding Guide
Bartender guide to the Blame Game

 

SYMPTOM FAULT ACTION TO BE TAKEN
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt-front wet. Mouth not open while drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Buy another pint and practise in front of mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste;  beer unusually pale and clear. Glass empty. Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Feet cold and wet. Glass being held at incorrect angle. Turn glass the other way up so that the open end is pointing towards the ceiling.
Feet warm and wet. Loss of self control. Go and stand next to the nearest dog - after a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training and demand a pint in compensation.
Bar blurred. You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Bar swaying. Air turbulence unusually high - may be due to darts match in progress. Insert a broom handle down back of jacket.
Bar moving. You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another pub - if not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked.
You notice that the wall opposite you is covered with ceiling tiles, and has a fluroescent light strip across it. You have fallen over backwards. If glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put.  If not, get someone to help you up and lash you to the bar.
Everything has gone dim, and you have a mouthful of dog-ends and teeth. You have fallen over forwards. As for falling over backwards.
You have woken up to find your bed hard, cold and wet.  You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. You have spent the night in the gutter. Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not, treat yourself to a sleep-in.
Everything has gone dark. The Pub is closing. Panic !!!

see also   Bar  Section