Hospital Cutbacks
Memo to: All
Staff
From: Administration
Re: Hospital Costs
In an effort to reduce costs this year, the following are effective immediately. Please
share this information with your patients and physicians as soon as possible.
1. Food service will be discontinued immediately. Patients wishing to eat will want to get
their families to bring them a brown bag meal, or you may make your own arrangements with
Subway, Dominoes, etc. Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for
this purpose.
2. Our PBX operators have all been let go, so if your are walking through the lobby and
hear the telephone ringing, please answer it.
3. We have found it necessary to make substantial reductions in our transport team so we
ask the cooperation of all patients. One transporter will take at least six patients in
wheelchairs at a time to Radiology, PT and other services. Please form a "train"
by holding tightly on to the handles of the wheelchair in front of you.
4. Our Emergency Room is really busy from 3 PM to 11 PM so, if you can, please have your
accidents and heart attacks in the mornings or early afternoons. That would really be
helpful and will help to reduce your wait.
5. To expedite surgery cases, all AM admits and outpatient surgery patients are asked to
report to the hospital 3 hours prior to surgery. Go to Central Sterile and pick up a clean
instrument tray & surgery pack and proceed to the Surgery Holding area. To help us
reduce drug costs, please take several Aleve prior to arriving at the hospital for
surgery.
6. Patients anticipating the need for a bedpan can check one out in the gift shop. They
will be available in a wide variety of colors and styles to meet the aesthetic and
physical requirements of our patients. A deposit will be required but is fully refundable
if bedpans are returned clean.
7. To reduce patients' lengths of stay, nurses will have a choice of using in-line skates
or skateboards. To expedite response to patient's needs and discharges, nurse call systems
will be modified and will be wired to a collar worn by nurses, which will deliver a mild
shock when pushed by the patient.
8. Taking a cue from the airlines, Respiratory Therapists will be replaced by oxygen masks
which will, should the need arise, automatically drop from the ceiling over patient beds.
If this occurs, please place the mask over your nose and mouth and breathe normally.
9. The hospital got a real sweet deal on surplus white waiters' jackets and these will be
issued to all physicians. Doctors, we apologize in advance because the jackets already had
a first name embroidered on the pocket. We will work with you to find a name that you can
live with. If you also are on the staff at the University Hospital, we hope this won't be
a problem. We recognize that in academic settings, "length of coat status" is
very important.
10. All first time moms are asked to volunteer to help out on the Pediatrics floor - not
only will this reduce hospital costs, but it will give you a much needed experience and a
dose of reality after ogling over your own precious sleeping bundle of joy.
11. Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those
patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion exercises as well as a clean
environment. Family members and friends of patients and ambulatory patients may also sign
up to clean public areas to receive special discounts on their final bills. Time cards
will be provided.
12. Plant operations and Engineering are being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to
the TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books. These books can be
checked out from administration and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing
units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We
already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please
try to handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
13. Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related
lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.
14. Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two x-rays per patient
stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Walgreen's photo lab. Two prints will
be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from
the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Walgreen's will honor all competitors' coupons
for one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across coupons from other
vendors, please clip them and send them to the Emergency Department.
15. In light of the extremely hot summer temperature and the high A/C bills that we
received last summer, out new policy is to have fans available for sale or lease in the
hospital gift shop. For those patients who do not wish to use electric fans, the old
reliable hand held cardboard fans on a stick are free upon request.
16. The cost of hospital gowns continues to escalate so patients are asked to bring their
own pajama top which nurses will be happy to slit up the back for you. Pajama bottoms are
not permitted on patient units.
17. On the way to the hospital, please stop by Target or Wal-Mart and pick up two sets of
twin bed sheets. Should you require extra linens during your stay, coin operated washers
and dryers are available for patient use.
18. Administration is assuming responsibility for grounds keeping duties. If an
Administrator cannot be reached by calling the Administrative Offices, it is suggested
that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mover, weed-whacker, etc.
If you have any questions regarding these cost-cutting measures, please let us know. Thank
you for your cooperation.